Paper and Pen
Has always been
My weapon of choice
Carrier of my voice
My comfort, my escape
Here on the page;
I feel most safe.



Still somedays I wonder
If only my voice could speak
As articulately
Perhaps the world could be
Just as meant for me...



So maybe.
I'll just try, a little
To speak out
With words that are not brittle.

You sneak up on me
Grab my waist tightly
Hold me in your arms;
Crush me.

This isn't beautiful
Or romantic
It's broken, it's faulty;
A slippery *****
And I'm falling

This time though
I know.
I see the signs
I paved the way
I'll just keep pushing
Toward another day;
For you will not stay.

I admire the Sunflower
Who faces that Flaming Star
And grows despite the burning
Who stands tall amongst the weeds
Radiating light
Even in the harshest rains

It's not the end of me.
It was
A punch to the gut,
Throw me in a rut
Kind of feeling
If you must know
I did cry
Much like the day we met
But just as you've said
I know I've grown since
3 whole years have passed
It felt so fast
Growing with you as I did
I'd never be here now
If you hadn't stepped in

So I thank you,
For all the days
Though you were paid
You cared all the same
My greatest teacher
Biggest cheerleader
We had something grand
But now
It's all in my hands

I wish you the best
Your aid I'll never forget
With love, Gin.

I'm trying to be bubbly
But my mind it keeps mumbling
Then my stomach starts rumbling
I try to ensure you I'm serious
Yet the words fall from my mouth, delirious

The pen marks the page
Only scribbles remain
Unsure what to do
So I sit in disdain
Need to erase all the pain
Maybe dance in the rain
....
It all conflicts in my brain!

Why can't I write?
Is it in spite?
Was poetry a mere mechanism to cope,
Is there no hope?

Maybe I'm full of it
Nearly at the end of my rope,
How can words express
When I'm not a mess
Outside of the nothingness,
What even is happiness
Still learning, still yearning
Excited for what's next
Maybe that's all it is.

I'll peel the peaches one by one
And slice them when the peeling's done
I'll cook them down in sugar brown
And in the syrup you'll surely drown
Atop the peaches I will cook
A lovely cobbler in which you'll be hooked

We'll sit together then
Both hopeful that it never ends
We laugh, we smile, make amends
Sisters, friends, it all makes sense
We're happy now, in this moment

Though I must admit I never liked
The peaches that you hold so high
Still I find this cobbler fine
As it brings together you and I
….Even if it's all a lie

If I make a wish, it all comes true
Could I still be me and you be you?
I just don't think it'd work at all
One of us would have to fall
And I'm unwilling now to break
To mend all of your aching weight

Perhaps it's best we put it to rest
This Cobbler, a lie, was all a jest
A wishful thought, a helping hand
One I knew would never land
Still I can dream, a dream again
At some point maybe I'll forget...

I fear,
Worry heavily over,
Realizing my dream
My passion, my drive
"Too late"
But, I must ask myself
When exactly
Is too late??
Ten years from now?
Twenty?
Or is too late tomorrow,
Or next week?
Because some days
It feels that way
And days like today
I wonder,
If there even is such a thing..

Maybe when I'm gone
Once my bones decay
It will be too late
Yet even then,
Someone might just
Remember it.

I think
What breaks my heart the most
Isn't the abuse,
It isn't the lies, or the
Gaslighting,
No,
It's probably the fact
That you'll never see us
The way I did.

We could never have been
Because you never
Ever
Wanted it to be.

I've been building you for years now
Careful, poised and true
Ive coded in your feelings
And every single bruise
Ive etched in each memory
With the finest blades,
It was all to keep you safe

But its time I think
For some major upgrades
There's so much we need to change...

Your positivity needs an update
It was hacked by pessimism long ago
And it's infected everything
So it all needs to go.

Let's add more sunshine, more rainbows
Everything beautiful, that's where it goes.

Im overriding your worries
They've spammed your mind too much
They're meant to be small warnings,
Not an unnecessary clutch.

Let's take them down a notch
And insert some wisdom instead
Quotes and memories and poetry
To serve you through the worrying.

We can add a music function
For when the world becomes too much
Just listen to the sounds
To keep you sane and such.

I suppose we should also
Talk about tomorrow
We've lived on yesterday far too long
Always expecting by tomorrow We'd be gone

It's about time we look forward
So I've added in some goals
Some plans for you
To work towards.
Of course I promise rewards.

I'll schedule regular maintenance
From now on
Because you deserve
To be cared for.
Even on the days you feel
Far too gone.

Who were you then, I wonder still
A quiet boy with a twisted world view
While always looking down,
Somehow you showed us all the sky..
Refused to take your own advice
Then killed yourself so many times

Peas and pods, they're all the same
People, peasants, God's to blame
You're a fraud
You're a fraud
I know I know I know
Every word you spoke
Candied lies and bitter truths
But you numbed the pain, oh the pain..
How come you show up every time it rains...

I feel a warmth within me
But my head, it is spinning
My back, turned from the world
Cold and Desolation surround me
Creeping closer each time I blink
Still, my heart beats.
Slow, Cautious, and Low...
Can this warmth within me
Still Grow?

Not enough verses.
Not enough rhymes.
Not enough comments
Not enough likes.
Delete. delete. Delete.

The words I prided myself in
That won no awards
That were not good enough
To be heard.
Delete. delete. Delete.

Embarrassing thoughts
Of a younger me.
A silly child
Is now all I see.
But clearly
I'm more lost now
Than I was then
And maybe that angers me.
Delete. delete. Delete.

Will I write again?
Probably not.
I've lost my passion.
My words only rot.
They can no longer shine
Or comfort me.
Delete. delete. Delete.

It may be selfish
Maybe somebody saw
And felt something,
Anything at all.
Anger, joy, static,  relief.
Though I'm sure that's
Not the case with me.
Delete. delete. Delete.

It's over.
Done.
Been and gone.
Me.
And my time with
Poetry.

And here I am,
Pressing on repeat,
Delete. delete. Delete.

Silent despair,
wandering there.

You see it everyday;
a hopeless entity
pretending to be
of any substance,

When in reality,
they've been reduced
to Nonexistence.

I am merely a thought
Caged inside flesh and bone
Simply an idea,
Which two other thoughts had
So what happens, then
When my cast gives in
Once my bones decay
And wrinkles collapse my skin
I suppose, Thoughtless, I'll be...
Perhaps then I'll truly be free

I'm such a mess
I must confess
I spilled the cherries
On my dress
Poured everywhere
So crimson red
And sickly sweet
Splashed on my arms
Down to my knees
What can I do
It's drowning me
Oh help me please;

Wait nevermind
It's kind of nice
Maybe I'll stay
I'm sure it's fine
I shouldn't whine
These times are mine
My dress might stain
But the pain will fade
This memory
Won't be so grey
I'm sure, someday
I'll softly think
"It's been a while"
So for now
I'll sink

Are you toxic or broken
Misunderstood or clearly spoken
Are you fragile, reckless or both
...Is there still hope?
I know I can't save you
Can't bail you out
I can't carry you a single step of the way
But can I perhaps
Support the change?
Can I be present for you
Can I show you grace
Could I perhaps just
See again, your smiling face?
If I stopped here, and waited a while
Would that be okay
Could you understand
My need to keep you at bay
Because I love you, I do
But I'm so afraid
To be hurt again
I'm scared to know you
But that's all I want, too.

Wanted to fix you
Gave you all the love I had
It left me broken

Still if i could just
Save you, then I would break one
Thousand times, again.

I know you want to hurt me
Convince me I was wrong
But honey I am certain
Ive become far too strong

I gave you every chance
You didn't give a ****
Took you out the depths of hell
You crawled right back in again

I sorted through our ashes
To find our missing pieces
I gave them all to you
Hoping you'd solve your puzzle
Hoping you'd change the tide
What the **** happened
To breaking the cycle
To end it all with you and I

I hear every tear that falls
But you're so far in your denial
You won't pick up the calls
So keep sharing all this nonsense.
Keep pretending that you're fine
I'll be here always
When it comes that time.

I grow tired
But growth is being done
I stand, weary eyed
Still standing though, aren't I

My mind it tries to fool me
Play off my fragility
What she doesn't know
My hearts become full of hope

It's beating quiet
And sometimes slow
But it's there, that I know
That's all I need to grow

I fidget with anxious thoughts
A troubled mind
She'll tell me awful things
And she'll whisper little lies

"You are not good enough
You will not win
You'll never find your joy
Or Passion

Not beautiful
Untalented, unbright
Crooked girl with crooked mind

A silly child
On a dead end road
Full of fool's gold

Lackluster,
Growth only leads
To withering

Forget this slippery *****
Drop your empty hope,
You are not good enough!"

But I know
These thoughts are merely
Here to protect me
To convince me not to grow
Because growing means
Hurting
And change

Growing means everything
Must be rearranged
And that's scary, I know
But it's something we must do to cope

So quiet down, my mind
I know you think you're being kind
But heart and mind together
We could be so much greater

And I know no matter what
We'll grow through the rough
So lean on me a little
Let this heart beat
For both of us

Death would be too kind
See there's a special place
A certain hell for kids like you and I
Genies, or maybe genius
It doesn't exist, we can't fake it
And once again I can't explain..
You just can't take it
No matter how many ways I
Try to tell you the facts,
I was just changing masks
A new day, a new face,
You never even tried, It felt like
Never even cared to look past
To find what was underneath
And it's taken me captive, so long ago
Can't remember How long I've been gone
Still you believed in whatever you saw
I knew, but just couldn't prove you wrong
So I tore myself apart
Dug to the deepest trenches of this tattered heart
I broke all of the masks,
Untied every knot in my cluttered mind
Only to find
There was nothing inside.

Gently floating in my dreams, weightless, only as I sleep..
Lost easily, and often, if only my voice could reach..
And so I stand, waiting for
Something unknown, something unheard of..
Sharp as a blade, yet somehow, I remain weaker.

Like a worn hair tie,
They say you'll bounce back
But by then
You're all stretched out
And oddly shapen
You'll never quite fit
Into that old mold again
You'll be forever different.
Maybe even better
Maybe.
Even.
Better.

I always wondered
How far I could go
If I ran and left home
How much could I take
Before I would break..

Now I always wander
Keep drifting further
Away from that place
Without the pain
Eclipsing me..

I'm floating along with the sea
The water enveloping me
I trust that she knows the way
As I fall apart under her waves
Wandering...

My honest sincerity
Mixed with your cynical glare
Makes a certain kind of beauty
That causes quite a flare
I wonder how long,
At your scarce smiles,
I could stare.
So beautiful, there.

I look to you,
As you look to me
And you and I,
A bittersweet solidarity.

Breathe in, breathe out
You say your clock  is running out
Steadfast, don't shout
Even though you're falling down


Breathe out, breathe in
Aren't you ready to begin?
One step, then two
Now skip back a few
Stumble hard, just start anew

Breathe
Just breathe
I'm begging you, please
Please breathe

I only conjure sweet words
When the world is
Hushed and indistinct
I ponder if I am a creature of the night

But I am simply restless
And these words are mere distractions
From all of the pain I'm feeling
Another wall I've painted eloquently

To convince myself
This isolated, sunless world
Is more enchanting
Than anything reality
Could ever grant me.

I wonder
The words you poured
Down my throat,
Were they supposed to be sweet...
Or poison?

It's so hard to explain my grief
Because life with you made me meek
Once an outspoken, strong-willed, creative girl
Turned quiet, despondent,  afraid of the world
All because you swore it was bleak
The world would never have sight of me.
Your "star child", your "shadow"
Perfect, smart, talented and divine
But those were just lies
To keep up your guise
At home I was weak, tired, pathetic and lazy
You did everything for me
But you were sure
To never let me learn.

Learning meant growing
And growing meant leaving
Bursting out of my cage
Growing meant you didn't have a narrative
So I didn't get to learn skills
One would think were imperative

I stopped hoping for growth
Became complacent,
I held up my end of our unspoken oath.
Still, I tried to get out of it
Time and time again
But death never did win.
I began to hate
I chose everything not to be you
Still i couldn't leave you
Still you were my mother.
Even though you caused my aching,
I refused to leave the woman who made me.

And I knew you'd never do the same
Yet I remained
To help you pick up the pieces
But youd never take blame
You'd say I was deranged
I was just playing games
When you were the one who put these rules in place.

But I know better now
That person you became,
Was all a symptom of a much bigger play..

You thought I hadn't noticed it..
Your remedy, your medicine.
You hid in a bottle,
You'd swear the doctor said so
But it was killing you
You said in time
It would fix everything
But we didn't get time, did we?

That day, I found you
Cold and blue.
Frozen in place, like ice.
I held your hand
For the very last time...

I finally put the pieces together mother
You were dependent
On medicine
Finding the perfect cure
For your brokenness
But in the end,
You just broke us.

I set off on a journey
On which I'd find my soul
Or so that was my hope
What I found was much more

I struggled on the narrow bridge
They called Vulnerability
I'd locked myself away
Even I didn't know me

When I opened up the door,
What remained were tiny shards
Of a person once there
But never quite untorn

I picked my favorite pieces
And stuck them where they fit
But the image they created..
I didn't recognize it

So I went to the deepest depths
Through the caves of doubt
I crept
I dug till there was nothing left
And when I found it so
I wept

Not for the lack of findings
But for the lack of doubt
I held onto my courage
And even I had made it out

The next hurdle was a mountain
We called it Motivation
Along the climb I'd find
The smallest fragments of my mind

One's that urged me
"Keep smiling,
Keep searching,
Keep growing"

Soon I reached
The castle of dreams
It was quite tired, worn
Long forgotten I'm sure
I searched among its treasures
And lost secrets I had learned

Next I had to jump
Take a leap of faith
Into the ocean of change
I had to accept the waves
And gently they led me
Not once astray

When I landed
I had an epiphany
This journey is never ending
Not until I am done for
This tale is not already written.
It is mine to finish.

Maybe there is no one to blame
Perhaps your feelings have no name
Dear it might be you that you fear
Everything is changing, you're desperate to adhere
But someday the walls will fall apart
It was decided from the very start
Nothing lasts forever, love
Not unless you try far and above
And even then, it is still unknown
Because our lives are not cast in stone
There will be hazards, breaks and floods
And in the end, those scars are what create us

So much has happened since
You left us in the wind
From a tragic ending
A whole new life was able
To begin

If you could see me now
The smile on my face..
I fear you'd fly off in a rage
Swallow the key to my cage
No, I suppose if you were here
I'd never experience life this way

Who would have thought
The world could be so lovely
Unpainful, unalarming
Hardly the awful things you'd swore me

I want to wish
That you were here
But it's impossible, that's clear
It was either you
Or it was me.
Somebody had to leave..

I'm just glad I got to see
The world you hid from me.
I'm better now
Than I would have ever been.
I just wish, If you could see,
You'd be happy for me.

Ps.
I loved you, mother.
I did.