Black and white dreams
Less conventional
            it seems
Yet,
         I still believe
That too
    many
colors
Can fade out
        the true meaning
And if
       I dream of death
Then it's *just
                   the beginning

Touched by the winds, the dull candle flickers
The shadow, she whispers upon the feline's whiskers
"What be out there?", I thought in my mind
Craved insecurities, but all in good time

I will not let it be, whispers and wonder
Tears do not fall, as I talk the words blunder
"Hath be I'm crazy?", spoke of myself
Closed eyes it seemed, as I only felt

Dressed in the nights, alone in my chair
Penning my life, ink smears and scared
I folded the paper, for it is all wrong
Scream the impossible, weakened not strong

It rapped on the walls, creaked bones inside
Given an ear, listen thy night
"What be out there?", I thought in my mind
Craved insecurities, but all in good time

I withered away, fear not my scenes
For I had taken it back by madness and dreams
Scraping the pane, gust open door
One step, two step, three step, four

Alone as I sit by shivering thought
Inside of my mind, restless and caught
It ruptured me cold, stiff and bit torn
Crashed through the pane, no longer born

The floorboards were bent by nothing but silence
Crime the mistaken, one second in violence
"What be out there?", I thought in my mind
Craved insecurities, but all in good time

01:52 am
have you ever asked yourself like why you so lonely?*

01:53 am
or empty?

that maybe you give too much of your essence to people and never leave any of you for yourself

01:55 am
i know i do

02:05 am
and like that's maybe why i get so attached to humans

because in them,
i find myself

02:07 am
i need to change, because things shouldn't be this way

02:10 am
but it's hard sometimes you know, when most days you don't leave the house because you feel unworthy of the space you take up

02:16 am
so you'd much rather disintegrate into soil because you've become all too familiar with people stepping over you and admiring the outcome of your beauty but never the roots of your pain

02:19 am
i spend so much effort watering people in order for them to grow and hardly get enough sun shine to feed my own soul

02:25 am*
because i don't know how to do anything else but care for everyone but myself

The day is near when your
happiness will burn, engulfed
it will turn it black. Not as before,
never will it grow back. As the
days move on sorrow replaces
that now in black.

Your joy will be ashes in your hands,
blown in to the wind, it was never
yours to give.  Now no others will
benefit, as the winds have hidden it
changing every moment never to let
you get it back.

Love was the last, the hardest to take,
but under foot buried in lava.
Over time melting the feeling that
once resided, now after time the
heart is weak, and love has left
this ash filled heart it as suffocated,
not a breath of love flowed back.

Wrapped in a corner
with second hand covers
Billowed cough, I hack
Smoke incensed and smothers

Cracked knuckles, I swear
in magazines of lies
Ponder, unhappy
Somber face then sighs

No shirt, no service
Hungered defeat
Walk back empty
No table no seat

She lay in the bath, half asleep or half awake she wasn't sure, but the warm water floated gently around her infinitely. And just like the memories in her mind the water lapped aimlessly at nonexistent edges, spilling over, as if wandering off the edge of the world.  
She moved her hand carelessly to tuck an escaped strand of hair behind one ear as the water hugged the creases and crevasses of her body, all contained in a white bowl of serenity with the only disruption in her mind. She starred absentmindedly into the reflection in the water, a distorted and watery version of her blue eyes and curly hair, although somewhere inside her she knew she was beginning to feel more like her reflection every day. Her tear stained eyes stared back at her, the makeup smudges making her look skillfully tired and worn as though an artist himself had hand crafted her very face and in the process aged her 5 years. Inside she lulled away, wanting to melt into the water and never care about anything more than was necessary. The soft, happy, carefree side temporarily locked away, with a combination that even she did not yet know. Instead an emotional whirlwind of feelings, angry and powerful tunneled out, amplified by so much as a word or a thought. It was these moments that almost took her by surprise, as if it was someone else pushing these people out, in an attempt to avoid explaining. This was accompanied by feeling as though the world had given her everything to live for and everything to lose in one breath. Her ragged breathing had eventually softened to an emotional sigh of trembling lips as she reimbursed herself with more hot water. Feeling it burn on her leg she watched pink ovals appear,  stinging with regrets and pain, a constant wishing to go back and re do and apologies and pause and rewind and forward.
With a click of her heel she snapped the plug away, maybe in some attempt to also drain herself of her tribulations that had almost enveloped her entire bath. Watching the water disappear quickly, she was entranced at the waters escape, loving how eager it was to run away from her. And with this she felt relief, as though she could finally breathe.

I felt misery deep within
Collapse my time
and make it thin.

An empty voice came inside
Send it back
We both collide!!

Tragic stops, can not miss
Count the seconds
to your last kiss

Haunts in my mind
with screams of Van Gogh
Mentally disturbed,
brush strokes and flow

Rip down the canvas,
stir up my thoughts
Dip into madness,
its not all his fault

I find it hard to keep my head on the level
          Keep thinking,
waiting for the second I lose my mental
     Missing some thoughts about you
Memory got shot, a drive-by from what the last guy put me through
     And some of the blood left a few stains
Bruises and scars but it ain't the same thang
            The marks everyone else can see ain't nothing compared to the rips and tears deep inside of me
       The stains on my soul turning what used to make me whole
          into something ***** and cold
      No amounts of bleach or scrubbing can make me forget
Nothing can help me escape from
             the laundry list of regrets
It beats me up inside,
       causes more, new and fresh bruises
               with every nightmare
And no matter how many dreams I have between,
         I can't seem to get there
To that place of no longer looking back,
            of thinking about the past
Cause some trauma tends to define
      what your **happiness lacks

Feed the broken monster
with the strangled mind
Replace the rusted screws
and tighten from behind

**** the broken monster
deep inside of me
Twisted rotten moment
no longer can I see

I felt death wandering in my brain
Marching to a small hand drum,
As melancholy people crowd  
Beating till my mind was numb.
And in its very grip I was
A state of mindless, echoing pain
A Solitary hum of clouds
With nothing left to give or gain.
Rain was crashing in my eyes
And hope was hard to find
Hard knot ties were losing grip
And fate was dark disguise,
And within this struggle a feeling of
Being rushed towards the ground,
Without anyone to catch your fall
Or to hear you make a sound.
Love and loss come hand in hand
And Sometimes it's hard to see,
Why someone would put so much faith
In a person like me.