She is my moon and sun
She pulls my tides
And brings heat to my skin
She fills my darkness
And brightens my skies
And even when there are clouds
I know she is there
Waiting for the storm to fade
For the earth to turn
So I can see
Yet another side of her

i know he's not mine
has never been mine

but i wanna be his favorite
the kind of girl he'll never forget
i wanna be the kind of girl
that you can't help but regret
i know i'm nothing special
just another ex
but godfuckingdammit
i wanna be the best

always fighting that urge for control
the urge to break a heart and hold it just out of reach
pull people in and then push them back
keep them just far enough, so they cant help but stay
without ever touching me, or breaking my heart
and turning out more and more
empty, angry, painful people
just. like. me.

endorphins flood my mind
bubbling up behind my eyes
in vivid blues, greens, and pinks,
setting every nerve on edge
solid pounding through my veins
pushing lava to the surface
lighting it on fire
heating the soft trails
your fingers leave on my skin.

(okay so i understand if you cant source these things naturally but its much better if you do)

so my go-to tea base is a blend of rose hips, allspice, and chicory for general good vibes

and for nice winter-y vibes this solstice you can add cinnamon sticks, clove, and dried orange peels for added comfort and prosperity in the new year

i made this week difficult.

i was struggling with myself and i made it hard for you too.
i turned nothing into problems
and blamed those problems for my ****-ups.

i hurt you
and i knew i was hurting you
and i did it anyway.

i said things
and made you sound like the bad guy

but i was a *****.

and im sorry.

I think you're beautiful
In a way I've never experienced beauty before

nothing but dead air
for so long
the radio static
hums loud and strong

i'd **** myself

not suicide, no, even that isn't enough
for all that i've done.

no, i'd rip myself
limb from limb
tear the muscles
that bind my long slender legs
let metal and body meet
shatter the bones that cross
inside my scarred arms
i'd tear out my ugly heart
douse it in kerosene
watch it burn and melt
bubble and turn black
i'd take the stomach
sunken deep inside
cut it lovingly apart
and feed it to the devil
i'd take razor to skin
dig out my empty eyes
shave off my pretty lips
mutilate my lovely face
til the only thing left
is pink and white
burns and scars
like the ones inside

unknown i follow you
quietly in the dark
listen to your every word
the sound of L's and S's
slipping off your tongue
the curve of your chin
the edge of your jaw
the slight dip in your temple
the arc of your brow
every detail
in perfect clarity
unknown i cherish it
relish in it, even
until each finite drop has been lapped up
by my guilty, relentless eyes

it was never love
it was a little kid
obsessed with the image
of sunshine and ivy vines
of summer nights and hugs so tight
that he'd lose his breath forever
and become a god himself
it was the dream
of an abused child
a dream of a love that was endless
and unerring and true

for once
i agree
i think we are better
as nothing at all
im happier now
and i'll let you be the same
no harm done
in doing nothing at all

lost is blue
like the ocean
and your eyes
deep is love
yet solitary
beautiful
broken

it is so hard to know what you want,
what you're trying to say.
you're like a little bug with wings
that won't quit bumping into my eyes
and buzzing in my ear.
but a cute bug
one that reminds me of the ocean and summer camp and being in love.
i would put you a a mason jar
with holes in the top,
so you can breathe. (duh)
and i would take you to my favorite fields
and alleys and stores.
show you all the things that make me happy
and try to make you happy too.

but i dont think
you would like being in a jar.
even one with holes in the top.

i am a person
built out of lies
look close and you'll see
the decaying of my mind
years of my own mediocrity
has put a fog over my eyes

i'm nothing special
nothing big, nothing great
i'm not even good
i'm something to hate

my skin is a traitor
flaming and red
hot to the touch
leaving invisible scorch marks
on everything i touch
directly opposing
the chill inside
the freezing cold
of my careless mind

since Dec. 6 2019
i've been sick

im still a kid
rambling on and on
about the ways of the moths
******* im a freak
and i just wanna scream
i like pretty colors and pretty girls
in baggy sweaters and silly earrings
i just wanna be me
and let her love that me
i wanna laugh with her and drink peach tea
i wanna spend every night
laughing at her and blushing like mad
i wanna go places, and hold her hand the whole way
me in all my glamorous dramatics
and her quietly tolerating me
i wanna be her big dumb baby
and call her my darling girl

i want to be loved
and held
and helped
i want to be
something small
to carry around in a lovers pocket
like a rock
a nice smooth
nearly round rock
like a squished oval in shape
i want someone to look at me
for hours
discovering and observing
but never judging
i want someone
who sees the cracks in my stone skin
and runs their thumb over them
cherishing the contrast
from light to dark
i want the tiny dimples and spots on my face
to be seen like glittering minerals
embedded in stone
trapped from years of movement and change
i want someone to look at me
and see my journey
appreciate the things hidden within

i want to be loved
the way i loved
when i was still young
and fun

alone before
was quiet
and sad, yes,
but mostly just
me.
alone was just me, by myself
alone.

alone after
is deafening
not just alone
but the absence
of everything
or anything
alone after
is loss

its not that i don't love you
(although i really don't)
it's that i can't keep hating myself for you
i cant keep saying im sorry

once upon a time

there was a bear
who was hungry and lost
and alone.

the bear trundled about a field
of wildflowers
smelling the sweet breeze
and hearing the buzz
of the bees.

one bee landed
on the tip of his nose
she was tired
she hated her job
she felt like she didn't fit
into her hive.

the bee saw the bear
and the bear saw the bee
and they saw each other's sadness.

the bee continued to come to the field
to gather nectar
hoping to see the bear again.

eventually they became friends
and they learned things about each other
the bear looked rough
but he was gentle and kind
and the bee looked small
but her sting was fierce.

the bee loved the bear
but she never thought he could love her back.

she was a bee from a farm
and he came from the woods.

but hope bloomed in the bees heart
when he said
he loved her back
and she vowed to be his
through it all.

she stayed by his side
through the winter when he slept
and in return he stayed by hers
when summers were too hot
and nectar too heavy.

lets get away from this field
said the bear
we can find somewhere vast
and floral and buoyant with life.

the bee went.

they discovered long streams
and slept in dark valleys
and they traveled the world

because the bear loved the bee
and she loved the bear
and they both loved
honey

hop skip jump
to the worst conclusions
she doesn't like you
he's going to leave you
they all despise you
you're the worst
anxiety and paranoia
tickle my brain 24/7
til' i hate myself
and you too

this one goes out to all the moms
that lost themselves
that gave up hope
or never had any at all
all the moms that left their kids here
all alone on this sick earth
without a heart to lean on
or half a mind to trust
this is to all the moms
that broke their sons heart
or made a girl impossible to love
this to our moms
and to these moms
i say

*******

i dont want to be pretty or perfect
i dont want to be loved
or held close and adored
i dont want to be her world
her sunshine, her favorite person

i dont want people to depend on me
it hurts too much to let them down

i dont want those memories back
of being wrong, feeling evil and disgusted with myself
i never want to see those guilty scars
the ones i used to write anger on my arms

i dont want to hate myself
which means i cant let anyone love me

i like it at the bottom of the ocean
even if i drown
at least i cant feel the waves
tossing me around