It's happening again.
I'm watching myself flood everything we've built and I don't know how to stop.
The voices in my head scream,
And I have repeated dreams
Of being left by him
Until he turns into you
And I have no one left.
I know it wasn't real but it feels so real when you wake up shaking in the middle of the night alone.
I thought this time I could make it
But it's hard to stop sinking when your mind refuses to tell your legs to kick,
And you never even learned to swim to begin with.
Now you're crying,
I'm trying to tell you it wasn't your fault
but I can't see you anymore through my own tears
The waves are drowning out my voice,
I think soon they'll drown me too.
Things you said that I will never forget:
"My night would have been better if you were here."
"I want you in my life."
"I imagined you sleeping over every night."
"You live here now."
"You were my first choice."
"That waiter basically thought we were married."
Things you never said:
I love you.
I just wanted you to know
I never had any desire
to take care of another living thing
until you laid your head in my lap.
I never got the chance to tell you
I believed heaven to be the sound
of your breathing as you fell asleep,
so I told him instead.
It wasn't quite the same,
but I guess it was close enough.
In my heart, it is always summer.
We are watching Netflix on your couch.
My head is on your chest
and I pretend to pay attention to the movie
while I memorize the rhythm of your heartbeat.
We are stumbling in after a night of dancing.
I run to our balcony and you follow me.
You hold me while you point out different constellations
but I am too busy studying your profile against the moon.
I am waiting for you in bed
and you walk through the door singing softly.
I am falling asleep to the sound of your breathing,
thinking there is nowhere else I would want to be.
In my heart, summer never ended.
I hope your next girl takes care of you.
I hope she always tells you
how much she misses you.
I hope she never hesitates to
Moving on is realizing
that loving someone new
does not mean that
your old love was false.
Love is not finite,
it grows with you.
I swear to God,
I can still remember
the constellations on your back.
I trace them
over and over
again in my mind.
I look for them
on every other body
I have seen since.