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Amber Jul 2019
I thought we were fine...
I don't understand...
Why are you leaving?

I have to start over again...
I have to try and connect again...

Where do I go from here?
I don't want to start again
Amber Nov 2018
I hate him
I hate him
And you know what else....
I hate him!

I waited
I was patient
I was there everytime he called
I made him laugh after not wanting to
I made him comfortable after the wreck
I opened myself up to him
I let him treat me as if we were in love
I told him my feelings had surpassed
I waited
I gave him space
I tried

He lied
He changed his mind
He found something "better"
He droped me flat on my face
After I was on a cloud of enjoyment
And now he cries to me

He comes back when things are wrong
He talks to me when he is stressed
He jokes about seeing me soon

But he's still not mine
I am forgotten and unwanted
I am alone
While he thrives with her
After I put in the work
He still choose her

And I will always be pushed away
I will still be in pain
I will still crave him
I will still be alone
Amber Sep 2018
Tossing and turning
Why are you leaving
I know you choose this but.
We just started
You finally admitted I was enough

But now here we are
You are leaving and
Not even you know when
For how long neither of us are sure
I won't be able to hold you

I won't be able to be there
Now it takes an hour to drive to you
But soon it may take hours to fly
Or I may not even get to be near you

I know it's your job
I know you want this
I know you say you're not nervous
But I feel like you're hiding
You're not telling me everything

Please don't leave me
I'm breaking inside a lit...
No a lot
We finally got close and now you're leaving

Stay safe
Come home to me
Please don't forget me
I love having you in my life
You give me a high
that's better than any drug

Just be safe and come home
Amber Nov 2017
If I just let my mind wander
It brings a sense of peace in a time full of chaos
It is the end of the semester and big projects are becoming eminent
But here I am
Have not begun to start on them
Need rough drafts due next week but
Don’t know where to even start
If i ask for help will I be looked down on?
Probably not
But why is it so hard to ask for help
Is it because I’ve always had to be self-reliant?
At one point does someone learn to ask for help
The problem being I don’t even know what I need help with
Thoughts of ending life are at the back of my mind
But I have so much I can learn still
How do you quiet down the voices in your head
Maybe there is a reason that
I need to ask for help
How did I get here?
So far behind in everything feeling inadequate
Wondering if there is a place to rebuild myself
Would talking to a counselor help?
Honestly what can they do besides tell me to stop
Stop working so much
Focus on school
It’s not that easy
I need a living to survive
I need income to maintain
Maintain my bills
My accounts are all at zero
Zero how I feel about myself
Amber Nov 2017
I’m not sure if i’m broken enough yet
I’m not sure if i can take this pain anymore
Is it ok that i want to quit?
Is it ok that i am past my breaking point?

What is freedom
Is it actually when you have the ability to be alone?
Is it where you have time to breath?
Why can’t you see it

All i want to do is sleep
All i want is to be done
Would a blade help
I don’t need that anymore
Im passed that
No more scars on my wrist…
Or hips..
Only a few have seen the scars i’ve left on me

Is it ok to cry
No no crying no time for that
What about breathing normally
Nope get back to work
Can i run away and hide
No need to focus just focus

Does anyone understand
This internal battle
Surviving and living are they the same thing
Does not feel like it is

Just 5 min
No stay awake
Keep moving
You’re not good enough
Keep going

Just a quick breath
No you’re not fast enough
Go faster
Stop tripping
Keep going

I can’t
There’s no excuses
Keep moving
You’re not enough
You will never be enough
Amber May 2016
I'm drowning
I can't breath
My chest is tight
The last breath I have
Its fading fast

Why did I agree to this
I need some one to
Save me
I don't like asking
But I need help

It feels worse than
Being physically injured

Not drowning from
Or wanting redemption

Drowning from the sheer feeling
of not being good enough
Not being able to play happy
And no longer able to hold it all in

I can't breath
I can't find the will to fight
I need help
Where are you?
Amber Apr 2016
I don't understand
How can I still feel like this
I thought I was over you
I've been fighting to get over you

You are like my best friend
All I want is to be in your arms again
But I can't
I think you're moving on

And Everytime I see you communicating
with those other people
I die a lot inside
I'm hurting and wish I was able to just
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