never felt shame
travel up my spine
up until we shared
a secret and no longer
shared love for each other.

teach me how
to feel something
and keep it from
fading away

you broke me
until your insecurity screamed, "Ah, see, imperfections!",
because only then you could love me,
even loved me more than
the way you hung on your trauma,
even when i had all the right remedies for your pain

am I the love of your life
or am I one that qualifies
for your love in this life?

You haunt me in my dreams
and you’re always in them
rejecting me
and i’m there loving you
harder and harder
like I always have been

there has
never been
this much doubt
running through my mind,
i’m so used to
your hands against mine,
yet i’m so scared
to let you touch me
in ways i’ve never experienced,
but i’m also terrified
by the mere thought
of letting you go.

A little love
goes a long way

I had forgotten
that it only hurt
because I loved
you more than
you deserved
and more than
I should have.

I promise myself peace and serenity,
yet I strike at the first glance of a storm,

I think I know who I am,
but then doubt enters my heart
at the first introduction of confusion,

I prepare myself for the worst,
forgetting that good even exists,
like an infant,
believing that the sun has really disappeared
when it's just hiding behind a cloud

i confused
honey-dipped words
for unconditional love,

possessiveness
for protectiveness,

holding me back
for wanting me close, (as holding me close)

infatuation
for adoration,

and desire for devotion.

No,
I don't wish you the best,

because that would be
getting to hold me
in your arms,
just like in the good old days,

rendering me
stuck in your trap.

Would you believe me,
if I had told you
I feel colors form
when you
gently hold
onto my pain
for me,
even for a bit,

the weakest argument someone will make
is turning the pointing finger at you
instead of facing the fire they had started,
and this is when you know
that regardless of what words come out after,
you have won,
because you never denied the facts
when they are stated,
you never bragged with lies,
instead,
they play “peeka-boo” with the truth,
choose to re-route to your bumpy roads,
and blame their trouble on you.

love me
like you really see me,
like you really need me,
like it's the only thing you were meant to do.

the stages of grieve
feel like they
are taking the entirety of my life

you love
because
your
heart
feels
good,
and
it no
longer
pumps
blood
objectively.

this heart
healed itself
just so that you
can enter the
premise
and have
a warm stay.

got your hand off my hand,
the thought off you off my mind,
the pain lifted off my heart,
your name off my tongue,
off you go baby

hard to aim
for the stars
when you’re
already so
high up in the sky,

hard to get out
of this comfort zone
when all i had
known is anything
but that,

hard to be yourself
around someone new
when the past is
constantly haunting you.

I re-release you

the hardest to forget
are the little things that
made loving you worthwhile,
that well put pun you once made,
the way you hugged me from behind
infront of a never ending pond,
the first time i felt comfortable enough to
take a picture on your phone,
your voice first thing in the morning,
your love as the last thought on my mind at night,
my fingers jamming to the beat of your music on top of your arm,
the sound of your breath on a cold night,
my eyes exploring your face, every time
the way the nickname you gave me echos in my ears,
the way you never could love me gently,

letting you go
costed less
than keeping
the pain your
presence brought

loving you
was breathing hard
as I force in
thick air to inhale.

i forgot about the nest
of butterflies lying
at the bottom of my stomach,

turns out they were just playing dead

we put all of our troubles away
the same way snow lies on the side of the  roads,
we neglect our needs and wants
the same way a tree lets down it’s leave after autumn,
we convince ourselves that it’s too late
the same way when we slip on black ice.

in the moment,
we endure the pain,
we accept the challenge,
we live to survive,

but somewhere down the line,
we have to heal
we try to forget
we learn our lessons.

blessings
have such a
weird disguise,
it’s almost like
if i were to describe
the heart residing
in that cold body of yours.

falling for someone again
is scarier than the first fall,
because you know
how much love
your heart can carry
and how much sorrow
love can carry

I forgot
how much
this hurts,
how as much
as happy
a special
someone can
make you, as
sad too.

they get tantalized
by the way your wings
still flutter even when broken,
like you're some sort of
art to be appreciated in
a museum,
but not one to hold onto
and let their hearts inspired by,
your strength and independence
terrify those who offer nothing
and expect everything in return.

You say, "I love you" to me,
when you are happy..

but you say that I don't deserve you,
when you are mad.

You say that I am beautiful,
when you are happy.

but you say that you could do so much better than me,
when you are sad.

You say "I miss you" to me,
when you are happy.

but you say "leave me alone I couldn't care less about you",
when you are mad.

You say that it's hard to find someone like me in this day and age,
when you are happy,

but you also say...
that I make your life harder,
that I always seem to **** up,
that you should leave me,
that you don't find happiness in me,
that what is standing between our relationship and goodbye is a single mistake from me,
that a single moment can change everything,


so what is it you love, miss, and find beautiful about me?
so what is it you deserve more than my best that I gave you?
so what is that I can improve to make you find happiness in me if all of it is subjective and arbitrary to you?

so why do you say "I love you"
when you are happy

but never,  "they can never make me leave you"
when you are sad?

why do you say "I miss you"
when you are happy,

but never, "I need you"
when you are sad?

why do you say "you are mine"
when you are happy,

but never make feel like you are here to stay?

..

I'm sorry you feel this way,
we both know what it's like
to fall for someone who we
can't have,
and I'm sorry I had to be that
person for you,
I know it hurts,
at least I've seen his ugly side
and learnt to overstep my emotions,
but I am your friend,
and it hurts more than you think
to know I'm unwillingly hurting you
in ways I know too well

wanting you,
or needing you,

leaves me in a
constant state
of confusion,

and focusing
on what I know
will not help me
reach a decision,

because all
I know is that
you fill my
heart with an
iridescent sapphire

I wonder what I am to you, just another gatsby girl?

he said that this doesn't change anything,
that he doesn't love me any less,

except there was a change,
this time around I broke my own heart,
and for that I loved myself less.

i love you so ******* much. so ******* much.

what the **** was i doing loving someone else more? what the **** was i thinking?

We are out here
trying to make it out of
whatever we think
we need to try to make it out of,

will we ever reach
where we think
we need to reach,
if we are never
where we need to be?

this year is only half way through
and i’ve lost so much,
respect,
people,
and respect for people.

count down till it's time
to go home,
go home and count down
the time,
close your eyes and let go,
let go and open your eyes,
get up, undress,
and get down to the address,
greet, hug, say goodbye,
look, times is up, and home is gone.

there he is,
25 years young,

there he is,
a dreamer,
an achiever,
big man,

there he is,
making life work
extra hard
to challenge him,

there he is,
entering my heart
as if it's a kingdom,
like the king he is,

there he is,
teaching me new ways
to be inspired,
to grow,
to love,
to be,

there he is,
with his warm presence,
his pure smile,
his kind eyes,

all I want,
need,
and see,

my home.

Is this how you want to write our story?

Is that how you want to define our love?

Are those the parts you want to hold on to, stronger than you hold onto me?

Are you happier with these thoughts you prisoned in your head?

Is this

Is that how you want to end our story?

If I were to describe emotions
I would say they’re something like strawberry sherbet ice cream dipped with blue raspberry; intricate, intense and insanely delicious,
or a pink and blue sky with a little grey from the smoke of a capitalist factory; placid, painterly, and polluting,
a smile from a stranger on the 8:55 am subway ride; habitual, harmless,

Look at you, discovering yourself for what feels like the first time. There you were, sitting in the backyard with a book you never had the chance to read, learning the hard way that you should apply sunscreen more evenly next time. Look at you, greeting your lover and welcoming new feelings everyday with open arms. Look at you, experimenting with colours other than the three shades of black you've always known and being brave enough to wear pink on your toes. Look at you, turning a bad memory into a much better one, you deserve that crown, queen. Look at you, taking matters into control

the same way you don't
owe anybody your time,
you don't owe anyone forgiveness,
as much as you owe yourself relief,
and sometimes feeling anger
for those who wrong you
is the strongest form of self love.

history does repeat itself,
I see it in my poetry

we all linger
for that something
or that someone
to start up a fire
within,
in attempt
to feel alive
on the inside.

I didn't listen carefully
to the lies you told,
the empty promises you gave,
and your play-on-words...

I thought I could
never feel anything
and for no one
but you,
but baby
you dug a grave
for all the feelings
I've ever had for you
and you jumped in too

I just want to love
you completely,
unrestrictedly,

but I also have to
protect the very
thing that wants
to that