The world felt so small until I looked into your eyes.
It felt like you just walked in one frosty morn
Into the vision of my vacant mind.
Filling it with calming hims.
Letting me know that you didn't have to be with me,
But instead wanted to be with me.
Feeling your touch wanes away the frost
That has kept me isolated for so long,
Meeting you felt like the first sunny day after the longest winter.
I know that more storms will come
Seasons will change back to winter.
But for now at this point.
I can look into your eyes that pair well with your smile.
Knowing that I won't have to worry,
About the Burdens of Tomorrow

Anxiety is nothing but your brain conspiring against you.
Casting a cloud of misery
Weighed down by the unrealistic expectations you put under yourself.
You placed them there from your past life,
Past success, failures
Past lovers, Enemies.
Your mind exiles into the trenches of your own mind.
Flipping through scrap books filled with joy.
You didn't hate this person you have become,
You wouldn't sit in your cold car idling
Having shouting matches with the voices in your head.
Back before you got the math wrong on which factors lead to this moment,
Forgoing a masochistic valley into your heart
Sculpted by the who, what, when, where and why you ended up like this.

But you're still that person.
You still can find these beautiful moments that happen every day.
It’s not your fault.
People have hurt you in the past,
And they will hurt you in the future.
You just need to learn to breathe sometimes.
It's the only thing that you can control that's around you.

I slog through this museum of people living their best life.
I hold my phone tightly.
Like an emotional support animal,
Cocooned in my bed.
I dig through people's lives like someone stuck in an avalanche.
The only movement I have are my fingers, swiping.
My body groans as it realizes it will be frozen through time.
It's 1PM and I’ve been awake since 6 AM scrolling.
It's hard to breathe, I can feel the weight in this Sarcophagus I built.

I force myself to focus in my own lane.
I can see someone had their heart broken,
It stands out in a crowded room like a glow stick.
Everyone can see your pain.
Everyone knows that we have been there and they regretfully have done that.

So let me stay on my island,
Barricading my insecurities and tucking them into my vulnerabilities
Until you can't see what’s hindsight with my 20-20 vision.
I’ll pile my damaged goods till it seeps out of the storage boxes with childhood toys in my mind
You will see my mind will grow calluses that built this lighthouse on my island
To let people know that I am damaged goods.
So steer clear, find your cargo elsewhere else.

So let's hear it,
What makes you think I can trust you.

I hear you like I'm near you,
On your soapbox full of rage
As you fill your need to shout a little more
Voices on voices upon voices
Who need to voice what they feel is right.
Filled in a sea of people who you feel are wrong.
You try to believe the good in every man.
Especially this man.

You don't have to tell me twice
I gave my nimble secrets to that talkative man
Paying my way for this one way ticket
To the next thing that will save us.
However I was left with empty hands
Nothing to show but these lessons made from fools gold
It's hard to change this march of time.

I forget what my face looks like
Because my face is always in the Facebooks,
Poking my head through other people's lives
Wishing I could be invited to.
I suffer from this curse
Of being picked last in everyone's mental gym class.
They normally pick the stronger ones,
the Foxier ones, the ones who wink at them
With quick glances across the gym.
We, my friends, are the easily forgotten ones.

She walks to the rhythm of the wind,
Gently gracing her presence
With her gentle blades of grass that hugged my feet
You mother nature, calm my youthful and troubling ways.
like a cool pillow,
You made me smile as I drifted asleep
To blue colors of the moon.
Yet I don't see you anymore,
This connection is broken
By the blaring horn of the locked up freeway.
My innocence being fracked till my heart becomes old and deceitful.
These machines made by other machines spew smog into these unfamiliar skies,
I look into the sky to see where your love has gone,
I just want to know
Who slayed the moon?

Oh hello moon we meet again
As I sway in your spotlight
Walking down the streets
Kicking cigarettes down onto the road
From the **** end of my last joke.
Neon lights bleed off my face
I do a double take from someone smells like Spearmint
And looks just like you.
I bit my tongue and closed my heart
As I hope that my feelings for you die.
Like a broken clock it still haunts me with my past time.
As I continue to stumble home
Thinking how you hate the name Dina.

My regrets tighten my Nikes
we are running out of time.

The moment I rest my eyes it’ll be the last time I’ll be able to feel this way,

You’re here in my arms.

The feelings of my ribs being so tenderly tickled that they fall off the bone.

I’ll miss us, glued together in the darkest of nights.
I’ll miss being your prince in shining armor, using the rime on the autumn grass to guide us home.

Let me pour some gas station coffee

I want to stay awake for one more stained night. I want to avoid the truth that meets me when my alarm goes off.

The moment that I will be officially exiled off of the Love Club once more.

I wish this car can stop blowing cold air,
As we sit in the car
Frost punishes us for being up so late by nibbling our noses.
We sit adjacent, shivering, passing around a chocolate bar
I left in my car the other day.
We howl like wolves in the night
About that innocent thing we did
That led us running to this car on a cold winter night.
Simultaneously giggling
Finding my maps and papers to find that breath I was searching for,
I count the constellations from the irises in your eyes,
Realizing following your northern star
Will lead to the quiet sounds of falling in love.
Everywhere I go, I take a place with me,
even though our hearts belong to someone else,
I’ll never forget my 2001 Jeep Cherokee.

I used the rubble from the bridges I burned
To build my own path,
My regrets need to tighten my nikes
As I am running out of patience.
Even though I feel you next to me
In this car driving me crazy.
You see, I twiddle my thumbs
Trying to find my parking spot
To steer my eyes away from looking at yours.
I have the drive to buy a Ford Mustang
So I can start an Expedition
To find my Edge to Navigate my Escape
From this Fiesta that my heart has created
Just by looking at you.
You tear the thorns off my branches
That were left from people who don't use their blinkers.
You lead my heart on a warm highway,
Im bumper to bumper with these conflicting thoughts.
As we sit here between our next chapter
To find our next direction.

I spy with my weatherd eyes
A broken clock that shows me better times from my past life.
As these spiteful tides have turned me
Into a grumpy soul.

This desecrated ship of doubt
It's slowly peeling me away like a potato peeler
I need to grab my papers and maps
To find the breath that I was once searching for.
These scramblings of ramblings
So nonsensical
As they lead me to the fact
That you hate that I bite my nails

Like a hangnail you chew me apart,
Gifting me these splinters from this shovel
That I used as a kid to build mountains of possibilities
Which now leaves me a hole,
To bury my soul with.
Each stone I turn I see these regrets
That look like texts I that shouldn't have sent.

The heavens from above
Have blocked their facebooks
Casting her curses in cursive
Leaving me with my grave,
My shovel,
Memories of you.

We look at each others feet as we can hear the hums of this being over soon
Over me
Over you
Over the fact that I checked the boxes of chances you had.
No more room for the these checks
They are bouncing back,
To the same place
That you took my breath away long ago.

Ironic.
Because the same place I swept you away in my arms
Is the same place.
Were i just found my breath that I was searching for.
When I was looking for calming voice
For my breath fresh air
I found your febreeze like musk
Covering the fact
That your smell isn't welcomed
Your aroma of far fetched excuses.
And “give me another chance.”
On why you acted the way you were.

This what used to be us in this Apartment flat
puzzle pieces that used to fit oh so right
Now pushing away like two backwards magnets,
Stuck to the notion
Of packing my bags
And made sure that ****** door stayed closed.

Cold
The fear of the nothingness
That rest between me
And this thin piece of aluminum
Grows deeper in my veins
As I'm drifting in space.
I'm not going forward,
Nor am I backwards,
Just drifting further away uncontrollably
Which is quite unfortunate
Because I’m fumbling with this cold pen
Trying to find my direction home
With my comfy bed that you hog every night.
How could I trust these thrusters to ****** me to my destination
When my mind has exiled me to question this space
That is spaced around me.
So alone, yet I'm crowded with my own thoughts.
I just want to let it out, scream so hard
That my lungs burn with frustration
Yet in space
No one can hear my screams
Including you.

Maybe i’m foolish
Maybe i’m too kind
Maybe i'm stubborn
Maybe it's your laugh
Or your rockin ***
Complemented by the nice smile

Maybe I should get out of my seat.
Maybe I should talk to you
Maybe I should not have tripped on my shoelaces
Maybe I should complement your tattoo
Maybe we should talk so much
That the librarian has to kick us out for letting out that laugh you have.

Maybe you like me
Maybe you are just trying to be friendly
Maybe you are a pushover
Maybe i'm just being too aggressive
Maybe I should take you out to dinner
Maybe I should look at your beautiful eyes when I ask
Instead of snow angels on the ground with my feet

Maybe you said yes
Maybe I thought you said yes
Maybe you didn't mean to say yes
Either or im jazzed
Maybe I should wear a bowtie
Maybe I should wear suspenders
Maybe both….**** it
Maybe you likes chinese
Or Maybe indian!
Maybe I should ask
Or maybe I should take initiative

Maybe I should knock on her door
Or ring the doorbell!
Maybe I should give you the time of your life!
And maybe I will go stargazing
But It would just me staring at you
Because the stars are in your eyes
Maybe I'll tilt my head in
And feel your lips pressed into mine
And maybe you will never have
To have a first date ever again

But I don't
I don't approach you in that library
I don't compliment your tattoos
I don't even hear your thoughts
That make you mentally shout at night
You won’t even teach me how to dance
Or how to deal with your parents who wouldn't like me
Instead I just watch from afar
You look at me
Which forces me to make snow angels on the ground with my feet
As you grab your books
And leave the library.

I just want to say good luck
To my past lives
Who now have future guys without me
I hope they treat you great
And wont procrastinate
When you need them to take out their dang socks out of the dryer.
And maybe stop leaving the window open in your mom's minivan
    
I rotate myself like a rotisserie chicken
So I can feel the burn of emptiness left in me.
I turn and turn
Until my mood is dire and my humor drier
From this mirage of hope.
That dissipates to the back of what's left of my crowded mind.

I find myself looking at wedding rings in pawn shops.
Knowing that I will eventually find myself back
At this exact counter adding a total to the line of wedding rings.
Like my parents before,
They bring me a bringing of upbringings
On how to fall into dislike.
Slamming doors,
Yelling,
Tears,
And talking mad ****.
Are common vocabulary words for my ears
And it make me uncomfortable when it is absent.

Like this isnt right…

So I just want to say good luck.
To my future wives
Who want to live life without me
I’m sure i'll prepare you
For next guy you’ll date
And for every guy you'll hate

My dad is a professor
He taught me the ins and outs
What happens when someone walks in for 20 years
And walks out with half of everything.
Having Court dates on Court dates
With court times playing this Court game.
Of who scores the most points with the kids.
He plays the game with his former half
On how many creases
You can bend in our family line
Until there is nothing left
But a sided family.

My mother is a beautiful tattoo on a drug Lord
She taught me on who I should be
And I shouldn't be
By Tearing a page
From the nearest melodrama she could find.
She holds hostage to the home movies
The ones where I splash mud all over my cats
Videos that make me forget
Of what one Thanksgiving looks like.

Yet the thing that I had to learn from them
Is that mom and dad loved to shout.
Really loud actually.
So loud that it slams counters and doors
You knocked over my brand new Lego Harry Potter set
I got from one of my Christmases.

Mom and dad say
That it's the sounds of a disagreement.
But really it's the sound
Of two people falling out of love.

I’m not in the swing of things
And want to meet by that is
I'm not used to being blinded by these lies.
The tie me down by the terrible fact that the facts
You told my ignorant eyes were nothing but lies

You left

I stayed

I had to pick up all of the loose ends
That you cut off loosely with me.

Odd

They looked like that one time
When we froze our *** off
At that donkey concert.

I'm not in the swing of things
And what I mean by that is
I stare at my phone to wait for text messages.
Marooned on an island of my most baneful thoughts

But wait
A message!

It's just an email from the people who write emails
That don't want me to write back

Shame

I just want you to check up on me
Like a direct deposit
See how my collection of poetry is going.
I want to live in the timeless time
When we couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

I'm not in the swing of things.
And when I mean is
I hate eating alone
Forks and spoons we used for food fights with
Are now just instruments to put food in my mouth.
I feel optimistic finding crumbs in my beard.
You see when I find crumbs in my beard.
I pretend just for a moment
That you left them
So I can find my way
Back to a better place

So I’m sorry if I'm not in the swing of things
This rope that holds me together is fraying
Each strand is stripping me away and leaving
Like the leaves you trekked into this ******* house

These leaves will melt away

The rope will give out

You will let me fall

You say that i'll get back on my feet

I'm just afraid of when my feet will fail me now.

When we first meet
You wanted to take me everywhere
Allow me to see the world through your sunflower dirt covered eyes
Yet now, you don't want to see me anywhere

I don't blame you anyway
And you don't blame me everyday
Because I do it myself everyday
I hate and I hate
Till there is nothing left to relate to.

You know that it's so hard for me to not hate you
And I know how hard it is to be mature
And grow away from you and I
And instead just leave it to I
Me
No one named you

So let's grab all of our pictures
Grab all of the love notes
That turned into liked notes
All of the Facebook anniversary posts.
And let's burn it
All of it
You and I
Make a bonfire so big
All of the memories that we were
And what we thought we were going to be
Will all burn to ashes
And after all flames have gone away
you will look me in the ashes
As we both smirk at each other and say
“Thanks for the memories.”
As we walk our separate ways.

I hate starting poetry lines
I hate lying
I hate the ending of my favorite songs
I hate the beginning of my favorite poems
I seem to definitely hate the beginning of this poem

I hate how paper airplanes
Drift to the ground at some point
Now come think of it
I hate gravity
For letting me
And this **** paper airplane down

I hate love songs from millionaires that get some
And I hate the people that complain that they get none
I hate friends from benefits
Who benefit from my body
And pretend that they benefit from my soul
I hate how time flies by when you're having fun
I hate how time feels slow when I'm feeling alone

I hate when people walk slower than me in crowded hallways
I hate how long my legs are
I hate how stores can't find pants my size
I hate when I can't say the right things
I hate when I say the wrong things
I hate that It makes me feel alone

I hate negative people
I even hate people who are too positive
I'm so positive that it makes me feel negative
Yet I i'm so positive to the fact
That I lie to myself saying to i've moved on
And what I mean from that was from your bed to my couch
And what I mean is that I hate getting distracted
I mean I hate trying to find things to distract me

I hate the smell you give off
And I hate not smelling it
I hate seeing your picture
Yet I hate never seeing it again
I hate that it makes me feel empty
I hate that part of me was left with you.

I'm starting to have trouble finding this sleep.
I'm searching for sheep
So I can count them down
To the corner of rest and relaxation street.
Yet I find something else instead.
I find these places where your name is.
Hiding under all of the demons
I battle daily by seeing you cross my mind.
I try to look elsewhere
Maybe I should look at this melting clock
That keeps laughing at my face,
Every chuckle burns deeply Into newest members
Of the darkest parts of my mind.
I'm being crucified with my own thoughts.
****** yet bounded to the fact
That I just need some ****** sleep.

I'm not alone though.
Someone,
Something just spawned In my room.
Hairy, grotesque, and I can't look away,  
It smells like rotten wood
And the cracks that poison my skull
This
Thing
Starts to ascend towards me
With each breath that I was searching for.
It crawls up my bed
And in the darkest of nights
I am on my own
And here we go

When I saw you walking around,
I really wanted to say something,
Something that would make you turn around
So I can see your intruded red face
Jack frost seemed to be only thing
Touching your lips tonight
As I say something
Something
So I can hear you say something
Yet you wanted to hear nothing
Said nothing
So now I feel like Nothing
As you turn around
Kick up the dust
Inviting the hounds
Of this parking lot
To swallow me whole
Yet I wont think of anyone else
But you

I spray my regrets I spit out in a flask
So I can let them out later
When I get across this Finish Line  
People tend to stare from afar.
It's okay everyone does.
They use their instruments
Trying to decipher who I am.
The only thing they know
Is that we are all on the same starting point.
On this starting line
Waiting for this race to end our racing minds
And before the warning shot starts

I see you.
You start asking me these questions,
Who are you?
What are you?
When did you cross my mind?
Where have you been all my life
Why have I not seen you before?

Oddly enough the last time someone has asked me
These types of questions
Was when someone like you asked
Who do you think you are?
What are you still doing here?
When did you get here?
Where were you?
Why couldn't you be more like him?
Him
Him  

That hymn echos in my ears
To remind me of my daily dosage of bleach
To make my insides feel clean.
So I apologize when I see your beautiful face
And your beautiful Venus flytrap eyes
That lead me into another path just like this one.

The only thing I will tell you is that,
You have to start to run,
Away.
Through these empty streets.
Away from my mind
As my corrupt thoughts
Possess you like these glass bottles
That I hide messages of dark thoughts in
To find out that you should have never said Hello to me.

So turn the other way,
Run
it's okay.
Everyone else does too.

Maybe my drive isn't there,
I need this to drive my drives in this
Non self driving car to some place or to sometime
Where my mind isn't trying to jump start
Every time my heart wishes
To depart from this gas station called Her

******* it who decided to call this Her
Do you hear Her?
The lights are buzzing like a mind
With a Thousand Ideas and nothing to say
Say like I am sorry,
Say It's just not the same.

Say, don't you remember that I need to fill up here,
Im Poring this Creation from the creators hands called my emotions
Watch me as I melt like a carton of crayons,

Melting so quietly,
Calling it the most beautiful of mess I have ever made
As we drive down to the darkest of days.

I feel like i'm restarting my heart
Everytime I see a pair of eyes
That look just like yours,


That pear tree resting where your eyes should be
Makes me think that everything is going to be okay,
Okay,
Okay.

Things are not okay,
Whenever I see your green eyes
All I am paired with
Is that fact that I won't be your pear anymore
I see nothing but sadness
What could I done differently,
Differently,
Differently,

Hang on,
I see these blue eyes
That come at me like a tidal wave
Over all of these barbie dolls we call people  
And maybe just maybe,

I feel like i'm restarting my heart everytime
I see a pair of eyes that look just like yours,
So blue and so pure,
Like the beaches we would beach on our sunday nights,
We have work the next day,
Yes but not now at 3am.
When i'm looking at nothing else but your blue eyes
Hoping that the moon will never fall,
Fall,
Fall.

Why did you watch me fall
From the tallest tower
You knew when to throw the hardest of punches
Harder than any tidal wave crashing against
There is a reason why storms are named after people
And this time that person is you.
Blowing up everything but these memories
On the beaches that have beached my mind.
My mind,
My mind,

Hang on,
I feel like i'm restarting my heart
Everytime I see a pair of eyes
That look just like yours.

I feel like a kitchen appliance
Being used until the newest model comes in from Amazon,
So someone else can steal the Amazon prime light away from your matchstick way
Lighting up the darkest of nights
Melting my worries away
I used to be that way,
I look shiny
And irreplaceable
I never thought you could replace something irreplaceable until I don't know now?
And maybe sure,
My cable is freighted
My blue eyes have more luggage than what it first came here with
It feels like there's more instructions,
More problems
Probably
So now I see this familiar box
Amazon prime logo ready at hand
Knowing that this night is will be my last
This one has brown eyes
And it's cables aren't freighted
Like how you left me jaded
That one won't be outdated, right?
So as you pry me from my throne
I hold as hard as I can
Freighted cable holding onto the wall
With all of my might
Knowing that the only thing that is irreplaceable
Is you.

I have nothing clever to say,
You got me and for that,
I say well done,

You knew what to say when your straw hair
Scared the crows of uncertainty out of me
Leaving nothing but the sound of a unsound heartbeat
Knot knowing when to untangle
And to lay my beautiful brains out on the carpet.

Yet at the right time
you knew when to yank the carpet
From under my flat feet.
Leaving the cold walnut wood floor
For me to be my final resting ground.

You exiled me
From all the demons that pushed out of me
You knew the write thing to scribe
The masterpiece of all endings
By shutting the ****** door
Leaving me with Rime and Uncertainty
Quietly freezing Away
With No Rime or Reason

Let's build a house and make it out of stone.
We will craft it using the Earth
That raised us from the dank ashes of our ancestors,

Many before us tried to build this house,
Yet they failed because they weren't us.
Each stone we put on these walls feels cold in our hands,
Like my dead body that you somehow pulled me from this earth.

We build and build,
Comparing our callous hands.
Even though your hands looked damaged and hideous
I kept looking at your smile,
The way it shines light up our house from afar
We held each other's decrepit hands
And walked towards this beautiful creation we made.
That we would call a home.

I walk through the high ceilings
As pictures of us melt through the blood cherry wallpaper.
Every time I take a breath I can smell our endless nights of laughing
And exhaling the times you kicked me in your sleep.
We held this roof
Through our love of crafting this house.
On this house with me and you.

But that was the past.

So close yet never far enough

I can hear this heart beating in the floorboards,
The sounds vibrates the house
As it gets louder every time
I smell your shampoo on someone else,

I'm scared,
Whenever I glance at the pictures of us all i feel is pain
I tear them down one by one
Like a beast that I have become

And maybe it's only me,
But I feel that the air has changed in this house,
Now whenever I breathe in,
I feel you laughing at the way I sleep
When I exhale, I loose all of the words
That I can use to convince you to come back home
And rest your legs on my lap,

I get closer to the place where you used to draw
I see this sea of darkness
And that heart beating on an island
That’s where you sat there and told me
“I think its time”
I wrestle the murky waters until I hold the last moment
Before you broke my heart.

Something is changing me,
My hands feel too heavy
With this newfound disease that caress my flimsy body.
This veiny structure
That I think are my emotions
Is melting me to the ground
Like the walls build before,
I wish I wish I wish
for things to restart
And depart that other thought
That slipped out off my feeble lips.

You see these lips?
These lips tell no jokes,
See this smile?
It's tired from holding itself up
You see, It’s being held prisoner
From the thoughts you thought about.

Yet all I think about was when you sat there,
Looking both ways to see if you can cross my mind unnoticed:

You definitely didn't.

Now All I have left is this hole you dug me up from,
And all I Ask of you is to put me back where you found me.

Fake gold swirls on this desert floor.
The ashes of my care free innocence
Are running through my pessimistic hands.
It sticks under these rusty finger nails.
Like your last goodbyes,
They leave me with a cynical grin.

"Come for me I dare you!"

My brash wish was under your command,
As my hoarse throat neighed
Questing for relief,
Water,
Anything,
I beg you.
Maybe this request really wasn't mine to offer
My aged eyes roll back
To the games of dice I played as a kid,
Tossing what little worries I had away
As I became
A part of
The sand.

Hello

Sorry for this mess
Shuffled papers turn into seas
Useless ideas and missed apologies
Spread like sour butter
Upon this sea of papers
My madness has grown from the seeds
Scattered on this island,
Each seed is a singularity of our innocence

Watch your feet!
Don't walk in front of the light

These fly traps have not trapped
My ideas buzzing in my hand,
Glued to the pen
Not being able to let it go
Use these bottle of apologizes
As cursed hand writing
Drools across this tombstone
Of my darkest thoughts ,
Wishing them to be killed till dead
By the fan spinning on the ceiling
I'm scared of this burial ground
When I look away
I hear the roars of the song
Use to summon memories
Of sun dresses in the cold
Of my winter heart

Come closer
And come study
About this mess I've made

I wish I could write about this
Yet every sentence
Seems to be a run onn,
Intertwined with the lines
On the road that my mind is drawn to

My phone keeps buzzing
And my mind is shut off
5 missed calls
4 people saying
3 words,
Don't leave us.
The bass of my brash decision
Pushes on my leg,
Reminding me to stay in my lane.
2 times I tried to pull off these vines
That drag me to this train station
Of the dark side of my mind,

I get out of my car,
Hands sweating,
The air seems heavy
As I beckon to the ticket office

I say hi
Yet the ticket clerk looked low to the ground
As she shreds the ticket
From her defunct hair
Causing the gates to limbo adjacent from her open.
I take a deep breath
And I take
1 step forward

Sometimes I wish
This pant dries slower
Around this canvas
That curses my name,
Every drag of smoke
That reaches into my subconscious
Meets my hand
To pen
To ink
To this blank idea,
I guess this is all i got
I curse the lords name
Throwing the pen
Against this yellow wallpaper,

Depression is only called
To the ones who can see
The writing on the walls,
Left in blood red,
Words that make me a victim
Of labeling what it means
To be a victim.

This pen sounds like my mother,
White powder filled with innocent memories
Stick to the keys
She could always conduct
The simplest symphonies
The sting to her words
Wrap the vacuum cord around my neck.
Terrorist apart of the self doubt group called my insecurities
Swing at me like a pinata,
Crucified to my old drafts
Of this blank canvas,

I scream enough I say,
My words cast a light
Through the pen
Shattering this oddly warmer room
I pick up the pen
And write on this canvas

I search my scattered brain
To find the devil
That crawls inside of me,
Each time I see your eyes
This creature of my habits
Wraps itself around my eyes,
Laving me blinder than any of these three mice
That scavenge for food
In the humid swamps of self esteem.

I scare myself.
Why do i keeping seeing this walls
With thick black oils,
Making everything feel colder,
wrapping around my future,
I couldn't see through it
Until I forced my hand
And set my world on fire.

All of the ashes have been swept way
Leaving this frost around the amusement park
Of my sad sad heart
Wishing that the only smile
To shine through the crowds
Would not pass me by.

Yet the light draws itself away,
Leaving me with an empty view.
Watching life pass me by

The sun says its farewell
To the noisy skyline
As I see your eyes
With the moon,

**** her eyes.
All I can think of
As soft folk music
Covers the wall
With its most comfortable tone.

She asks me,
" What you want to do?"
I was forced
To look at my watch
To make sure your eyes
Didn't just stop time.

"Lets go to sleep."

As the lights
Drawl to a close
Around the house
And the sound
Of our breathing
Is the loudest kind of music
Being played.
My eyes quickly adjust.
And,
Well,
There you were,
And you were looking at me,
Like we had night vision
And could see all of our thoughts
Playing charades
In my irises.

"Good lord."

I mutter quietly,
You crank me open
With your eyes lighting up
To see the rest
Of your face a little clearer.
I ask could you sit up for me.
You looked Confused,
I respond with

",I just want to sit and look at you."  
"What do you see?"

Oddly, the hardest question to answer
Because it is so complicated,
I pop my mental knuckles
As I try to interpret
The masterpiece you are.

" Well miss,
I see the places
We will get lost in,
From jungles
In South America,
To desserts In Africa
We will always make dumb mistakes
And we will laugh about them.
I see what it looks like
When Saturn slow dances
With its rings,
Gentle and peaceful
Yet drifting
Through the unknown.
So when I look
Into your eyes,
I see my sorrows of tomorrow
Being laid to asleep
By your invisible super hero cape,
Because you are my hero.
You will save me
From any tree I'm stuck in
And I'll save you
When you find your kryptonite.
So to sum it up,
When I look at you,
I think that
Everything is okay now."

“life shouldn't exist before 10 am”

I muffle this in my pillow
Like a muted microphone,
Cussing out poetry lines,
Frustrated that I have to get up for work.
My eyes crank open to the optimistic sun
In the most unoptimistic way.
Watery and red,
I glance around the room
To find someone to blame,
However all I can find
Os this alarm clock,
Flashing it's lights at me.
That says 6:15,
But I feels like it's nap time for me,
I curl up in bed.

Wait!
The needy child called my job
Is slinking around my wrist
Giving me the urge to be adult like.
Mehh whyyya
Can't I be like the nerds
We make fun of
Who live in basements
And get a home cooked meal every night.
I lift my head up to hear the excuses my head Is making.
“you got student loans remember?
That and….
Car payments
Rent
Utilities?”

Alas, the battle that arouses
Between the trenches in my skull ends,
All of the smoke leaves my head
And pours into the coffee I'll drink.
Left and right side of my brain stop fighting
As I march on to work,
Doing the same thing
Everyone else is doing on this day
And my battle of waking up ends
Before it can rest on it.

You're eyes seem to hypnotize me,
Swaying back and forth
Like clock work
You always know
How to take my breath away
And store it
Where my past
Rages in its prison cell
You locked it away
Leaving my mind free
Of former tales
I made up
With ghost around campfires.
Convinced that you could never exist

But here we are
Sitting across each other
Starring at our thoughts
Thinking about how
Each time I blink,
I pray that you won't leave.
The sound we hear in this moment
Are our eyes
Opening and closing
Eyelids batting its dedicate wings
God never told me
That life could be so calm.
When I'm with you

When I'm not with you
I plan each adventure we will have
Each time is a open book test
On how to adore each other
No failure,
Just innocence
And taking silly photos
Sometimes I wish these photos
Could come alive.
Every time you make the face
The one you are making right now.
I just want to take a photo
Shake the Polaroid
And hope it comes alive
Just like what you did with my dreams

This game is hard
It makes men's hair go gray
And gives women crows feet
That follow them into their thoughts
Staying up late at night
Victims of the game called life

No not the board game
The one that cost you one life
Death plays with the coin
As you step on Legos
Pay taxes
Or even, a Colinoscopy

We become all victims
Of living by the rules
By people
Who have played this game before.
33 pecent of life is sorted to sleep
18 percent for prison,
I mean school and work.
The stuff that people told you to do.

The idea that my life
Was a puzzle
With missing pieces
Sacred me.
But of course
That was before I meet you
You skipped over the mess
I made in the living room
Called my mind.
All of the domino's feel out of place
And the houses of cards
I made fell a part.

When you came to me
You held out your controller
As you asked
If I could be your player 2,
And now my living room is tidy
You could even see the floor!
Now I knew what people ment
When they said
It all falls into place.
The domino effect looks cooler
When it involves you.

As you asked
If I could be your player 2,
I realized that this puzzle
Doesn't look too difficult anymore
Now that I can work it out with you
Your eyes stop me in my tracks
Prettier than any finished puzzle,
I felt complete
When I looked at you.

As you asked
If I could be your player 2,
I looked the numbers again
And realized that 33 pecent
Doesn't sound so bad
If I slept with you
And love, work will never feel like prison.
As long as I know
You will be there when I return.

As you asked
If I could be your player 2,
I felt like death
Gave me a sack of coins
Because the adventures
I'd go on with you,  
Never felt so right
Through valley's and cayons
Through mountains and trees
When I saw your smile
I knew that you would never leave me.

As you asked
If I could be your player 2,
The only thing I could ever say is
Of course.

A red checkered fleece
Wonders through tall oaks
That pose for photos
Waiting to be remembered in time.

Like all of us
We stare at satellites
That try to blend in with city skylines
Praying to the nearest star
That we can be remembered.

Not in the man
In the red checkered fleece though
He practices being mechanical
By repeating the same tasks
Of knocking down
These photogenic trees.

It all is the same you see
Same fleece ,you better believe
Same dirt on his knees
Same dirt that is in his shoes
To remind him
Of his ***** stance
On his actions from his past.

The past isn't the past
If it's accompanied
By the purest of souls.
Each time the trees dance in sync
With the howling winds
He hears the moaning sorrows
Left on his porch side.
On the 3rd of July

Everytime he takes a break
From breaking these trees' dreams,
His hands shake
From his attempts
To cold turkey the drug
Called her eyes.  

His sore veins died in vain
Slithered into these trees,
Hugging the roots of these oaks
That creak from time
That rest on their shoulders

Time
Time is his enemy
As lumberjacks stray from time
As they don't wear watches
When they work
As managers watch watches
To tell them what time to go home However this lumberjack
Slaves over the labyrinth
He created for himself
For the punishment
He feels he deserves.

He digs his tail
Of destruction through these trees.
Hoping that his path to self discipline
Freezes with the autumn snow.

This gun feels heavier
Than it does in my dreams,
The dreams that were constantly interrupted
By ***** of paper with familiar names I am called
By these people I can't show my face around them,

Especially during lunch time
Where I mold into my hunch again,
Don't you dare you call it a crutch again,
As I limp into the familiar stalls
Of this ****** bathroom
Where the **** I scream out platters on the stalls.
I keep praying to those walls
Until the choir next door
Starts balling to the basketball stars in the classrooms
Where they are taught
That everything is going to be okay

This blood feels sadder on my skin,
Each door I lock behind me
Doesn’t seem the muffle the police sirens
That echo through my memories of better times.

I plead once more to the walls
Please oh please!
Until the wrinkles on my knees
Were just as red as my white t shirt,
I don't want paper ***** to be thrown
At the Pinstripes I am forced to wear
Written on the crumbled paper
Would be my failures
That my mother would write to me.
And feed it under my jail cell
To help grow the fact that she failed

So here I am
Praying one more time
To this wall of old stuffed animals
Before the police kick the door in.
I’m praying to find happiness
Regardless of how many happy meals
I by for myself,
No matter how many full metal jackets
I pump out of this Glock
It does not cure me of my hollow heart.
I prayed and prayed
And no matter how many times I crossed my fingers
I could never escape to a better time.

"That is final!"
The last words I say
As I slowly meld all the epilogues
From my favorite stories together
The Last words I have said
To the woman to raised me from the tin cans
That rattle in my brain when I think of her.

Saying I love her
Is the beautiful struggle
I arm wrestling with every day
As I look at the ceiling
Trying to use my eyes
As a cradle for my tears.
Hold them back,
Hold them back,
I say hold them back
Just the ******* gates called shadows
That would would slam her head
Against the door
Because I wouldn't clean my room.

When people ask me about her
I hide the truth under my hoodie
Don't show the truth
Like a weapon
Of awkward conversations
And nervously say,
“Same old same old.”

Forgiveness is only used
With people who like their music on repeat.
I used to subconsciously.
Oh yes,
Played each song perfectly
“Wait I've found your stash
In the same place last month.”
Oh yes I remember that time,
When you were tripping
Over the bottles that held memories
Of when you said
That you would quit
The liquid demons this time

"This time"
The only song I'm thinking of
When I'm thinking
“Mom why are you pouting
On the floor of the market,
You’re 48?”

Her demons constantly grab at my ankles,
Whispering it won’t happen again.
Yet here I am,
Running from the missed calls on my phone,
Sitting in this vacant apartment,
Terrified that I made the wrong decision
Of starting over.

I force myself
To endoure the treck to my past,
The source of why
I don't leave
My vacant cave at night.
Every now and then,
I scavenge this place
We called our playground
Looking, searching
For last batch of complements
To motivate my ego
To treck these tragic events
That partook in this place.

Every streetlight
That pierces the night
Reminds me of the new fashion trend
I picked up called loneliness.
I wish I could take
This coat of depression off of me.
No how many times
I can't shake the feeling
It sticks on me like the Elmers glue
That I stuck to my hands in preschool.

I wish this conflict would subside
Through the silence.
All I can do now
Is climb this familiar path,
Draped over the clouds
Where I can't see my future for
Miles, miles,miles.
Just being stuck in the crevice
That wispers in the wind,
"I'm not as magnificent
As you thought I was"

I slave over slabs of stone
To practice the art
Of being called an artist,
Falling behind consistently
Has taught me
That no many slabs
I slay by your bedside
And pray by every book
I will keep getting trophies
For showing up

Please, oh please!
Could I be good enough?
Yet the howls of the titans
That rest on my subconscious
Screeching on the windowsill on my cranium
That I'm not good enough

Funny
The Mating calls
These gods cry out to my fate
Reminds me of my mother.
Calmly mentioning the same phrase
When she threw my PS2
Down the hollow stair cases
That lead up to my innocence,
Teaching me that life isn't a game,
No matter how many times
I would reset it.
It would keep playing
The same thing.
Why oh Why
Do you fall short.

Why am I not good enough
To be remembered?
No matter what I scream
I seem to be stuck in this bubble of
Who?
Whats his name?
I keep forgetting
That I was targeted
As being Incredibly forgettable.
For my punishment
I shall sit there

Wait what?
How Was I going to finish this again?

I saw his name again,
Plasterd on my mind
Like the cast around my heart.
Doctors told me 4-6 weeks
For my heart to mend back
To the way it was.
Yet it seems
That when I was in comotose
From what you have done,
They switched out my heart
With a counterfeit one
And now,
It makes me feel
Different.

I loved to be used for your ambitions
To meld myself into strange poses
To make you, happy
Until you find someone else
Who can make a stranger pose
To make your new instrument
Hold your hand tighter.

"I don't see the big deal here."
That quote seems to harmonize
With ny biggest fears
Locked away with the smells
Of not being good enough.

Love is on the move,
It drags its callous feet
Carving valleys,
Scooping out the ability
To sleep at night
Because wait,
You heard that right?
I swear my phone just rang.
My mind needs to be a inhaler
So I can learn
On how to breath again.

This tale of sorrow
Isn't portraying forgiveness,
Yet it's how I opened the gates,
Not knowing
That she would blow up
The entire wall.

Bar stools shuffle
With the 80's music blaring.
The mans eyes peer
To the hall of fame infront of him, He prays that his skin could glisten
Like the bottles
That absorve the laughter in the bar.
However this man can find the laughter Rven through the cut on his hand
Laughter couldn't find a way in.
The doesn't remember
Where it came from
The only thing he knows
Is that it stings whenever he mentions
The photo in his wallet.
Bartender notices the yellow eyes
Lost in the memories
Under each bottle cap that is sealed under glass,
And shipped off
To float to some island
That is clear across his brain.

"Can I help you sir?"
"Another drink"

Come with me
On a quest to the end
Of this chapter of my book.
Each page is ripped and wrinkled
Because sadness
Doesn't come with tissues.

The issues
Swirl around
In this snow storm.
You can hear it
When you're hair is my mouth
And your head
Lays on my heartbeat.
Can you feel it through the tissue?
My bones pop like fireworks
Dancing under the hope
That filled my lungs.
Hope couldn't float
On the ice crystals
That left this barricade
As I trek
Through this snow storm,

I wish this coffin
Would have room for one more
No not one more person,
Just the memories
That peer around
Every dream I am tortured with.

You see,
My mind is trying to find out
Why I took the plunge
And let you use my notes
On the test
On how to break my heart.

My eyes are dressed
In a nightmare black
So no one can see through them.
No one can see what you could.
The blinds are shut
And nobody is home
As I keep creaking around
This snow storm.

Dear Walmart Girl,

I apologize for not having the guts
To say  hello to you
Like the hollow bamboo men
Who grow on you passing by each day,
Acting like you don't deserve the time of day
Ashamed of shopping at a Walmart.

But there I was,
Staring at you
Trying to find the words
To tell you are the most beautiful woman I've even seen
Through the sea of these bamboo people.
Your eyes of green shot through my stormy mind
And found a temporary paradise.
A place where
Even though a tiara isnt apart of the dress code for Walmart,
I would treat you like a princess.
And when my heart fades away,
The diamonds from my heart
Will escape from the coal
Called my ex's that never went to Walmart.

I apologize for staring at my black shoelaces,
I guess I was tied to the fact
That a women like you didnt exist.
But all I said was thank you
As I turned to the exit,
Recipt in one hand
And defeat in the other.
I couldn't come up with a pick up line
Or drop a complement.
All of the worlds
Were lost in the woods
Of the transaction.

Whats worse
Saying hello the last time
Or introducing myself

Eyes glued
To the unknown parts
Of the ground
Not knowing
That you would be the reason
I write poetry.
The reason
I cant go back to sleep
In the early hours
Or the reason I fall in the woods
And no one
Hears my screams
But only in your dreams
Is where you will find them.

There they are.
Slowly drinking diet coke
Until It dies.
Way to play your part
On making me a better person,
I just wished
You could of taken it eaiser
On the low blows
And the jabs you took
Which gave my heart
3rd degree burns
Which were scrapped
On the closed roads
Of my weaknesses.

Can you please talk quieter?
I'm still trying
To find the reasons
Why I took that pill
To follow your rabbit self
Into the swiss chess
Called your logic.

Now I sit here thinking
What felt better
Saying goodbye
The first time
Or saying good riddance
The last time.

Freedom isnt free
Unless you're blood is clean.
Royal families trot over starving prisoners
Of people trying to have a better life,

 "This is America!"
Their hums fall over bums in Hollywood,
Look at them.
Fake as Hollywood watches on stands.
As the homeless attempts to scream out reality
To kids who wear their beats on.
They been liking this song
By the auto tunes
And really like the lyics
Written by someone.

"Lets not talk about that"
They chant this over their GMO's
And their MSG's splattered over fine china.
Pouting over becky's text
While the family puts on their mask
Of giving a ****.

What im trying to preach
Is that we are glued to ourselves
So we can ignore
The sticky situations around us

My book is running out of chapters,
So I keep going back
To the chapter
Where my last goodbyes were said to my childhood.

People say things seem to change
Yet the addresses
Of were your tombstone lives on stays the same.
Your house is draped over the clouds
That hover over the playgrounds.

They say it's cloudy
With a chance of the murky addiction
Crawling up your arm
Like the pin needles you used
To sew up my favorite blanket.

Now my blanket is in purgatory
After I saw you bleeding out on the couch
Wondering where did she go.
The chapters in my book
Doesn't recognize the mother
Who flirts with suicide on her gravestone,
Yet she kisses my wounds
And hold me tightly through stormy nights.

My childhood walked into the room
Witnessing the crime of saving her life
By wrapping this familiar stranger's ****** arms up.

"Where is she?"
"Where is my momma?"
I whipe the tears'
" Momma doesnt live here anymore."

As I see you
Laying next to me
As the ghost
That never seemed to fade
Away from the
Destroyed shine of you
In my ajar mind
I was spooked
Like a child
I ran away
From what you spoke of,
Words I thought
You would never produce
Out of your vocabulary
I remeber words
Tripping out of your mouth
And into the treadmill
Of my mind.
Still running
Cutting deep,

Packing my bags
Was the hardest part
Of living with you.
Not the scratch marks
Left on my cage
It was the idea
That no matter how many bags I packed
I couldnt slow down those words.

You see,
You are my past.
Standing as the brick wall
In my future.
No matter how black and white I am,
You, my past
Will find the murky gray spots
On the crack of my skull
And keep running on this treadmill

Hey mom,
I wish I could have stuck around
So you could have taught me
On how to be a better man,
Yet I ran
From the shadows
That grabbed onto my feet.
Momma you called it the past,
Yet I see it as my psychological jail sentence
For the mistakes ive made,
My ego was shattered
And dug deep into the roots
That twist along my body

Hey mom,
I wrote you this soft poem
To let you know
That I've never seen hunger
Like this ground
That dispatches of my skin,
This shollow resting ground
Is a lot smaller than my room.
I do not search for apologies or answers
To my last questions,
I found those blowing in the wind
Next to were my last breaths were sung