I'm numb to my bones.
Every inch of me is sore.
I'm rotting away
until I'm left with nothing more.

I want to feel.
I want to feel something
yet I don't want to give in,
but instead greet death as an old friend.
When he comes knocking at my door
you won't hear me crying from pain no more.

I'm standing in the ocean
letting the waves wash over me.
Singing the song of the hopeless
as I follow the waves back in the sea.
Just to feel something
for the last time
I swallowed and greeted the salt water sting
into my lungs.

It finally felt so good
to feel something.
I felt free
as I became one with the sea.

No one ever asked her if she was okay.
She was the one they could go for when they needed help.
No one ever thought about her problems..
How would they know she hid them so well...

She always had a smile, and made everyone laugh. She was the sun, the epitome of silly and kind.
But as cliché as it was she was also the one who hurt the most.

The emotions bottled up, the issues she heard from everyone else almost felt like hers. The weight of being everyone's hero she barely had time to deal with her own..
Put them away she said, your friends need you. But on this day it was too much. Everything she'd repressed came to light she was miserable she was completely exhausted.
Energy lost.
Hope gone.
The will to help was non existent.

They had taken all her energy and left an empty carcass that once was a smiling and actually happy girl. And who was there to be her hero?


No one. Not a soul. She was left all alone in the darkness in the shadows of her friends and family. Because without her they were nothing.

why do i have to fall for you
when you decide to leave me
i know that im a lot to handle
but all i wanted was a chance
you captured my heart
please just stay

I was getting better
even good I thought

yeah, I was still thinking about you now and then
and sometimes I would find my mind drifting off into memories

but I stopped crying
I stopped wishing and hoping
for you to come back

but today I saw you name
not on purpose
it just stood there
staring at me.

And for a moment I fell back
back to wishing and hoping
back to you.

But I know it will faint again
and it will get better
slowly, but it will

and till that moment
I will look forward
wishing and hoping.

Give in. Give in.
To blackness shrouding out hope.
It matters not my earnings nor blessings,
Let pain, let bitterness swallow me whole.

Give in. Give in. Give in.
To my darkest hours of sorrow.
The spark of flames offer none to the blind,
Let hurt, let emptiness swallow my soul.

She grabbed my neck, one hand, and her fingers quickly connected,
“You should have some more self respect, you’re taking this further than I expected.”
I swear that I’m eating again,
but I won’t try to pretend,
that the food doesn’t make me hurt, the removal of my organs didn’t mend.
I ask her to forget it and to just talk about the weather,
the topic wants to drop; she won’t let it, she knows I’m not getting any better.
I was always too much of a lost cause to trust I’d ever be repaired,
for years she’s held the gauze and just silently waited and stared.

At 21 my mother died from a long battle with cancer,
I toughed through it to provide comfort I could never allow myself to receive.
So my own sickness was inspired by Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer”
it was never my goal but what my
brain wished to achieve.

I told them all to leave me,
I didn’t expect they would do so,
a few stragglers stayed who wished to prove they were strong.
It’s still shocking that they believed me
or were they waiting for a polite out to go
one that they could argue wasn’t wrong?

And I’d rather break a mirror
than to see the reflection everyone else shared,
it’s not that I would fear her,
but through seven years bad luck I’ve already fared.
I made a choice and a deal
to give my worthless life for just a few good days,
you can’t put a price on how you feel,
you can only hope and pray that that feeling atleast stays.

I became best known through all encounters in every social gathering
as the laid back confident joker, because they never saw me shattering.
I assure you that after I was always in my Honda drowning,
arguing with myself if it was better to be fake than the person always frowning.
I was dying for interaction beyond just meaningless conversation
and only ever met the odd soul to bring that alleviation.
I was so used to the shadows from the comfort of my basement
that I flinched when I saw sunlight and only after felt amazement.

I was a skeptic and untrusting as to why the sun would ever shine on me,
and the refreshing waves that brushed my feet carried potential for drowning.
And just when I got used to light and a natural source of heat
the darkest cloud in history attacked until it did retreat.
Then I thought that drowning in the sea wouldn’t be the worst,
if it didn’t carry me into a current, perhaps it could wash away my curse.
But even the tide will move away when you decide to take that step,
past the point of clenching a fist, every muscle I own did treppe.

Los Camp said the sea was a great place to think about the future,
but I know it’s a great place to think about the one you lack.

i have not written since my last disaster.
the hopelessness, and the empty,
they were horrible feelings, but they held a beauty not worth having.

today, i worry. because tomorrow, the world demands results.
today, i worry. because so many people have told me so many things.
today, i worry. because so many people want me to join their laughter.
today, i worry. because no one knows what i’m doing.

the sun came back -did you know?
however, it is so much easier to study in the rain. i feel the need for my life,
when in reality my life should be tomorrow -because the world demands results.
because those results i also demand of myself.

yet, my heart, ever persistent, collides.
it whispers to me -can you believe it? she knows about that?
and it tells me -you can’t miss these things.
even though i can’t solve these things, they won’t let me rest until they’re solved.

but the world demands results. it wants a girl with a voice,
a girl who can turn circles and spheres and make something out of what she’s been given.
most importantly, it demands a girl who can solve any problem,
reason out every thought for hours. those are results.

and day after day, i change from i to she. because i am me. and i’m also she.
she, who can be the girl the world demands.

she has no time for this, she knows. her whole life is results.
as it should be. and when she’s done, she rests her shoulder against her bed.
and once, long ago, used to wonder who found her beautiful.
once, used to dismiss that feeling.

now, she carries it. each time the world demands, she gives.
she gives everything for results, and everything else for those people.
expect one thing. one, who she can’t see. one has held her hand twice,
one who makes dreams with her.

one, who she makes dreams with. because when the world is done demanding,
she’ll send her letters in the form of keys,
and think about what they’ll become.
she rests her back against her bed, and wonders what it would be like if she was sitting next to her.
holding her hand under the moonlight and holding her in heart as she allowed the day to seep out of her.

help me,
I want to die
I want that knife
I want the lasting peace

I hate me
I hate how I have everything,
and I still feel like dying
I hate how I cant love her enough

I want to die
I want an end
I am sad
I am depressed
everything that should be happy,
just isnt

I need your help
I need something
I want to keep going,
but I want to die

I love her
She loves me
I have everything I have ever wanted
so why do I feel this way

I am empty
a void
I need help
I dont want to leave her

she is everything
I dont want to hurt her
I am scared that I will,
if I say that I still want to die
help me