I wonder* if he thinks about me the way I think about him

I wonder if it was hard for him to leave me like it was hard for me to let him go
Does he stop what he's doing when our song starts playing or does he simply skips it onto the next?
Does he lie awake at 2am wondering what could have been?

How long did take for him to switch my nickname in his contacts to my first and last name?
How long did it take for him to tell his friends?

I ask all these questions but never get any answers.

I get a phone call.
It's two in the morning. His nickname pops up and our song is playing as the ringtone. My friends don't know.
& I'm constantly thinking about him.

I pick up.
He's drunk.
And I hear another girl's voice in the background.

your side of the bed lies unmade

wallet and keys lie scrambled on the coffee table

your ***** clothes lie scattered on the floor

your anxiety medicine bottle lies on your side stand

your scent graces the air while on the table lies an ashtray over powering it

dishes needing to clean lie in the kitchen sink

empty whiskey bottles lie on the kitchen counter

but one thing lies missing,
*you.

He's changed. You've changed. Everything is changing.
Your first love isn't always the last one
But it will leave you with a numbing pain inside you
You'll cover the pain with someone else
To the point you don't even realize it's even there
But you'll remember the night you cried your eyes out in the shower as the hot water pelted against your skin and when you got in your room, all you wanted to do was scratch the paint off your walls because they held the memories of every kiss, touch, and conversation between you and him
But it will change
Because that's what happened in the first place

You changed. He changed. It's different, and it will still be different ten years from now but the pain won't be.

I have nervous break downs at just the mere thought of you
oh how I ponder why that can be

You're complex, all the way down to your mix matched socks
The smell of you is like no other
it's not comfortable nor is it worthy to be romanticized
You smell like cigarettes and ******* hair dye

Your brown eyes are better than love-sappy blue eyes
which makes me want to write how a caramel set of eyes are better than clear oceans because it would be for all of the wrong reasons

Your letter doesn't do any justification to the anger in me
I can't romanticize you because suicide isn't love
it's not a trend
it's a deadly thing
but I ponder
if it's a deadly thing
why do I find myself still writing about you?
Poems are just as romanticize as suicide is but yet here's a thing about both

I'm shameless because I expose every little experience I have on a piece of paper

I have dreams of maybe one day being alright
and not having to settle with just being 'fine'.

My hand aches just as much as my heart does; working too much, or too fast

The qualities I have are like no other
because I'm indeed a writer

I swear he cares about me
or at least for me
in the most little sense possible
but it's good enough

I swear his golden heart loves me
or at least hopefully
He keeps a lot of names in that heart of his
Maybe my name has a tiny space in it
but it's good enough

I swear the lyrics he writes are about me
or at least I'm the background girl
who tries and fails to be the main chorus
but it's good enough for me

I swear I'm in love with him
but he doesn't show his feelings like he used to
It's good enough for me
because I know what it was like to be the good in his life
but now, there's another girl in my shoes
and it's good enough for me
because at least he's happy

3 rare things that are at your doorsteps

Love; People love you. Even if it may not seem like it. But you my friend, need to love yourself before you love anyone else. Fall in love with living and you'll have the key to everything

Happiness; Enjoy the little things.
Enjoy watching the sun rise with your cup of coffee
Enjoy the cool crisp sheets of your bed after a long day
Enjoy a stranger's smile
Enjoy handwritten smiles
Enjoy yourself

Beauty; Life is beauty. Beauty is life.
Don't focus on the big picture, notice the things inside of you
Notice the butterflies in your stomach, don't ignore them
Notice your unwanted dimple and the dark freckles in your eyes
Notice your warm smile and know that someone enjoys it, and looks forward to seeing it
You are unique
You have beauty
*You are beauty

Clattering of paws on the hardwood floors
I'll never forget the sound

Your big brown adorable eyes
I'll never forget the beauty

Your sloppy wet kisses all over my cheek
I'll never forget the love

Before I knew my ABC's you were there for me
& tonight we were by your side
just like you were for us for all this time
as you ran towards the light
I knew it was right

You'll forever be
my dearest greatest friend

There's an angel in your dreams
but it's not me

There's a girl who's wearing your shirt off her back
and has the pleasure to wake up next to you

She will make you coffee
the way you hate it
and will end up taking your cologne

You'll write songs about her
hating yourself at night
thinking why and how
did you end up this way

The one song you treasure the most about this mess
is the one that is filled with lies
and doesn't resemble her at all
Because it's me who you've been writing about all along

And you'll text me late at night
when you're feeling lonely
Know that I won't respond
because this is my song
telling you that I'm saying *goodbye

Fall in love with living
before you give anyone your all

There will be days where your hair won't be the way you want it
and that's okay

You're going to have nights where you will scream into your pillow
sobbing why me, why me,
and that's okay

Perhaps you will come home, and realize you're in love with someone
with the same gender as you
and that's okay

You're going to make mistakes and make bad decisions
and you'll learn from them, and that's okay

There will be nights where studying will take a toll on you
and that's okay


You're going to make it
You're going to do just fine in this world
You're going to be okay

His soul is a broken record player
Constantly, he's making the same mistakes again and again

With every cough he spits out
from the overbearing cigarettes
It's his lungs crying inside

The red ink of his pen
is the resemblance of what drips into the sink after midnight
Thoughts process onto paper
just like the blade processes on his skin

And during the night
in his solemn and cold as a tombstone bedroom,
as he sleeps heavenly
the crickets chirp just outside his window
leaving me to think of it as the peace
that he and I have will never make

There's things being left unsaid
and it's tearing me down

From the nights of screaming at each other
to the times I've come home smelling like alcohol
with my eyeliner smudged
and my shirt being someone else's but yours

Realizing that I'm behind it all of why you're like the way you are
was just as hard facing the fact that you are the reason
why I'm like the way I am today

You're changing
and *I've changed

I hate myself for thinking
that I was the lucky one
when you were the broken one

Because since you've left
There's been a persistent dulling ache inside me
fueling with anything that reminds me of you
Keeping my heart tamed when I hear your name
is just as impossible to keep the tears from flowing

Now I know what it feels like to be broken
but you're not here for me
like I was there for you

I hated your drinking
I hated your smoking
I hated your tattoos

& I hated it when the store clerk asked me if it was a rough night when I purchased a dozen of roses

because replying, "yeah my friend's stuck in his grave"
was something I never wanted to say in my whole life

But here I am, a dozen roses in hand
and here you are, buried, and unseen

I miss your drinking
I miss your smoking
I miss your tattoos

Because at least you *were alive

I fell in love with his hands before I fell in love with him

Veiny & calloused
Sweet & gentle

They held me in a certain way
like the way I wished I had a grip on my life

His fingertips played a sweet melody
which had once put me to sleep in a finger snap

From teasing to caring
his hands were comfort

& now
I'm left with just my own
and nothing to hold

[Sleep]* seems like a pushing thought of wanting it more than
what it really [is]
I'm [nonexistent] and hopeless of keeping my eyes shut
And the days pass [without] what I want
Is it sleep that I want or is it [you] who I want?

[But] I have a stirring question rising
It's making my '[do] or sit to the side' list
And [you] are making to the top of it
But perhaps my [sleep] schedule will set this question off to the side
because I don't love you *[anymore]

I loved him
I loved you
I loved myself

Past tense makes me sadder than I once was
Because loving myself was once an easy thing
Now it's merely just a thought

I loved you but I got carried away
But it all started out with an 'oh hey!'

He's not like the others
He knows how to cover
what he has stored inside him

Bursting with personality
Soaring for something greater

But he's got issues
greater than the Empire State Building

Scars with too many stories
that even a nanny wouldn't be able to have time to read them all

He's lovely
oh my indeed he is

But as I begged for him to stay
with tears in my eyes
wanting nothing more
than his comfort

All he could say was,
"Oh man,"

I'm drowning senselessly
while you're falling in love endlessly  

Was it something I did
or was it something [she] said

What [changed] your mind
or was there something more to her than there was to me

I'm nothing special
and I hate calling myself fragile
but my weakness is [you] not loving me back

[And] here I lay in my bed
wondering if [I] could have done anything different
but there's nothing to solve in this head of mine

Because we don't meet eye to eye
and we [can't] go back now
Times have [change]
and so have [you]

I wish I can just go [back]
to when things were just normal

You were my something
and now I feel absolutely nothing

I hate your **** mix match socks
that made no sense
but still ******* the jocks

Remembering the way your eyes lay on me
makes me hate you more
because you knew what you were doing

Your jawline was promising
but your love for me
was nothing but an awful whim
because you were looking for something to heal the pain

I'm not medicine
but funny how you used me like a drug

& now, you're on to your next addiction
while you left me abused
just like any other addiction

My love for you feels like a failure
It's a killer
of an ache

Now with your spit still on her tongue
you'll come crawling back
But not today you won't

Today I am brand new
I am alive
I am free
& I am loved but not the poor excuse you call love

I'm surrounded by the love I deserve
Whenever my friends asks me if I got home safe
i know its love
Whenever my mom tells me to be safe
it's love
Whenever my sister asks me if I've slept these past weeks
i know its love

But you see here
Your love made me miserable
made me feel like a failure
and you know me,
failure means I didn't try hard enough

But as I start to think and open my eyes
I realize you are the failure
and didn't try hard enough

You were the mistake
not me

With choking back a sob, I knew* [you] were gone
So soon, you [were]
But we all knew it was [bound] to happen
I was lacking of all what you wanted
And I just didn’t want [to] move on
from what we had
Or did we even have anything at all
Maybe that's why we [break] so easily
From every little thing
But with a heart like yours
I wished you stayed around longer
and kept saying that you loved **[me]

You said you cared about her, yet you told me that you loved me a few days ago.

I write these stupid poems, while you write masterpiece songs. All I ever write about are your dumb brown eyes, and you write about how life isn’t fair.

Which in all ways, you’re right about.

It’s not fair that she gets to hold your hand, when I can’t. She’ll never know why your fingertips are calloused but I sit here in my bedroom, knowing exactly why.

The scars that cover your legs are voiceless to the brain of hers, but they’re screaming at mine, knowing exactly what you’ve done.

I loved you, god, I loved you. You denied my caring for you, saying that I’m pathetic to even care about you the slightest. Funny how I still stayed on the phone with you, and was still curious about how your day was and how it went.

The night you had a bullet, there was endless of thoughts in my head, tears that were consistent. Funny how later on, I found out you were just stupidly high and I was just there, but I stayed, I ******* stayed because I loved you.

I’m the one who you’re replacing, but know this; my love for you is like my love for the universe, it’s forever expanding, and always blowing my mind away.

& while you read this, know that the calls, the messages, and the reminders of how much I cared, are still true to this day, even while your spit is still on her lips. But you, my friend, can never say you loved me, not even the slightest.

He's like the color grey on a happy day
******* up anything colorful
into a vortex of nothingness

His voice could put a baby to sleep
It's filled with dullness and talking cheap
Yet there's an edge of raspiness

His posture is slant
just like his old dying aunt
who can't get a grip
on life
just like him

His eyes could be full of life
But instead
they're boring and pale
and not as deep as the sea
that I wish I could write about

There are days where I deeply desire
to write about a beautiful man
who's filled with life
But yet here I am
writing about a real man
who knows what real life is about
and why there's no reason to be anything at all

You existing means I have a purpose
Living is just a concept
but with you around
I think I'd like to stay longer

Waking up is no longer difficult
Smelling the coffee in the morning is easier
Hearing the birds chirping is a little more clearer

Your voice
I swear to the great unknown
that it can simmer down my demons

I never felt such an overwhelming feeling before with living

Because with you
Living has a reason
Without you
I'm dying without a purpose

The shortest poem would have to be that so called relationship between you and I
The longest poem was that **** heartbreak afterwards

You are the literal universe
Not the center either
but the whole thing

Your blood is a galaxy
While your heart is a star
fuming with love and lust

But on your darkest days
Your eyes turn into black holes
Your soul turns into an empty void
destroying everything and anything you ever loved

Your bones that once structured your whole world
will crumble and turn into a dust of dullness

The scientist will diagnose you with a word
that will be meaningless to you but still makes your heart skip a beat

But know that you're not broken
Your body of the universe is just expanding and growing
in this rather cruel world where we all have to call home

I hope to god that she realizes that it's a privilege to be in the shoes I've once been in

Because right now, I'd do anything to feel alive again
but all I can do is ******* miss you

I'm not your lover
or your friend
I'm not your listener
or just a past time
I'm just simply an old memory

I used to think you're an angel
sent from above
but then again
I'm atheist

So watch me stand by in the winter snow
not doing anything
but wonder what went wrong
or how things went wrong
between you and I

But that's the thing about this
there was never a you and I
Just another past time
and why I'm just another memory to you

& when people ask who's it about
I cringe a little

There's times where I wonder if I'm good
or if it's good
or if he's even good enough

they say dating a writer makes you immortal
so what does that make us poets?

My eyes get too tired and sometimes it's only the afternoon
My hands can't keep up with my mind most of the time
which is the most frustrating thing ever

I'll be in the shower and midway have to stop
just so I can allow the passing thought to be written down

But worst of all
it hurts to be so good
but unwilling to see the beauty in your own poetry
because you're too busy looking at who's it about
or why you wrote it in the first place

When** you said you loved me
Did You imagine yourself kissing her months later or did you just Stop caring about the future all in all because I like to know when
Loving me was so difficult for you or did you even love
Me at all

My** life is seemingly just a lie while this
Heart of mine is constantly going through these
Aches and pains due to the world's faults
Seeing all the progress I haven't made is just another lie
You like to think I am doing better
With you not around in my life while you're with
Her but really I need you more than ever

and now I have to check my phone every time it rings
to make sure it's not another suicidal call
from the one I care about the most

I wish things were different
but some things aren't meant to be changed at all

You say you need someone who actually cares
so does that make me invisible to you?

Jesus Christ it hurts so much to be this way
it may appear that you're the only one who needs help
which is quite true
but can't you open your eyes
to the one who's always there for you
is in just as much pain

My aching heart doesn't long any more for you
it just longs to see you get better

I love the idea of that
but no longer in love with you

Neither of us can't seem to let go
and maybe that is why I still find myself
staring at my phone
for hours
contemplating whether or not if I should call you

& that's the thing
I don't
You will end up calling me anyway for your problems
while I listen
but stay away from venting my own

You were my shelter
my safe-haven
my comfort zone
my security blanket
you were my home
& **** I feel so ******* home sick.

IT'S ONLY WHEN IT'S 2AM WHEN YOU'RE LONELY THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF CALLING ME

BUT HOW IS IT THAT WHEN IT'S 2PM
I'M OCCUPIED AS CAN BE
YET YOU SLIP THROUGH MY MIND BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME CALLING YOU
ASKING FOR ADVICE ON ANOTHER SUMMER FLING

when this Hell calms down
perhaps we can have the Heaven we deserve

Seconds feel like hours
When I’m not with you

1. Time is a valuable thing

Minutes feel like hours
While I’m sitting in the car

2. It’s a reminder of many things

Hours feel like eternity
When I think of you

3. Reminder – It’s 2:03am, 170 hours since your last text

The hands on the clock
Never seem to go fast enough

4. Reminder – 172 hours since, “I love you, on my way”

It’s all for eternity
Reminders of why you aren't with me
Some things are never meant to be

The deadly room is awfully quiet
so quiet that you can hear the babies silently screaming

sometimes it's for the best
of this mess we created

but this miracle
is slipping out of our hands

and we can't do much my love

The spectrum of my eye sees this one color
perhaps if I smile it would be less duller

But I can't help but to sink into a sadness of this color when I see the rain drops on an easy Sunday morning
With the drips and drops against my windowsill that outlooks to the dreary city

Busy people passing, stepping over puddles
The gloomy clouds over cast my apartment

and I still wonder, if the sun is still shinning where ever you may be
because it's certainy not in my eyes

But you see darling, the scars on your wrist
are more than just an awful whim
they leave you with more than just physical outlooks
but rather leaving you being malnourished

As you read this darling,
know that lacking the confidence like you do
isn't a good enough excuse to say that you deserve this
although you know this is true
you still deny of all what you've become

darling,
with your eyes strained and red
with your cheeks stained too
know that I see pass through you
even if you can't do that right now

You see darling, when you say you've accepted your flaws
its untrue
it's the filthy rotten people surrounding you, deceiving you to believe you have flaws in the first place

Because the first time I laid eyes on you, the word 'flaws' didn't pass my mind
'Beautiful' was the first word, and then 'Jesus Christ how can someone be so angelic'

When I finally got to know you, it wasn't 'flaws' that ran in my mind
it was more like 'how can one obtain all these heavenly qualities'

Darling, you don't have flaws
just know that it's society's awful craft

I was just about to call you to say good morning and tell you how I couldn't fall asleep
then I remembered that you were the reason why I was sleepless and lonely

Because with just a simple 'hello' could silence my demons
because with just the hearing of your name could make my face light up
because with one easy touch from your finger tips could give me goose-bumps
because with our hands tangled I felt free
because with every glance I felt like I was floating on midair
Because I was so deeply in love with you

I don't nearly miss you like the way I do at 2 am in the morning
it's when the afternoons roll in is when I do
Missing you at 2 am when I'm lonely is not the same as missing you during the day
when I'm on the move
doing things to get on with my life
yet the idea of you somehow sneaks into my busy mind
I miss you and *it's not just when i'm simply lonely

Hands; how they held mine, and the moment that I wished you’d never let go; but you did

Eyes; they’re brown, but so much more than that
They were round as the moon, a one big moon they each were, covered in a sweet caramel
I wished I could stare into them forever, but that was simply impossible

Hair; it changed every week
I wished you to stop dyeing it for the sake of not having it damaged hair due to the purples, reds, and greens that were somehow always getting into your hair
The next week, your hair color changed to purple

Mouth; it spoke a thousands of words, beautiful ones in fact
I wished to be apart of those thousands of words, but now, I’m barely even spoken, maybe two words if it’s a sad day for you

Lips; they ****** me in everyday, every time
They were awkward kisses most of the time, but that was us
I wished to have the everlasting existence of the feeling, but most days, I can hardly find it in any poison I drink

I wished a lot, but one thing I truly wish, is now to never date a boy like you who promises a forever

I could **** myself and let life go on
or **** the things that make me want to **** myself
but at the end of the day
it all just defeats the purpose

Jesus Christ, he looks at me like I'm the brightest light he's ever seen
and I wonder how that can be when he's the sun to me