I am terrified of becoming depressed
I grew up around many forms of this illness, crowding my friends and family like clouds in a hurricane, and they came in waves,
Tearing down the walls of the ones I loved
I feared for them
I feared for their hearts to stop beating, for their stomachs to start folding, and for them to stop smiling
They always told me the creases by their eyes were not caused from happiness, or the sun
They told me it was caused by the many nights of pillows being thrown down drains of emptiness, because what was the point of sleeping when your own thoughts are cornering you, until they are no longer yours to have?
They told me that they wrote poetry and I said I do too
They looked concerned, saying "depression is not artsy, so don't think you should want this disease,
because it will tear you limb from limb, until all thats left is your heart
And your heart is beating like it's going to explode, but you dont care because you feel like you are already dead
So my friend
Stay happy"
But what they dont know is that I've been wishing the same for them

A pulse
And a pumping
Rhythm that beats throughout
Your body; the internal clock.
Heartbeat.

eyes of sea
caged wingbeats
the only hint
behind the visage of indifference
the shroud that daylight imposes
and darkness disperses

for beneath lies
pain
desire
whispers of oblivion
desperation
that draws forth tears
mixing sleep and wakefulness

yet
somehow
granting more peace
than the glittering sands

I once had a human heart
It beat right in my ears
Now the buzzing of a fly
Seems to have replaced
All the inner sounds
That were eating me
From within.

There is this girl
With cute tiny feet
And she once was my friend.
Now she's screaming
Writing a suicide letter
On ***** sheets.
Sheets I climbed into
Without guilt,
Without remorse,
Without emotion.

I said, "sorry I am poison.
I contaminated you
But you shouldn't have touched me."
I said,
"I try to live up to expectations
But most of the time I fail.
Most of the time I hurt me."

She wasn't listening anyway.
For her, I had ceased to exist.
For her I had no heart beat.

But I hope she can still
Hear hers.


F.Z.**N

I hear something in me
.
.
.
I just realised it's a heart beat

your heartbeat
is the only metronome
that i want to be in time with

I love the sound of your heart.
Thud-dub-thud-dub-thud-dub-thud-dub
So strong and steady.
It makes me feel homesick
for a place I’m not sure even exists.

I no longer know who I am, who I was, or who I wanted to be.
I just want to lay here and listen to the sound
Of your heartbeats until
I die.

How sad it is to know that this
Steady beatings
will come to an end,
And there will no longer be you.

You, my love. My life. My hero.
I live for you, my love. I lived for you.

Please don’t leave me.
Just stay here, next to me, in this place, you and I.
We’ll go look for a place for us to hide.
Or we could just hide here,
Here in our shelter.

Please, please, please. Don’t let me go. How can I,
how can I ever live without you?
But for now, I’ll close my eyes
Pretend I’m asleep, next to the sound
Of your dying heartbeat.