I'm hanging on to the last time we touched
just a goodbye hug at the front door
and I know it's not much
but I don't think I ever loved you more
It's funny to think as I watched you leave
it was too early to say our I love you's
but too late for apologies
I'm sure what this world's got in store for you
is a better experience than me.

And I don't blame you for the way we were
or how the way we yelled
made lines blur
but I want you to know
behind the holes in the wall
slammed doors
and deleted photos
you pushed me to grow
showed me who I want to be
and for that, babe, I could never let you go
but you can't belong to me

Do you remember the time I stayed up all night
looking out your window
watching for daylight
you rolled over and woke up with a smile on your face
took me home on time but you were late to work anyway
Or offroading in the hills to have *** in my new favorite place
I didn't have my glasses and couldn't care less
our city floated in space from the view on your chest
those are times I could never replace
For the first time in a long time
it felt easy to breathe
despite the waves of stress rolling underneath.

I'll still keep your painting up
one day I'll show my kids
Tell them some chances not taken may come with regret
but a better ending always exists
I hope you laugh at all our shared tendencies
every time you eat pizza backwards
don't forget to think of me
And I still wear your shirts on days I don't leave the house
but I think eventually we'd both agree
we're better off now

you were never mine

but at the time it felt good to pretend

so I let your lies build fantasies in my head

gave myself consent to believe in things you never should have said

now I chain smoke cigarettes in your name

cursing this ****** up fairy tale of modern day

My day had been laced with comfort and love
which was strange for someone like me
but I thought I would end it in the same manner.

Smoke explored our lungs
and furled around the Christmas lights.
My lids laid heavy against my eyes
as I tilted my head back and inhaled the garage
the lights
the sounds
the people.

"Oh ****."
In an instant my world shattered
as the door opened
and he walked in behind someone
and our eyes met
and I could feel my heart gasping
and my body tremble
and my hands lose feeling
so I stood up to leave.

As my friend drove I shrunk into the seat
more silent
and less visible
than a breeze.
Tears crawled down my neck
but I didn't care
I needed to get as far away as I could
before thoughts of him began to inch up my spine
and constrict my head
like they usually do
but I think it was too late.

We pulled into the parking lot
and as my friend got out I refused to move
and when he left
so did my control.
I snapped and slid down the seat
shivering
covetous
stripped
flammable
and deeply burned.

It came to a point where I couldn't cry
so I leaned against the door
shaking
as my breath creeped along the window.

I wish he hated me.
I wish he resented me
and stayed so far
even memories of him would seem impossible.

I wish I hated him
hated how he made me look like a fool.
I wish my brain vomited his existence
and any thought of him
I would melt and pour down the drain.

4 months:
He's the most constant rendition of regulation I've ever allowed myself to recognize
With the eyes and soul to chastise a girl and leave her wanting more
The sort of cliche we're warned to ignore
but fall in love with anyways
while he's searching for the best parts of us
in the worst ways.

6 months:
I elude the sun
just to follow stormy days
losing track of how long I've been gone
or if there was a reason I decided to stay
But the same cliche who is holding my heart
is the only one waiting on the other side
As he looks away from my scars
he breathes, "Just you and I."
For the first time
I can't leave.

8 months:
Months deep, promises thick
he's half expecting me to stray
Disregarding my words
he hands over fistfuls of unresolved hurt
and swears he wants me to stay
But these days I'm so used to the silence of his car
playing back the situation
wondering if or when I went too far explaining my pain
The blame weighs heavy on our shoulders for the next few days
I don't believe in a god anymore
but I remember how to pray
and tonight I'll pray he'll not only hear
but listen to the things I say

"Stand up straight; you said you're used to being alone."
Used to smiling when I'm burning myself down and calling the ashes my  home.
These days I sit on a throne of broken bones and empty words
passing the time to ignore the hurt.

"The bed you've made is all in your head. It's too late for you to wake up, what little hope you had is dead."
I don't need you to tell me what was left is now gone.
I'm the one who lit the fire
I'm the one who has to pay for each and every flammable wrong.

He laid his head in my lap like nothing had happened
filled my chest with memories of how we were back then
He felt my heart retract as I watched the weight in his eyes hold him up
with words tucked under the smile he cracked
he said "Is it really that bad, or just bad luck?"

He left that night with the same brightness in his eyes
And it's nothing against him but I don't think he ever wanted me more
than in that one goodbye
Once undeterred by our differences we could still say we tried
didn't do each other wrong, but couldn't do each other right.