there she is,
laying in her bed,
wide awake
when it’s 4 am,
waiting for her lover's call

put a top coat
on the pain,
perhaps
mattify it,
don't let it
reflect on you.

I can sit here,
cry myself an entire ocean
and sit at the bottom and drown in my own tears,

or I can get

The truth is that
learning things
the hard way
is enforced
on all of us,

Free will
is nothing more
than an illusion of
an autonomy promised
to all of us,
But also one
that can never really
be fully obtained
by any of us.

Is this how you want to write our story?

Is that how you want to define our love?

Are those the parts you want to hold on to, stronger than you hold onto me?

Are you happier with these thoughts you prisoned in your head?

Is this

Is that how you want to end our story?

there is something
about the world ending
that makes us appreciate
the things we hog on year after year,
the people who we don't pay as much attention to,
the meaning behind every gesture,
the sunshine even at sunset,
the ability to feel the day in its full 24-hours,

what hurts the most
is not realizing
how much
you were hurting
me day by day,
and not realizing
I was being hurt
by you everyday

it's the friend
that's always
there for you,

it's the hand
that reaches out
to you before
you even
get the chance
to ask,

it's the voice
pushing you
forward
when all you
want to do is
give up,

it's the warm
embrace
that seduces
serotonin into
your veins,

everyone's entitled
to their own
perceptions of the world
and how the clock
ticks away each hour
of the day,

no one should
define who you are,
what you feel,
what you need,
other than the
spirit residing
in that body of yours,

my childhood
was short-lived,

my skin was
repeatedly irritated
until it grew thick,

vulnerability was
never an option,

meaning didn't
always accompany
the sacrifices,

I did not always
get answers,
or ones that I had hoped for,


I did not always
have an answer,
but I have always
tried.

You say, "I love you" to me,
when you are happy..

but you say that I don't deserve you,
when you are mad.

You say that I am beautiful,
when you are happy.

but you say that you could do so much better than me,
when you are sad.

You say "I miss you" to me,
when you are happy.

but you say "leave me alone I couldn't care less about you",
when you are mad.

You say that it's hard to find someone like me in this day and age,
when you are happy,

but you also say...
that I make your life harder,
that I always seem to **** up,
that you should leave me,
that you don't find happiness in me,
that what is standing between our relationship and goodbye is a single mistake from me,
that a single moment can change everything,


so what is it you love, miss, and find beautiful about me?
so what is it you deserve more than my best that I gave you?
so what is that I can improve to make you find happiness in me if all of it is subjective and arbitrary to you?

so why do you say "I love you"
when you are happy

but never,  "they can never make me leave you"
when you are sad?

why do you say "I miss you"
when you are happy,

but never, "I need you"
when you are sad?

why do you say "you are mine"
when you are happy,

but never make feel like you are here to stay?

..

We are out here
trying to make it out of
whatever we think
we need to try to make it out of,

will we ever reach
where we think
we need to reach,
if we are never
where we need to be?

I feel like a prisoner
amid all the chaos
that defines the parameters of my life,

Entangled in battles that aren’t mine,
when I can barely find the strength to fight my own.

Enforcing silence upon
all the oppression I have endured,

Feeling like a therapist with confidentiality clauses
constantly being shoved down my throat,

except no law is binding me to stay silent,
but there is simply no one to vent to.