Her clothes are stained red,
From the truth that she shed.
Her wrists are stained a deep purple,
From the lies that she has hidden.

So many promises were broken,
Those which were spoken and
Unspoken.
All shattered in one, swift, swipe.

The tears are now drying up,
They're being replaced with a huge
Smile.

The numbness is now taking over,
Her one true saviour.
The one she has been lusting over,
Since the razor has become her master.

I can't do this anymore,
The pretending,
The lies,
The betrayal.

I can't do this anymore,
The lying to my friends,
To my family
About being happy.

I can't do this anymore,
I'm sick of trying,
I'm tired of crying,
I just want to sleep.
To sleep and forget,
Because while I'm sleeping
I don't remember anything.

I don't remember the hurt,
The lies,
The scars,
The blood,
I don't remember anything.

They come to me with problems That they can't handle. With a smile,
I drop everything to help them.

What they don't know is,
I'm facing a battle.
But they just think that
I'm a happy little helper.

The forces are joining up, Gathering everybody they can
While I stay here just trying to ignore them.

Black and white,
Dark and Light.
Go head to head
As I watch in Bardo
Waiting to be claimed.

​
They tell me that I'm a good poet
That I have a way with words.
They tell me that I can make the simplest things sound beautiful.
That I can make a flower bloom
Just by stringing 26 letters of the alphabet into a sentence.

They tell me that I'm complex.
That they have to read between the lines just to figure me out.
They tell me that I make the easiest things complicated
That I can turn my McDonald's order into rocket science.

They tell me this
They tell me that
They. They. They.
But you,
Oh baby, you,
You didn't tell me anything.
You never felt the need to.
You accepted me.
Flaws and all.

You accepted the way I made gardens grow all around us,
You told me you loved the way I turned the carpet into our personal meadow.
You accepted the way I ordered my mcchicken burger
Even if it took forever for them to understand my words.
You showed me that it was okay to be me,
To be unique.
To be able to turn the abc's into rocket science,
The 1,2,3's into the tip of the iceberg
To be surrounded by metaphors and little jigsaw puzzles that everyone thinks they can figure out
But when they get frustrated they leave, their mood gone south.
But you stayed.
Patient.

To this day I can't get the courage to thank you,
I've tried
God knows I have
But this,
This is my final attempt.
No metaphors,
No similes,
Just me.

So thank you baby,
My McDonald's order will forever remain encrypted
And my words,
Complicated.
But us...
We're asymptotes.
Destined to come so very close,
But never intersecting

I've got a war in my mind,
It's making me lose time,
The more I try to get away,
The harder it hits me when I go to bed.

The impact hurts,
It's a white,
Hot
Searing
Pain.

It's hands grasping my collar
Oh so tight,
I just lost all my might.

The brown, hairy hands
Is now squeezing my throat,
And all I hear is
"oh no, darling no"

"WAKE UP!"
I hear my father scream,
And what's that?
Is that my mothers weep?
"She promised she wouldn't"
I hear my brother say
But all I see is a light as bright as day

It whispers my name,
Oh so softly
And I feel myself walking
Free from all worry.

By now you must’ve realised,
that every face wears a mask
but darling,
if you let me, I want to do the honours,
of taking that filth away from you,
Daring, you don’t need a cover up
You’re just perfect the way you are.
Don’t you dare do them that favour
of getting under your akin
they’re just parasite’s ;
Lurking to get within;
They’re the monsters that hide under your bed


But darling I forgot to tell you…
We are the parasites and monsters that the fairytales warned us about.

You know his favourite smell,
The colour of his eyes when he’s happy,
The curve of his lips with each emotion he feels.
You know him on the inside and out.

He only knows you in the dark.
He knows only the shadow of your bones
The dip of your waist,
The curve of your legs wrapped around his.
He’s mapped out his favourite places to caress,
He’s marked it as his.
His.
His.
Only. His.

You know him.
You know his breath on your neck,
You know his words in your ears,
You know his short breath on your stomach ,
And the feel of his hair.

But you don’t know his gentle touch…
Only his bruising fingers...
You know nothing of his sweet words,
Only the profanity's and curses
You know the purple on your skin,
But you've never felt his burning, lingering touch.

You've always been an escape ;
A Fantasy.
Darling,
you know you deserve to be a reality.

It was flickering.
She could feel it.
She watched in awe as the light fought its way through,
Moving,
Just as she thought that it would die out,
That the fight was over,
It flickered again,
Stronger,
Brighter,
Hotter.

It seemed like an endless cycle.
A vicious, painful cycle.
She wondered why the light didn't just give up!
Why was it fighting its way through what seemed like a pointless war?!
Why didn't the light just...give up?
It would be easier, safer, painless...

Then she saw it.
The light stopped flickering.
The flame grew, brighter and brighter,
lighting up the black room,
Illuminating her once dark life.
She saw the flame dancing in glee,
knowing that it had won that dark battle.
She looked down and saw a shadow,
Her shadow.

Just like that,
She had her answers.

Before you, my world was dull,
The trees had no colour and neither did the sun.
I kept looking around for something to hold onto , but there was none
I never thought I would be able to see the day where I was blissful.

Like a storm, you came in,
Your eyes as piercing as a knife
And that smile that could give life
It was as if you were yang and i was yin.

I was the dark that was seeping into your life
But you didn’t mind as you smiled and guided me through
I could hear the demons pulling me back but you fought them all off
Unfortunately, they feed off chaos and strife

But the demons scared you..and nonchalantly you fled.
And like everyone else, you left me for dead.

Darkest night never felt so bright with you by my side,
The light appears,
Only with you in sight.
Oh darling,
Baby,
My love,
Don’t you see,
You’re the only one for me.
You give me life,
Light,
Guidance.
Something I didn’t have,
Till I met your acquaintance.
Oh sweetie,
It’s so awfully cliche,
But really baby,
I know we’re going to grow old and grey
Together.

I walk by all the places where our memories were created,
I still dream of our last kiss and that memory leaves me haunted,
Even though my friends tell me you ask about me all the time,
I still cry myself to sleep thinking about you and your eyes.

I always wish you were beside me telling me, its going to be alright
Because his touch doesn't make my skin feel alight.
I go to sleep beside him when I really want to be with you.
The words you wrote me still play in a loop inside my head,
The I Love You's you wrote are embedded in my brain

Sometimes I start to wonder if I made the right choice
I know what we had can never be a lie.

But I'm not fine at all

I remember the day I told you I was leaving,
I remember the tears pooling in your eyes,
When I walked away, you told me
"You promised you wouldn't run away"

I wish I could turn back time,
To work through all these stupid little things
I know that I don't want to forget you,
And all the happiness that you always bring.
Like the way our bodies fit perfectly,
And the memories I can never forget.

I'm not fine at all

The pictures that we took are still living on my wall...
I admit that I look at them every night before I bawl.
And all my friends keep asking why you're not around

Although it hurts to know you're happy with her and not me,
I still smile every time I see you laugh,
And I smile when you drum.
It's hard to be happy when I know that you've moved on

I wish I could tell you that I am never fine,
And that I haven't been since that night.

I'm really not fine at all.

I really wish this was a dream,
So when I wake up you'll be right next to me.
Hopefully this is just a dream ,
When I wake up I'll feel your hands wrapped around me.

No matter how much she tried,
She couldn’t defeat the Darkness,
Pushing and pulling
Her and throwing her all around.

No matter how hard the light tried,
It couldn’t even pierce the black wall
That had been built all around her.

Her world was black and white,
Completely drained of colour.
No rainbows appeared,
Neither did the sun.

Alas, she grew more and more terrified,
Unable to stop the terrors of the Dark.

She finally let go and let the Blackness engulf her…

The wind had never howled this
Loud.
It wanted everyone to hear its sorrow.
Oh how the mighty have fallen!

And with it came the tears.
Tears of the sky.
The rain fell
Harder,
Faster,
Pelting everyone with its rage,
Making them feel its plight.
Oh how the mighty have wept!

"We were Kings!" She screamed.
"Kingdoms fall." He replied nonchalantly.
"We were happy." She told him.
"Happiness never lasts." He said simply.

"We were in love." She managed to croak.
"Love doesn't exist."
Oh how the mighty are suffering!

It’s my 18th birthday today, love.
I beat you.
I finally did it.

Remember baby,
how we used to fight,
We used to play and compete
And how I used to whine,
Never gaining a single victory.
You always gloated,
Always rubbed it in my face.
In the end you always told me,
“My biggest achievement is you babe”
and tears would fall down
Staining my cheeks.
These tears never went away,
But you did.

Baby you promised!
You said we were forever!
So why did you leave me defenceless?!
I don’t like this game baby.
You win, I lose.
please don’t let my agonising anguish continue.

I wanted to win darling,
But not like this.
Not with you sleeping
Six feet
In a ***** damp ditch.

All I needed was a call,
But you never cared.
Laughing at my pleas,
Laughed when I bawled.

Lost and insecure,
You left me.
Lying on the floor,
In my most vulnerable state.

Promises were broken,
Those which were spoken.

You promised you would never said goodbye,
We even sealed it with a kiss.

Since then the guards have been up,
Never to be killed again.

“i’m fine..”
She whispered,
Ignoring the blood seeping from her wrists,
Trying oh so desperately to hide it,
From prying eyes.

She knows nobody will care,
She knows she doesn’t matter,
Not anymore,
Not since they threw her out,
Like an old toy that they got bored of.

They watch as she hurts herself,
Doing nothing except taking pictures.
Hashtag, We miss you. Hashtag, Why didn’t anyone help her.

Nobody ever helps..They just watch as we cry out in horror and pain.

​
I'll take shelter in my memories of a fool.
Because nothing hits me harder then the
Emotions when I see you.

You left me broken and ashamed
Nothing left but picture frames
All I know is that I lost the best part of me
When you left me hanging.

I took shelter in the deepest part of my brain.
Remembered how you were before you changed.
You used to smile.
The kind that would light up the whole room.
Now you do nothing but stand in the corner and brood.

I found shelter in a cramped up space.
Stuffed and overflowing with nothing but memories of us at your place.
Do you remember the day we just sat and talked?
Sitting under the grooves of the wall,
Tracing, memorising every little detail
Lord knows I still go over everything
Replaying it over and over again.

If I could do it all over
I know I'd do it differently.
I wouldn't have let you walk out the door
Even if my life depended on it.
I wouldn't have let you crawl into that dark room in your head
You know the one where it makes you afraid,
Afraid that everything is your doing,
That its your fault we're losing.

​
But the nights are long,
And now you won't even return my calls.
The space between us grows so fast.
What once was love,
Is just a scar.

She was waiting,
Waiting for her prince charming,
The boy on the white horse,
Waiting to hear the horses galloping,
Waiting for the loud cheer
of the commoners to alert her.

But the poor soul,
She didn't realise that there was no such things as happy endings,
No such thing as a prince charming,
No such thing as a saviour.
Because everyone runs away from darkness.
Everyone goes for angels,
No one stays for the devils.

The poor soulless girl,
Waiting for nothing but death.
A sad, tiresome, lonesome,painful
Curse.

Forgive me father for I have sinned.
His hands were on my hips as we swayed to the beat
Our lips danced together,
Our moans creating a hymn.

He was kneeling above the altar created specially for him,
Caressing his devotee,
Appreciating her beauty.

Forgive me clergy, for I gave him my ring,
How many Hail Mary’s will wipe off this sin?

Father, you told me my purity was all I had.
If this is what Hell feels like,
I would gladly sin again and again.

Darling,
you were made for Me,
We are each others
Destiny.

Baby,
your soft, gentle touch
Is forever going to be
hot to my skin.
Nobody else can ever feel
your caress - it's Contrived
For no one else but
Me.

Sweetie,
you. are. mine.
Only mine.
Don’t you dare go looking
For something else.
someone else.
They can’t give you what I can

I can give you love,
Baby.
I will fulfil your every desire,

I’m going to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

“Baby, What are you doing?” you screamed,
Screamed ****** ******.
Those words will never leave my head.
The crimson liquid won’t leave my hands,

Darling.
You just gotta understand.
I didn’t mean to hurt you, my sweet.
I was angry and it’s all so concrete,
So you can see why I had to treat you like a piece of raw meat.

But the thing that scared me,
Scarred me,
That wouldn’t stop bugging me…
Is that if I had a chance,
Given the circumstance…
I would do it over and over again.

Buried in Wonderland
I picture you here with me,
Us,
Together once again.
Forever.
I still remember me begging you
“B-baby, please save me,”
But you didnt.
You never did,
So why?
Tell me, Darling,
Explain why I’m still pining for you
Still dreaming,
Still fantasising us together,
Maybe on a picnic while you caress my face,
And tell me how I’m the most beautiful person you’ve ever laid your eyes on.
But for that to happen,
I have to wait
And for you baby,
I'll wait forever.
I'm comfy here sweetie,
I'm warm
In Our Bed
Waiting in your Favourite coloured dress.
Longing,
Only for you.

​
I know that you'll never be mine,
But you already know that I'm yours
Maybe even till the end of time

I know that we gave it a shot,
And it obviously didn't work out
Cause you're with her now.

I wish I could say that I was really okay,
But from this poem,
I'm obviously not.

You've made it crystal clear,
That you hold her more dear,
More near,
To your still beating heart.

I just think that it's funny,
How months ago you told me not to worry,
But when I caught you with her,
You didn't even bother to say sorry.

“Give me a reason to live” He said,
staring into the abyss that moaned his name.
“I can give you a thousand” I said
Grabbing a hold of his hand in an attempt
to ****** the satisfaction oblivion will gain.

The feel of your lips against my skin
Burning my flesh,
Lingering.
Your fingers raking through my hair,
Pulling and claiming what’s rightfully
Yours.

The way my fingers fit
So Perfectly in between yours.
The way our hands move,
Creating a Play with mere shadows.
Our moans
Groans,
Shouts,
Screams…
The way they are mere instruments
In creating a beautiful, sweaty symphony.

Darling, if not for me,
Or our memories,
Live for yourself,
Live to create new memories,
New favourites.
Live to be something,
Someone,
Forget thousands of reasons,
Baby,
You just need one.

Fall in love with a writer,
If you want to be granted immortality.
But beware,
If a writer falls in love with you...
They will carve you in history.

If I were over it,
My heart wouldn't hurt anymore.
If I were over it,
I wouldn't be scrolling through years and years worth of content
just so I could see my name on your timeline.

If i were over it,
my breath wouldn't get caught in my throat
just by seeing your name on snapchat,
twitter, or even instagram,
fearing that you're with someone who isn't me.

If I were over it,
I wouldn't still be writing about you,
picturing what our lives would be like
if instead of running away,
I actually stayed.
​

The day I learnt I was broken
I didn’t cry at all,
Instead a laugh escaped my lips,
As I leaned against a wall
and laughed and laughed
as I began to fall.

The day I learnt I was broken,
I started to look around,
But I saw nothing,
Didn’t even hear a single sound.

The day I learnt I was broken,
I didn’t have anyone.
Not a single person to turn to,
No one could be found.

The day I learnt I was broken,
I also learnt that I was alone.
                 With no friends, no heart and no place to call home.

I want to be Fire.

I want to burn,
To lick and hiss
and defy all odds.

I want to last,
To never die even when a swarm of people
From near and far,
Scream, fling, shout
At me,
Still then,
I will burn,
Destroy everything that works against me.

I want people to stop and stare,
Admire my beauty,
Come so close to it,
But being too scared to touch.

I want to engulf,
To incinerate
Anything that stands in my way.
The smoke from my success
Should paralyse.

I want to be Fire,
Even when I think I’m dying out,
i want my flames to rise again and again.

I'm incapable of love,
Incapable of feeling,
But Darling, please know that you are above,
Above everyone else. You're my King.

Mine.

im more than capable of jealousy,
The Green Beast grows inside of me.
He grows alongside the Black Barbarian
that thrives and feeds off Chaos and Strife
that takes pleasure in my Pain.

Mine.

I'm incapable of happiness,
Incapable of smiling for more than five minutes.
But Darling, please know that you're the source of my grin
The only one that can take away my despair...even if its for a little while.

Mine.

Baby, I'm more than capable of sadness,
its the only thing im good at.
the Blue Monster lets out a hearty laugh for every Drop that spills out of my leaking tap.
He sits on his throne beside his Comrades
Absorbing power like a Sponge.

Mine.

She knew it was destroying her,
Tearing her up piece by piece.
She knew it was unhealthy,
He was torturing her,
thought by thought.

His presence could be felt,
Even when he wasn't there.
His name runs wild in her mind,
No matter how hard she tried to tame it.

Everything led back to him.
The music, the books, the bed…

Everything just came rushing back,
The memories she tried so hard to forget,
That blackening pain,
The red blots on the sheets,
The screams....

I'm drowning in a sea,
A sea of my own Thoughts.
The dark slowly engulfing the light,
Savouring the taste as it crushes the good
in between its sharp fangs as the blood seeps out...
the deep red staining the sides of its mouth.

My breath hitching as I am forced to revel
In the dark
Being forced to watch myself
Self Destructing.

tears pooling in my eyes
But never escaping
As I am compelled to
By the demon involuntarily making me hold a gun to my head.

The demons laughing at my pleas,
Pointing at the disappointment that I have become.

The grin never leaving their face
As they watch their success story finish the job that they have started.
As the gun drops from my hand,
Into their next victims hand.

The red not only in my mind now,
But also on the white carpet...
The stains splattered all over
Never coming off.

She ambled along the pavement,
Searching for an answer,
Desperately looking for a reason to stay.

Tears pooled in her eyes ,
But she didn’t cry.…She never does.
“It makes you weak,” she stammered.
Vulnerable.

She was said to be a boy,
Never liking dresses.
She wanted to go places,
Unlike the rest who wanted a barbie doll as a toy.

She ambled, walked, then ran.
But she never found it.

Well, there goes another one.
Burried deep within the sand.

Dear Mama,
It’s me,
Your little girl.
The one who grew up too fast,
Has her own life now.
The one who you look at so strange,
‘Cause you can’t recognise even her own name.

Dear Mama,
It’s me.
Your angel.
Your baby girl,
The one who needs you more than ever,
The one who you can’t bear to look at because she’s changed.

Dear Mama,
Where are you going?
This is your home.
Home is where your heart is mama,
With me and the expensive new china.
Mama,
Please don't leave me alone, again.
Remember what happened the last time?

Dear Mama,
Please say it ain’t so.
You can’t leave now.
Your little angel needs to be in your arms.
Needs you to hold on to her,
Maybe then her broken pieces will fit back together.

Dear Mama,
I know you’ve gone,
But I also know that you’re still here,
That I’m still in your arms.
‘Cause Mama when I look at the sky,
I only see a bright light,
The star is shining on me,
Lifting me up,
Showering only glee,
Holding me tight,
Treating me right.

Dear Mama,
Don’t be sad.
Here I am,
Next to you,
Not on my death bed.

The ghost of survivors guilt can be so unkind.
It haunts me even in my dreams
Every Single Night,
Taunting me for living and breathing right,
Showing me that this cruel, cruel world
Really is plight.

Here I am sat
At 2am.
Thinking of you and me
And our short lived romance.

Our little story
Wasn’t enough for me.
Darling didn’t you see
How we were puppets
Faking our glee.

Little plastic dolls,
Set up perfectly,
To do what makes them merry
While we drowned in misery.

But baby,
I was wrong.
I never should’ve broken it off.
Because here I am
At 2 in the morning
thinking about you and me
And our Short little Story.

Words mean nothing
Nothing at all
If your word is going to be like a glass after it falls.

Broken
Empty
Only spoken

Truth versus illusion.
That seems to fit.
Where the illusion was that I was perfect with him
When the truth is that I couldn't stop the tears from leaving the brim.

Chipped nails and a bleeding heart,
She sleeps alone,
Waiting for her lover to come home.
She tears at her skin,
Hoping that maybe now he’ll walk back in.

Waist too big,
**** not tight,
Her lover got bored with the same flavour every night.
Too familiar with the small dip of her waist,
Too familiar with those same low moans,
Same generic brown eyes,
Those two ***** that just didn’t bounce right,
Too familiar with the way she wraps her legs around his waist
Too familiar with the way she tastes.

So he left…

And with him, he took her.