Forgive me, my heart beats too fast.
I suffer from lightheadedness.
In frigid sweats I shrink aghast.
I panic from my breathlessness.

My weakened legs won’t let me stand.
My skin sizzles like it’s been shocked.
Can’t calm the tremor in my hand.
I’m speechless as if jaw’s been locked.

My eyes are crossed in confusion.
I’m frozen like an icy blue.
I’m afraid it’s no illusion.
My body’s broken around you.

Your freckle covered body, your non stop nervous chatter.
Your quirky fashion sense, your "8 year old girl" bladder.

The way you asked for permission before kissing me goodnight.
The way you told me later that you wanted to be mine.

Your beer-fact filled mind, your world war 1 obsession.
Your innocent fumble, your absolute perfection.

My arms are tingling with nervous energy
There are too many words swimming in my head
WRITE THEM DOWN, my mind yells
But the water’s too murky
And the waves much too turbulent
I can’t find them
Where are they where where where
The thoughts are vehicles of reckless drivers
Speeding, screeching, crashing
Are you sane -
Maybe the medicine’s working -
It’s been 2 weeks, right -
Write it down -
The medicine should’ve kicked in -
You’ll feel emptier than before -
I knew since Year 1 -
Just a thought -
Are you okay -
Is mum still mad at me -
I don’t know -
Are you going to pass -
Is something wrong -
I like your art -
Would she appreciate my art -
Why is my head so full of noise -
Should it be this way though -
I don’t know -
Why don’t you know anything for sure -
I don’t know!
Leering, laughing, screaming
Thought the noise was from the hairdryer
So I flipped the switch off
But the noise didn’t go away
It’s all in your head, dummy
Looks like your medicine’s working
Shouldn’t have taken in that caffeine this morning
You’re always in my head
I can feel my heartbeat at my fingertips
Throbbing with frustration and fear
I bite my tongue
And this doesn’t feel good
But I don’t know what to do about it
And neither does anyone.

i stumble over my words now.
it's a fight to wrestle them out of my mouth,
when before the flowed out like a river.

i'm fainter now.
it's a struggle to remember
that my new friends don't find me annoying
and that i don't need to lag behind,
waiting for an invitation.

i'm worse now.
summer is ending and all i have to show
is a quieter me
    a nervous me
    a wish-i-wasn't-here me
    a why-can't-i-just-do-something me

    a second-rate me

I used to feel stress as some others do
I’d cry and pout and usually eat the stress away
Gaining 5, 10, 15 pounds in the process
But at what point does stress become too much?

Phase 1- Normal
A little stress
But less than should cause concern
Take a quick pause and breath
Till you feel fully awake and ready to handle the whole deal that is worrying you
Eating pattern: Normal

Phase 2- Intermediate
More substantial stress
Quite the mess inside the mind
Especially in an unkind situation
Eat a little more than normal for the sake of taking away the thought of the problem
Make a list and stick to it to reduce the impact
Don’t place the fist to the wall yet
Eating pattern: Calories increased by 25-40%

Phase 3- High
Stress has reached its max
Like a leach ******* the life away
Mind trying to stray from the food or the situation
But somehow falling pray to both
Like a host for a parasite
Eating pattern: Compromised. Calories increased by 60-75%

Phase 4- Immense
Stress too high to handle comfortably
Functional human abilities begin to cease
Like a paralyzing disease
Lies like not feeling well begin to find their way into play through each and every day
Not only is the issue stressful but the thought of eating becomes impossible
Now more problems creep in with the deep dive swim of an eating disorder side show
Eating pattern: Crippling loss of appetite. Calories decreased by 90%

I digress to address the source of my stress
A world I thought I knew and had nothing left to do but ride the wind with my sweetheart
But things fall apart yet the world still spins and at the end of the day the side I’m fearful of wins
And now I’m alone and scared of what’s next I just sit here with empty stomach rumbles hoping for your text

racing heart
nervous hands
falling tears
and a mind full of fear