you see those numbers
big and ugly, on crumpled paper
and you feel them on your skin
like a stain on yourself, on
who you are, who you'll ever be

shame

it wraps its hot hands around you
its whispers harsh and sharp
in your ear:
"stupid. stupid. stupid"
your new heart beat, pumping
hot blood around your body
burning you on the inside
and you scream,
desperately wanting
to come out and be
someone else, someone smart
someone that just isn't you

you failed. this is it. you're done.
they were right about you.
you're just a stupid, ugly,
worthless. hopeless...

....Beautiful, brilliant
wonderful girl.
Your daughter looks away,
burning with embarrassment.
"You'll do well", you say,
"Just try your best.
And even if you don't
do as well as you'd like,
you'll still be my smart little girl"
"Thank you" she says, and disappears again
into her room, to study
You sigh, hope, pray, beg
That she believed you

More than you ever believed yourself

Tuesday

It’s 2 pm, she guessed
curtains drawn, like a mask covering the
fresh, new, pretty face of the day, sunlight an enemy
the noise of birds breaking through the silk
she’s been half-sleeping since about 7 am
in and out, she dips herself into dreams
and their drowsy paint
drunk with the lethargy
thoughts running smooth like water
and crashing into each other like waves

the phone rings with sudden expectancy
her daughter again, she’s been calling since 9
it’s strange how her ring sounds different
from those of her friends
and the rest of her family
it’s more annoying, a bit louder
and it makes her a bit angry
she feels older than she is
too old to worry about herself
needing a million phone calls just to feel safe
pitied like a toddler
stumbling, using everything to pull herself
through the world
the preparation age
for the years she endured
she’s back to stage one, then?
maybe that’s why God decided
to put the full stop around 90.
So people wouldn’t have to relive
years of tumbling through the world
like a clumsy giant, even though you’re tinier
than you’d ever know, so small in this universe
you feel so young and powerful
your parents think you’re cute
then, later on, they wonder where they went wrong
and you tell them “in bed ”
and your dad slaps you
and you walk out the door
and you tumble, stumble, fumble
through people and places
and boys that never called back
and best friends that never existed
and jobs that paid to **** you dry
and weddings and funerals
and your mom crying in your arms
then you crying by yourself
after she’s gone
we’re all toddlers
each and every one of us
even those of us who got their heads ******* on tight
sometimes that light switch in your heart
doesn’t generate light in your head
and you can’t see to get through this dark world
sometimes you gotta cry
scream
bash your head against something
and cry harder because it hurts
then laugh like you’re crazy

you are crazy

just a crazy old lady
sitting in a dark room
crying as if something’s wrong
when you’re actually happy
happy, because you aren’t at the full stop
happy, because God’s still reading
happy, because your stupid daughter still loves you
after all the times you went wrong
happy because your parents forgave you
and you still have your best friend from 16
and you were employed when you retired
and you fell in love a million times
and you could fall in love a million times more

it’s about 3 pm
she feels like it’s been forever
she reaches over for that phone
a shaky finger swiping
30 missed calls
120 messages
“mom, im coming over”
“mom, answer the phone!”
“pls im worried”
“mom, answer”

a smile breaks her stiff skin
pale eyes watering to the bright light
illuminating the darkness
she sits alone with this digital candle
she knows she should be grateful
so many mothers are disowned
nine months, no,
20 years of pregnancy
their babies tight under their hearts
fed on blood and tears and sweat
only to abandon them
on the doorstep of some retirement ‘home’
aborted
forgotten

but she’s the one
under her daughter’s heart
God, she loves that girl

it’s.....she doesn’t know the time.
maybe centuries went by while she was in her room
thinking
someone’s knocking on the door
the phone’s ringing again
the birds are still singing
she smiles

“Coming!”

This is my sanctuary
a sylvan of serenity
(soothing my sanity)
my stellar solace of sanctity

my strange & soaring Fantasies
superior to Realities
(with all its sick Enormities)
I’d stay asleep for Eternities

Stray from society
with a sudden spontaneity  
To the sweet sensuality
Of a night’s serendipity

After sipping the wine of ******
Numb to the vigour of the liquor
I wandered drunk among the living
The moon watching with her deadened stare

I saw the black waters washing the pale
Grainy flesh of the beach
And wondered,oh, wandering  close
To the darkness, wondered
Then decided, with melancholy deeper
Than fear, walked forward
And yielded to the water’s seize

Over me(and within me), the days had washed
Dragged my remains along
And slipped, the gory water had
Into my garments and flesh and being
And splashing still within my soul
Like the pure blood of innocent hearts

Pumping sounds in eager necks
Warm to my caress, cold to my tongue

I awoke on the shore
And wept , as even the pitiless waves
With its vengeful force and vigour
Rejects me

Oh, true death, I have known life
To be nothing but watered-down death
Give me the strength of thy inevitability
And take my eternity

Thy bitter kiss
Is kiss nevertheless


Oh, true death, I implore thee not
In vain or melancholy
But, oh, desperation.

Murderer!Murderer!
The people have cried.
None cared for my own ******, my own death
A curse! A curse!
To live this life
While dead.

Slip out of your resplendence and  magnificence

and break yourself into my suffocating skin
walk around, feel the demon eyes
carving out your back
searching for your heart
to crunch it in their pretty teeth

look through these tired eyes
let them rest on everything you’ve never seen before
heavy darkness choking this illuminated world
you don’t know what to do
because you feel like the world’s just going to go on
dragging your carcass along

sleep walking while everyone’s dancing
on your body, on your grave
because they don’t know that you’re dead

you’re okay, don’t worry
tell everyone that because
you’re hiding nothing
you’re happy on the inside too

but you know no one’s okay
because the truth can’t help us
until you’re paying money
for people to just listen

you’re trying to break out
because you hate being me
tear off your mind and throw it away
you don’t care if you can’t find it later

watch them move and follow them
because they don’t like how you do it
they’re doing it the right way
walk in their line, wait for nothing
have their praises as appetizers
and gag at their curses like aftertaste

and you’re not them, not like them
but you’re just like them
because everyone cries when they’re alone
and no one’s ever okay unless they try hard
and force it into their souls

wanna throw myself away
so someone can come and fix me

because i broke myself trying
trying to transform into you
fitting squares into little round holes
and breaking the whole to make it hold it

you’re tired.
you’ve had enough.
push yourself out
slip back into your own skin
fit your own head back on

and you still won’t  know me.

Dawn breaks through clouds of black
To find our waters blue
Look up, my child, and feel the light
Blessed, shining on you

The tears of monsters up above
Grant our waters life eternal

The moon shall slumber in sheets of black
The stars shall giggle and sing
Quiet songs with dancing tunes
Like little happy kings

And you my dear, a princess true
Your own stars sing so beautifully
Let them shine when times are dim
And a light is needed to see
Your eyes alone are little suns
Your dawns too brilliant for me

And a million stars within your heart
Will burn under this sea

The shadow of light may seem darker
Than the worst of heartaches true
But there are linings in the clouds
And the shadow looks like you

So let your light shine like the star of our days
And may the moon rest

i was afraid
i don’t know why i was
it wasn’t like
i was going to die
with your gun
in my mouth

but you
you should be scared for your life

*** scented voice
slurring along my neck

i was afraid of you
God, i was so scared
even when you were gone
my soul wouldn’t come back

she was trembling in His arms
begging for everything she had already
because she wasn’t ready to lose it all

you were fearless
in front of me
i was just a pretty little girl

tv makes you look so cool
yielding your scythe like a gun
like a badge on your soul
so proud of it

ready to reap and ****
and crunch lives in your disgusting mouth
slurring along my neck
you weren’t even trembling

i wasn’t gonna die
you can’t **** me

but i can **** you
just pull your trigger
go ahead, feel free
and see who it shoots

you gave a command
to tie me up
save me for later

i slipped out
out your grasp

or did you slip
out of mine
out of His?

but you can’t get away
you’ll never get away
with it, with this
with everything you ever did

*are you scared?

From the darkness, thou departed
A crimson chasm of sorrow
Thy tears, a reflection
Of thy mother's misery

I was born with thee
My mother, light
My sorrow, pleasure
Yet, the sun shines on thee

Surely, thou can see
Me, though shrouded in darkness

No, not me
Thou
Can thou see thee
As well you cannot see me?

For though dark, though thine opposite
I was born in light
And light reveals me

But thou
'
The darkness is thy home

Yet, thou looks down on me
Indifference in thy stare
Thou used to fear me
Now I am hardly here

But I am here
Waiting
The light shall reveal me
But I am gone
When thy darkness comes

I t   i s  t o o  m u c h  f o r  m e

Cradled,
in the warm comfort of her love,
her baby smiles.

She smiles too
and something under her heart's stony grave
shifts.

Precious,
yet more priceless than her own life,
she'd sacrifice everything.

For this child
is now everything to her
eyes

"He looks like his daddy"
Those ugly words.
Symbols of a hated life.
Hated by her mother.
And her too.

She'll live it for her baby.
She'd go to hell for her baby.
She wants heaven for her baby.

"He looks like his daddy"
Ugly, ugly words.
Nothing but bitter, rotten,
lies.

Precious,
she smiles at the world in her hands,
in her arms,
She never had something so good before.
So ugly, like his daddy.

She turns from the eyes.
His eyes.
So harsh on her shivering, sweaty skin.
******* her to the bone.
That smile.
Drool dripping from the lips.
Of that chasm of knives
And lies.

"Yes, daddy loves you"

A dog on her body.
Invading her system.
Her skeleton tied.
To his bed.
And her life.

"He looks like his daddy".
His daddy, her daddy.
Her son, his son, her brother.
His mother, her mother, his life, her life, his smile his smile his smile.
His smile.
Not his smile.

Precious. Priceless. Her world. Her life.
Not him.
Never him.

She smiles.

The spark you said you saw
(Within me)
Is smothered, smudged and smeared
On your sheets
The sheer shadows are shaded
And I bleed
Bitter black, bleak
Ink

The spark you saw has swam
In their sea
Of sweet, swollen, stolen
Beauty
(Their art is all I hope mine to be)
Brave, Beautiful, Brilliant

Ink

If my spark could be
A raging flame
If my flame could be
Beautiful pain
You’d read my dread
And understand
The sparks (Infernos)
in my head

Sprouting from my hands