Journal entry #2

Today I finally decide to truly let go.
I no longer want her friendship, just like she has countlessly rejected my love. It is cruel and unfair to expect opposite feelings of the other.
We found each other against all odds, she approached me with intrigue and decadence, hoped for comfort, but let it all go when the bell rang. Like holding an infant in your arms, looking for care and attention, begging for patience and vision to give it the chance to grow strong and beautiful. Instead left under a bridge too weak and brittle to keep it.
I think I made her happy, but her warmth dissipated as soon as I had to leave, the mistake perhaps was to tell her that I love you. But she never wanted a serious relationship, she just wanted a connection with a man who acknowledged her, made her feel good, desired, important and seek out thrill in her stressful mundane life.
My purpose was served, and I felt disposed of. It has been one long year since the day I had to go, hoping to return.
I don’t want to know anything about her life anymore. Any news will hurt and enrage me. She hurt me so deeply and profoundly she is afraid of what she has done, she feels guilt for not loving me and rejecting a loving man, while I now feel guilt for expecting and forcing feelings onto her fragile soul.
We are equally selfish.
I burdened her with emotional presence from afar, when all she desired was peace and repent in silence. I don’t want to keep hurting her by caring. Today she said, “as soon as you appear in my life it becomes too hard and painful that I will not answer you in return”. Being friends with me would make her happy, she wants to be friends. But being friends is all that it will ever be while we shared such passionate and intimate times together. Her friendship is not enough, I want her in her entirety. I am convinced at this stage there is nothing I can do or say to change her mind. You may think you’re not good enough for me or that you cannot be with someone who you cannot love because love is alien to you, or because circumstances make it so. If you just let go, I would travel across the world and catch you.
It is all in your mind…
Now… By letting go of you entirely. By letting go of the constant hum of your omnipresence in my heart, of wondering what you’re thinking and if you will keep remembering me. We let each other heal and gradually forget a little more each passing day. You will find a man, I am sure. But you will never find someone who loved you more than I do now. Never.
I cherish the time I had with you. I wish things could go differently. I may still decide to go to Russia, perhaps not so soon and for different reasons. But I would also like to deliver on my promise, the promise I made to you a year ago. “I promise to come back”. Perhaps as friends this time, if I’m ready. Oh God. If I become a new man.
To my beloved Nastya. I love you. Goodbye.

your slow steps
move you away from me
they stole the music
all that's left  is the rain

I wanted us
I truly did
but you are bad at receiving
and you don't know how to give
I feel like I am throwing my love
into a black hole
and begging the night
to give me light
when all it knows is dark
sometimes the stars shine through
which gave me hope
but I need a sun
and you are in a whole different galaxy
I don't own a spaceship
I can't make this work

Far away
Dripping further away
Darting further away
Like a dream
Slipping through the cracks in my mind
A night sky melting in the daylight
Dripping down into the eyes of dreamers
Glazing over their eyes
Changing their view on the world
As a lens of truth
Never really fading
Until the screams of the blind
Implant in their mind
They’ll be immune themselves
And become blind as well

She had shown to me,
Aurora
Aurora sweet alighted
the excited verdant ions
a scar of atmosphere
the mantle undivided
to give as sacrifice
to give life to snow

Ye not tempt me with it
Burden of beauty
of foggy things in my dreams
at fancy ballroom mirages

Indifference,
to be found in the refrigerated drink section
outside the air is cold and cools oil on gravel
while across town the burning embers of a home
melt the snow into rivers

The fog of dew on the leaves
drunk, speak the lips of the slain
to look up into the blue
and find solace in the rains.

Do you ever feel like you’re running?
Like, you’re in a race, and you’re running faster than you’ve ever run before
Except
You’re in last place
And you can’t seem to catch up
In fact
The harder you push yourself to run faster
The farther away everyone else seems
Like in every situation you’re in, be it learning in school, or sports, or social interactions with friends, there’s this big chunk of stuff you’re missing, and everyone else is in on it, and you are left feeling confused, clueless, and less than yourself.
Do you know that feeling?
The one that you experience when the teacher always has to explain things to you a second time only they have to explain them differently, simpler, slower, every time, to the point where you no longer even listen to the first explanation.
The one when you’re with a group of people, and someone says a joke, implies soemthing, or even just speaks to you, and you turn to your friend so they can explain what’s going on.
The one when you begin to procrastinate everything especially school work and you begin just not even doing it, because if you don’t do it then no one can say you’re dumb, instead you’re just lazy.
The one when you start to understand why sometimes you are offered the same extra help as the kids seen as “special cases”
The one when you always feel lost, and start to believe you have no chance in life because you how could you go anywhere if you are constantly behind everyone else.
Do you know that feeling?
I know that feeling well.


I’m tired of always being behind everyone