The other night
I spent all of my tears & paid all my prayers,
I had hoped it would end it all.

My pillows
cashed in the huge streaming check
from every drop my eyes spilled.
My blanket held me down
while both thought took turns
throwing hard punches & kicks
at every square-inch on my body.

Then
my bones crunched
with every attempt
to fully drain the hope-
-ful air in my lungs.
I could only lay there.
Twitching out breathless cries,
rubbing blood out of my eyes
& taking it all in for the whole night.

The following day
I brought these thugs to work  
but no one else seemed to notice.
My doctor tried to numb me with pills,
& I must admit
although they did work at giving it all the cold shoulder,
it didn't take long
before I struggled to use my shoulder
With their knives & spears steaked into my skin.

Every night now, I sleep to their stories
& their bullying,
eyes-wide,
cut-throat,
focused on breathing all night.
I thought I could fake my way through it all
but now
these noices have started making sense
& I
don't know why I'm breathing anymore.

Please don't think I freaked out or ran

I want you to know that there has been fire in my lungs
Since the last time I tried to love,
That the universe of your presence
Presents me with constant constellations
When your eyes spark
& That gravitational pull, you have me wrapped on
Your laugh, which you hate to hear.

I want you to know that
These heated flames cease present in the essence of your presence.
There is no air I breathe when you are near
For darling
Your hairs are galaxies
& My fingers are but comets & meteors
Traveling through this cool journey without destination.

I want you to know
That this song in your chest will always be my favourite rhythm,
With it's low-end cut synthesized *****
That puts the wind at your mercy
& leaves tastes of your lips like Hershey's

I want you to know
I have never felt more free
than when I'm in your constriction
& I will love you in every language.

How am I
To Confess
The increasing feeling in my breath
Plus
The beating of my chest
When I am with you
Sleeping,
Eating,
Watching & dreaming.

How am I to admit
My conscious of a thousand souls all talking at once,
Of you & I & love & feelings.
These voices overpowering, I'm sure you've noticed my nose flare
& all because I want to tell
Of how I want to love you
& how I'm just so scared.

Ch:
I'm ghost
Slow, we'll fall again
To cope,
I hope you call my name

I'm ghost
Slow, we'll fall again
To cope,
I'm throwing me away

V1
Let's take time
To sort our lives so we can grow
You'll be fine
I'm just not alright, & I hope you know

Please give me time
To heal the times I hid my pain
Fleeting life
I don't want to try & it's such a shame
- But I don't want to die when you call my name

Dear Mental,
You're hurting me
& I can't take the 3rd degree
burns much longer.
Please don't ponder more guilt
This tilt you've made up
is hard enough to flip off
& you make me never want to wake up!

I'm tired & you know
& if it's demons in my head
chasing for a new home
you won't like my mental throne
too prone to failure
& if you won't go
just
Shut The **** Up
& Leave Me Alone!

Regrettably Yours
Fake Optimist

Dear Mental,
I understand, you hate me
So know the feeling is mutual
Because when I wish for you to silence
Your ideas become delusional.
******* & your intrusions
The truth is
Suicide is your illusion
So spare me the confusion
Since every conclusion you reach
Treats me like a nuisance...

Mum says: "At the end of the day, everybody is responsible for their own happiness."

So I'm just choosing to suffer?
...
...great.

I have started smoking
to quit You...

"Anything" we said
For you,
"Anything"
& in undying infatuation
I hold my word

However
Your promised "Anythings" turn to "nothings" lately
Your kisses, rushed to end
Your talks, short & everywhere
What ever happened to anywhere?
Perhaps I am overthinking!
I'm aware they often tend to take what's good for me & make it out bad

These Thoughts.

But aren't you the one that wanted one?
My carnal mind,
Locked up for fear of repeating past sins
I hid this side for a reason.
You told me you wanted this freed
Well now, darling, he tortures me with "anything"
& I can't seem
To tame this wild beast, see?
With more of my love ever-growing,
He wants you.
So why did you want him free
Muddling up my mind with unsweet "anythings". Was I
Reefing him out of my darkest seas
So he can blame you while he crushes me?

I never liked this side
But I give you "Anything"
& I always figured I'd give you my pain
I guess I also partly assumed you'd notice it.
Unreciprocated? Over-thought? Or am I simply going insane?

I heave them: Silence
But unlike the others
He does not work at hurting me through me,
Through things that I have done & have let made me. No.
He, villainous,
Hurts me through you
What you don't do.

Well unlike him, I am very patient for you darling
So I will leave him free for your pleasure.
Yet, in the meantime, I have to ask of you this. Please.
Because now, be that as it may be temporary,
our infections have to slumber in separate rooms
& textbooks conclude we meet on separate moons
So darling, will you talk to me soon?
Before he brings my fear come true
& finds a way for me, to use
to lose you.

They say be still child
For every drop of love you hold concealed within your heart will
Eventually
Find their oceans.

But ribs are cages

They say when we are young,
The wilderness in our chest will seem untameable at first but will
Eventually
Find its Peace.

Some too fearful to permit further damage to these wild hearts behind ribbed cages pose tranquility
In Romeo’s potions,
Inevitably finding numbness.

Yet strangely enough no matter how much light one sheds on the shadows,
“The world is a dark place” always

Then perhaps this concept of being still
much like procrastination
Is only to calm the seas for a moment

While the moon escapes...

To love the sun...

Eventually...
No More.

I stare at the moon,
But it don’t tell me what to do.
I glare at the stars of the night,
But all they do is flash in my eyes.
I wish to touch the clouds,
I wonder would they make a sound.
Because lately my nights have been regular,
Just myself & whatever else lies out in Nebula.

I stand on your doom,
I still don’t know what to do.
My Heart vs My Mind, like planets,
They're pulling me away from you.
My single mistake seems to have altered the course of our love & in breaking my heart, it has given yours the freedom I promised you many moons ago.

So I stare at the moon,
But it don’t tell me what to do.
Slumber into my bed,
Resting a battle between my chest & my head.
A star will soon
Come crashing into my room,
& if this conflict, like a planet,
Pulls me away from Ruth.
I’ll still remember you.

To be honest
I was playing the guitar for you the whole time


but

I knew you had a thing with this dude
& he seems cool.


So I was just gonna keep playing this guitar song until my guitar broke...
M

Temptation crawls into my thoughts,
Like a micro- bug,
Planting seeds of inception

& suddenly these wants are birthed.

First,
I kind of wanted to get drunk
&
I kind of wanted to message you.
Now
I want to hold you so tight
the walls between my chest, lungs & heart could break.
I want you to set free these wild creatures behind rib cages,
I can not tame them but, like whales, they sing for you.

However
While in my heart I feel that I should,
in my head I know that I shouldn’t.

So tonight
    I’ll sleep
& awake with regret.

The sad part is
Not that I’ll be regretful
for ever contemplating
these forbidden thoughts

But knowing that I did not perform them.

M

Last night
After I kissed you for ten minutes
I pressed my lips on a block of ice
For twenty

So the numbing effect that followed would preserve that moment
When your lips entwined with mine
And everything was right

Before I awoke
To fetch ice