Some days I wake up
                                                                  Mind torn from    
                                                           stress dreams
                                                                And no desire to breakdown
                                                                             On campus.
                                                                  So I skip class.
                                                        Trapped in my mental jailcell
                                                I dissect my compulsive thoughts
                                                      Only to see they stitched
                                                               Themselves back together
                                                             And are resistant to leave.
                                          On days I can grasp and hold my will
                                                                           I stew in class
                                                     Noticing my classmates
                                        Who speak louder than I do,
                                        Who answer questions more eloquently,
                                        And speak science fluently,
                                                               I am left to boil in my
                                                 Lack of voice, skill, and knowledge.
                                                             At the end of my first class
                                                                   I am already overdone,
                                             A husk goes to the remaining classes
                                                                                 For me.
                                                                     On days I wake up
                                                                                     Already
                                                                                  overwhelmed
                                                                        I skip class
                                                                                  To avoid
                                                                                                   Meltdown
                                                                      Fighting fire with Magma,
                                                                                this technique is
                                                                     purely self-destructive.
                                                                                           And I know it.
                                        Pressure builds like a volatile volcano…
                                                      I FAIL my classes and ERUPT
                                                   The peak that is my self esteem
                                      Shattered by emails from professors,
                                           The lava oozes down the slopes of Mt. Me
                                               “Maybe I don’t Belong  Here”
                                     Starts the a nearby tsunami forming
                                                                      Underneath my scalp
                                                           It gathers speed and force.
                                                           It decimates the cerebrum.
                                                                                       I have to rebuild...
                                              This land is recycled often
                       Tremors with magnitudes that match
                                                        My GPA
                                            Keep me vigilant and mindful
                                                               that collapse is part
                                                                       Of my nature                   The complex societies that are rebuilt within my mind always thrive
                                              ….at the beginning of next semester.

My failings are justified
Ghosting your presence
Love me once meant life
Kindred lips part ways
Varied volume waves your force
Happiness used to be your metaphor for me
Climbing down now
Grounded grinding and generous

Study Study Study
Grades Grades Grades
That's all that seems to matter anymore
Not our happiness
Not our safety
Not even our health
Sure
I look okay
But
Were you paying attention?
Do you even remember, Dad?
Do you remember asking me why I was crying
Do you remember how I couldn't answer?
Do you remember, grandma?
Do you remember when you found a knife in my room?
I was ten
Do you remember, Mother?
Do you remember that lost and glassy look in my eyes?
Do you remember when I was sick
And I told you I hadn't eaten nearly all week?
Do you remember what you said?
"At least you'll lose weight."
I was nine
Do you remember how distraught I was
When had I revealed my first failed class?
Do you remember the tears?
The yelling?
The slamming door?
Perhaps the cold dinner left in my seat?
Do you ever notice how
when I'm asked how I am
That I always pause
I pause and shrug
Because how would I know?
That wasn't on the study guide.

It was all blue
couldn't find your way through
been knocked out
beaten black and blue
you rose again
that's what you do
life punched, you kicked back
never took the easy way
trying to stay on track
got the bruises
got the scars
days spent in hell
others among the stars
embraced your errors
accepted the glooms
a flower was a buried seed
one day it blooms
tracing the gashes
your name is chanted loud and clear
mission accomplished
there goes the fear

I can fake a smile to the unconcerned
But feel myself break down when asked
I’m so angry I’m driving myself insane
I try to distract myself with lists of tasks
I watch life progress without me
Can’t seem to match the pace
No matter how my speed increases
There’s no way I’m winning this race
I’m treading water, head barely afloat
While I watch everyone else coast by
Why does nothing I do seem to matter
I’m losing my motivation to even try

This classroom was full at the beginning of the semester
And it didn't happen all at once
One by one students not understanding
One by one failing tests
Realizing they won't make it
And don't get me wrong
I might not too
But at least I'm still here trying