my heart is so big
      because it was already broken
long ago,
      before I even knew what a whole heart could be.


                                   - thanks, dad

The world shakes
every time
you kiss me

Our earth quaking love
send shivers down
the spines of those
who do not
understand
us

the look you gave me
when we first met
it was like you
knew me more
than anyone I've
ever known.
you looked at me
you looked at my soul,
not my face,
not my body,
not my beauty.
you looked at me
& who I am
deep inside.
you understood me
from the minute our eyes
collided
my presence was all you wanted
you ached for me
i set my heart on you

You move me,
the way the weather,
moves the earth.
Pushing me,
pulling me,
until you're calm.
And then,
the world is okay.

Reflecting on my life
I have made too many mistakes,
but mistakes are the most fun
without them
we wouldn't know who we are.
We do things to see if we want to so it again.
We **** up.
We heal.
We **** up some more.
We heal ourselves
& we heal others.
Life goes on,
despite all that we face.
Though I may not be innocent,
I am honest
I am true
& I will not be condemned for my mistakes.
Who gets to say your mistakes are better than mine?

I am sick and tired
of hearing sorry
for the same ****

you already know
how everyone else
broke me

& I thought you were different
but you were lying about the same ****

& you thought  I needed another crack
in my already ruptured heart
that only you could give

the fragments
you helped me pick back up
are now shattered even more

at some point
we all break

but how many times
until I can't pick myself back up again?

life is never fair;
why is it that
the good die young
& the bad live freely?

that's why people give up,
why people break down.
nothing they do is good enough,
why people end their life too soon.

the irony is
that the good
will continue to die young
because their whole life
they've been told
they aren't good enough
or worse,
they are 'too much'

too sensitive,
too quiet,
too observant,
too introverted,
too curious,
too independent,
too careful,
too blunt,
too caring,
too honest,
too, too much.

but really,

they are too little of everything you are too much of.

Where I stand
I hold no one's hand

                                                           but I am not alone
                                                           ­I feel you all around

             your spirit guides me
             & teaches me the way

You'll never understand my type of crazy
the way I understand yours.
You can't see me
the way I see you.
I see grace in every move you make
the pain in every smile
the passion in your eyes
the way you see her...

                                             is never the way you'll see me.

It's a crazy thing,
what happens
when all the red flags
you've tossed at me
stab my back
when I'm least expecting it

do you ever think
   the universe is too big
for you & me?
vast amounts of space
& only one Earth.
one green & blue place full of
life & love

        there's endless places in the galaxies

I hope you know
I think of you
every single day.
More than I want to,
more than I aim to.
It's honestly ridiculous
I have tried so much
I've been more than conspicuous
thrown you all the signs,
but here we go with the mindlessness.
You act like you can't see,
that you are
who I want
& who I need.

It's not that he doesn't want you,
it's that he wants you
& her
& her.
There's not much you can do to change
a promiscuous man's heart
so please,
do not try to fix them.
They will not listen
until they know who they want,
it may not be you
& they may never settle.
This is all okay.
This is life.
You can fight
with all your might
& he will still
walk away.
That is not your fault.
You will be okay,
& one day your love
will be appreciated & reciprocated.

It feels like
you abandoned me
& you robbed me
of my spirit.

They tell me all the time
he's no good for you,
you deserve better than him.
So why is it
so hard
to give up on him
like I give up on
so many other people.
I can walk away,
he's just a boy.
A person who was meant to be a page instead of a book.
But why can't I forget about him?
He floats in and out of my mind
like someone who waits
and waits for you.
He's just always there.

So maybe he's a whole book to me,
& I am but a sentence in his.
Not all people are blessed
to open up & see
the art I have to offer.

Never trust anyone,
best advice I've ever been given.
But do I listen?
I know I can't trust a soul
but yet around I go,
letting people break down my walls
when they have no intention of helping me
build it back up
if it ever comes crashing down.

I can feel the bricks I let you pick
away from my shield
tumble down
around me now.
It takes my breath away,
with each stone that hits me
bruising my already battered heart.

Now, I am under rubble
stuck under my own broken walls
I built to protect myself
from men like you.

And here I know,
I have to start over.
Am I able to build my wall high enough
to keep out the next one who tries to steal my heart
& heal myself from all the wounds
I've caused myself from letting the wrong ones in?

this is not the time
                                  or the place,
                                                          ­but, **** happens anyway.

when you're a victim
it feels like
everyone is against you.
     the questions
        the assumptions
           the chatter
             the looks
                the hate

                                                -is it even worth it?

follow where your path may go.
everything happens for a reason,
your soul will lead you
where you need to be,
so steady on for the journey.