People pleasers
I am one
Always have been
It's a selfless
Yet selfish
Mind set
I only want others
To be happy
I want people
To be happy
But when will I
Realize..
I AM people
I deserve happiness

Not tonight I suppose..

The results of the MRI came back
Absolutely nothing
Again
We still don't know what's wrong with my knee
The blood test results came back
All were negative
We still don't now whats wrong with my stomach

Thousands of dollars just gone
If I hadn't been so weak
If I had just ****** it up and delt with the pain
I don't eat anyways.. So that takes care of my stomach
All I am is a financial burden to my parents
If I left things would be so much better
My mom wouldn't have to worry about whether I had eaten
She wouldn't have to worry about the pain
She wouldn't have to worry
It'd be gone
It would leave with me
I'd be gone
Gone like everything else.
Goodbye,
    I'm gone

I once read that one cannot gain cold
But that there can only be an absence of heat

This make sense to me since I'm always cold
But those around me can feel heat radiating from me

Maybe this is how emotions work as well,
There is no sadness- just absence of happiness

This proves that you can be so cold on the inside
Yet somehow be so warm and bright on the outside.

You can think of light this way.
There is no darkness- just absence of light.

It can also be said that
There is no hatred- just an absence of love.

I was careful, tip toeing around you
      careful not to step on a crack.
I figured you'd be the same, careful
      but something much better came with you.
You crashed into me like a tsunami
      flooding over and washing away everything.
Trying to break through the barrier
      with a stunning force.
I thought I had buillt myself up
      I thought I had become impenetrable
Thick thick walls, only tissue paper
      to you. You got through with terrifying ease.
You reached a level no one has on
      purpose before.
And now I realized, I let you.
      How did you go right through my defenses?
Bringing down that first wall,
      more following each time we talk.
Talk.. I've always hated talking.
      I could never do it in person, never.
Maybe with you I can.. probably not.
      my body wont' allow that. No. No.
I'll shut down. Clam up. Stutter my
      way into embarrassed silence.
But then again you've always excepted
      that part of me. That awful, awful part.
Although after fourteen years
      you've gotten me to talk more.
More than I ever have. You're special
      to me. you helped me.
You're perfect to me- even though
      you got through those walls.
Even though you broke the rules,
      maybe it was time, they were ancient.
A force-field broken by a special person
      The only, to ever proceed.


*You asked me to write a poem for you. I'm sorry it isn't very good, I hardly ever write with the intention of someone reading it.. But for you I broke a rule.

you said you were always going to be there
           but where are you now?
it's dark, and cold
     I am utterly alone drowning in this
         feeling of being
empty

When I was little I use to get sick a lot
I would sleep sitting up, or on the tile in the bathroom.
I would cry for my mom in the night as my stomach rids itself of the food I had eaten that day.

When I was little I use to stand in front of the mirror
I would turn from side to side, stand on my toes and **** in
I would cry to my mom, I thought I was fat. She told me I had a wide rib cage and I cried harder because that meant there was no hope.

When I was a little older I use to watch what I ate at lunch
I would sit with my boyfriend and his friends, I covered my mouth after each bite.
I would always be sure to leave food on my plate, and I never got sweets when I sat with them.
I would cry to myself- I thought for sure they were judging me by my plate

Now, I still stand in front of the mirror with tears streaming down my cheeks
I never eat breakfast or lunch, and I eat half my dinner.
I no longer cry for my mom when I rid myself of any food I have eaten-
instead I pray that she can't hear.

I drove towards your house the other day
I nearly turned into your street.. I was on auto pilot.

Just that day you had sent me a message and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee.
I think it's funny that you're the one in a relationship and yet I'm the one who said no.
You have no idea what it took for me to decline your offer.
But I had to protect you.. I wasn't going to let you ruin your relationship for a 16oz beverage that would burn our throats and start a ripple effect of pain.

Sisters are eternal best friends. They are suppose to love each other through thick and thin.

Sometimes a sister is the only person you feel like you can talk to.
Other times, shes the reason you can't talk to anyone.
They are suppose to be the person that you can trust most.
Sometimes they are the ones who take your ability to trust.
They're the only one that can make you laugh when you're ready to cry.
Or maybe they're the only ones that can make you cry.

It doesn't matter to me, what kind of sister you are. You could hate me- cut me off- not speak to me for years

But the second you need me- I'll be right there.
I'll always come back to you.

It was springtime, I remember this now.
We sat singing under the orange tree.
Some of the blossoms softly falling down.
We let them rest on our arms and faces.
The smell in the air as sweet as sugar.

Our reality frays at the seams.
Blending it with our perfect dreams.
Stars fall as we lie beneath our big sky,
from the big world. Time set in stone.
You can not erase time, so why wonder?

We sing of possibilities wasted.
Of times that we wish we could change.
Why should we wish on things that have been?
As we dream and wish, time pasts, flying by.
Our laughs run together with our tears.

Our voices grow tired. We sing softly.
The sweet citrus fills the air once more
we come and go to the smell this sweet scent.
Slowly we fall into a deep slumber.
The time comes when we can walk away.

I feel the Thunder inside me
Crashing around
I see the lighting in my eyes
It lights me on fire
But when will this storm destroy me?
Completely, it has done damage
I'm afraid that I could never be repaired
No one knows
But that's what makes a storm so deadly
Unpredictable, uncontrollable
There are earthquakes and floods that follow
The rain runs red and the earthquake calms
I pray that this storm will pass
It's been so long I don't remember a time before it
This is what frightens me the most

Firey hot
Burning through the crowds
Burning through the endless voices
Together we will burn though

Just barley red
Where you just touched me

White- where you lingered.
Bubbling up through desire

But perhaps.. This is the wrong kind
Is there such a thing?

I can't take a full breath in, it feels like there's a weight on my chest.
A cinder block, with our initials inside a heart, etched onto the side.

The formalities of the world
They tell us how long we have to know
Another person
For us to love them

It creates a complex.
What if that's why there is so much hate
In the world
People are afraid to love eachother
Simply because of time
Because of fear
Fear of being ridiculed
By those who stick to the formalities

Eyes of glass and body of stone
Your arms have become my home.

But I've never blushed easily
And your touch engines the blood beneath my cheeks so relentlessly.

They say to be like water
But I’ve always felt more like a pebble in the bed of the river

Soon I’ll just be sand

First we see the moon, we trust that it'll be there.
The stars follow after, in the hope of being claimed.
As we live out the darkness, the sun becomes our beacon of happiness.

What do you do?
When someone tells you that they don't love you anymore?

Sometimes I just feel really sad.
  
               And I don't know why.

Because at the end of the day
When the makeup washes off
You see the dark circles and red bumps
You see the ugliness that was badly hidden

Because at the end of the day
When I takes off the mask
You see the weak little girl within
The one I try so hard to control

Because at the end of the day
I lay in a small bed,
out numbered
By thoughts and the world.

And it's sad that someone who once held my heart

Now strikes fear into it

I need to get you off my mind.
Off my lips.
I can still taste your mouth
as if we just kissed.

I throw up until my head feels like it's not there but I can still taste your **** mouth.

Two broken people picking up the pieces
Trying to make each other whole with shards of their own glass
Attempting to make something beautiful
And daring to call it *love

Dark splotches on the walls of the tub..
How does it not scare you?
It's become the normal and that scares me.

But you are me.

At the mention of your name I am thrown into such sadness.

Memories hit me like a brick wall and I am flattened.

I forgot how intoxicating your smell is.

I forgot how beautiful you make me feel.

A sea of faces rages before me
Memories flashing across my vision- blindingly bright
I'm afraid I may never see past them again
Voices are thrown from all directions
yelling
screaming
crying
I can see myself in a tempered rage
Throwing things and yelling out
I'm not in my body anymore
I am a mere spectator- a wisp
a cloud
vulnerable to the world around me

You said you didn't want to lose me
That you wouldn't know what to do

But you certainly knew how to say
"I don't love you anymore" and you knew how to walk away.

Be careful what you say, Be careful what you do
Because what you do unto them will be done unto you.
It's not just a tear, it's not just a scratch. Because noone will see the loosening patch.
A smile, a laugh can't we just leave it at that?
A choke, a cry why did we have to say goodbye?
Drowning, bawling.. It felt like we were falling.
But we wait for the gain to come from our pain.
We wish, we miss.
When comes the bliss?

She lost her last shred of hope

And with that..

                                                   she  
                        gave
                                   ­                                                                       
up

and

fell

d
    o
        w
              n

It's odd, isn't it? How much you miss the feeling. You miss the rumble and the noises. The applause of your insides. Such a pain others avoid- yet here you am craving it once more.
Don't worry- It'll come.
Today was your last.
Tomorrow you're done.

My body that use to shake with laughter
            now shakes with fear.

I didn't use to double check to see if the doors were locked up tight at night.

But now I'm terrified that you'll come knocking when the alcohol kicks in.

No more are the sweet phone calls filled with slurred "I love you"s at 2am.

Angry words have become their replacement.

I never thought you could hurt me, but I couldn't have ever imagined that you could have cheated on me.

You were always so scary when you were mad. So quick to hit anything close.

I don't know what you're capable of anymore.

If life is a dream, then you are my nightmare.
And I can't. Wake. Up.

You have absolutely every reason to hate me right now.

But you still told me that you love me and that you're happy I'm by your side.

And if that is not true love, I don't know what is.

They say follow your dreams
And all I want is to go home
There is a problem, you see

I don't know where home is

So much hate surrounds us.
At school.
At work.
In the home.
Sometimes it even comes from strangers.

But sometimes it comes from inside.
It swallows your being.
Growing like a mold in your mind.
It takes over.
Consumes you.
Until one day
One day
You've had enough-