I feel so alone
Trapped in this life
To me
Intimacy is defined by trust
And since I have issues with that
I'm simply empty
We were so good at one point
Then things changed
And now I don't trust you
I chose not to see you today
I didn't even want to talk
What's happening to me?
What's happening to us?
I feel like nothing
I am not happy
Yet I don't know what to do about it
I could stay with you
With the hopes of fighting this storm
Or I could leave
And forever question my decision
There is nothing easy about this
Loving you used to be so simple
It used to make so much sense
Now I'm not so sure

I take a step, my heart´s a wreak,
I take another, my heart´s on fire,
I try to sneak past, but your anger is on a wreaking path,
one wrong step, one wrong move,
the flame is off, setting off you,
everything turns black, and it all is in slowmotion,
you throw your things, you are stuck in one emotion,
I try to survive and I try my best to make my inner demons go to rest,
so that i can be strong enough to put out the flame,
without getting burnt and feel all that pain,
but that is usually how it ends,
you strike it twice and you strike it again,
not because your mad but because you want to cause you pain,
and I love you so I rush there to save you,
I feel like I´m loosing you again,
but just as I try and stop you you power your defense,
now I´m not scared for you I am scared for me,
because I know you can control it,
because you are not thinking of me,
not in this second at least, and then you push too hard,
you´ve got me on my knees, you run out,
and everything is messy,
but at the end of the day you always come back you gather your senses and push away your pride,
to tell me you´re sorry and that its going to be fine,
but I have always wounder´ed were to draw the line.

Years ago I let you in
when no one else could reach me.
I’d become numb to swear words,
To raised voices and fighting.
I was searching for meaning, for reason,
For a place in this world to feel again like I was living.
So I let you in-
I needed someone to see me.
The exchange was simple.
All it took was a kiss or two
in your older friends bathroom,
And in return I got my fix-
Cuddling and innocence. Validation.
Then it started with my shirt, a simple thing,
then bra,
then pants,
But when it came to my underwear I remember pleading,
No, just not this one, not this last thing,
The last thin veil keeping you from seeing all of me.
But the challenge was too intriguing,
And my desire to be accepted was crushing.
So when you overtook me I just closed my eyes
As hard as I could
Let you kiss me and pretended it didn’t bother me.
When you held me on the couch afterward I remember whispering
“I love you”
But I knew it wasn’t true.
You didn’t respond. Pretended to be sleeping.
And here I am years later,
Still wondering if this is the reason
I have trouble trusting.

As a child
You always taught me
Family was important
Regardless the situation
I can always count on family
I believed that
However
Growing up
We weren't the perfect family

I was allowed to spend time with her during the weekends
And you, well mostly grandma
The weekdays
She wasn't perfect either
But at least
Before she died
She made me felt loved

I can't believe after all these years
You made me turn my back on her
Yes she could've ****** up
Or maybe you ****** up
Well I wouldn't know would I
Cause I'm always the last one to know about something in this family
But anyhow
She still gave me that love
Even til this day
I could feel it

Always wondered if she took me with her
If we left together
If I moved away from you
How would things turn out to be

You always said that she was this
And she was that
And I wasn't even able to defend her
But now that I'm older
And I'm figuring things out
I'm figuring you out
I'm finally able to realize all the faulty measures in this family

Why they both left
Yes
You may be right one out of three
But I'm going to prove you so wrong

I thought I got my heartbroken enough by my past lover
And now that it's healed
And I'm finally able to believe and trust someone
I'm content
And then there you go
The feeling of my heart breaking
Because of you
Just saddens me

I've never said you're a bad person
I've never said you've never carried your duties and responsibilities
Yes you have and for that I thank you
But besides all that
Just because of it
You think I'm going to stick around
To tolerate the mess you created
The person you are

Years I kept in inside me
Years you put me down
Never believed in the things I do
Always assuming the worst of me
Believing the lies people feed you
Over me
And you call yourself a -
It breaks my heart to even say it

I kept it in me for years
Never said anything to anyone
Thought that maybe one day
You'd realize
But as the years go by
You're becoming worse
Bad to worse as a matter of fact
Your favourite line that you love to use on me

I finally found the person that I am able to tell my deepest secrets
Not because I want him to judge you
Even then
I'm afraid because I don't want him to create this image of what an individual you are
Because you're still that person to me
However I'm a goner
I need to let **** out
If I keep this in any longer
Trust me
I might lose my ******* head

In this whole loop
I can't trust anyone
Not you
Not them
Not anyone

I don't know what the future may hold
Yes I may be with him for the rest of my life
Or I won't
That's for Him to judge
But it's alright
Because at this exact moment
He's the person I believe in
He's the person I love
And willing to make sacrifices for
He's the person you said that's not right for me
Well you're wrong
Dead ******* wrong

He's the person, the only person
I'm able to be my complete self
Without being looked down on
I may be foolish at times
Make stupid decisions
But that doesn't perceive me as an idiot
Am I right
Or nevermind
Who am I kidding
You'd say I'm wrong
So nah

I'm leaving
Could be now
Or tomorrow
And whenever
However
When that happens
I promise you
You don't have to see my face anymore
And unlike her, she came back
Oh, how sweet
But no
I'm not her
I'm not anyone you're trying to make me be
I'm a cold-hearted, selfless *****
Only to you though
So don't worry

I treat the people I love with gentle and care
And I found my family
And that's me
Him
Friends

Some may disagree with my doing
But I make my decision
I am living this life
I get to do this
At least this
For my sake
I'm done
Good riddance

I may be chaotic and crazy
You can ask anyone
I have a different
Idea of what constitutes fun

I am just a girl
Who is a little afraid
Of the power contained
In a tiny grenade

I know at this time
I seem bland and weak
Because I am still searching
For the answer I seek

You do not worry or care
And I pretend that's fine
These issues I am handling
Are no one else's but mine

Mother, a specialist has called us,
he believes something is wrong, astray, askew,
but you tell me it's all no reason to fuss.
Mother, your words have caught onto me like the flu.
Mother, you're infecting me to become you.

Father, mother says we cannot go,
to neither the recommended counseling nor therapy,
and for some reason you agree,
but just yesterday you told me,
you resent what she has done to your children.

Mother, I am sorry you have overheard what I've told my dad.
I promise, I never meant to make you sad,
but now you're screaming that I'm glad.
Mother, I do not rejoice!
Please, stop putting these words in my mouth! It is your choice!

Mother, this ordeal can end.
Remember, you were once my friend?
Mother, I know I have grown to fourteen and now I should be more kind and more mature.
Still, you say, I am just mean and for my cold eyes and empty heart, there is no cure.
Mother, your words shape my world, despite my hesitance to believe them.

Mother, I am sorry that I sobbed three years ago because of your screams.
Mother, I am sorry that I turned my back on you while we both fell through countless seams.
Mother, forgive me, please, for I try my best and I am your daughter.
Mother, forgive me, please, for I try my best and I am not my father.

Father, I miss your defense.
But to expect your words in my good chance again is dense.
Father, I have made every excuse I can to make you the favorite parent.
But, father, my lies to myself are apparent.
Father, what happened to the days when your guarded this wretched child of myself from mother's verbal onslaught?
Forever I would have you for forever, I thought.

Father, you will die soon, because you do not care for your body.
Father, I cannot live without you beside me and my family.
Father, protect my brothers and my sisters just a few more years.
Father, don't leave me again yet. You are not him, do not run for a few more beers.

Mother, you brought to me an alcoholic.
Mother, you brought to me his precious child.
Mother, with this baby, now nearly four years old, I still frolic.
My beloved little sister.
But mother, the drunkard threatens to come to us again.
If he tries in court to steal my cherished sister, can we win?

Rapacious alcoholic, with each and every bone in my body, for you, I feel such loathing.

Do not fall in love with girls like me

I will stray away and become a recluse and forget your name
But you, you will still feel the poison coursing through your bones that was injected the first time I kissed you
You will still taste the bitterness of my name on the tip of your tongue for years to come
You will still feel the sting of my embrace and my finger tips grazing your thigh long after I have run off
You will hear that one song and remember the haunting melody of my voice whispering to you during our late nights

Girls like me do not start with the intention of being this way
Girls like me dream about love and romance and living together in holy matrimony
But girls like me are full of fear and abandonment issues
"Leave before you get left" plays like an alarm in my mind over and over

Do not fall in love with girls like me, unless you are a *******