A moving ridge,
Rattling,
The quiet of the night
With sizzling winds,
Whispering hollos from an inferno

Flames,
Boiling skin,
Molten nails
Flaring silhouettes
Of skulls with red eyes

The friends in my head,
Crouching in a corner,
Giggling,
The blood on my hands
Another soul, to be saved

We all know shame and understand to avoid it when necessary. But sometimes, we just walk down her street and hope the world would forget.
Do they forget? Or do you forget? The unexplainable embarrassment of the year.

Yeah! My case was a shame of the year and this is how it happened.

My grandma, "a hajat" runs a retail shop along a highway in some small town. It faces a rising sun which I enjoy bathing on the cold days.
I greet her, grab a chair, place it onto the verandah as soon as she opens her doors to the shop.

She is a tough person to read really. Unlike most elderly ladies who give a cozy feeling while talking to them, she freaks me out. Like she doesn't like me. Or for some reason, hates me and just blurs me in her mind's eye. And I think I did give her a reason to.


About eight months ago, I came to live next to her, at my own place in my own first home. A single room, rented, along a muddy road (cause it's raining now) off the highway. The building is one block away from where the shop is. So if the shop faces north, my room would face the east.


I should say I didn't know her until that time. Like we had not seen each other until then, and until she sold me a three litre Jerry can for I think triple the price, Ugshs 3500. And then, she gave me a reason to go to other shops. It was expensive even in my own ignorance since I had never done shopping for household items before.
So I tried other shops and bought a five litre jerry can at Ugshs2500. I was happy. It felt like money well spent. That I was a genius finally in control of my first days in the real world, away from home and school.
But at the same time, a wrong or the best idea of never to buy from her again. I mean, if family is to be exploited by you, am sorry grandma, I ain't going to be part of your legacy.


So the sneaky dealings started like I was buying drugs from another dealer and had to be sure she never comes to know. Not that she would do anything, but really it would look weird.

My new dealer would be a shop along the same highway, on the same side, just a one block away from the grandma's left.  A she of course, who undeniably is beautiful. A gracious voice and radiant smile, offering to do way good stuff if I buy from her. Like she sorts my rice so I take ready to cook and eat. Which of course my grandma, wouldn't do. And again, she is beautiful.


Anyway I usually peeked at the verandah to see if grandma wasn't there, then walk like a boss to my dealer whom am so proud to buy from. And this was just smooth until, I can't even say...


It was a normal black out, just a few candle lights from the still open shops, and flashing lights of passing vehicles. The sky was dark enough for the  many visible stars that dotted it's canvas. And this guy, myself, chooses to take a walk, masking the night, thinking about my own duties till I come close to my dealer's shop, "mama Mariam" that I remembered I had a pickup to do.

It was dark and if that wouldn't have been the best time, then there wouldn't have been any better. She was not on her verandah, but dumping ******* into a "pit." so I took hold of the moment and made the pickup. I didn't ask for a wrapping for my 1kg of rice and turned to leave the shop.

And duh, lights everywhere. To be specific, light above my head. Electricity was back from its normal routines as it always is in developing countries. Very bright. Probably a new bulb. Looking across me, grandma standing on the verandah looking back at me. With my spoils in my hands, I swear I wished to be anywhere else but not there. I was drowning literally in my mind that I froze for sometime. May be a minute or two. Until I went back into the shop and asked for a wrapping before walking shamefully with my head low.

It was the worst I had ever felt in a long time. Wait, the worst that I still do feel. So guilty that I have been avoiding my morning sun bath.

And when I did see her, she replied to me like nothing had happened. Huh? Nothing?!
Just with her stale face like before which could mean she always knew I bought from that shop. Or worst, "I don't care. You can go to hell grandson. You are a sellout."

And to the moment I write this, I still feel her stale eyes, hear her raspy voice like echoes from a nightmare that am never to wake up from, taunting me like a ghost.

Grandma, am sorry. But she is a pretty  lady the stole me from you. Please just understand why I had to do this. It was a tough decision that took seconds to make and would probably do the same until you start selling a bit cheaply. Wait, even if you did, she is a pretty woman and that's a good reason to keep buying from


And again, am sorry! Love you!

“No,” he said,
“I want to see how you roll yours eyes when turned on,”
“Biting your lips and your voice smoother than the dust of falling snow,
Screaming within a peaking ecstasy.”
“To see your soul in the white of your eyes,
And your heart in the brown lenses within.”
“Pounding to the thrusting movement between your thighs,
But gentle, to raise your spirit,
Into the sky of dreamers…”

She runs fast to my open arms,
Her embrace, warm in the early morning

Delighting my weary heart,
After the long night at sea

That offered me not meat of scales and fins
But a heavy net of sea ****

She whispers into my ear,
"Papa, the moon shall rise tomorrow"

"And you will catch a biiig fish,
That we shall eat and be hungry no more"

"And you will never have to leave mummy and I, "
"Ever again,"
"unto these lonely nights, so cold and scary."

I want to taste your breath
Feel it warm between breaks
As we sigh from ecstasy

Gentle, tender
Caressing tongues
Biting your lips

In the dark,
With the mind's eye
Searching your curves

Within whispers and hymns,
Echoes and silence,
Rolling with the beat,

Of a pounding heart,
Rushing blooding
And tingling skin

Where scents blend,
Of flesh and soul,
To become, but one

A brilliant star
In a milky way
The fairest of all

It was the sense of control,
That she held the light for her soul,
Walking in the dark,
Blind to her illusions
That every step was right,
And the future was but a place,
Of abundance in riches,
Joy, a bliss for the heart
And a forever quenched thirst,
In arms of a strong love

Oh! A beautiful dream,
Where desires met perfection,
And wore robes of deception,
Chaining her heart,
With rings of black roses,
prickles bleeding veins,
To leave but a withered soul
The red in her eyes,
As she watched the sun fall,
Into a twilight, a true reality

Long chains cutting deep,
In both my wrists and ankles
I watch my flesh decay,
Falling off, feeding my only friend,
The little mouse in my dungeon
Reminding me of freedom, each day,
And how it all depends on my choice

Now, cloth me up so nice,
White suit, black tie and rose
Let me speak, but not walk on the path of truth,
Best smile, firm handshake and a warm hug
Avoid all mirrors, can’t let anybody see,
That which lurks behind my reflection,
Moves in the shadow besides me

A stranger within, a second voice
Two souls fleshed as one, possessed
The unending war deep within
Black verses white, a smudge
Grayish, sometimes darker
And tonight I shine bright,
Casting a shadow so dark

One more time I come,
The monster you created,
Deep down in your dark heaven
For your coronation, dark spirit,
But wait for your black rose
An ending reign to your kingship,
As I break down your stone wall
And raining red on its ruins

Make me melt at the honesty of your heart
A sincere passion that is mutual
Echoing within the walls of our hearts
Pounding together in a wrestle of love,
Ecstasy, bonding our DNA,
When we lay in a bed of roses

Clench** a fist,
Take a blow to a stone wall

Crush your knuckles,
Hear them snap with a rattling

Cry to the sky,
Scream out all your pain

Now, look at your flesh torn,
Discharging red, atoning for your sins

Your rage burning like a flame,
Dancing randomly to the whisper of the wind

Certain winds blow it high,
And others simply play with it

Yet, eventually, the flame dies
Leaving your heart scorched black

Letting rise of a dark smoke,
Clouding the sun above your path

You then dwell in a lost world,
Folly acts guided by the hazy visions

Stumbling about everywhere
Breaking glass with every move

And only to walk through them afterwards
Bleeding your feet until you can’t move

Stubbornly, you bend on your knees
And once again, try to crawl your way out

The sharp pain flashes quick,
From your palms to the mind,

Like bad news across a sea,
Bringing with it, the cold wind of the dead

You howl loud, clenching your fists,
Blood dripping onto your ragged clothes

And then, shutting your eyes slowly,
You finally let tears run down your face

Falling onto your sooty heart,
And eroding it clean with every drop

You watch and admire,
This robe of nobility

A man of superiority
weighed by eyes of the old

But,

I am just a lamb for slaughter
On burning pieces of wood

Between tongues of blue flames, That they die before I do

Or rather,

Before that shiny edge of the knife,
Slices through my bare neck

And yet,

These known dangers foreseen,
But shadowed by my self interests hidden,

Behind this robe you like
A man just like you

Delighted by pieces of shiny metals,
And comfort of woolen beds,

Enjoying pleasures of flesh,
And scented rooms filled with flowers,

Before tables of spiced meat,
And golden cups of wine

But yet,

I am noble as you think,
And indeed enjoy the warmth of this robe,

To sweat and bleed for toils than myself
The beautiful world of happiness
And stereo echoes of laughter,
Celebrating a life well lived

tears of the moon,
lungs breath out
smoke of ecstasy,
from dying flames,
burning desires
to leave ashes of sun

From smoke of random thoughts,
The world as it should be
Burning, a fire of invention

The pen wets the paper,
Smudges of a dark ink,
The calligraphic mastery of art

Following strokes of fine brushes,
On stretched surfaces of white canvas
The coloured sunsets of oil pastels

This, the epitome of a dreamer
The long bars holding,
And glass walls reflecting the mountains a far

Searching within particles of ether
The knowledge of outgrowth
Sieved through the many minds over time

Sometimes I feel lost,
Like am living in a shadow,
Of ghosts from my past,
Walking around an eight,
With my head low,
Dragging my sore feet,
My hands loosely hanging
Drowning in waves of blurry ambitions

Did i dream too big?!

The flames of my yesterday,
A gun loaded,
In her hands,
Within her quivering fingers
Unsteady,
The blood on my chest
This hole in my heart,
The anguish of my soul

Did I care so much?!

Fear is what we know not
A future expected to rain hails
When no roof covers your head
And blankets not warm enough
To protect you from the strong winds

You fall to know your knees and plea
To a higher force that bends ether
Moving the wheel of time with sun
Separating darkness from light
Hoping it crafts you out of your wooden self

You set your heart right,
Feet and hands clean
And wait for the eclipse
Lunar or solar, moving stars
Changing seasons, a new start

And so, to live a worthwhile,
I acknowledge my fears,
Plea to a higher force of unlimited energy,
And set myself right for the rapture
The unknown occurrence of opportunity
All I need is one strike
Just one

Always loved the color grey
A composition of black and white
Clearly illustrating humanity
A blur of evil and good
Residing in every soul under the sun

She mourns for her unborn twins
Several scan photos she keeps
Her heart broken by this world's injustice
Two young souls that didn't come to know,
The warm touch of sunlight on one's skin
But rather leaped from darkness into another

She is a mad queen and always was
Loves cake to her heart
And cares not about how many lack bread
As long her family smiles
Tell me, is she wrong for not looking beyond her shoulders?

After all, this world, a playing field
While some choose to play with forks and spoons,
Others prefer bullets and guns
Call it unfair if you like
She calls it reality
And she will work to her last breath
Until she scores of life,
All the happiness that there is

So tell me, is she black or white?
If black, is she not supposed to moan?
And if white, is she supposed to just hand in everything?
May be she is grey
After all, she does sometimes care about others
A charitable organisation for orphans and widows
Clothes and food she gives

may be we are all black and white
One big shade of grey like the moon,
Shining but not bright enough

the ground is a rock
but a sponge
on which I bounce,
along strings of rubber
faint elasticity
dragged between seconds
this silent planet
my lone soul

the flowers are on the grave
the whispers of the living
black scarfs
feathered hats,
the shadows of hate
standing around your halo
in black coats and long dresses
watching the fall of the sun

Their tongues hymn empathy,
but spit darts of poison
with their feigned smiles,
the scent of your soul
the blood from your heart,
clotted within their nails
so I know,
that before the next sunrise,

shall they come after me
with shinning scythes,
under a hollow moon,
like grey hounds,
their beastly nails tearing the ground beneath
to face this heart of a dark soul
blackened by rage

the monster I have become
with every breath from my lungs
the power in my blood
the fall of a star,
into an abyss of vengeance
with the sun still after a twilight
casting a shadow of death,
over their foul faces

Drops of tender rain,
Open pores of my frozen skin,
My soul, free, within

In a room so dark,
And the chains so heavy,
but yet a smile so big
One smells freedom
From a ventilation underground
And knows, that he will feel the sun,
Once again, warm on his skin

I could bleed all the ink from my pen,
As a fountain of my sorrows,  
Streaming endlessly from a shattered heart
Masked behind these dry, but weary tears

But, the length of my scroll,
Short of a new page,
Appeals for a new chapter,
That I return to its headers,
To write within my past,
The story of a new self

I sit on a stump
Watching faces age with smiles
Living a worthwhile

I smile at the falling rains,
But cry within,
Letting the cold drops wash my tears
Before the dawn of the sun

I walk with my head raised high,
But,
with a withering spirit,
I stride along a lone path

This life,
A voyage on the sea
Amidst ripples and waves,
Searching for a significance

With the winds against my sails
Broken,
The mast,
and the compass

So I bury my grief,
Casting my eyes unto the stars
That even though my moon hides,
I sail

And to my grave,
Shall I carry my scars,
With these bleeding wounds,
To heal on the far beyond

The Battle of consciousness
A labyrinth of truth,
And lies smartly overlain

Running from a past,
Clashing with the present,
To see a sunrise tomorrow

Reaching for a peak,
And numbed by ice,
To live in the clouds,

Above my nightmares,
Disturbing silhouettes,
And moving shadows

I know what I did,
My hands shiver,
And knees so weak

Reliving every second,
Of the dark night,
And each image so vivid

To forget that permanently written,
On a stone wall inside a cave,
Is to break down the walls in my mind,

To **** me from the inside,
And living without a soul

The stains of black ink on a white spread

The bold lines and racing hearts

The curves,

Her hair flows like a fountain,

Of dark strands onto her delicate skin

The green grapes,

Her ruby lips moisted with my frozen breath

Her name echoes like the church bells…

across the Scottish hills

The fragrance of her youth in my lungs,

wild roses…

fill my soul with exotic desires

I’m the abstract of an insane love

I don’t have to walk with worry,

that my feet will tip over my own shadow

You are beautiful,  

And it is all that I live for

"I could eat the world," he said
as the blow s of hunger,
worked painfully on his breath

sighing he added,
"but only a piece i need,
some crusts of dry bread,
and a drop of water
to smoothly swallow with"

"and this face would glow
eyes like the sun
reflecting the joy of my soul,
through the curves on my lips,
wearing a smille like a flower,
blossoming in a desert,
the white petals of my heart"

Wisdom a lost treasure of the past
Smartness the new trickery of the present
Leaving the future so blind and unknown

Men meet and plan
Devising ways to end each other
Competition running in their veins
To have all and share none

I prayed to the Father above
That He grants me wisdom
To seek a path truly righteous
And follow not the viscous shortcuts

I longed for fulfillment
In this one life that I have
That before I lay underground
It should have been a worthwhile

And yet the candle burns dim
In these cold and dark nights
I tremble and feel weary
My mind empty of understanding

My soul screams lost
If only I had prayed last night
Renewing myself with a new candle,
That my heart would joyfully beep

But yesterday turned to a new page already
Hoping to make the best of today
And waiting for my Father to guide my feet...

Bleed my scars,
I love the way you lie
Rip my heart open,
Do you love the way I cry?

You grip my neck,
Chocking my soul,
With all the strength in you
Gathered within your little fingers

An aching in your heart,
Piercing through the red in your eyes
The tears of silence,
A monster you have become

Quench your thirst,
On my blood,
Skin my flesh,
And heal your cold

Devour me,
look into my heart,
Watch my soul wane,
As I fade behind shades of darkness

Another memory on your slates,
A name on a wall,
In the cave of your mind,
Playing, the Queen of spades

And why now?
Oh! You do care i see,
Breathing like a mad bull,
Oh wait, they are always crazy

But suddenly calm, hm!
A cow and a goddess
Sobbing on my chest,
Do you love the way it hurts?

You bleed when I bleed
Smile when I look into your heart,
And weak when I breath on your neck
So I see, this,
Another mad love

Whisper to me oh good Lord
As I tread upon this dark path
Searching myself in this large painting
Declaring everyday as history
After the sun has dived below the mountains

I wish to paint a life,
On earth's wide canvas
Running brushes on her surface
And signing on her edges,
Marking my name through ages

Should i be good,
Let it be in color
As I slay these dark spirits
And let the angels sing,
Blowing trumpets so loud
For a battle won of flesh

But I hope am never bad
That its sprayed in black and white
As I fall prey to this hungry beast
Waiting to tear my soul apart
Separating me from your spirit

Strained lines on her face,
Tears wash away her makeup
Sobs a broken heart

This sacrifice for a dream
Screams thoughts of what I must cast
                    into the sea

       My heart is lost of love
But vengeance
             Hate
      And anger
              
        I see the moon
                                      Not the sun
           walk a dark path
   With an admiration for my shadow

        The only family I know
    With the night inside my heart
         The friends in my head

     When darkness is all I have
             My Nightmares to cherish
     
           If God went North
                              And left my soul,
                                       On a boulevard,
         Under these sinking skies

my heavy heart,

its fading heartbeat

the blood in my veins

slowly,

it bleaches


the color of my tears,

Are they pure?

or disgraceful?

I feel them cold,

running along my broken smile


Is it okay to cry?

It is okay to cry

Happy or sad?

I am glad I drowned my demons

but they were my only family

I break my bones,
drain their marrow,
casting them into a fire,
the ashes of my youth

The dusty lobes of your eyes,
Dark news of a king's wellness they carry
To the masses,
On raven wings of a light tongue

Broken, the spirits of her citizens,
Surrounded by enemies of blades and chariots,
Camping under the hollow moon

And before dawn,
Shall they throw rocks of flames,
To the sky walls of this city,
Commencing, the day between jaws of desolation

Mothers shall run,
Hidden,  faces of their cherished daughters,
Behind loincloths of their ashes
And sons, besides their fathers,
The rising spirits of the dead

How easy it is to set fire on a pine forest?
So easy it is, to seize a city whose king lies,
Covered in wool and animal skin,
Fighting the inviting winter of an after world

The place where time defines no history
But an abyss of oblivion
A throne without a heir,
And a name,  to vanish like smoke

“I’m only trying to build a castle from my childhood fantasies”

I fall back at the day’s break

With the sun on my skin,

The dust on my soles prints on her floor

How much to pay?

When to repay?

The loyalty and affection

She rubs softly on my shoulders

And my soul sails away from the worries of tomorrow

I have fallen,

I have crawled

I answer to no soul but her

crossing the dunes,

my head above the sand

my eyes search for the oasis

Let's whisper unto the stars,
the secrets of our wishes
Unicorns and fairies
a princess and her knight,
If beauty is to fade,
and happiness is to seek,
so he wears
the crown of Persia,
a ring of immortality
holding a scroll of literature,
romance, and history
A gladiator's aura
Fallen in the sand of the arena,
A dove in the sky
Across the black sea
If my soul finally crosses
Walking the moon,
Among my forefathers
The birth of a new star

screams,

and hundred dollar bills


a squeaking bed

Working behind closed doors,

pleasures known to a faceless man


she suffocates in her tears

"I am happy or sad?"

she wonders


It feels so wrong,

but so right

Is this where I belong?


within a rush of a fading high,

and the agony of a broken heart


my waning spirit,

it drifts in this endless cosmos

as I watch its infinite stars,

burning out,

one at time,


to when I become devoured,

into its black hole

with my tears to the skies

Mirror, mirror,
By the wall he hungs,
A little flame on a melting candle,
Dancing beautifully within his cornered edges

She whispers, asking,
"who's the fairest of all? "
"In this room drowning in darkness,
And of the night, young and calm"

His voice vibrating and clear,
"truly in this room, you, above all"
"But of this night, lone and quiet,
The bright star besides the shadow of her moon"

"Gracefully they travel many nights,
Across valleys and plains,
Beyond deserts and thick forests,
And over endless covers of unknown waters"

"Together, I have seen many seasons,
Through the freezing cold of a jailing winter,
And the scorching heat of a summer hell
As like always, glancing through that window from this wall"

"Attracted to her beautiful twinkles,
From the beginning of this world,
To this very moment, with each passing second,
And may be, to the world's end"

She dances once and twice
Bitter, broken by the weight of his words,
Before, finally, blown out of life,
To rise as smoke, into the milky way

Painting a dark cloud
That even in her despair,
Her tears shall fall to soak the earth,
To soften, and swallow her beloved mirror

Standing on this street,
Anonymous shadows fading out of sight
Indistinctive voices waving in and out

I become silent to the many heart beats,
But my own,  skipping between seconds,
A frozen time, a conscious self finally awoken

I look at a moving cloud,
An awareness of lightness,
To see that am floating through space

Below I see, a man in a black suit
My unmoving body within time,
Oblivious to the passing blurry faces

And so, he speaks to me, asking,
"Who's there to love?"
"Who's there to care?"

That suddenly, I fall fast,
Back into my flesh and bones,
Just before the lights hit green

Across I see, an elderly lady,
In the road, just before she is sent flying,
By an SUV, to the other world of silence

And then, distinctive whispers,
"Who's there to love?"
"Who's there to care?"

You trade trust for a heart
The white colour of your eyes,
And the dark lenses,
That reflect the wondrous silhouette of your soul

Honesty comes forth from your mouth
With vibrant words of kindness
Breathing life to the wilting spirits

Your ears listen to the reflecting sound,
From the corners of each word,
In the room of hidden troubles

You raise your hands,
Supporting them that are feeble,
The heavy baggage of a big heart
And smile as you stride confidently

Can't deny,
That you rest upon walls of integrity
High and mighty,
Guarding your city of character

That many travel through your gates,
And yes,
Their souls rejuvenated,

To once again set foot,
Upon their variant paths to a better living

And u, my dear
The saint on a milky way

It would be the 11th
Six seconds off a midnight,
Within sounds of a ticking clock,
And howls of hungry dogs

Your breath,
like the wind,
Warming my chest
At the tempo of your heart

How delicate and calm,
The lines on your face,
That smile when you sleep,
A sunrise in the night

That I would wish,
To watch,
Till the first rays of the morrow,
Colour your tender skin

I stand tall in day,
But crash within your arms
This thumping heart,
The evidence of my flaw

A beautiful flaw,
To know love,
To understand her ways,
And finally feel whole.

Thank you love,
Good morning

She hates the blankets of the night,
Hovering over the yellow of the sun
Into a boiling skin, sweating,
Soaking in a night gown,
Drowning in a pool of flooding terrors,
Flashing slates of memories

A dark alley, a subway,
Trailed by a hooded phantom
laying on her back, flimsy,
Chocking on her fading screams
In fright of the red mask,
The weight of his seed