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Nala Alfira Sep 2020
i don't hate you
i fear you
and you make me stay by
teaching me that
to love is to fear and
to fear is to love
Nala Alfira Sep 2020
i've invited her to
a dark place which
is called my mind and
she stayed with me

i've taken her to
a rushing river which
is called my tears and
she swam in deep

i've walked her through
an eggshells path which
is called my traumas and
she held me tight

i don't even feel like
i need to make her stay
cause she will
this level of trust is... rare
Nala Alfira Oct 2020
you were right in front of me
but i missed you so bad
like you're not there

you only wanted to be loved
why can't i give it
why can't we
to each other
i'm sorry, i
didn't love you enough
Nala Alfira Apr 2020
we're alike, in many features, they said
but only the two of us understood that
we're standing in different bergs of ice

we enjoy paddling closer to each other
but sometimes the ice water feels so cold

and seeing other stops
weakens another

in the end
we both frozen

and it hurts
this friend taught me that the "break-up" i most feared is actually bearable. thank you, friend.
Nala Alfira Oct 2021
sometimes i don't want you
to be kind to everyone
to adapt to adjust
to like everything

you're as lovely as a doll
as plain as a canvas
don't let people paint
anything the want on you

when you asked
"what do you want?"
your heart doesn't answer anymore
you've silenced it for too long

be honest with me
let the tears out
take off your mask
you can rest now
Nala Alfira Sep 2021
you build me a castle
but you give me no room
to be myself
to feel myself
Nala Alfira Apr 2022
sometimes it's not the money
but the way it was taken

sometimes it's not the bruises
but the memory

sometimes it's not the wording
but the meaning

sometimes it's not the action
but the intention
and the implication
that hurts
Nala Alfira Aug 2021
i'm here
i can heal you
and when you're happy
come back to me

don't go around
and get your heart
broken all over again
remember me
Nala Alfira Jul 2021
you didn’t notice that i’m fading
you have your family
i don’t have mine
you were
for you who are alone in this pandemic, we're in this together
Nala Alfira Oct 2021
what you need to ignore
is the people who hurt you
not the pain they've caused
Nala Alfira Oct 2020
my chest's burning like
i'm ready to slam my phone
and i'm just so sick of

adjusting my feelings
revising my words
setting up my smiles

to keep everyone happy
avoid another contrariety
runaway from the reality

a baby born crying then
you forced her to laugh
i recently realized this is not healthy
Nala Alfira Apr 2020
i don’t know whether
you were extremely cruel
or an unordinary fool

because we both
jumped to the cliff
but mine was unfairly
much deeper and darker

i used to worship you
surrender all i have too
but you left those roses
withered in dirt

you used to torn me into pieces
shatter my todays, my tomorrows
now you’re nowhere of my sight
turned into dirt
Nala Alfira Oct 2020
rain at night
war of thunder
i'm soaked and scared
wait for me, father

but he didn't stay
and i had dead

purple flowers
on top of a mountain
he pointed at them
i hiked
thorns in bare hand

but he didn't stay
and i had dead

i'll be a king if he wants me to
and i'll be a corpse if he wants me to
i did
and i can keep doing it

and he still didn't stay
but i'm alive
childhood neglect
Nala Alfira Oct 2020
why do we born
to be weak
to be owned
to recover alone

why do we taught
not to say no
not to be heard
not to be complete
Nala Alfira Jul 2021
they always talk,
but can't listen.
it's okay.
i'll listen to your stories,
every detail of them.

when i look at the mirror,
i always think you're pretty.
so don't compare yourself with others
and just focus on us.

you were always so selfless.
but honestly,
among other people,
i love you the most.

i would fight fiercely
yet wait patiently
for you.
so please, accept me.
love yourself.
Nala Alfira May 2022
it's such a wonder that
these hardness and roughness
make me softer and gentler

after i fathom the devil's story
the downstream is a sea of mercy
wisdom unravels the impurity

and someday when you laid down, wrinkled
i'll say no curse, but apology
and pacifying eulogy

for i hope you'll land on grass too, not fire
and we left with amnesia of the bad blood
only peace and party in our eternal world
Nala Alfira Feb 2022
the light ripped the darkness apart
and in that daybreak i see my future

things i nurture will be taken away
dreams i want will never come true
people i love, i'll need to let go
pain i suffer, i'll have to endure

i'll lose it all,
but i'll be fine
as long as i remember you,
i'm complete
about coping with recurring traumatic life events
Nala Alfira Dec 2021
it's beyond your control
why cry over it?

it's not yours
why claim to own it?

'no' is just a result of two random possibilities
take it, leave it, grow out of it
one-sided friendship hurts me more than the romantic ones
Nala Alfira May 2022
can you be brave enough
to acknowledge that it was just
a fateful unfortune

can you be strong enough
to accept and let go of
what's been taken from you

can you be merciful enough
to see your monstrous form
and shower her with love

you can endure anything
if you let yourself to
what to do when you revisit your traumatic memory
Nala Alfira Sep 2021
i can only collect clues
my hypothesis is i have no chance with you
so i withdrew
but i hope it doesn't feel okay for you
i hope deep down you desired me too
i hope you're hurt when i called you "friend" because it hurts me
Nala Alfira Nov 2021
am i a trophy
am i a crown
am i a flower
in your bouquet
do i shine
like a gold
in your eyes
you make me feel like a lifeless object
Nala Alfira Sep 2021
a lot of things happened in the past
and you have fought well
so whatever the future is going to be
you are a winner
Nala Alfira Aug 2021
even when i know the answer
it's still hurt the most
even when i'm an adult now
it never really healed

maybe it's just how life is
what comes will go
maybe it's just better for me
to stop asking why

— The End —