Like a worn hair tie,
They say you'll bounce back
But by then
You're all stretched out
And oddly shapen
You'll never quite fit
Into that old mold again
You'll be forever different.
Maybe even better
Maybe.
Even.
Better.

Are you toxic or broken
Misunderstood or clearly spoken
Are you fragile, reckless or both
...Is there still hope?
I know I can't save you
Can't bail you out
I can't carry you a single step of the way
But can I perhaps
Support the change?
Can I be present for you
Can I show you grace
Could I perhaps just
See again, your smiling face?
If I stopped here, and waited a while
Would that be okay
Could you understand
My need to keep you at bay
Because I love you, I do
But I'm so afraid
To be hurt again
I'm scared to know you
But that's all I want, too.

It's so hard to explain my grief
Because life with you made me meek
Once an outspoken, strong-willed, creative girl
Turned quiet, despondent,  afraid of the world
All because you swore it was bleak
The world would never have sight of me.
Your "star child", your "shadow"
Perfect, smart, talented and divine
But those were just lies
To keep up your guise
At home I was weak, tired, pathetic and lazy
You did everything for me
But you were sure
To never let me learn.

Learning meant growing
And growing meant leaving
Bursting out of my cage
Growing meant you didn't have a narrative
So I didn't get to learn skills
One would think were imperative

I stopped hoping for growth
Became complacent,
I held up my end of our unspoken oath.
Still, I tried to get out of it
Time and time again
But death never did win.
I began to hate
I chose everything not to be you
Still i couldn't leave you
Still you were my mother.
Even though you caused my aching,
I refused to leave the woman who made me.

And I knew you'd never do the same
Yet I remained
To help you pick up the pieces
But youd never take blame
You'd say I was deranged
I was just playing games
When you were the one who put these rules in place.

But I know better now
That person you became,
Was all a symptom of a much bigger play..

You thought I hadn't noticed it..
Your remedy, your medicine.
You hid in a bottle,
You'd swear the doctor said so
But it was killing you
You said in time
It would fix everything
But we didn't get time, did we?

That day, I found you
Cold and blue.
Frozen in place, like ice.
I held your hand
For the very last time...

I finally put the pieces together mother
You were dependent
On medicine
Finding the perfect cure
For your brokenness
But in the end,
You just broke us.

I've been building you for years now
Careful, poised and true
Ive coded in your feelings
And every single bruise
Ive etched in each memory
With the finest blades,
It was all to keep you safe

But its time I think
For some major upgrades
There's so much we need to change...

Your positivity needs an update
It was hacked by pessimism long ago
And it's infected everything
So it all needs to go.

Let's add more sunshine, more rainbows
Everything beautiful, that's where it goes.

Im overriding your worries
They've spammed your mind too much
They're meant to be small warnings,
Not an unnecessary clutch.

Let's take them down a notch
And insert some wisdom instead
Quotes and memories and poetry
To serve you through the worrying.

We can add a music function
For when the world becomes too much
Just listen to the sounds
To keep you sane and such.

I suppose we should also
Talk about tomorrow
We've lived on yesterday far too long
Always expecting by tomorrow We'd be gone

It's about time we look forward
So I've added in some goals
Some plans for you
To work towards.
Of course I promise rewards.

I'll schedule regular maintenance
From now on
Because you deserve
To be cared for.
Even on the days you feel
Far too gone.

I'm trying to be bubbly
But my mind it keeps mumbling
Then my stomach starts rumbling
I try to ensure you I'm serious
Yet the words fall from my mouth, delirious

The pen marks the page
Only scribbles remain
Unsure what to do
So I sit in disdain
Need to erase all the pain
Maybe dance in the rain
....
It all conflicts in my brain!

Why can't I write?
Is it in spite?
Was poetry a mere mechanism to cope,
Is there no hope?

Maybe I'm full of it
Nearly at the end of my rope,
How can words express
When I'm not a mess
Outside of the nothingness,
What even is happiness
Still learning, still yearning
Excited for what's next
Maybe that's all it is.

I think
What breaks my heart the most
Isn't the abuse,
It isn't the lies, or the
Gaslighting,
No,
It's probably the fact
That you'll never see us
The way I did.

We could never have been
Because you never
Ever
Wanted it to be.

I wonder
The words you poured
Down my throat,
Were they supposed to be sweet...
Or poison?