I can feel anxiety gripping my stomach

Clawing it’s way into my chest cavity

I can’t breathe

Eyes like the galaxies
You cannot help but lose your thought
A smile that warms your heart
To the core
That you get so nervous
You still cannot remember
What you wanted to say
You look over their shoulder
For your thought process to begin again
You clear your throat
Look down
Deep breath
Just relax and
Let’s try this again

I cant keep my hands from shaking when I write about you.
I get nervous, and I stutter when I speak to you.
I'm always scared that we're drifting miles apart,
and what ***** me up most is knowing that neither of us want the distance.
I think I miss you more clearly when I write about you.
I keep listening to the songs that you gave me too.
you look so cute in your smile.
I know that sounded weird.
I'm sorry.
The truth is I get a very honest tug at the corners of my lips when I see you.
I know that what I'm about to say will sound sad and pathetic,
but I practically live for the hug you give me at the end of the day.
I'm sorry.
You'll probably never read this anyway.
I just really hope that tonight goes well.

What I can't seem to figure out
Is that
When I look at you
My heart lights up
It burns bright and fierce
Sharp and strong and thrilling
And yet
My mouth turns down
My eyes frown
And the singing flame in my heart
Burns like shame across my cheeks
The gears in my head freeze
Even as my heart begins to melt
My flesh crawls
Even as it tingles
At the thought
Of you on my skin
I want you close
Even as I want you far
I want to let you in
But I can't

Your name is on the tip of my tongue each moment I have an opportunity to say it
"Oh X and I were just talking about that-"
"X doesn't like that kind of food."
"That's so funny, X was saying the same thing!"
I've never liked the feeling of someone else's name on my mouth more
These are the moments when I wish the folk tales told to me as a child were true
Because if I could say your name three times and you'd appear, I would sing it like a song
Humming each time I felt myself wish you were here
I wonder if your ears burn when I laugh your name to my friends, filling the room with the anxious adoration of my energy
Does my name hold the same power?
The ability to masquerade panic as confidence, in the moments most required
Only to later melt into the world just through recalling the moment you used my name in warmth

i'm sorry that me nervously tapping on the table
annoys you
sara,
but like,
it's not as if i can just
not
have anxiety
or anything.

Hope you feel better than i do
Todays my moms birthday...
i feel so nervous
im tired
my stepdad called me a *** and goth over me being emo
and almost killed me for the 3rd time
i feel like the cover of a fricking Nirvana album
bleh
I don't kno any more