finger nails digging into skin, drawing blood from the crescent moon shapes on calloused palms

matted hair in clumps on the floor from constant fiddling turned into ripping

purple bags under what once were eyes that sparkled, all hope inside the pale blue irises now put out like a match's flame

constant shiver from the frosty embrace of the ghosts of old lovers pulling her down into the depths of her already prevalent sadness

they say it's the things you love that eventually **** you, here's just another statistic

the replies came few
he stopped saying i love you
i gave into the distance

the replies came faster
i became happier
he says i love you.

i loved you, sometimes i think i still do
there are many things that should make me hate you
like how you left and how you made me cry too
how you said you were protecting me, but you only cared about you
there are many things that should make me hate you, but I don't, not even a little.
I believe that somewhere along the lines of our hearts intertwining, yours twisted and took mine away, because now my heart still races at the thought of your name.
or even worse t the memory of the constellations of lies in your eyes and how they reflected my suffering, but i took that as love.
but, in the void you left in my mind, everything is now shifted, there is no good, there is simply just evil.
hear all evil, see all evil, speak all evil.
You left me to die, but I still see the flecks of pain as lust in your eyes.

with you I feel like i am
f l o a t i n g
gravity ceases to exist, metaphysics are made improbable
there is no weight on my shoulders
no desire to impress because with you
i relinquish every aspect of me
even the things I wish you'd never see are brought to light
oxygen doesn't feel like poison in my lungs anymore
it feels smooth, breathing has slowly become a steady paced action
rather than a fight for a single breath adequate enough to provide some form of relief

because of you everything makes me want to breakdown and weep
but weep in the most beautiful sense of the word
weep tears of  joy because this, this is healthy and this is something that treats the delicate hearted with the fragile touch of an angel that is needed to reassure its owner that it will not be broken by the hands of a broken man

a merely teenage epiphany with the idea of what a good romance begins as
but this, this I know
is petrifying
but i believe it to be this because nothing good has come from a romance before and change is a frightening concept to most
the idea of you, the idea of me, the idea of us is absolutely insane
but that insanity might just be a sign that because of you
i am euphoric for the first time in a copious amount of sunrises

i remember when you said you loved me
each syllable seemed to slice at my cheek as it passed into my ear
you never looked at me when you said it, i never realised it until now
i remember when i knew i loved you, i felt a fire inside my lungs and my body shut down in shock
i couldn't breathe, oxygen turned into carbon monoxide and suddenly everything turned hazy
this was long before you ever said you loved me
even four months later, i still can't breathe when i realise that i still love you

You are still here, but you're not.
You are a memory, added to the collection of memories I already have inside.
But the memory of you feels different, the memory of you feels like home.
It makes me feel some type of way, maybe it's just my foolish and broken heart.
But the you I hold so close to my heart, that you is home and this you, the you that is not a memory,
that you wouldn't hold me in a warm embrace when I cry over your memory in my mind.

strike a match
watch the flame flicker
hover your hand over it's warmth
bringing it closer and closer to your skin
but never letting it touch

the burn would hurt too much
the hesitation shows
there's still some hope
the flame has not yet scorched your happiness.

Watch the flame die down
throw the match away
you're not an angel on fire today.

I can get you out
your face haunts my dreams
the memories fill my mind like a disease
I want to be ridded of your curse
The sickening sweetness of your voice, the way your smile made mine shine bright.
The way your words made my heart flutter
from one poet to another, be careful to fall in love with someone so graceful with words.
One day the words will stop being so sweet and you blissful endeavours will meet a violent end.

words exchanged our parents would **** us for
promised made that i don’t know i can follow through
a new relationship formed, a different one for me and you
consisting solely of your lust and my feeding into, cursing myself for every text sent
******* myself over, falling deeper and deeper once again into the idea of you
while you’re thinking of the idea of me in your bed wrapped in between sheets
desires tangled like naked bodies in bed
you are lust and i’m love, the messy bed had yet to be made

the sound of mortal terror ringing in thine eyes
the look of death greeting thy eyes, a look so beautiful that it disguises itself as love
the perplexity of its intoxication
entering the bloodstream through the heart
turning crimson blood black, slowly beginning to ****
slowing the beat of the hideous heart
until finally, the poison has overtaken
killing your softly, but all at once

nights i used to spend lying awake are now spent in a slumber i never want to arise from
the detriment of sleeping for more than eight hours has since vanished, that's what sadness can do to a body
the exhaustion that comes from factors of my brain that i cannot control and a pain so deep rooted in the cavities of my heart propel me into a twelve hour slumber that feels like twelve minutes
dragging my feet on the ground like deadweight, my god i am deadweight
deprivation of serotonin can **** ones strength and energy, i have never been so tired
heartbreak throws a body into a boxing ring and tells it to fight the champ, while the body has been starved of all life
exhaustion has become my new state of being, someone save me please.

i can feel it in my stomach
the loneliness it settling in
rising up through my throat
choking on things that don’t exist
i’m sorry to whoever has felt this
i wish i was still ignorant
to this torture
tears have never tasted so sweet
the saltiness chaps my lips
oxygen has never felt so much like poison
my lungs no longer seem to exist
my rib cage now is a graveyard
for a heart that used to beat
a heart that was ripped out by the hands of a man i love
a love so strong it drove him away
i have never felt a pain like this before
everything feels meaningless
life is colourless
i am not who i was two days before
and i don’t think i will ever get over this.

he's near sighted
everything from afar seems blurred and people seem to be
masses of motion in huddled crowds

he can see things up close
everything that's five feet in front gets noticed
i guess that why he never noticed me until i popped up on his phone screen
admiring from the mass of motion that he can't see

it's so easy
to fake a smile with him
i'll give him the signature "i'm dying inside and these tears aren't because i'm tired but look at these pearly whites" smile
and he'll belive it, but only because he can't really see  the falters in it

he's so pure
so golden
it makes me scared to hold
his hand because i wouldn't want to turn that gold black
or the diamond into coal
i'm scared he'll run if he ever saw my cold beating heart

he laughs when i shake, he jokes that i'm always cold
i mean what else would he think, i don't "look like someone with anxiety"
he thinks it's cute when i get all lustered and when my mind runs a mile a minute and that i worry consistently
but he doesn't know that these tendencies are due to the constant churing of gears in my head, working overtime and constantly leaking oil out
a working machine of overthinking

he doesn't know all of what makes me.. me
every flaw
every diagnosis
every scar
every puzzle piece  
every event
nor does he have to
he'll learn as time goes by
but for now he can think that i'm fine

my heart beats to the rhythm of the rain drops pitter patter, pitter patter, bu-bump bu-bump
somewhere else your heart is beating to a different melody, one that wasn't made for you and me, one that was created just for you.
how i miss when our hearts used to beat it the rhythm of each other's

we were happy, i know we were. it seems so far away now, whatever we had before seems so out of reach now, not that what we have now is bad, not at all, but i can’t help but miss aspects of what we had. I miss the beginning of the past, you were so different then, you seemed to be in for the ****, you seemed so happy then, i don’t think i’ve really seen you so into me since, that is unless you’re trying to get something out of me. I don’t mind it, though, i just miss knowing that you’re fully mine is all. I have this constant worry that I’m simply just not enough for you, even after all this time i still feel like i’m not enough, even when i give you all that i have to give, i still seem to be falling short in some aspect.

i mean you look at me and instantly i cannot help but smile to no end, and all you do is look at me. it’s ridiculous that even after all this time, i still cannot stop the beat of my heart from elevation each time you lay those eyes, those ****** eyes of your on me. i feel like i am invincible and it’s crazy to me that you have that power over me with just a simple glance. even if you gave me the coldest stare you could muster, in between all that ice and bitterness i would still find some warmth and that scares me. the fact that i will always find some fire inside your ice blue eyes, even if i have to imagine that there is still a flame ignited behind them for me. oh it drives me crazy you you can do all of these things to me, after all this time.

i wish i could say that your mine, but quite frankly i cannot and i act like i’m fine with that and most of the time, i convince myself that i am for your sake, but when the lights are out and i’m staring at the ceiling, stifling tears behind my own stone cold blue irises, i am reminded that i am not fine with our current situation or even what the current situation used to be. i am reminded that even though i tell myself i don’t want it, all i really want is the right to be able to say confidently that you are totally and completely mine because i have already given you that power over i, and you didn’t even have to ask for it.

you promised you'd love me forever
said it with tears in your eyes and a soft voice that makes it debut once you try to speak after a screaming match and an ocean of tears
you promised you'd never leave me and that we'd be infinite

only fools make a promise like this
nothing can exist forever, everything is forgotten and everyone decays into the ground eventually
no one can die together, no one can last forever, someone always dies first
no one can love someone forever, pure love isn't real because if you love someone, there's times where you hate them, and times where you want nothing to do with them

that is why on that faithful night
I left, you made a promise you couldn't keep and that is the promise that wasn't a fools promise, that was the one of the few promises you made that you could keep.

looking danger straight in the eyes
feeling the rush of adreneline as you see the tempting orange flames burn behind stone cold pupils shrunk so small you wonder if danger has ever seen anything it truly liked

do I follow danger down his path of mass destruction, I mean it'd be one hell of a ride and I'm sure in time it'd mean, something
or do I stay safe and leave danger at the corner where the streetlights illuminate the darkened world with orange light, the same colour as danger's firey eyes

he looks so heavenly, like an angel in disguise
as if he could never hurt a soul or even tell a lie
and in that moment, I know what choice must be made
I wish danger goodbye, for I know pretty boys with pretty eyes who tell you that everything's going to be fine and he'll never hurt you and most of all that he loves you

he only lays his eyes on me to create an image of who he wants me to be to lock away in his memories and replace who i am with who he wants me to be
he only desires me for my body, he’s come crawling back when i told him that the next relationship i have i think i’ll be ready to explore more of my sexuality
the desire to run hands up and down my thighs and hips never faded but whatever attraction that went deeper than physical died long ago and now the lust thrives within
he only likes me for what i have to offer, not in the moral sense of the phrase, i know he only speaks to me in this mannerism again just so she can see me on my knees staring up with pretty little eyes
he only wants me for my body and what i can supply but i still want him for his soul and his mind.

match made in heaven
written by the stars
two kids, searching for something that their parents wouldn’t want
she’s afraid to fall
he’s afraid to stay
they’re both afraid but neither dare say
hands running wild
lust surging through every vein
she wants this to be it
he’s afraid to commit
with every waking moment
she’s up thinking of him
with every waking moment
he’s running away from the reality of what this is
her lust, is slowly turning to love
his lust is increasing
she runs for the hills, sobs matching with her pace
with every waking moment
she’s distancing from him, too afraid to admit to love and too stubborn to give into him
with every waking moment
he’s becoming more glossy eyed with the curse of lust
lost in a lie that this is just a causal fling and he’s not in a real relationship
a match made in heaven
written by the stars
two dumb kids
breaking their own hearts

i shouldn’t cry over you they say, you’ve got no reason to, he didn’t hurt you.

but i cry over the nights i lie awake while my heart yearns for that feeling and my mind gives me all the reasons as to why i am not good enough to be alive and why you left

i cry for my sanity and how it has been lost because of the way you left me, untraceable, undetectable, without reason

i cry because i can still feel your touch on my body and it has felt me feeling ice cold for weeks on end

i cry at the haunting of your laugh ringing in my head and the sound of you voice when you said you loved me

i cry at the backlash i got and how everyone thinks it’s so easy to just move on, block his number, get rid of him

but it’s not that easy you see, i cry because as much as i want you to not be apart of me, blocking a number won’t block you from my head, unfollowing you won’t make the sounds of your voice and everything you ever said and the essence of you stop following me, trying to see in others what i saw in you won’t erase these feelings of irreplaceablity i gave to you.

i cry because as much as i want to be, i’m still not over you, and i cry because even after all of this, i still don’t hate you.

with each kiss i can feel you slipping through my finger tips
everyone time i say i love you
i can see the pain behind your eyes
telling me that there’s no possibility that i could love thee
because i cannot relinquish myself to thee

with each embrace i can feel my bones breaking under the pressure
they snap so easily when you hold me closely
an escape mechanism, trigged by my innate reaction to flee
already picturing the way in which you’ll leave me

sooner or later, you will be gone
even though you tell me that there isn’t a chance you’d leave over something as elementary as abstinent
but the tape plays on repeat in my mind
like a broken VHS, stuck on the same scene
you finally break and go off with someone who can give you what i refuse to
leaving me alone, just like all the other skeletons before who had beautiful bones
and i, wither down further
my skeletal bones that have long been broken, start to crack
and with each repeating scene, my broken bones disintegrate
leaving behind a pile of ash.

in paris, you loved me, life was amorous
in the maldives, you desired me more than you ever had before, i don't think the bed every stayed tidy
in rome, you told me I was a masterpiece greater than any of Da Vinci's
in new york, you screamed, even the sound of the taxi cabs couldn't drown out the sound of you saying you hated me
in london, you left me stranded, broke my heart and bolted,
back to paris when this mess of a romance started, where you said you loved me.

the crash
spinning into the opposite lane
the panic
how the **** did this happen?
the realisation
okay, a car hit mine but i’m perfectly fine
the contact
call my mum call my sister
but the first person i thought of after all of this was you
there’s a reason for this i’m sure
and i don’t want to accept it
how is it that even in the most terrifying time i have ever been placed in, i still thought of you to talk to first
you came as soon as i told you what happened
the only calm i felt was when you held me close
i hate it.

you became the moon,
the stars
the sun
you became the universe

when the universe suddenly says goodbye
all life dies
including mine.

sorry I' not the girl who made your heart melt
sorry I couldn't be what you wanted
sorry I didn't want to drop to my knees and give life to your masculine ego
i'm sorry I couldn't make you fall in love with more than my body
i'm sorry I fell in love with you, that was so selfish of me to put you through the stress of having someone love you
I'm sorry all your friends yelled at you for breaking y heart, it's my fault after all that you broke it right?
I'm sorry that I'm trying to make you realise what a mistake this is
I'm sorry that I make you uncomfortable because when I look at you I know you can see my heart break more and more, as if that was even possible
I'm sorry I don't hide the fact that this destroyed me
I'm sorry I keep falling in love with you, I know it must be so difficult to have someone care about your every movement
I'm sorry I'm being so selfish with my own feelings and that I'm not already over you
I'm sorry that I still love you with every ounce of my soul and just want you to be happy
I'm sorry I care about you more than I care about myself
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
and most of al I'm sorry for saying sorry so many times, I know you're probably sick of hearing it because after all it is my fault this happened isn't it?
I'm sorry I keep saying sorry, once more, I'm sick of saying it.

you said you don’t know what you’d do to yourself if anything happened to me
you said if i died you’d die with me
so what do you propose to do?
now that you’ve happened to me and killed a part of me that should’ve died long ago
what’s the plan for our demise? what’s the movie script ending you have in mind?
the sun killed the moon and the stars shine in her absence.

the caress of baby soft skin
clutch onto me
grab and pull me closer
faces accidentally brush against whilst turning heads
the innocence of it all
feelings unspoken
desire present, the tensions are palpable and hang heavy in the air, breathing is a difficulty
thoughts interconnected but separated by the individuals
the touch of soft lips against each other
the almost natural kiss, pulled closer in.
time ceases, everything stands still
what am i to do with myself

a heart
more fragile than most
relinquishes itself
to the greatest danger it has ever known.
The heart of another soul
a soul so vastly different than
the heart's own.
It feels that it can trust it,
never be too trusting.

darling darling darling he screams
feed me
please me
make me feel alive

darling darling darling he screams
i want you so bad baby
make me beg for your “love”
kiss the soul out of my lips
make my life mean something from my stomach

darling darling darling he screams
but she runs
sprints away from all of clawing
all the calling
this is not the life she signed up for
she wanted love
he wanted a good ****

as his cries ring silent
she weeps herself to sleep
“lust isn’t love”
she repeats, in between heaves
for air.

the second shot
you called them all
made every spilt second decision to turn our platonic friendship into a disaster of i wanna get back together
you frame us a best friends now
but i think boyfriend suits you better
you thought the same last week
the switch flipped, you got scared of falling once more
and once more i am left, alone in my bed, crying into my pillow over the sun kissed blonde boy who drives me to the brink of insanity
my god i love you
my god i need to stop loving you

a shooting pain
top right artery of the heart

constant throbbing
top right part of the brain

shortness in breathe
distortion galore
faintness
numb hands
freezing sensation

i never felt like i was dying
until after you.

sip on a cherry coke sad depressed broken love heart heartbroken
pick the petals of a dead rose
forget your feelings in the smoke of a marlboro
gave your heart our again
to someone who only makes you sin.
welcome to the broken hearts club
we break our hearts for fun.

breathe in, and  breathe out
breathe in, and breathe out
stop thinking and breathe out
stop shaking, and breathe out
stop existing, and breathe out

stinging eyes
tear drop stains on freshly washed linen
a frantic spectacle has taken place
one in which “us” may never recover

i told you i loved you.
you never said the words back.
you simply said, thank you.
and left.

it’s 5:52 and my first thought is obviously of you
my eyes are wide and i go online to see if there’s any possibility of conversing
the first thing my eyes see are two sentences that my heart cannot withstand
the realisation that you’re moving on and i’m still stuck in heartbreak land
why is it that the good ones always hurt you the most but move on the quickest?
it’s 5:55 and at this point my mind is racing
flashbacks to a time that seemed to be golden
the first instinct to draw a crimson red because you still provoke a sickening anxiety oh how my head is in agony
but i suppress, knowing that i shouldn’t have to ask myself if that’s my blood.
and you answer, and somehow i forget what i 5:52 brought me

I will never admit to my faults
i will never admit that sometimes
you seem too much to handle and my brain goes into overdrive
and pounds, oh my god does it pound

louder than my heart against my rib cage when you say my name
harder than a jackhammer hitting concrete
a constant pounding, fuelled by this almost
palpable fear that you're just too good
and good never stays so I am waiting for you to leave
like the rest of them

I'll never admit to you
that I'm terrfied
and that sometimes tears fill my eyes
and my hands shake
and I get cold before I have to see your face
because I am so terrified of these
feelings? I guess they can be called that,
but they feel more like daggers rather than anything else.

they say that infatuation shouldn't feel painful
but my god it is
even writing this my heart is hurting
and that is what i cannot understand

why i have to make something that feels so safe
into a danger zone
in which, i am bound to get hurt
but this time, it feels like I am the perpetrator
of the mass destruction that is to come
and I don't know how to stop it.

high beams burning holes into our irises
engines revving and dust clouds surround us
hearts racing, palpitations pounding in our eardrums
shake out the jitters, swallow your fear it’s time to face your true desires
brakes released, feet slam on the gas
speed increases, headlights come into view
crash collision and the casualties are me and you
collision of desires, you and i heading towards each other, the goal remains the same for us both
but with contrasting states of mind
i speed towards you, love heavy on my mind and with a desire to spill every ounce of it upon you
you speed towards i with a intention of being unconnected but intertwined, no commitment necessary
we collide, the fatalities high even though the only visible ones are you and i

c'est toi, c'est la vie
you are the light of my fire
the fire that burns so brightly in my eyes
the shock that makes my come back to life
the source of oxygen for my lungs
breathe you in and exhale you out
you taste like nicotine and cut like a knife
c'est toi, c'est la vie
it's you
it's you
it's you
it always has been
it's you, it's life
and you will forever be my c'est la vie

my tears have become the source of water my body lives off of
licking the salt off my lips, taste the melancholy in their kiss
eyes stiff from trying to keep the dams from breaking
they shattered within thirty seconds after saying goodbye
i haven’t tasted oxygen in three days
it feels like a poisonous gas polluting my lungs with each heave in between cries begging you to come back
i tell myself i’m pathetic for thinking you’ll come back because i know i am
but here i am, crying to myself in the pitch black over you on day number three of the most immeasurable pain i have ever endured

she’s not yours, but she wants to be
she doesn’t even belong to herself.
her body rejects her soul
her mind rejects her happiness
her heart rejects your love
she’s not yours, but she wants to be
she’s not yours, but she doesn’t know how to be

strike your match against my skin
stab your knife inside my head
fill my lungs with smoke from your nicotine kisses
grasp your fingers around my neck

bind my hands togethe with the rope of your lies
pick every petal from my stem

please keep hurting me
it shows me you’re still there.

i want to be loved
i want to feel the warmth of a loving embrace
i want to know what it's like to feel hopelessly devoted to another being
i want to live in the sunshine and not in the shade, hidden away by the fear that i'll run into you in the narrow hallway, thanking my for your stay and that my body was a lovely resting place
i don't want to feel like  a vacation or provocation to someone, i want to be a home
i want to fall in love with someone who truly reciprocates the passion i have for thee
i just want you to fall in love with me

i feel sick to my stomach
three weeks in and there's already something

you wanna slow things down
but i'm already in the fast lane and no one's moving over on the highway to let me change

let's not hold hands
but we still can
make out on crumpled bed sheets

i wanna redirect my attention
but it's all yours
when i'm ripping off your clothes

you made me feel like a friend today
worse actually
more like a walking "use me" sign

i didn't answer for hours
and not even an "are you okay?"

i told you today was weird
you didn't seem to care to ask why

i don't know what's running through your head
but i know what's running through mine

not again not again not again
please be different
please don't be like the last guy

you have more of a foothold to hurt me
baby please don't change your mind
we're three weeks in, there's so much more to go
please honey, you've already got me on hands and knees
begging for mercy
please. don't make me cry
like all those other guys.

removed every memory, erasing each one from my brain like a school child would erase mistakes from their essays
cleansed myself of the traces of dirt you left lingering on my skin
removed myself from the toxic mental state you left my mind to create, the radioactive waste you left in there began to get too much to bare
you became like a faded photograph, only the outline of what once was remained
i tucked you away, like the old phrase out of sight out of mind
i became whole again, on my own
i found happiness within myself instead of within a temporary foundation
you’re trying to break the concrete i have laid down over your cracked foundation in an attempt to re-earth it
but this concrete will never give way to let you seep in-between the cracks that lay beneath it

i don’t think i’ll recover
i want you to come back
i need to stop making myself believe that you’ll be at my front door with roses in hand saying you’re sorry and please take me back, this isn’t a ******* hallmark movie.

Captured by your heavenly eyes
Searching for a sign, that you love me


Time flew by, and I was still searching.


I never did find a sign.

why’s it so hard
why’s it so hard
an ultimatum hangs in the air
so thick it fills our lungs like cigarette smoke
the drug that lies within the ultimatum and cigarettes is the girl you cheat on me with
inhale her into your lungs
let her infiltrate parts of you that i will never have access to
she’s ruining us
breaking a home that was built on foundations that could withstand any disaster that crossed its pass
all to be cracked right down the centre by a home-wrecker who had always lay hidden away in the concrete
it’s her or me
no magic eight ball can decide your fate

I've written these same lines
about six hundred times

all of them
all of them seeming to rhyme

but not rhyme in the sense of phonetics
or in a repeating pattern of syllables

rhyme in the sense
of a pattern of misfortune i suppose
rhyme in the sense
that every line
is smudged from smeared ink and
tear drops falling on the page
in the exact same place

rhyme in the sense
that every word
of every line is
hard to decipher
because it has been written
in what I like to call
anxiety's beautiful autograph
each letter written like a
scrible and all unconnected
because it's kind of hard to
piece words together
when you can't even remeber
how to breathe right

rhyme in the sense
that these cursed
lines all stem from
every line I
have made on my skin
carved out like the words to a beautiful poem
and the blood still stains the paper

rhyme in the sense
that even when
the pen
hits the paper
and starts a new
I still cling to the
lie
that everything's not dying
and we're all still alive.