there is not much to say
in the dry heat of today
but sometimes when it rains
i wish you would've stayed

the color of a white rabbit's eyes. the color of painted nails and his favorite shade of baby lips. the color of burnt skin and old scars. the color of the sky right before the sun sets and over-ripe strawberries. the color of childhood.

the world spins so fast
that i'm afraid to blink
in case i lose my footing
and fall away to the end of the universe
without you.

His eyes were thick
with unadulterated love
and His arms were a place
that warmth never left.
He is.
yet i could not
call Him
mine.

smoking and vaping and ***
drugs and the internet
television and food
we **** ourselves and each other
we are dying.

a field rabbit
with a glass of whiskey
called my name
said she missed me

a gentle stream
trickles behind my eyes
the white willow rooted in my lungs
whispers when i breathe
stones sit in my belly
buttons on my heart
sun spots on the ground beneath me
moss grown over my silly art
mushrooms and rocks and bugs and dirt
mother, take me home.

sometimes they go quiet
sometimes, for just long enough
just for a little peace
a little hope
that maybe, just maybe
you aren't going crazy
but it isn't true
they never
never stop

in case you forgot
i am a person
and i have a whole life
outside the hour a day you see me.

i exist as more than a ****** love story
i was a person before i loved you
and im still one now that i dont

im sorry, but i dont have time to deal with it
im cool with hanging out, talking, whatever
but the little bubble you've formed
it doesn't have room for me
and i don't have room for it

i should feel bad
for losing a friend
to the demons that chase me too
but in his eyes
i was never enough
and that will always be true

she's really nice
and very pretty
~
she does my eyeliner for me
she has pockets full of strawberry sugar
and candy colored hair
~
she likes music and art
and maybe even me
~
she's like bubble gum
and a ****** nose
(if that makes any sense at all)
~
she doesn't care
that i'm
too tall
too skinny
too much
~
she's just...
nice
to me
for no reason
~
huh.

caffeine free
orange-ish
yellow and pink
like candy
never too sweet

just a girl
but she's a peach
sparkling
pretty and keen
gentle
fruity and kind
pretty peach
i wish she was mine

i am so sick
of feeling my own soggy brain
drag itself in circles
around the same old ****
i am so sick
of caring about people
who want nothing to do with me
i am so sick
of trying
and trying
and trying
keeping myself alive
for a fantasy
a joke of a life
that i'll never acheive
i am so incredibly sick
of pretending to be okay
so i can be there for the people around me

sharper than steel
your words stab me
like a blade
slicing through the night
through my heart
carving out the deepest parts
driving them into the dirt
and every single word
every syllable
dries out my lungs
and leaves me on the ground
crumpled up
like the letters i wrote
and as you walk away
i feel the last whisper of hope
seep from the darkest parts of my soul

fine
whatever
im the bad guy
im always the ******* bad guy
let me just sit here quietly for you
and let you tell me all my sins

im a liar and a cheat
im a sneak and a thief
ive never done anything right
and i'll die before anyone loves me

yes, its all my fault
everything is always
my ******* fault
your ****** up psyche
has nothing to do with the **** you pump into your body like candy
no way, nuh uh
thats my fault too, isnt it?

i realized something
recently

i don't care anymore
what people think of me

i love my friends
and i have real ones now
people that make me laugh
and never judge

they think of me

****
fuckfuckfuck

you know
six years ago
i was a freak
a ******

but then you got ****** up too
and now i can be cool

**** that
you made me what i am
i wont change for you

when i die
im dying a freak
a ******

a dead loser
with your heart

because when i get what i want
i don't want it anymore
when i write
my words aren't pretty
i don't speak in symbols
or talk about the moon and sun and stars
im dying
without love or beauty inside me

the beat of my music
reminds my heart of its job
and keeps me alive.

we fight
and fight and fight and fight
but you better bet your ***
i'd still talk to you all night long
we'd argue til the world ended
and still, i'd want you in my bed
i could say it over your grave
that this is the last time, i swear
i hate you
i never want to see you again
but still, i always come back for more

in the end
the fights are just that
just a fight

i love you
more than i love
being right

i feel like a name
is so essential
in society
it's so simple
just one word
to identify an entire
personality

i have a name
it's out there somewhere
i just haven't heard it
yet

i was
just another chapter
another character
i was
never special
or different
from any of the others
and somehow
i manage
to still make it
about me

the days blur past
i talk to people
i go to work
i function
all the while feeling nothing
retaining nothing
i've learned that i cant die
for some reason or another
this world will not allow
my departure

it is cruel
to be forced to remain in a world
where there is no place for you

he really pulled up to my house
wearing a ******* cowboy hat
and blasting thanks for the memories
like some kind of ******* loser

what if the sky went pink
and the birds stopped their chirping
if the world stopped its turning
what if i took your hand
and pulled you closer
if i held you forever
what if i kissed you then?
just before the sun slept
before the crickets sang
and important things
began to happen?
what if
what if we had that moment
that one second
of just
us?

i hope when i die
every last one of you
cries your ******* eyes out
i hope you say sweet meaningless things
over my open grave
i hope you say that i was a friend
a sister, and a loving daughter
i hope you all drown in your ******* lies
you dont know me
none of you know me
when was the last time any of you cared how i felt?
how long has it been since you gave a ****?
no, *******, i hope you all ******* burn.

when i die
dont put me in a dress
dont make me look alive
dont clean my skin
dont put concealer on my scars
dont close my eyes

bury me with tears staining my cheeks
burn me with my lips bruised
with my skin ***** and my knees scraped
let me die the way i lived
i will not rest in peace
let me rest in chaos

warm drops of water drip past my eyes
like the hot sparks of insanity in my mind
so i'll keep my visions to myself
and with them i'll go to hide

they are eyes that have a special color
the exact color of the ocean in california.

it isn't the same ocean as anywhere else
it's the color of home.

it isn't a color at all really,
more of a feeling.

the feeling of your skin burning
and cool blue-green-grey.

it can't be copied
or drawn or painted.

it is the color
of being
in love.

i could
i could kiss you
i could love you
i could be anything
(everything)
you could ever want

but will it ever be enough?

we could kiss
and never tell
we could spend nights together
in my car
where nobody knows
what we are

i could love you in secret
just between you and me
we could be quiet and reckless
wild and free

we could keep up those walls
the ones that hurt
just do the fun stuff
or whatever works

we could be anything
anything at all
no promises
no commitment
just...

we
could just
be.

I let him hold my shaking hands
And kiss my busted lips
I let him touch my insecurities
And see my healing scars
I gave him access to my everything
And I thought he did the same
I saw lust and interpreted it as love
What a fool I am

hell yeah
take my hand
lets wreck this show

and im so glad
that he loves you
because he's really cool
and im sick of hating him
unless you think hes cooler than me
then id have to **** him

and also
i really think
i might love someone too
and shes really cool
(but not cooler than you)
and she makes me feel
lesbian things
and idk
lets be gay criminals

and i miss my
best friend
too

scream with me into the abyss
feel with me, such a feeling of bliss
a deeper feeling than desire
a feeling that feels, to me, like a fire
come with me our hearts as one
stay with me til' my days are done
when all light has waned away
i will sing my breath on my final day

i could hold you
i could gently run my fingers
through your hair
trace lines down your neck
over your shoulder
follow the line of your collar
to the soft spot below your throat
then down your chest.
i could write little words on your stomach
little kisses
lower
i could bring my hands gently down your sides
over your hips
your thighs...
i could make you bite your lip
just the way i like.
i could.