I should write you October
and I swear I tried, but pens
aren't ribbons, and this time ink isn't red.
The autumn wind whips through the fens.
The chorus line is silent and sober.
The lead singer was found dead
under the bridge. (Haha get it?)
I knew it was stupid soon as I said it.
I swear I tried to write you October
but my heart heavy head
is full of Autumn clovers
and fickle friends.

How do you prevent something that's already happening?
Death that has already taken a life?
Do you beg?
Do you plead?
No.
You prepare a coffin.
Just like someone's already done for you.
I love you,
And you destroyed me.

*The Suicide Diaries

i'm tired

you're city lights and waving flags
cheerful laughs and matching footsteps
and i swear the blinking lights almost,
almost made me feel august

you're early morning rush,
blacks around my eyes
lowered gaze, silent greetings
made you lose your augustness

and august, i'm tired
you're soaking me
and the idealist inside of me says
"don't leave before i'm alright"

Every day you wake up.
Are you the same when you close your eyes at the end of the day?
Look back just the day before are things still the same they were?
Now look back a week ago.
Are things still the same?
Now do something.
Reading this right now the time you taking right this second.
The second you eyes see these words.
Are you still the same right now.
Now do something else.
Go get a picture from when you where younger.
Or even a month ago or last year whenever but a picture from some time ago.
Look into a mirror.
Stare at your reflection well,
Now look at that picture stare at yourself start at that picture for while.
After a while.
Look back into that mirror and think did things change?
What's all happened?
Ask yourself this.
Am i still the same i was just this morning?
Am i still the same i was yesterday?
Am i still the same i was a month ago?
Am i still the same i was a year ago?
Am i still the same i was before reading this?
Are you?

I know my answers now what are yours?

Funny how fast I can become attracted to someone
A month is all it takes
To smile when you message
To laugh at your jokes
To be guienuely happy around and with you

I think Im starting to like you~

I think I'm the person I swore I'd never be.
I always feared cigarettes,
and was terrified of monsters in my closet.
I never had many friends and
hated myself with a passion
I couldn't put into words.
So I put it into broken tree branches,
****** poems
and little razor cuts.
But my, do people change.

Over the last six months,
the only monsters I've feared were
the ones in my head.
I haven't touched a razor in a year or so,
and trees are so highly valued to me.
I still write ****** poems,
and cigarettes still scare me,
but I've found the exhilaration
of the nicotine/tobacco mix
is just what I've needed
to get by.

I'm not the same person I was
when I last fell in love.
I was sure that I was problematic,
sure that nobody truly wanted me around.
I know I've got friends.
I know we've all got lives of our own.
I was sure that I would end up alone.
I'm not sure if that'll ever change.
I know I'm not ugly by any means.
Except, maybe, my insecurities,
which have taken the place of aforementioned
monsters in the closet.

The monsters are much bigger now,
yet so much harder to see.
They hide between the cracks of things,
appearing instead of safety.
The monsters are my doubts.
The monsters are my shaky hands,
my calorie-counting habits,
and seeing the person I cannot seem to escape.
I never thought he'd be a face
I was so afraid to see,
but when his face comes to mind,
I'm frantic to make it go away.
Not because he hurt me,
but because of the change.
I've always had a fear of change.
I hear the words
France
Cooking
Drums
Stars
Walmart.
It's hard to forget the person
your mom was certain you'd move in with.
It's hard to forget the person
you swore you'd never be.

But here I am,
perhaps, one in the same.
For the person I swore I would never
conform to being
is the person I see in the mirror.
I've always been afraid of change,
but I've changed so much in the last month,
I don't see the same person.

I know I'm stronger,
but I'm not much braver.
I keep more to myself
yet somehow
press to be with others.
I don't need approval
of those that I surround myself with,
I just want approval from myself.

I fear I'll never get it.
I'm so afraid of change.

The year of the downfall
The year of the broken
The month when every human built walls
The month when returned with pride every token
The week of the undying lust
The week of the of the pardons of the unjust
The day the skyscrapers fell
The day the dirt started to rot
The hour of the broken majestic bell
The hour of your first cut
The moment of truth
The moment of dead roots

Those are nothing,
Nothing,
Compared to
     That moment I lost you.  ~~

-fir.m

Punch
******
Stab

Pouty
Moody
Sad

Pudgy
Munchies
Stop.......