I look in the water,
An image staring back at me.
It seems the image knows me better than
I know myself.
I don't know identity,
Just hide it.
No one knows I can't know myself,
They see who I let them see.
"Trust me," the mirror says,
"You'll be… more real."
But I know the mirror
Is just me, but a reflection.
Except
A clean reflection.
Me as I was born, as I will die,
An exact me.
Except
I wish this water would
Show me solutions and not the problem.
But
No one needs to know I looked in the water,
They'll never see what I saw.
The mirror,
It's just for me, it's all my choice.
But
I can't forget I am not who I think.
I can hardly know my deepest self.
The mirror knows:
I am not myself. I am the reflection.

It's really hard not to talk to her when I can't sleep.

I'm always fine during the day. Usually I can distract myself then. But as soon as my mind's empty. It's the first thing. I try to think of the horrible things she did to me, but it doesn't make me feel any better. It doesn't make me miss her less.

It just makes me want to live forever in those good moments we shared. Indefinite bliss. The things that kept me hanging on, when I should've let go.

The smile, the way her nose pinched. The way she liked certain things just the way I did, and for the same reasons. The roller coaster rides. The times she would open up to me and let me in. Her soft skin, her messy hair, the way she looked when she woke up, and when she was asleep. Her small hands, her defined back, the way she would lean into me when she was sad. I liked the way she wore my t shirts, and when she would lend me her eyes. I just don't know if I was the exception, or if I'm just another guy.

Should I care? Probably not. Not now. Not after everything that happened, but I do, and I know that I will. No matter how big that demon is inside me, the love that I hold will always be stronger. It feels like there's a holy war inside of me, and I don't know whose side to take. I'd like to believe that light prevails, but does that mean it is my fault when love fails?

I ponder silently
To those who know
Secrets I kept securely.

Mild clues were given
You may eat sweets without limit.

Before eating sweets,
Its important to address
Repeated appreciation
To those who remembers.
How I keep secrets.
Dealing today casually.
Amazed by connections.
Yearly observed by me.

Tempted to give reward
Of those who understand.
Defenestration to those who said it loudly.
A cake and ice cream to those who said it discreetly.
Yes, I do appreciate those who said it to me personally.

"Protect this man", I asked the trees,
"who rides through dale and dell,
and send a message on the breeze:
a whisper that he's well."

I asked the wind to carry far
the words I couldn't speak:
"I miss your heart beside my hearth
yet wish you all you seek."

I asked the waves to take this lore
across the rainy sea
and lay it on some distant shore:
"Remember - love - be free."

I say again:
There may well be a Higher Power
Or Powers
Out there
Somewhere.
Even a Higher Intelligence.

If there is,
I have a Message
For Him, Her, Them, You:

SOS.

Paul Butters