Sounds of ice,
Gleaming back a causation or value,
Unknown faces silently breathing,

Show me some of your good time,
Break a nose or structure of cobble-stone,

The flame,
Such a boring stare,
Without hope, Angry, Afraid,
Violent with rage,

Justice is often though of as,
A sweltering heat,
Or an intense pressure towards a unified
Decision,

Break my bones,
Steal my soul,
Stand in the fire,
And loose all control

overlooking misty mountains
puddles left on the road
which one should i look?

I'm ambivalent
Ambivalence is the state
Wherein a person is torn
Between two opposing decisions

Will I stay or Will I go?
Will I laugh or Will I cry?
Will I live or Will I die?

Torn between two opposing decisions
That can cause me my life
These are questions I ask myself
Everyday...

I'm ambivalent...

anxiety is a killer
           it takes over your mind and body
     swallowing you whole
causing you to worry
       about uncertain outcomes
   leaving you a little numb
           it mistakes ‘try’ with ‘perfection’
  every red mark
                 gives you a ghost white complexion
       next weeks reunion gives you chills down your spine
   will they remember me?
should I just decline?
you can feel it in your hands
          as they sweat and shake
you can hear it in the sound of your queasy stomach and your shoe tapping away
you can see it in the way your muscles stiffen and your eyes become blank
you slowly start to succumb to these physical symptoms
       and slowly, you shut down
your hands cannot grasp your drink
your legs can no longer hold you up
your stomach cannot hold down this mornings breakfast
       and you tumble
       and it leaves a bruise on your forehead
       you mumble
    *will they notice?

Yes I hurt you
Yes I broke your heart
But I've been here since the end
I let you call me breaking down
Even though I was with my girlfriend
Simply because no one else would listen
And I ******* care about you

Yes I emailed you first
You chose to listen to others instead
And told me to move on
Two weeks pass
And you reach out to me
You want me back
But I had my closure
and started exploring new options

Yes I'm polyamorous
And it's been the best realization of my life
But to you I'm just selfish
I can't commit
Just because I can't be your property anymore
You even said you'd try it with me
Then turned around and called it debauchery

Yes I've made mistakes
I'm only human
And I'm growing every day
I am becoming a better person
But how can I keep moving forward
With you constantly tearing apart my soul?

Yes I say your words don't hurt
But I ******* love you
So they brand pain into my entire existence
And keep hurting both myself
And my beautiful new relationship
Because I'm putting all my energy into you

And yes I let it keep happening
But not anymore
I told your dad you tried to OD
I may have saved your ******* life
But all I did was ruin you right?
I tore you down and broke your hopes and dreams?
Tell me how, when I've been here the whole time
I have been supporting you in
Whatever you want to do with your life
I've been validating your feelings and
Trying to be there for you to talk
Because no one else was listening
But I'm just a piece of trash right?

No
I won't let you lead my life anymore
No
You don't get to steal my happiness
No
I will not let you hurt my relationship
No
I may have made mistakes but I'm not entirely bad
No
You do NOT get to take your anger out on me
Not anymore
I'm done
I'm out

Enjoy your life now
Because I'm done being the reason you hate it
You made your own choices
And you don't get to take that out on me
Not anymore
I'm done.

I haven't really faced these feelings yet
They've been hidden deep in my soul
Because it'd be easier to be heartless
Than to acknowledge the reality

I know I broke up with you
And I know the way things happened was not ok
I keep replaying where things changed
Trying to pinpoint that moment where
Everything stopped feeling right
And I think I finally found it

We were doing great together
So much love
We thrived together
And then I told you I'm polyamorous
And then I didn't listen to you
I didn't recognize my problematic behavior
And you were scared

I assume you felt like you were losing me
And I was finally feeling free
But I wasn't gone yet
We were still trying to be ok
But you shut down, understandably
And I got scared and distanced myself
You needed me more
And I felt trapped by that
So we both slowly changed
And neither could keep up with the others needs
I am not trying to justify this
I am just trying to understand

Because I still miss you
When I'm laying here alone
Cuddling my Nemo
And all I can picture is how you guys cuddled on the couch together
Or when I'm out doing something
And I think about how much you'd like it
Trying not to wish you were with me
But sometimes I do
I can't even play video games
Or watch love it or list it
Without these haunting memories
So I just avoid it and do nothing instead

Maybe if we lived closer it would have been different
Maybe if I would have paid more attention to your needs
We wouldn't have ended up this way
I know I said we weren't compatible
But we were once upon a time

I'm sorry if I made you feel like you weren't enough
You deserve so much more than I gave you
I'm sorry for not being enough for you
Because you really deserve everything good
You're a good person
And I care about you
I hope you find happiness one day
I know you will
You're good
I'm sorry for taking that away from you

In life, always think twice and make the right decision once.



Content
Written by
PoETEPETE
~©~ Protected & never neglected.
{2000 ~ 2017)

i only see vague remnants of who i was*

i don’t have another poem within me.

i haven’t sat down to write since the last time it felt like my old memories and bad decisions were catching up to me.

i don’t know what it’s like to feel like me anymore.

it’s as if it’s the fourth of july and i’m swimming with my friends

drowning

but
      no
         one
                is
    helping

me