drifting in and out of wakefulness
feeling everything and nothing all at once
that lump in my throat
but i can’t cry

i shut my eyes and press against them my palms.
i see swivels and vanishing spirals,
i see everything and nothing all at once
and i’m begging for it not to stop.

i scream into a pillow leaving traces of saliva
i still can’t cry, i still just can’t cry.

my head hurts like a hundred fingers flicking at it
it tingles like ants crawling underneath.
it feels sunken like the titanic with all its people
and i’m jack in the freezing water.

my eyes heave and try fluttering shut
i say no, not now.

it’s strange how my brain is a different entity,
almost like a guest that is always “going to leave”
but ends up staying the whole time.

maybe if i slit my forehead open
the ants under my skin will stop
maybe my head will finally feel light
even though my hair has been gone for days.

dear disheveled mind,
*******.

I wanted a beautiful girl,
The good thing was that,
She wanted me as well...

I loved a young woman,
The strange thing is that,
She thought she loved me too..

But her love was limited,
Really disabled was her love,
And she could understand it not.

I went to her home,
Slept on the bed,
Made of Kashmiri willow..

She came as I slept,
Kissed me on the lips,
Woke me up anticipating more...

What ensued is just history,
It forms a part of my story,
An unforgetable memory..

A memory that digs out,
From my heart into blood,
Off my brain into a tumour.

I thought that all my pains will go,
That was my selfish motive in love.

I never foresaw my health worsening,
Now my head aches more, sweetly, though.

I have her bouncing in my memories,
May be on my pure love she was bouncing.

I should have coated my love for protection,
Lest she entered a period of parturition.

I wanted to sacrifice myself more for her,
Less for myself in the game of love.

I never wanted her to turn rougue,
For I had sworn my loyalty to her.

I know not where this vertigo will take me,
Everything shakes so violently in my head.

My head it aches, like a Halo wrapped tightly around my head.
Like an angel who tried to pull the wool around me, but now I wear his crown instead.

Pressuring me, my every thought, pounding beats out like a drum.
Oh metal band I bind with you, to make my wandering mind go numb.

Pull my attention back to you, you show me a hue of blue above.
On such a day when skies are gray, I crave the Raven not the Dove.

Just send me to a quiet room and remove my Halo from above.
These former halves no longer two, the pain humanity hates yet loves.

Pulling attention back to you, demanding time and time again,
That I lose sight and sacrifice my focus on the task at hand.

Depart from me oh aching head, let me for a moment begin again.
To see the morning without hindrance, and be the mind I've always been.

It is at that moment of a crumbling ideology, you face the hardest of questions, questions that won't shake off until sufficient answers are given.

How it happens that when you get refined for a better life it has to hurt so much and even lead to questioning the significance of existence.

They often say celebrate the time in the valley as you celebrated the time on the hill...

The valley happens to be growling with wolves who can not stand the sound of rejoicing and are ready to pounce and devour their enemy.

These thoughts are from a hazy place, one that has no clear vision of its direction. The heart...however knows this too will pass, it's in the waiting for the pass that you grow weary and extremely sad.

You feel you can't stand yourself and reserve all opinion on sin because you have been swimming in it.

Putting up with a double-life in order to remain sane....but the former ways still reside in the finger tips of the sinner.

Appetizing at first but only to scar the very fiber of normality you tried to uphold.

Is it okay to say it is really tiresome... To smile when you actually feel like frowning, to laugh when you just want to cry till life stopped...

I just read somewhere "It's not easy, but it is simple. You have to trust God, no matter what you may face."

When I read it I felt the heaviness of what life can be - either beautiful or ugly, trip me. Literally trip me over my current issues and challenges. Falling ******* the fact that I need God, whether I want Him or not...

When I think of the many hardships people are facing in this world, I realise I am wimping for nothing...when mine are minute theirs are gigantic.

But whatif...just whatif even my minute issues cause me gigantic heartache...heartache that feels like my life is being lived by someone else...someone that I actually don't even like.

Heartache that leaves wanting to cradle in God's arms forever, to never have to face the failures and bad choices of my life.

To not have to see my ugly self in the eyes of a reformed me. They are in constant conflict with each other and remain in their separate worlds despite the freedom offered by Jesus.

It is the strangest thing...looking at yourself through a third pair of eyes. They see you. See your messed up behaviour and see you as you fall deeper into the trap of sin.

They see when you happy and worshiping on the hill. When nothing can knock you over and everything you touch turns to gold.

Both times I suppose, you were being prepared for that place which has been in your dreams and has been your vision all these years.

To get there clearly isn't easy. Probably was never meant to be. Some days are better then others, while for the most part, most days really involve going through the motion.

I can't wait to be loved, cared for and sinking in the truth of being appreciated.

Suppose I can be thankful. I am blessed. I am grateful. I am loved.

Just some days it feels like it is all going to fall apart, like the rug has been pulled under my feet.

As I solider on, I thank my Maker for the gift of writing...as it always helps me make sense of this jungle I call life.