i want to write
but it feels like  the things i want to say are in a another language
that even i can't understand
its not a bad thing
i dont think
just...
strange i guess.

all of you
drive me mad
and the angry things
make me sad
why must we all
be so bad
being hateful to one another
is a new fad
being rude for no reason
is totally rad

wandering
through space and time
no
through my house
from one room to the next
knowing it isn't my home

wondering
who will be next
to fall under my blade
who can i hurt
more than the last

but the beauty of it is
eventually
you learn how to live without love
and when you're alone
the only person you can hurt is
you

deep breaths
calming down
get a fist around your emotions
think about them
discuss with them
get rid of the unnecessary ones
no more panicking
no more breaking down
lets get this together
and rise up

challenging my own thoughts
battling my own mind
it isn't all-or-nothing
i will not overgeneralize
the positive things are there
not jumping to conclusions
just because i feel it, doesn't mean it's true
no regrets, only now
i can do this
i can get better

taking things
truly
one step at a time

things have been rough
and you caught me at a bad time
but i might just be
better
now.

things are still hard
but the struggle fells worth it
now.

i don't have to fall in love

i'm happy

i don't need anyone to "love" me
in order to validate myself

i know that i am good
i am strong and beautiful and kind
i am complex and thoughtful and wise
i am a woman...

and i don't have to fall in love.

i kind of realized
that i kind of hate you

not because of a broken heart
or some stupid teenage drama story

but because honestly,
all of my life i have been above that

you made me something i wasn't

and i kind of hate you for it

it's been months since i really thought about you
and even longer since i saw your face
i've seen you around, sure
but only the back of your head
for just a few seconds in the hall

today i saw you again
really saw you

and i wont lie
my heart skipped a little.

i wonder how long it will take for that to stop happening
i wonder if it ever will

why do i sit here
decoding and overthinking
trying so hard
to figure out
if he really likes me

why do i care
if he thinks about me
if he wants me

i try so hard
to see things the way i want them to be
not the way they are

babies are manipulative as ****
these little people
that everyone sees as helpless and innocent
can bring a room of men to hysteria
i have seen fathers rip their hair out
at the idea of losing a child
grown men go to prison
for their little girls

so when this little baby cries
i don't see helplessness
i see power
being grasped and used
to survive

i have a friend
one real friend
her name is crystal
she could never hurt anyone really
but people are afraid

she is calm and sweet
and furious
there is fire in her soul
and loneliness too
i think

we are the same
terrifying and lonely
natural enemies of the world
a perfect pair

i am going out to lunch with my friends
i ordered a small diet pepsi
i am laughing and flirting with boys
i am acting like nothing will ever fall apart
i am fake
i am plastic
i am fine

since Dec. 6 2019
i've been sick

pointy needle
in soft skin
hold my hand
like a friend
take my blood
make a change
empty out
ignore the pain
this is cool
im okay
a little dizzy
but im glad i came

is it possible
to be the only single person
on earth?

i feel like everybody's got somebody
maybe not a girlfriend or boyfriend
but at least a best friend
a favorite cousin
a loving parent

i don't have anything like that
i don't have any one person
that i'm close with
i have friends
but none of them really know me

i hardly remember
maybe one day i will share it
but it was nice
and it is mine
like a secret
i want to keep it for myself
because lately it seems
that not many things are

the little i'll say
is that he wore a halo
and the sky was beautiful
beneath us

my brain
is not prone
to logical
thought.

i know i have no right
to be jealous
to be impulsive
to keep ******* things up

i wish we could talk
but i don't want to make things worse
(i usually do)
i dont want you to start pushing me away again

im stupid
i say stupid stuff

usually to get a reaction
because im an attention *****
a narcissist
whatever

i dont really have much to say now
i love you
i guess
as stupid as that is
it's true

alone before
was quiet
and sad, yes,
but mostly just
me.
alone was just me, by myself
alone.

alone after
is deafening
not just alone
but the absence
of everything
or anything
alone after
is loss

(okay so i understand if you cant source these things naturally but its much better if you do)

so my go-to tea base is a blend of rose hips, allspice, and chicory for general good vibes

and for nice winter-y vibes this solstice you can add cinnamon sticks, clove, and dried orange peels for added comfort and prosperity in the new year

it wasn't anything, really
just a cashier helping a customer
nothing out of the norm

except for that flicker
just a second, when she met my eyes
hers went dim

and i knew
instantly, from the way her face fell
the confusion and pain and loss in her eyes
this woman i've never seen before
knows my face

and for that split second
she thought she was looking at Her
when she saw me

my eyes, my nose, my lips
they were Hers first

She had a high school sweetheart, a best friend
She was a student and a friend and a daughter
She was my mom

She left me a very long time ago
and maybe i've moved forward from that
but it still hurts
to see the hole She ripped in the world
when She left us all

i feel like a name
is so essential
in society
it's so simple
just one word
to identify an entire
personality

i have a name
it's out there somewhere
i just haven't heard it
yet

so basically
sometimes
it kinda feels
like
maybe
you're making excuses
to not be with me

which is stupid
and (most likely) not true

but if it is,
it's okay
you don't have to want to be with me
we can still be friends
just say that you don't
want me
if you don't

to come close to me
or say something
anything

you dont have to
but i'd like it if you did

i'll see you in the morning
either way