Why do you want me to hurt
Tell me what made you so cold to me?
Will you blame me forever for the past couple years or
can you remember when you followed me around like a puppy? ?
Is it possible for you to ever forgive me and move on?

The distance you put between us is like mountains.
Don't you understand I'm the only mother you are ever going to have?
Give me a moment of your precious teeanage time and I might surprise you.
I'd rather stab my own heart out and feed it to my enemies than cause you any more discomfort.

I guess all the love in my heart is invisible to you now.
I'm not sure why I still try to see you time after time
You break my heart with your father's feelings and words.
Can't you remember who I really am? What can I do to show you how much I love you?

At the end of your life, you will have made some mistakes.
Will they be as painful as mine seem to have affected you?
Will it even be intentional?  I doubt it.
But I hope your own child never discards you like an old toy....
that gets thrown out with the trash and is never thought of again.

I keep telling myself that I deserve this....

I keep telling myself if I keep trying, you will come around..

I never thought that I would ever have to protect my heart from my own son.

I was stupid and inconsiderate of the possibility my actions would scar your huge heart.

I just don't know how much more pain I can handle in my 38 yrs of life.
Many things, I have brought on myself, I am aware & responsible.
But so many things that were done in anger and hatred have scarred me.
Please don't leave another scar where it can be mended still....

My only request is that you just open your heart and your eyes a sliver.
For me to show you how much I still love you and you love me...
On a Valentines Day, my only wish is that you would show me any kind of feeling, even anger.
But you speak to me when spoken to and refuse to listen to my pleas.
I guess that's what your dad wanted.  He got you to believe his words of hatred of me.

Happy Valentines Day.   I love you.

Shear, pointed razor sharp claws
Digging into me like a fish hook caught on my lip.
....Intentionally, crushing my jaw and my ability to speak.

Always and forever, I will hold on to you like a life raft.
Why?  When your words stab me like a dagger in my heart.
Your tongue like a serpent, seeking revenge and harm to me.

Brilliant, you once were.
Severely handsome and crafty, like a gentleman not of this age.
Now your smile makes me sick.

But here I am and here you are.  
Seemingly stuck without a way out.
You want to get rid of me, and I can't imagine life without you.

I can't even leave the house without some type of consequence.
How can that be right?
I'm not perfect either, but let's be realistic.

It's just a matter of time
Before your memory fades away
It's just a matter of moments,

.....................................Until I'm gone to stay.

Here I am amidst all the chaos and confusion
While the brisk wind stings my flesh just hoping this nightmare is an illusion
You need me to trust the person you showed me
Keeping me in the dark in the room wondering why I'm always depressed and feel unworthy for you
Still you slither like a serpent
Always surrounded by dread and gloom
no more tears no more time for this ******* my heart does not need to be saved it makes me sick just thinking of you and your calculated moves
To you I must seem too naive
For you have no character and your soul is concave
Another day has passed yet still unable to shut you out and lock the door
Would love to spit in your face to degrade you and make you see how it feels but its such a waste of time.
For you will never be worth it

Brilliant light shining among the dark
He holds my hand, he holds my heart.
Walk with me far away from here
I need you close, I want you here.
Tadpoles dance to the moonlight serenade
Watching life evolve, while stars dance and play.
How awesome is his name!
Never wanting our guilt and shame.
Seeking advancement in my spiritual place,
I close my eyes and see your face.
Engulfed within a sea of freedom and grace,
Feeling surreal, eternally grateful for every good memory that stays.
Evil things are no match for peace.
Making all the nightmares cease.
Brilliant diamonds in the sky
Enjoying today instead of asking why.
Treasures in heaven await for me
And in his time, we will finally see.

Running into the night without caution or care
Praying I won't slip in the mud and land in the abyss of all the haters.
Each step is tacky and sticky, causing my speed to continue to slow down.
While, each breath is ****** from my lungs with such intensity that I wonder what side I am fighting for.

And as the time inches closer each day, my prayers become quieter
And my sorrow and doubt grow into full blown anxiety.
The news fills our head with complete anihilation, destruction the only goal.
Bones and primitive tools line the streets with the aroma of innocent death.

Keeping my eyes open, I see the sun and it never fails to rise.
In the evening, the moon controls the tides and lights up the darkness with stars
Inside my heart and soul, I beg for forgiveness from the divine, perfect one.
While silent tears line my face and my nose becomes stuffy.

I think they are calling the first step martial law, which sounds like we need to ready ourselves for the end.
But until that day comes, you can still find me giving thanks to our Lord and Savior.

Only I
row upon this stream
The oar hits the blue-green water
Only a woosh is heard upove and below

Above the water, the sunset deepens
Such crimson colors
Burnt sienna and deep purple
When the reflection of the sky meets the water
And you cannot tell where the sky begins or ends

The quiet thoughts of the mind
Simply disappear as quickly as they enter
The clouds have left, only stars remain
As they twinkle and shine as a prayer is answered.

This is where hope begins and faith is full
So magnificent and lovely
Heart grows and yearns for only this moment
Forever remembered, always kept as a photograph

Only I am
Rowing upon this water.

'Born into a world, where she did not belong,
Her body was crippled, her heart was not strong.

She lay in the bed, surrounded by glass
Her struggle was instant,  but so much had been done, it could not last.

The Doctor and staff had decided to do everything to fight for her life.
Still in recovery, her  procedure was done. and no more battles with that surgical knife.

The child was sick, unlike those all around,
But the doctors were still hopeful that a cure would be found,

Illness enveloped her, she became broken and frail
Everyone held on to the faith and that their  hopes would not fail.

As the child lay lifeless in the emergency bed,
So much sorrow, hard to believe she is really dead.

She will always be remembered for the struggle she made
And on her tiny gravestone, white roses were laid.

Her mother, the addict, feels no remorse....
She will do just about anything to get high with every source.

I just woke up in the middle of the night
With tremors of a nightmare I can't shake off.
I lived in a western town before technology and before I existed.
I met an indian woman with the gift of sight.
This dream kept me up for the rest of the night.

She had a vision of the grim reaper, which was me.
She said she saw my ashes in the doorway.
She was repulsed by my touch.
Is this truly my destiny?  
Terrified, I think she could really see.

I lay naked and bared my soul.
He laughed, because he couldn't help it.
I cried because it damaged me to the point of weeping.
Is this what love is supposed to be?
I cried and cried because he wouldn't see.

I know my errors and mistakes, I've made.
I know that God is reaching out to me.
I know this poem is repetitive and drone.
But, sometimes when I write, I'm not alone.
And when your past never ends, you turn to stone.

WHEN IT SEEMS LIKE ALL IS LOST
AND YOU HAVE NO ONE ELSE TO COUNT ON, READY TO GIVE IN
ALL OF A SUDDEN, SOMEONE APPEARS
AND IT  CAUSES YOU TO TAKE INVENTORY OF YOUR CHARACTER WITHIN

FOR ALL THESE YEARS, I DREAMED OF BEING WITH SOMEONE REAL
SOMEONE THAT COULD REALLY ACCEPT ME FOR ME
YOU WERE ONE HUNDRED PERCENT UNSELFISHLY AND LOVING
I HAVE ALWAYS YOUR  LOVE COULD SET ME FREE

WHILE YOU SLEEP, SOMETIMES I GAZE INTO YOUR SOUL
NOT OFTEN WILL THERE EVER BE
SOMEONE WHO CAN TRULY LOVE AND BE LOVED
ESPECIALLY SOMEONE AS DIFFICULT AS THE LIKES OF ME.

THE DEEPEST EMOTION BURIED FROM A PLACE I'VE NEVER KNOWN
SUDDENLY, I ALL BECOMES SO VERY CLEAR
I'VE BEEN RUNNING FOR SO LONG. WITHOUT AN END IN SIGHT
THAT MY SELF-DECEPTION TURNS FROM COLDNESS TO ABSOLUTE FEAR.

IMAGINING MYSELF IN A TORNADO OF BLISS,
SOMETHING I NEVER THOUGHT I'D FEEL FOR REAL
NO MORE CONFRONTATION OF AGONY OR PAIN
THIS NEW FEELING OF TRUE LOVE STAYS STRONG, FEELING SO SURREAL.

PASSING THROUGH THE TURBULENCE OF THE PAST
USED TO CONFINE ME IN A STATE OF DISTRUST
BUT, NOW ALL THE PUTRID PAST LIES BEHIND ME
ALONG WITH TRUE PASSION WITH LOVE, CONTAINED BY HEAVENLY LUST

SO HERE ALL LIES RIGHT BEYOND THE NOW
SEEKING OUT TRUTH, NO LIES, NEVER WAVERING FROM REALITY
KISSES AND TOUCH, LOVE BEYOND MY BOUNDARIES
KEEPS ME TRULY HAPPY AND WITH NEVER-ENDING ECSTASY.

I WRITE THESE WORDS TO MAKE YOU SEE
I''LL BE LOYAL AND TRUE TO YOU
THANKING GOD FOR  EVERYTHING GOD BLESSES ME FOR
I USED TO BE LOST, BUT NOW I AM ONE OF THE CHOSEN FEW.

GOODBYE, I SAY, BUT NEVER DO I LEAVE
YOUR MERE PRESENCE PENETRATES MY SOUL
I FIND MYSELF AGAIN, USED TO NEVER BE ABLE TO  RECOGNZE
FINALLY FILLING THE VOID INSIDE ME, FILLING THE IMAGINARY BLACK HOLE

pour your spirit into a antique vasehe
multicolored with deep, passionate purple
with spirals and unique designs embossed with glass preparing for the adventure for a journey with a destination not yet revealed

Staring out the window,
Frozen in time
In that one moment
where everything changed.
Innocense and simplicity
surrounding me with love and trust
Frozen in an abyss of memories

Bricks of mortar fall on my path
like a wall of misery and anguish
Surrounded by a vision of death and destruction.

Wondering how I've endured the constant treachery and deceit
Yet, never allowed myself to break free from the insanity of sorrow
Almost in fear of what will happen tomorrow.

The sickness inside of your cold, icy heart
Penetrates my warm, loving soul with an icepick
The unseen blood spurting from every wound you created
Even now, my sadness eats holes in my stomach, making me sick.

So, please harden and guard my heart
Remind me of who I really am
I need protection from my self
Because no one gives a ******* ****.

Feel the rage within you
Trying to consume you
Living out your fears
Of what's really out there.

The world we live in created by desire
Can you feel my vibrations pulsating and throbbing?
Throughout every part of your mind.
I'm still human in this game we call life

We are given a responsibility to be honest with ourselves
and how much each of us can show all others respect and love
Yet, here I sit feeling like I want to ***** in my mouth
For the one person I thought I was in love with
..... that would kick someone when they were down.

Tick tock
Tickety-Tickety tock
My hair stands at end
Ready to fall, a superior time to walk.

Away from here
And gone from this place
That fills me with sadness
And such disgrace.

Will I ever know the reason behind
The choices made, etched in stone?
Can I be forever sorry
Or just happiness eternally postponed?

So, here I am in complete surrender of will
I give up on self-sabotage and futility
I kneel to pray for mercy and grace
And for the gift of God's love, humility and grace.

Living, dreaming, hoping, breathing
Following my heart once against all odds
Hoping that this will be the time for me, for us.
Maybe after retirement, we will be fishing with our reels and rods!

I’m a tired soul who needs you  more and more everyday
Just to  function , just to remember to believe
You help me be the one I want to be….
I never want to end up back on the streets.

You keep me going when I don’t think I can
You keep me fed and loved , without fail.
I’ll never be able to repay you for your selflessness
And you can find me from my Corona trail…

Live and let live, is my motto, for sure
But the evil ones that lie and deceive try to intervene
I say “**** those people” in my inner heart
I just want our life to be serene.

Can you feel me?’
Can you feel my heart?
Can you understand what I’m thinking right now?
Only your love will break down my walls, you have from the start

In the essence of my eternity
I pull my strings to get what I want, what I need..
In the eternity of my essence,
I’ve lost the ability to feel what everyone should feel, no more greed.

Take me into the abyss of my misery,
While the deep,  intense, thoughts abide me in my life’s way
Everything is platforms, *******, and sin
The dogs are in the way, opening their mouths before they know what they say.

The creek is filled with alligators, yet the pond is filled with fish
I find myself in the abyss  of anger, resentment and grief.
I’m trying hard to exist within the lines, within these symptoms.
With God’s help, I can begin to live with less sadness, more relief.

The bayou is filled with souls of those truly dead and memories of past
Some killed, some filled, some souls that have been sold
I ask our Lord for forgiveness, yet sin again, like an ignorant migrant worker
I can only try to fill my life with his joy, like the bible foretold.

Forever again, it seems an eternity  to me.
Severing all the thoughts that cause bitterness to bite me
Keeping all energies postiive, in the midst of a spiritual war
Wanting with all my heart for the me that God created continue to be.

Drained
Of all energy and positivity
Lurking
In the distance
I feel him coming for me.

Seething
His rage is all encompassing
Surrounded
Suffocating me from the inside out.
Feel the anger fueling the fire.

You said the anger would come back
just as the love did.

I have a black look I do not
like. It is a mask I try on.
I migrate toward it and its frog
sits on my lips and defecates.
It is old. It is also a pauper.
I have tried to keep it on a diet.
I give it no unction.

There is a good look that I wear
like a blood clot. I have
sewn it over my left breast.
I have made a vocation of it.
Lust has taken plant in it
and I have placed you and your
child at its milk tip.

Oh the blackness is murderous
and the milk tip is brimming
and each machine is working
and I will kiss you when
I cut up one dozen new men
And you will die,sYou said the anger would come back
just as the love did.

I have a black look I do not
like. It is a mask I try on.
I migrate toward it and its frog
sits on my lips and defecates.
It is old. It is also a pauper.
I have tried to keep it on a diet.
I give it no unction.

There is a good look that I wear
like a blood clot. I have
sewn it over my left breast.
I have made a vocation of it.
Lust has taken plant in it
and I have placed you and your
child at its milk tip.

Oh the blackness is murderous
and the milk tip is brimming
and each machine is working
and I will kiss you when
I cut up one dozen new men

And you will die, somewhat,
agsas in and again

Oh, I'm lucky - am i ?
The canyon is so far between that I can't jump that far anymore
The echo of my voice lingers between jumps as i screeeeaaammm..
The screaming is from m inner soul and it just continues to sccccrreeeeeaaammm until no words are left.
Lately, I've been feeling a little under the weather, let's face it.. loony tunes.
  
I can't keep my anger in check and I appear a little ****** around the edges
.My dog keeps licking me, in an effort to make me relax a little.
It's cute how she knows m feelings and makes an actual effort to comfort me.
That is way more than any other person that I know actually does.
Her name is Harmony, for that reason alone, it makes sense.

Here comes the part that my boyfriend feels bad he isn't the dog.
I never wanted him to be the dog and never said, "hey bf--- can you act like the dog."
No, he is the boyfriend and in no way do I wnt him to be anything else.
He did telll me today that I should be happy that I woke up in the bed and not the street,
Which was comforting in  a way... absolutely... I mean what does a ****** like me deserve anyway.

**** that ****.  Are you kidding me?  What do you take me for? I'm not that bad off....
Lay someone else down in my tomb today to die,.. it's not going to be me.. so sorry to give you the bad news.
So call me ******, lame ***, and i will crawl up your *** to die (it won't be pretty)
Don't **** with something you don't understand.  I know you will never understand me.
What's it going to take to make you get it'?  Don't play with m emotions or I'll turn on you, in a hot second.

I'll make you wish you remembered the times that I tried so hard to please you.
I'll make you wish you were back with your mommy and daddy to protect you.
I'll cut out your tongue with my own and laugh as you try to beg me not to do it.
I'll close both of your eyes and burn you in your most sensitive spots with my cigarette.
That's what you deserve.  I should be lucky to wake up in my own bed?   *******.

My Life


Always a surprise

I want to feel what others feel.
I know what is supposed to be real.
I’m addicted, or afflicted…. Need some help from you.
The past has been a big part of my problem, its true.

I need you more than I’ve ever needed anything before.
**** my life up through a paper straw and feel me at the core.
The sorrow  inside me burrows from deep within
Sometimes I feel like I’m never going to win.

Why do you make me want to feel this way?
Will it ever truly go away?
**** this feeling of weakness and loss…
I know that the waves of anger seem to violently break me and toss.

Everyone I know has something that they want from me.
My defenses are let down and as I’m devoured, I finally see.
Seeking refuge from the storm coming near.
But every time I get close, I begin to feel that eternal fear.

Liars and hypocrites line the streets with innocence.
While they try to **** me, I’m still thinking of how they are dense.
Take me completely or leave me blind, deaf and dumb
I don’t understand you….  What has made you so numb?

Fun escapes your vocabulary…. Keeps you down without your consent.
Senseless running in circles keeps you in the money, pays the rent.
But even though you think the answer is clear,
I see through the mirage you are creating and it causes my eyes to tear.

Fighting with desire
A battle to the end
Overshadowed by emotion
Knowing it would hurt my friend

Loyalty, is the only way
To truly live and be true
Not allowing betrayal to succeed
Hoping it means the same to you.

Perched upon the top of the jungle's highest tree
I have a panoramic view of our destiny
Refusal to be suffocated in life's cage
Not conforming to the laws of this society

Taken by my own illness
Captured by the invisible spirit
Cannot fill this void inside
Capable of nothing, tragic ending

Loathing all that the evil brings
Sickened by the torture inflicted
Forgetting the pain and misery I’ve caused
Fearing that the thing has made me addicted

Conscious deceit turning me into a void
Scratching at the bedpost, secretly captive for eternity
It cant be the end of my life
Now I know that I’ll never really be free.

I create my freedom
From underneath the tree of life
Giving bountiful treasures and blessings to others
Like the soft, pink petals of a new flower
Refreshed with morning dew,
The cool, crisp air to breathe in another day.

My belief creates my experience
I believe in all good things
That have been created by God’s special works
Just for us, he loves us so much
He gave us the beauty of the morning.

Like the surging wwwaves
Of an angry ocean..
My feelings are the same.

Wanting nothing better
Than to be swept away
By one of those waves.

.... And if by chance,
Under a wave I'll plunge
Beneath the sea.....
Clutching onto my last breath, gasping.

Knowing my existence on earth has ended
Trusting the spirit to unite me with the beginning
To answer every question I've ever wondered
Billowing in the wind like a fresh breeze.

Knowing my voice will never be heard again....
Only the brief murmuring that can only be heard...

....above the sea

When I don't think about the consequences
Of something I have said or done to another...
I try to think of why I felt anger or bitterness was the cause
Or if I felt like being ****** up that day.

I never like to see someone that I love in pain,
But here I go again and again.
It's like being stuck in a trainwreck
Where I can't look away and I can't get out.

Sooner or later, all the people I once called friends
Will separate and wither from my friendship tree
And the only one that I will have to blame for this tradgedy
Is the person with disdain for the human race that lives inside of me.

Like a rat in a cage eating the cheese that isn't filling
Like a Lion in the zoo, seeemingly content, but wishes he was back with his family.
Like the earth that is being destroyed by people just like us, without a second though.
I strive to be like the person that God created me to be.

So, now when I pass a stranger on the street that needs some help,
Or my friend that is constantly making the same mistake over and over..
I'll take out my hand and whisper in their ear-- always will I be here for you.
I'll take the power from the anger and bitterness, making it never again so true.

The crackling fire spits sparks into the night sky
The atmosphere, alive,  with bright hues of burnt sienna
Illuminating your spirit with pure beauty,  sadness cannot thrive.
Love more real than any I have known..

Your eyes are so blue, not even a hint of a storm cloud approaching.
Your smile makes me forget every other lover I've known.
Every part of my body throbs in anticipation of your touch...............

I never saw it coming, blinded by emotions and lies
Leaving welts you left on my soul, so damaged
Your bitterness eats me alive
Buried alive,, slowly suffocating by the dirt thrown into my mouth.

Beating me into the ground with a shovel..  
I can hear the echoes within the soil, tormenting with anguish
Violently trembling and  shuddering with anger.. or is it  fear?
Sorrow aches deep within , vulnerable.

A vicious cycle starts from sweet to sadistic...
Wicked thoughts invade the purity of love.
Will we be able to withstand the cruelty and pain?

Unable to reach some kind of compromise.
How much I love and adore you,
My soul is old and my spirit free,
Yet you try to clip my wings and cage my essence.

Forever filtering  through my flaws and imperfections
Your intoxication transforming you into a savage
Being tortured, slowly, and with a motive
Your words are  weapons to use against me.

Flesh ripped apart,   blurring my vision with such a vengeance
Scratching and clawing
As they furiously circle and isolate their victim.

I am no innocent, I will not be
Oblivious to my crazed, moody outbursts.
I forget that my tongue can be the fork that eats you alive.
My mind unable to comprehend the damage I've done.
All my demands are incinerating the chance of happiness.

My addiction and your affliction segregate our hope
Calculative and manipulating, we can't live like this  
We both lose a battle we don't even realize is going on within ourselves.
Making no sense of the battles we choose, petty and useless.

What is the true reality of our abuse?   You are forever placing blame...
Surely, this cannot be love, for it takes no prisoners
Forever damaged and scarred, bitterness within my heart...

Wandering aimlessly, surrendering to my demise
But still, my heart belongs to only you
Knowing that only pain will it cause

Tired of running in circles,
Aren't you tired of sleeping in your clothes?
Never trusting again without fear of anger and loss?
Or does it matter to you what the peace and love will have conquered or will you only think of what it has cost?

Are riches worth selling your soul?
Jesus came to give us salvation to let us know that we are free from a hell we make ourselves.
What is the choice today?

Lord, bless those who want to know you more.
Keep me a light than shines for you in the darkness.
Why did it take me so long to want your will?
Your grace and mercy overcome any obstacle in my life.

Take me as I am
Or take nothing at all
I’ve been conditioned by my environment
To fight, to run, or just take the fall.

Prisms of light encompass the sin
Rays of light that burn my flesh, in agony
Yet here, I stand, daring the worst to happen
Causing temporary blindness, now I can see.

You seem unapproachable when you so desire
Cuts my flesh with stabbing knives, severing my esteem
But that’s okay, I’ve been through much worse
I’ll take another ******* one for the team.

Wish you could truly understand, I’m real
Every disguise is transparent to you
But I realize that you have been severely wounded
And for me, the truth I know will come true.

Now the question is… will you risk it?
Or is there too much of your heart at stake?
No reason to continue to lurk beneath the shadows
I think that if I leave my guard down, my heart will be crushed and break.

You are beautiful to me
Even if you don’t believe it
I wouldn’t hurt you.. Even if I wanted to
Not that you would believe me.

The parting of the oceans,
The beating of my restless heart..
Tis all the same in God's eyes, I think.
Another beautiful miracle that no one can explain..

Yet, there will be more..

The afterlife is like a soft breeze
Breathing soft drops of rain on a warm summer's day
No one wants to leave, but the time is up and they must.

... It will all begin again soon.

Your piercing eyes see right through me.
You see no one but yourself.
I will never satisfy you,
But for me, there could be no one else.

We've been through it all;
Although most has been tainted, keeping me down...
I will never leave you,
Through all the resentments and lies, I'm having a breakdown.

I don't know why I love you
I don't know why you don't even care
Even when I thought about leaving you
Consequences too extreme to dare

The best times of my life are over now
I, finally, let you have control over me.
I should have left the night you first hit me
I'm sick and twisted, being alone seemed worst agony.

I made up excuses for you...
My real friends knew all along
They begged me to leave you,
Your constant abuse made me think I wasn't strong.

Now, I've given up on this existence.
I feel hopeless and so alone
Doesn't matter why I still feel love for you.
Almost dying has given me a new backbone.

Your piercing eyes always stared right through me
Blinded by everything else, only yourself to see
I could never satisfy you.
Now I'm putting my energy into something worthwhile....

.... ME!!

Drop it, and it all begins
Feel it living out your sins
Madness slowly closing in
Let the insanitybegin.

Look around, what you see
Is far from reality.
Walls breathe, faces change
With each moment, quiet derrange

Glowing figures reappear
But somehow, I feel no fear
Dancing objects in front of me
You cab't imagine the things I see.

Reach out, touch the imagery
Feel its fire set you free
The spirit within
Beckons from inside.

Everything you are seeing
Nowhere left to hide,
Curled up in a corner..
Darness creeping in.

Time  is the enemy,
No way left to win.

2/29/11

Dreams of life I've always known
Catching glimpses of what they've shown
Hard to see from all the light
These people are gifted with a 2nd sight.

Farewell to thee, so it's time to leave
It's hard to feel somewhat relieved
Surrender now to this sacred plea
Forever changing, to the reality to be.

Kindred hearts that share my pain
Keeps me alive, then struggling again.
Forging through despair and cold, never so
Feeling like revenge is the answer, but I could never be so bold.

Funny how it all seems so real
All these people forgot how to feel.
Danger lurking behind every door
Keeps me hungry and looking for more.

Before my existence, all perfect and new
Taking hold of my eternity, something I never knew.
Choices were pre-ordained, all my faith holds me tight
I only want to do what's good and right.

Bringing me to a peace, I've never known
With all intent, I feel alone.
For this I feel is the beckon call,
Hoping for pure love, content to fall.

I use my poetry as an expression of my inner self, my being.  I would love it if you could critique my writing to let me know what I am or am not doing write(right).  I recently lost my boyfriend.. he killed himself and am writing to express my emotion,but anything you can help me with would be most appreciated!!

poetlefemme

Captive by fear
Frozen in shock by your death
Missing your guidance
Wondering if you are truly at rest.

Did you get your wings back?
Can you soar in the sky?
You said you were my angel…
So, why did you have to die?

Broken pieces of my empty heart
Forming a puzzle in my soul
Killing me softly, you were right.
This decision has taken its toll.

Somehow frightening, not sure how
I do miss the sparkle in your eyes
I’m so sorry for the pain I caused
We never  got to say goodbye.

Sometimes I wonder...
If what you say is really true.
All you say time and time again
...Is I love you.

Said once or twice, the meaning is real
But I never knew you lost the ability to feel.
I used to wait in longing to hear you say
Those very words of encouragement and commitment...

Now as they come from your deceitful lips
All i feel is remorse, regret and resentment.
It seems as though, these are just words to you
Conjured up with a heart of stone, disguised in truth.

Have absolutely no meaning,
just simple words to you..
I'm blinded by love and I'm naive
So your lies will satisfy me

I admit that this was once the way to make me stay
I realize, now, this is the coward's way
Promises that once you made and those you will-
Your promises mean nothing, only to keep me with you still.

Sometimes, I wonder as I sit here alone,
If what you say is really true
All you say, time and time again
Makes me wonder why I ever loved you.

In the end
I'll need a friend
But for now, i'll just ask that you forgive me
                               .

.........................................for everything I did when i don't remember anything...

By then, it will be at a point where i cannot take it back
Hopefully, i won't take your words as an attack
Because then, i wasn't in my right mind.

Sure enough, you will say that you will
It won't be fun or a thrill,
Can't you see what i'm saying to you?

Forgive me, please.
I'm on my knees..
Begging God to forgive me for everything

Like me, no you won't at all
It won't be pretty, and you shall
Wonder how it has all came to be

A mark i will see,
It's all meant to be
I never meant to hurt anyone at all.

He bends on one knee
To propose to only me
And it all comes rushing out that he's just been used for one thing.

He stands up to say
I'll never be that way
And leaves in a huff, carrying a grudge to this day.

I'll feel bad, again
Wondering why he felt anything...
And as I walk the other way, I'll feel better about myself.

Searching for the one to fill my void inside,
Telling the truth to the one I must abide
.................................And only God knows me for who I am.

I feel so blessed
That I knew you
Always there for everyone

Your spirit is strong
Able to overcome life's obstacles
And still manage to brighten someone's day

I know that your life wasn't easy
But your heart was overflowing with understanding
With love and kindness

You will never know
How much you will be missed
And I know that God is taking care of you now

You've brought so much love into my life
And taught me so much
I will strive to be half the woman you were

And await the day I will be with you
Again in heaven.....

Goodbye.
I follow the light at the end of the hallway
Towards the kitchen, where all is dark and I swallow the fear.
As I creep towards my destination,
I realize that our future is never quite as clear.

It pains me to say goodbye to the ones I loved the most
But it doesn't help matters to stay and ruin everything we've ever managed to save
I open the refrigerator and grab a beverage of my choice.
Close it softly, tears fall down my cheeks, strength and control---- I have to be brave.

Tiptoe, tiptoe, silently, quietly back down the corridor to the light
Keeping my secrets in the closet, getting pretty full in there, I THOUGHT.
Planning my escape, within my heart and letting my mind be in charge of this.
Slowly, I pack my cases, careful to only take what I have brought.

Never again, will I allow myself to be prisoner and confined to anywhere
I feel like I'll have a tough time finding a new home,
But nothing in life that is hard, is always so comforting when its unknown.
I just know that I have to trudge forward and no one will be there to comfort me, I will be all alone.