i watched you die over and over again.
i saw you disappear in your bed sheets instead of going to school.
i felt the broken pieces of your heart poke my chest when i hugged you in attempt to repair it.
the more puffy your eyes were,
the worse day it was.
i wrote you poems and letters filled with love and heartache.
i told you we were going to travel and i would get tattoos all dedicated to you.
in these moments,
and always,
i would break my back for you.
bu there's not enough hugs,
not enough letters or poems one could write to help your flowers flourish again.
it's been the longest winter,
and at the same time,
we never wanted it to end.
you wanted to hold on
and i had no choice but for it to consume me too.
there weren't enough hugs or letters,
there weren't enough friend visits and smiles to make things how they were before.
for i too quickly tape down pieces of my soul to keep me grounded,
to keep me from floating away
because

you

need

me.

you need me to be here,
to be strong for the both of us.
there were times where i couldn't be there.
those were the times where  i would stare at the ceiling,
sit on my flood,
cry for hours.
write notes for my loved ones.
"i'm sorry."
but i can see spring.
i can see the warmth.
i can smell the smell of morning dew.
i can hear the rain that heals us all,
most importantly i can see our flowers growing in our veins again.

i miss you.
it's not even noon and i feel myself getting consumed by the sadness of your absence again.
i miss you.
once again,
the world has reminded me that you're no longer here.
you're so far away and there's no way that i can tell you that i love you with the guarantee that you'll hear it.
the sudden longing and sadness doesn't hit me like a wave anymore,
instead it just consumes me slowly,
knowing that i'll let it happen.
it eats at me like dripping water on paper,
slowly but surely.
i miss you.

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i saw you from across the room and tilted my head.
you were talking with a friend.
i wondered about what.
just a small glance towards me would make me panic so thank you for not noticing me.

i waited for That moment.
That moment where you realize your worth,
your purpose.
the morning sun creeped its way through my curtains,
reminding me that i spent yet another day biting my nails in the anxious wait for That moment.
i fall asleep to train sounds,
i dream of going far, far away.
these sounds are the closest i'm going to get to That moment.
for today,
i realized that the last missing puzzle piece to the complicated one color puzzle that is named me,
is myself.
my soul,
my mind,
my sanity,
my lungs,
me.
i won't feel or understand That moment until i relive my whole life,
feel all the emotions from others and myself,
in my last breath.
i could hear the birds chirping and this flower path i'm walking on leads to light.
light,
it's beautiful and simple and
i'll see you there.

no matter how hard i prayed, i believe that you turned your cheek.
i feel betrayed and hurt that not even You would listen.
but you didn't.
instead i feel like i was talking to nothing but the ceiling,
to the empty.
you couldn't have just at least given me a sign that you were up there?
people speak so greatly of you yet i feel the most alone opening my heart to you.
please listen to me.
you've seen me begging on my knees,
listen to me, please.

talking to you,
i felt at a loss of words.
i was banging on the wall but my hands just...
won't.
i don't know how to talk to anyone anymore.
poems turn into writings and writings turn into novels and i don't know why.
my brain and hands feel mine but like they're not here.

and just like that, i became yours again.
i couldn't even remember your name or the color of your eyes
but i remember Love.
i remember our love.
if i close my eyes long enough, i can remember how your hands felt on the small of my back.
how you kept me warm and safe.
baby, i can't remember your name but i remember my heart skipping every time you spoke.
how i cried being held in your arms,
for they felt like nothing past or behind us mattered.
your embrace healed me and i became light in your chest.
i am forever yours.

i thought of how it's going to be my final year in high school,
senior year,
year 12,
fourth year in high school,
the final year.

and i begin to remember how every time you came home after school and cried on the porch outside.
i heard your cries from the living room.
i remember you telling me everything that happened,
good and bad,
mostly bad.

it made me afraid of high school.
it made me afraid of my senior year.
i don't really remember your smile during that year when it came to school.
i don't want to fill your shoes.
i'm already an anxious person already,
i don't want to be afraid of the year that scares me the most.

i wanted to say what i wanted to say to you.
i'm sorry.
you're mean to me and my own sibling shouldn't bring me death on a silver platter.
i'm sorry.
do you understand the effect your words have on me?
i'm sorry.
you made my mind up when i asked myself if i wanted to breathe anymore.

i'm sorry.

i thought that we invented the word forever,
the word infinite,
i was wrong.
the hand i used to reach out to is missing.
i wish you had enough respect for me to tell why you aren't here anymore.
the summer wind is reminding me of you and i can't help but feel my chest tighten.
it's like a train took you far away and you forgot to tell me.
i wish you'd tell me why you respond to me anymore,
why you can't bat an eye to me even when we're right next to each other.
did we outgrow each other?
did you realize that i could never be the person you wanted me to be?
did you get tired of me?

it's amazing how books can make you feel. i feel like i'm being suffocated by words,
how does that even happen?
even in this room filled with screams, it feels like nothing compared to reading the words,
'i love you".

i danced all night to songs that made my heart feel young again.
seeing the sun go up as i cried tears of pure happiness.
i like being alone like this sometimes,
i can see myself alive when i'm alone like this.
hearing their voices sing,
hearing the instruments made my knees feel like jelly.
i danced all night,
heart filled with euphoria.

we talked and we talked.
my phone laid on my stomach,
waiting for it to buzz,
hoping that it'd be you who lit up my screen.
i felt like it was valentines day in elementary school again.
the butterflies in my stomach fluttered and hit the walls of my stomach every time i thought of you.
you kept calling me cute and i told you that my heart was yours.

i know with you, i don't have to act like anything.
i don't have to act like anything is wrong,
like anything is okay.
we just Be around each other.
i never knew what just simply existing was until i met you.
you remind me of breezes that surround me when i lay on a park bench,
so gentle and comforting.
the butterflies in my stomach landed on your shoulders and you helped me understand what Everything was.

i couldn't stop thinking about you.
i'd give you my pencil over and over,
knowing i'd have to ask one from someone else.
i ripped out pages from my notebooks,
i hate doing that for anyone else.
at the store i'd call you,
asking if you like these cookies or this drink only to "surprise" you with it the next day.
i'd gather up the courage for a date.
spending hours looking at myself in the mirror,
"this outfit is wrong!
why is my hair looking like this?
will she look me in the eyes?
will my heart be able to take it?"
i'd run to the ends of the world for you.
say the word
and i'll stay by your side for as long as you want me to.

everyone keeps telling me if i talk about it then i'll feel better,
but it's not working,
nothing feels like it's working.
my eyes feel glazed over and looking at my friends makes me want to cry.
i'm coming to see you now,
please open the door.

my name is moon.
i can feel and smell colors.
i miss the love of my life,
my soulmate.
people listen to me like they listen to late night cable channels selling over expensive jewelry.
i love the stars and i love it when the sky is a milky blue.

my name is moon.
sadness fills my heart and soul,
woven into the stitching that people call "skin".

my name is moon,
luna,
달,
lua,
mahina.
and i write from my heart and soul.

looking at you,
i felt so distant.
i will never feel as close to anyone as close as i felt to her,
and i'm okay with that because what we had was something that i've never seen,
not even in the movies.
it's starting to feel like you were never here.
the one that kept everything together.
i'm addicted to the sadness.
it seems like all i can write about is you,
i'm starting to forget the color of your eyes,
how warm your hands were,
the sound of your voice.
going back to you now would make me seem like a fool and my pride seems to not back down so until then,
until i give in,
i miss you.
i'm sorry i'm not as interesting or energetic as i was two years ago or on my good days that i have sometimes.
things just don't feel right but without you both
i have no one.
i will be no one.
no matter how many times you'll tell me i matter or that you love me,
i can't see it,
i can't feel it.

i kept telling myself,
"moon, don't eat your feelings.
you're sad,
let yourself be sad."
but there's something in handfuls of cereal,
ignoring the healthy servings of cookies,
bowl after bowl of ice cream that numbs my heart to the point where i feel like it's not beating anymore.
there's something about chewing and feeling food go down my throat that feels comforting.
i know it won't fix anything
and i know that i'll hate myself after my 5th cookie,
i know all this.
but i can't help it.

it was just an indescribable feeling really. loving you, falling in love with you. it felt like warmth.

my heart beat so loudly yet with ease around you. my cheeks feel pink and all i can focus on is light in your eyes when you talk about the most simple things. roasted dandelion tea, your dog, the way the leaves fall from trees in autumn and how you feel yourself move with the wind.

i can't count how many times i've looked at you and just thought "i love you" without verbally saying it.

i love you.
i love you.
i love you.

i remember leaving my aunts house,
another saturday barbecue they always had.
the cold winter air hitting my face and as my family and i walked to our car i already missed tonight.
i remember seeing fireflies and hearing frogs croak in the forest near their house.
smiling to myself,
i wanted to be like this forever.
but it's not anymore.
i haven't seen my aunt in months
nor my cousins
nor
my mom.
i didn't know time went by that fast until my birthday caught up with me again.
i haven't seen a firefly since the separation and it makes me feel like if those saturdays were ever real.

the dirt on my palms and knees got harder to wash off,
the skin under it turned red from scrubbing.
my arms ached and it hurt to stand up straight.
i say it all the time but
i wish i could have a hug.
on the hardest days,
the days where i'd walk home crying,
it would be nice to have a shoulder to cry on,
someone to hold me.

the sky is melting and all i could see was your face.
your hands cusped my cheeks,
your eyes are mesmerizing..
the world around us didn't matter anymore for right now,
i believe i was meant to live solely for these moments i'm having with you.
these are the best days of my life.
how can someone have that much an impact on someone that they literally feel like the world was created for them?
this,
us,
was meant to happen.
out of all the ******* i've been through and every night i spent trying to fix myself,
was for these moments with you.
the warm feeling in my chest makes me want this to never end.

i closed my eyes and just listened to your voice.
my head created a white room where there was nothing,
no worries,
no weight of the world.
i opened my heart once again and let your voice, your light, in.
how can someone be so beautiful?
i opened my eyes and looked at you,
really looked at you.
the acne scars above your cheek,
your long eyelashes that i would spend my days counting,
the way the tip of your nose does that thing that i can't describe but it's beautiful,
you are everything,
you are beautiful.

i played the keys in the sky in hopes you would hear me.
i laid out notecards of things that would make you proud of me,
all in order,
all for you.
your voice will always sound like the sun,
whether it be on the hottest day in texas
or it be on a beautiful autumn day.
i know that since your presence in my dreams is gone now too,
you're finally up there.
all light and peace and happiness,
living without fear or anxiety
or sadness.
just visit now and then okay?
do you promise to change streetlights that aqua pearl color again?
do you promise to make yourself near enough to feel your energy as a hug when we need it?
i read in books that it's really nice up there.
let my little brother hold your hand,
let my grandmother make you food.
please be happy up there.

moon,

i know what you're thinking all the time and please slow down.
the world feels like it's crashing and i don't know what to tell you except that this will pass too.
i want to tell you to just think of the smell of mom,
those random saturday mornings where you'd wake up to breakfast with your family.
but i can't because i know that thaf won't make your heart full.
and i'm sorry.
for i know i contribute to these bad thoughts.
we will be okay.
i don't know that for sure.
and i know you think or know that this, you, ends in death and maybe it will but
it's okay even if that's the case.
slow down, breathe.

sincerely,

me

i didn't want her to hold me
because i knew what it meant.
she saw me crying and she wanted to hold me,
i couldn't wrap my arms around her.
by her embrace,
i knew it meant that she saw me falling apart and she was trying to hold me together,
to make feel better.
but i felt nothing but this ocean of sadness.
i didn't want her to hold me,
i wanted to tell her to let go but i couldn't even open my mouth.
i am far beyond repair.
i couldn't feel her touch.
oh how badly i wanted to breakdown in her arms,
fall down from my shaky knees,
and
cry.
oh how badly i just wanted to cry.
but i didn't.
i walked until she let go of me.
as we were about to part ways,
i looked up at her
with tear filled eyes and said goodbye.

i could see the yellow tint of the monday morning peep through ruffles of clouds.
turning the other way,
in a distance the sky turned into a 8 foot deep pool.

just another one of Those writings, not a poem.

it always happens. i don't know what it is but, i hide myself over and over again. (i forgot the word for shutting yourself out) but i do that to myself, without even noticing. one day i'm talking to my friends, and being okay. and by the next day, i'm alone. i haven't talked to them in a while, maybe one word replies about things we don't really care about. we're just making conversation because we're friends, right?

so now, right now, i feel alone. it's hitting me again that i did that Thing. sometimes my friends and i just send each other posts on social media  about funny things and i've been trying to find posts that i could send them so i could feel close to them again. but i can't find anything. there came a point, where i just stopped trying to find something.

i miss my friends and i feel alone but i know i do it to myself. i don't know how to fix this.

my eyes ached watching the sun rise.
my coffee had gone cold in between thoughts that seemed to have a four hour lecture each.
i witnessed the sky paint once again,
it was like seeing those people in california streets make art.
making faces out of clay,
using watercolor to write your name and making a dolphin swim through the letters,
guitars hooked to amps playing the most perfect soundtrack of That night you'll never forget no matter how insignificant it was.
that's what the sky was doing.
the sun greeted me with a variety of colors,
all turning into each other and leaving then staying one.
slowly closing my eyes,
leaning on my arms,
only to repeat over and over again.

there must have been something we missed.
did we take the wrong road?
was it fate that we grew apart or were we never meant for each other?
the pain and happiness that eventually blended in together while we were One felt far from comfort but it was something we had.
it was familiar and i think we had our own comfort in that alone.
the red string we believed was between us was nothing but a hand tied rope around our waists.
we molded ourselves into each others __.
there was nothing wrong.
wrong timing.
wrong everything.
we were the right people but we haven't grown enough.
we were still sad teenagers who cried at each others sadness.
we haven't seen the beauty of life yet and because of that,
we grew apart.

there's something about crying with someone.
both parties alone together sharing tears of pain or joy,
sharing the crusted and bottled emotions inside us.

thank you for being there when i couldn't hold it in anymore.
thank you for letting me hold you when your heart wasn't in good condition.

and they keep asking
"when? you say you need time but until when?"
time is all i can say now.
my hands shake and walking feels like a maze.
under the sea,
it's shining and bright,
and that's the most confusing part.
i just need time for something,
anything.
i need time to convince myself and pull an okay
version of myself out of my closet.
anything for you,
anything to make you feel like the friend you have
isn't lost,
i'm right here.
i wish i could tell you when.
as if my soul returning would be a deadline.
"i'll be back in time for your birthday,
i promise."

- moon

there was no other way to say it.
i'm merely just another blade of grass.
i was once told that i'm a background character in my own life,
since then i haven't really spoken the same,
since then i haven't really breathed the same.
i know it's the truth
and i know i do it to myself,
for my hobbies include trying to disappear and trying to mold myself into someone else.
there are times where i question if i was ever happy at all.
this growing sadness surrounds me and leaves me with dark circles and unwanted, racing thoughts.

you made me look in the mirror,
and i mean Really look at it,
look at myself and everything that was behind me.
you helped me let of my past self's hand.
helped me write a farewell letter and lit the match that set it on fire.
you also made me cry.
it felt like the world was crashing and for months i was planning on my last breath.
but i made it.
i'm learning to let go and learn and love all over again.
thank you.
i forgive you.
i forgive myself.

it was such a beautiful thing really.
i saw light when my angel and spirit told me the truth.
it was horrible and lovely at the same time and i still don't understand how okay i was throughout the whole thing.
i felt this overwhelmingly amount of clarity and acceptance.
i felt seen and heard.
the light that i saw was a light i was told i wasn't ready for until i was,
and there, i was.
i was okay, it was all okay,
i'm okay.
there was no more hurt in that moment, i can't describe it.
i felt grounded yet in the air and i felt held by every moment of happiness and stillness i've ever felt.
it was so beautiful and i felt my heart heal and the scars that were everywhere were fading,
actually fading.

this was the endless cycle and the reason i am alone.

i remember you calling me beautiful,
i couldn't look at you.
you liked me,
actually liked me.
that's what scared me the most.
you wanted to hold me and i wanted to kiss you and hold your hand.
my stomach turned into a butterfly garden as the thought of you loving me kept me up at night.
i couldn't do it anymore.

it was almost a year.
longest relationship i had without feeling uneasy about holding hands.
it was one day in art,
painting a landscape for you.
it felt wrong.
it felt all wrong.
i couldn't do it anymore.

the fear caught up with me constantly.
i closed my eyes and forced myself to believe  that the love given to me was built on guilt and lies.

every night i died i saw a new flower in my backyard.
my mind is wired to think that i am no one.
and it's true.
this world is too big,
too big to be living the way i am.
one day i'll be a star in the sky and i'll help make the flowers bloom and i'll sweep away the sadness from your eyes.
every night i saw the colors change from black,
to blue,
to whatever he paints the sky that morning.
the heavy feeling in my eyelids was another reason to stay in bed longer.
i lost myself in the sheets,
trying to run away from myself,
trying harder and harder to wake up as someone else or something else.

hold me.
i'll hold you too.
we can sit down and just talk,
about everything.
all the things that's bothering us and all the things we want to do or couldn't.
lets paint the future and make sure we're Both there to see it.

tomorrow,
i've been waiting for this day for months,
for years.
and it's here.
all the hurt and pain has left my body and for this day,
for tomorrow,
it'll be like it was never here.
love and happiness has filled my veins and my inch of my soul.
tomorrow,
wait for me.

yesterday afternoon,
i closed my eyes for a long time.
it was silent and my head was busy,
it felt tiring looking at things,
so i closed my eyes.
in silence,
i went to the farthest place i could go.

it was all okay.
i closed my eyes,
talked to the brightest star and told myself it was all okay.

it has to be.

even though we aren't in each others lives anymore,
i will forever love you.
years after our departure,
i spent regretting and contemplating going back to you.
but i'm happy i didn't.
i'm happy that i let you go.
i remember feeling like a balloon floating into the sky on that day.
whenever i see plants at the store, i'll feel the corners of my lips twitch,
knowing and still remembering how much you loved them.
there are still times and i think there will always be times where i'll want to go back to you,
where i want you to hold me and tell me that it'll be okay.
but that can't happen.
too much has happened and we've out grown each other.
because that's what it was,
we outgrew each other.

i write about our love sometimes.
how i'll never get over the way your eyes are filled with stars when you smile.
or the way your cheeks turn the most beautiful red when we held hands.
i could write about your obsession with the rings on your fingers and how,
no, they didn't have a story,
they were purely for admiration.
i write about our love.
impacting my heart in such strengths that i can only describe as electric and stars exploding and being made again.
but we aren't good for each other,
that was the hardest conversation i've ever had,
telling you that we couldn't in each other's lives.
the darkest days hung over me like wet clothes.
everything kept piling on.
your words knocked me down when i tried to pick us Both back up,
wanting me to stay underwater with you,
"we have each other.".
i can't forget the look in your eyes when i told you good bye.
i write about our love sometimes,
most of the time i don't feel anything anymore.

sometimes the sky can seem overwhelming to me.
sometimes looking at it,
this big, great feeling washes over me and makes me feel still.
for this short while i feel my eyes and my mind make me relive everything that's been worrying me.
looking at the color changing sky,
i get the feeling of wanting to cry.
because worry and sadness and misfortune is woven into my existence,
it's a part of me that can't be erased and it's a part of me that no matter how hard i try i attract these negative things.
oh how i envy how i'm here and the sky is up there.
i want to chase it in hopes that one day i'll become a part of it.

i sat here realizing where the time went.
i feel like just yesterday i was in my mother's arms.
it feels so cold now.
under the rain,
it drowned out my thoughts but it made my heart heavier.
i spent the time now wondering how i ended up feeling so alone.
the concept of time seemed to go over my head as i silently watched the years go by like a movie.
i was speechless.
i was paralyzed.

growing hurts sometimes.
i want you by my side but you can't be here.
you aren't good for me and that hurts too.

i would like there to be flowers and trees.
i would like to see my best friend again and my grandmother and everyone who's made me smile.
i'd like to lay on the flowers forever.

these tears in my eyes seem to never dry
and no dad,
i don't want anything for my birthday.
i don't know if i'll be here to blow out the candles.

reading a children's book about finding the happiness in the small things made me cry.
because i'm trying to find That happiness.
i know it's there but i can't see it anymore.
the light from my eyes feels like it's been taken away and i'm wondering more and more if this life is worth living.