You all think that I am doing okay,
All thanks to the smile on my face,
But it's been thirty years of this fake ****,
You'd think by now you'd see through it,
But no, 3 decades and I can still put on a show,
Better than an actor, and I don't need all that blow,
I can get by on anything I can find,
And if I don't have anything to scavange on hand,
Well there's always the internet,
Because I will put my life on the line for a fix,
If I'm really in need, and it should scare you,
It should freak me out, but I'm calm here alone,

Don't tell me it'll get better,
That line doesn't get easier,
It doesn't age like fine wine,
Just rots like a coffin full of bones,

Instructing me to take my meds, like that will help?
When it hasn't done **** in the past,
Isn't gonna score you points when I'm looking down the barrel,
Of a gun of my own making,
And yes, I'll still be faking,
That 10 watt smile tomorrow when I see you,
Cause that's just what I ******* do,
Oh, please don't be mad when you find out it's all a lie,
Because honestly you should've been able to find,
The cracks in my mask, they're bigger than China,
And the nightmares in there will seep out and find ya,
After I've had a bottle of wine or tequila or two,
I'll let you know every bad deed I've ever let them do,


Don't tell me it'll get better,
That line doesn't get easier,
It doesn't age like fine wine,
Just rots like a coffin full of bones.

Like wings on the thumb;
If you pay attention, they flutter in your chest
Like waves on the lips;
Tumultuous, pummeling, magnetizing,
Still.
And then words, not a covenant, but a confirmation
of intentions
Like the nuzzle of a rabbit, push
1 2 3
And part for breath to move through

I feel it coming
The rush of recklessness
The active adrenaline
As it surges through my body

I may fall
But I will rise
And continue on

Only one life to live
May it be my last
As I run past
Towards the setting sun

Youth is like a day
Early brightness
That dies out like a star

Everything begins with I,
Impulsivity and Indecisiveness.
These two words go together, my
Impulsivity and Indecisiveness.
They make me say or not be able to,
Impulsivity and Indecisiveness.
They usually come in a pair, the two,
Impulsivity and Indecisiveness.
I know that they will go away,
Impulsivity and Indecisiveness.
But some days they just flood my brain,
Impulsivity and Indecisiveness.

my mouth is full of burning candles
and hot wax seeps from between my teeth.
my tongue knows nothing but rage and fire
and i don’t know whether to swallow this flame
and choke on the smoke until the heat burns holes in my throat,
or to spit it out
and watch everything around me burn down.

— impulse control

i do not speak like a poet.
my words are clumsy and callous
and i often trip over my own tongue.
there is no beauty to my words
or thought to my form,
and my voice does not fall soft and slow
like honey song, drizzled sweetly into willing ears.
rather it is raspy and quick-tongued,
laced with mispronounced words and oddly said accents.
my sentences race ragged and jumpy,
with capricious contours and half-finished phrases,
and i often lose my train of thought.
impulsive and unrefined,
i do not speak like a poet.

— but on paper i am a different person