There, in the heat of the moment—your lips on my shoulder, your hands feeling my arms up and down, your body pressed against mine from behind—you ask me a question which I find impossible to answer.
“Do you love me?”
I stiffen, caught by surprise. I slowly turn around to face you. I take in your mussed hair, gray eyes darkened with desire, full pink lips which you are biting, anticipating my answer.
I wrap my arms around your waist and bury my face in the crook of your neck, kissing you there.
“Did you hear me? I asked if you love me.”
“Mm.” I reply, hoping that that vague answer will be enough for you to let this subject drop.
You pull away from me and force me to look at you. My heart begins to beat faster and my palms get clammy; I’m nervous.
“I’m sorry.” I tell you, looking down.
Your grip on my arms loosens and your hands fall to your sides; I can tell you’re disappointed. And I stand there, listening to your footsteps as you walk out of my house and quite possibly my life.
A few salty tears roll down my cheeks as I try to tell myself that I don’t care. I lay in bed on my back and think about the first time I allowed myself to love somebody.
“Guess what?” I plop down into Jordan’s lap, smiling.
“What?” he asks, curious.
“I love you.”
He smiles, but it seems too forced. Something’s wrong here.
I frown. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Jordan sighs heavily and looks up at me. “I thought this would be easy, but it’s not. Not when you’re sitting here staring at me with those wide, innocent brown eyes.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I have to go…away.”
“Where are you going?” I pout.
“Away from here.” He looks at me with a blank look on his face.
That’s when it hits me. I stand up from his lap. “You’re leaving me?”
“I’m sorry. This isn't how I wanted it to end.”
I don’t think I ever cried more than I did that entire week. I gave him my all—my heart, my soul, my desires, my fears…my love. And what did I get in return? A shattered heart and new-found wariness of giving my affections to anyone else.
He broke me, and I've just pushed away the only man that I hoped could restore me. Anybody else but you would only be able to crudely glue me back together until I eventually fell apart again, but you…you could make me like new. You could fix me.
I pull on a flimsy jacket before leaving the house and closing the door behind me. I begin to run to your house because I just can’t get there fast enough. I’m thinking of how I messed up last night and what I can do to fix it. I just have to tell you the truth—that will solve it. I’ll tell you.
I make it to your old one story pale yellow house out of breath. I assemble my thoughts as I walk up to the front door.
Knock! Knock! Knock!
I wrap my arms around myself to keep from shivering uncontrollably. Whether it’s from the cold or from how nervous I am, I don’t know.
When you open the door, you look surprised to see me. You’re in nothing but your boxers and you look tired.
You don’t bother with the useless greetings and you waste no time getting to the point. “Why are you here?”
I take in a deep breath. The truth, I remind myself.
“The thing is, I couldn't just leave things the way they were last night.”
You cross your arms over your chest and lean against the door frame. “And why not? You made it pretty clear where you stand in this relationship.”
“I was awake, thinking, after you left and I thought about you and just everything about you. You give me butterflies every time I look at you. I never want our conversations to end because I just love to hear the sound of your voice and what you have to say; you could drone on about cardboard boxes and I wouldn't care. When I’m with you, no one else exists in my world. You’re the sun in my universe—everything about me revolves around you. That’s love, isn't it? I love you.”
You don’t say anything for what feels like forever. I frown as I wait for you to respond. Say something…anything to let me know that you understand half of the word ***** that just came out of my mouth.
Finally, you sigh. “You really walked all the way over here to tell me that?”
My heart sinks into my stomach. I nod. “Yes.”
That’s when I notice the smile slowly spreading across your lips. “You’re something else. You really are.” Standing up straight, you reach out and pull me into your arms. You’re warm. “Can you say it again?” you whisper into my hair.
I know I can say it without the fear of getting my heart broken looming over me. I can say it and it won’t be a lie. “I love you.”
It *****, but I just wanted to post it.