It's happening again.
I'm watching myself flood everything we've built and I don't know how to stop.
The voices in my head scream,
And I have repeated dreams
Of being left by him
Until he turns into you
And I have no one left.
I know it wasn't real but it feels so real when you wake up shaking in the middle of the night alone.
I thought this time I could make it
But it's hard to stop sinking when your mind refuses to tell your legs to kick,
And you never even learned to swim to begin with.
Now you're crying,
I'm trying to tell you it wasn't your fault
but I can't see you anymore through my own tears
The waves are drowning out my voice,
I think soon they'll drown me too.

Things you said that I will never forget:
"My night would have been better if you were here."
"I want you in my life."
"I imagined you sleeping over every night."
"You live here now."
"You were my first choice."
"That waiter basically thought we were married."

Things you never said:
I love you.

I just wanted you to know
I never had any desire
to take care of another living thing
until you laid your head in my lap.

I never got the chance to tell you
I believed heaven to be the sound
of your breathing as you fell asleep,
so I told him instead.

It wasn't quite the same,
but I guess it was close enough.

In my heart, it is always summer.
We are watching Netflix on your couch.
My head is on your chest
and I pretend to pay attention to the movie
while I memorize the rhythm of your heartbeat.
We are stumbling in after a night of dancing.
I run to our balcony and you follow me.
You hold me while you point out different constellations
but I am too busy studying your profile against the moon.
I am waiting for you in bed
and you walk through the door singing softly.
I am falling asleep to the sound of your breathing,
thinking there is nowhere else I would want to be.
In my heart, summer never ended.

I hope your next girl takes care of you.
I hope she always tells you
how much she misses you.
I hope she never hesitates to
love you.

Moving on is realizing
that loving someone new
does not mean that
your past feelings were faithless.
Love is not finite,
it grows with you.

I swear to God,
I can still remember
the constellations on your back.
I trace them
over and over
again in my mind.
I look for them
on every other body
I have seen since.

One day, I will no longer
be in the habit of checking
if your light is on from your window.
One day, my thoughts will be
in my own voice again.
One day I will no longer
miss you from the moment I wake up
to the moment I fall asleep.

If there is
Just one thing I could do differently
I would go back to that night
And catch every single tear
That fell from your eyes

The hardest part of all of this is that you were not just the first person I was in love with, but the first thing I've ever loved at all. I think everyone needs to love something to be happy in life, and some people love their jobs, or school, or their home, or even themselves, but for me it was only you, and I don't know what to do now. I keep having dreams of people asking for my commitment and in those dreams the first thing I think about is when and how I will leave them. I keep having flashbacks to that evening we had dinner at the European brewery. You were joking about how if we ever broke up I would spend the rest of my life trying to replace you but I would never succeed. What if you were right? What if you were it? What if I am never able to love anyone else again?

I had a dream about you last night.
You held me tightly and lifted me up,
while I wrapped my legs around you.
You kissed me and said,
"Silly, I'll be with you forever."
My entire body was trembling
when I woke up. It hasn't stopped since.

Is there a word for the guilt you get
when someone is being so genuinely nice to you
and it doesn't make you feel anything
when you know that it should?
This is why I don't like being around people anymore.
Ever since you left,
I've been constantly trying to figure out
if I actually still care about anyone
or if I just tell myself I do because I want to believe it.
The way that I am now is similar
to how you have been since before I even met you.
So I just want to know,
who was it that you loved?

The other day,
my friend brought up something
that happened years ago,
and it was the strangest phenomenon,
the way it felt like that
wasn't even part of my memories
because it occurred before I met you,
like I wasn't even myself
until you came along,
like my entire life is only the span
between when you came
and when you left.

The caption of your most recent picture says "new place",
which is true since your new apartment is in the background.
But I keep wondering if you mean you're in a new place in a bigger sense,
emotionally, without me.
What is it like there?
Is the grass greener? Does it rain more or less?
Are you finally happy?

I have had very little say in how things panned out,
As I realized when I cried in your bed for hours that night
And you still didn't change your mind.
However, there is one thing I would like a say in.
Do not remember my puffy eyes in the morning,
Or how I couldn't look at you as I walked out of your door.
Instead, remember the exact way I fit against your body
When you held me for the last time.

Remember how invincible we felt together,
The times you sang to me and I just watched you
because you are so beautiful.
Remember the first time we watched the stars together,
I followed your finger as it pointed out the big dipper.
A plane flew across the night sky and connected with its tail,
Everything in that moment felt right,
I thought it was heaven's way of promising
That we would never lose this feeling.

Remember the night you told me about your childhood,
How all you wanted to be as a child was a father.
I knew I loved you that night.
Remember the way we all laughed,
When your best friend said he'd see me again soon,
None of us knew at the time that it would turn out to be a lie.

Remember that night we went out in your hometown
(Yes the night we helped your friend get laid).
The crowd thinned out as the night went on
Until there was so much room on the dance floor,
Remember my laugh as you twirled me around.
That was the night you told me you wanted to love me,
Remember the way I kissed you right after.
Remember how happy I was that night,
That is how happy I had hoped to make you for the rest of my life.

Do you also wake up in the middle of the night and almost reach for me
because you forgot that I'm not there anymore?
I slept next to someone else last night,
But I had a dream that I was next to you,
And I have never felt more disappointed in my life than in that moment when I woke up.
I can't tell which is worse, the disappointment or
Trying to sleep while holding myself together because it feels like everything is about to spill out of me.

According to everyone I should just go meet someone else,
but it's not that easy.
I have no interest in talking to anyone when I'm sober,
When I'm drunk I just end up telling everyone about you.
I can't tell if I'm waiting for someone to confirm that you're never coming back
Or for someone to lie to me so I can feel better for the night.

Can I ***** out all my feelings too, along with the *****?
I almost thought I had, the night I was dry heaving into the morning.
That was the night I got so drunk I couldn't stop asking everyone I saw
Why
Didn't
You
Love
Me?
I'm sure all the strangers in the room thought I was crazy.
I have dreams about you all the time and even in my dreams,
You still don't love me.

If I stare at your Facebook chat bubble long enough,
Will I see the three dots of you beginning to type a message?
If I stare out my window long enough,
Will I see you walking towards my front door?
I still want to punch a hole through the wall whenever I hear a song that you used to sing to me.
That's become particularly annoying
since the Chainsmokers got popular.
Apparently I can't get over you
while still listening to your SoundCloud playlists
But I'm not sure what else is worth listening to.

The other day, my friend commented on how fast I walk.
I told him it was because I had gotten used to your speed
since you're much taller than me.
In reality, I think it's just to make up for the parts of my life
that haven't been moving at all.

You should never date someone with the same music taste as you because there will be songs that you sing together at 3 in the morning when you're tangled together in bed that you won't be able to listen to again for a very long time. I used to never let anyone kiss me in public because I knew one day when I walk past that very spot it will take everything I have to keep walking. I used to never bring anyone home because I never wanted my bed to feel like it was missing something. Every time I look up at the sky at night, I think of the time you showed me where the big dipper was and how we watched an airplane connect perfectly to the end of it. It was like everything connected in that moment and I wanted nothing more than to somehow keep it forever. There's nothing but a big hole in the sky now.

Something about the way you held me,
It made me feel safe and calm for the first time in my life.
Like if you held me tightly enough, I would stop falling apart.
You looked at me like I wasn't shattered,
You believed I could be put back together.
That was when I knew I couldn't stay.

And maybe the reason I flinch
every time you tell me you love me
is because of all the times I didn't even blink my eyes when I said "I love you" without feeling a ******* thing.

When did "I want to" stop being a good enough reason to do something?
When did we stop going after things simply because they made us happy?
When did we lose ourselves?

Apparently writing down all the things I hate about you is supposed to help me get over you, but I'm not so sure it'll work because everything I hated about you was also everything I loved about you. And I hated how you even made me think of the word love even if it wasn't literally toward you. That doesn't really make sense but then again, neither did you, and neither do I, or anything really.

I loved how different we were because it meant things never got boring but I also hated how we never had anything in common and couldn't agree on anything half the time. Sometimes I wished you were someone else but then I would take that wish back because who knows how things would have been if you weren't you? I once told you about an ******* that made me upset and you said you would beat him up for me. It was really cute because we both knew you wouldn't even win in a fight against me. I loved how carefree you were. I never once saw you mad. It was probably my favorite thing about you, I wish I could've been more like you in that sense. But at the same time I hated how you didn't seem to care about anything at all, because did you even care about me?

You must have cared because you always picked up the phone when I called you, even at 2 in the morning, whether you were asleep or had an exam the next day. You were always the person I called at odd hours because you never questioned it. You never asked me why I called. You never asked me why I wasn't asleep yet. You didn't think it was weird when as soon as you picked up, before you could even say hi, I would ask you to tell me a story or tell me every single detail of your day. You would just start and you would keep going until I finally laughed. You knew I needed you as a distraction and you didn't even mind being used that way.

I loved how you always said my name, the way you just slipped it onto the end of sentences and questions. I didn't know I could fall in love with the way my name sounds coming out of someone's mouth and even now, I haven't found anyone that says it better than you. I remember when you called me the first time you ever got drunk and you kept saying my name over and over. In that moment, I could've sworn I was in love. But I also hated it because it was like you were making me out to be something I wasn't. I couldn't possibly be as perfect as you made my name sound.

It was like you could always tell what my mood was and you adjusted yourself to fit my mood. I loved how you understood when I didn't want to talk about some things and you would never push me to, you would just change the subject. Sure, that was what I wanted most of the time, but I hated that you didn't know that sometimes even when I don't want to talk about it, I actually do, and all I wanted was for you to hug me and tell me it'll be alright even if I would never believe it.

I came to work once after a night of crying and I think I covered it up pretty well with makeup but you saw through it as soon as you saw me. You were asking me what was wrong before I even fully stood in front of you. And you said I looked sad but at the time you didn't know that I was always ******* sad. You were the only person that day to see through my smile. I think you came closest to understanding me and that terrified me because I couldn't understand myself and I don't know if I want to.

I still remember when you told me that you were holding me back. You said it as a joke but I think we both felt the truth behind it. I loved that you wanted what was best for me but I hate how you didn't even try to make me stay. I probably wouldn't have and it would've never worked between us even if I did but **** I really wanted you to ask me to stay. Even if it broke you, I wanted to feel that you wanted me. I'm really sorry for how selfish I am.

But maybe you didn't really want me because you couldn't handle it. Because we both knew on those nights I called you at 2 in the morning, no matter how long you stayed on the phone with me and how much you made me laugh, I would still be crying myself to sleep when I hung up. How could you have thought that you were holding me back when I haven't even figured out where the **** I'm going? Or maybe you did mind being my distraction because I couldn't even figure out how I felt. Or maybe you knew I could never give you what a normal person deserved and maybe you figured out just how ****** up I am.

I don't even know what this is anymore. I was supposed to write about the things I hate about you but all I can think about is how much I hate myself and all the ways I hurt you when all I wanted was to stop myself from hurting. I once read something that said "you're not a bad person for the ways you tried to **** your sadness" so can you forgive me if you were the way I tried to **** my sadness? I'm sorry I tried to use you the same way I used the bottles and the bongs. I mean, even now, I can't tell if I actually liked you or if I just liked how you made me feel not so dead inside for a while. Sometimes I wonder if there's a difference between the two and if it even matters. But then again, I often wonder if anything ******* matters.

And I'm sorry I didn't tell you when I came back to town like I said I would but the truth is I wasn't sure if I wanted to see you or not. You were never a permanent cure, you were just a temporary painkiller and the crash when you wore off just added to everything else. That's why I didn't want to get close to you in the first place and that's why I hate you so ******* much. But I also can't.

And I still see you all the time in people that don't even look anything like you. I saw a man running across the street today and I swear to God I thought it was you but when I got closer I realized the man was probably at least 40. In crowded places I look for you and it makes me think of the time we went to a festival and you brought me home at 1:30 in the morning and **** I wish you had kissed me. But then again, I don't think either of us would have been able to handle the consequence of that.

I don't know how to end this, just like I didn't know how to say goodbye, which by the way, I am also sorry for. Even now, I am still wrapping my head around why we had to say goodbye. Because if circumstances had been different, if I was ******* different, maybe we could still be friends. Maybe we could have even worked out as more. Who ******* knows now? I shouldn't have gotten mad for no reason and walked away like that but how else was I supposed to leave without crying? God only knows I would hate you even more if you ever saw me cry.

You can tell him the truth. Tell him that I'm tired of walking around at 3am in the winter because I want to feel something that's  as cold as my heart and I want to see roads that are as empty as I feel. Tell him that it is hard for me to find the motivation to get up every morning and put a smile on my face when half the time I'm trying to find the motivation to keep living. Tell him about the times I woke up in someone's bed, whose name I will never remember, because I just needed a distraction for the night. Tell him about all the ways I have tried to fill the void that is my heart but failed to do so. Tell him that no matter how many good days, or weeks, or even incredible days I have, I will never be able to escape this sadness because it lives inside of me and it is just waiting for the right moment to attack. Tell him that I'm having a very hard time grasping why the concept of mental stability is so foreign to me. Tell him that the only way I know to deal with my feelings is to run away from them. Tell him I am tired of everything. Tell him I love him. Tell him I am grateful for all that he's done for me. Tell him I want him to be done with me.