You know you're in it deep
When 500 calories a day
Seems like too much to even contemplate.

When you see the number on the scale
Going down continuously
But the reflection in the mirror
Widening.

First your eating is disordered
Then you have what they call an eating disorder
And then there's no eating to it.

You know you're in it deep
When you sit down to a meal
With your family
And you break into tears.

And nobody can even tell.

i could go to the courtyard, if i wanted to.
i won't, but i'll pretend to, so i get the heady rush of possibility.
but i never told you why i love the smell of rain and you never told me why you love like rain
i guess we're even,
i guess we can't rely on karma to get by.
i think you should know that i love you, or used to love you, or will love you
i think you should know about the incisions. three over your heart and around it
and, and darling, is it too late to tell you about the fireplace? i hope not.
it's ashy and unused. we make a fine pair
you can be the puppeteer, if you want
i your perfect marionette (pale and pretty,
pearls at my throat)
your mind is racing. do you remember the cave, princess?
sorry, i know, you hate it when i call you that.
do you remember the blood on my hands? do you remember tipping my chin up, drinking it in
first the blood and then me
it was fast, but i understand. self control is a luxury
we can't all afford to be precise.
but, sweetheart, you misfired, didn't you? or didn't fire at all, meant to fire but forgot.
you don't like hospitals. you don't like orders and you don't like order
i know this. we both do.
(i know why you sit the way you do, back ramrod straight.
you're afraid of falling.)
you're afraid of your reflection
you ask me to paint you and when i'm finished
you bite your lip. "you look like your
father," i lie through my teeth
you couldn't be more different. i love this about you.
you listen to the same three albums on repeat
when i get tired of hearing them i ask you, measured
to please turn the volume down.
you turn it up,
smiling like you know a secret that i don't.
i stop asking you for things. it's okay,
this is normal.
you stopped answering me a long time ago, anyway.
when i turn to look at you, your fair hands are stained red. i do not breathe.
we stay like this, quiet and unsure
you filling the silence for me.
if you do love me, it's not in the way that everyone talks about
it's a hurricane love. this is not like breathing
it's like drowning
but you taught me to swim twelve years ago in a kiddie pool in the backyard
and i know i will never leave you. my strings are clutched too tight in your fists.
i move around but not beyond you. this is how it has always been.
when you kiss me, i taste metal on your tongue.
my mouth comes away red and i do not care
loving you is a blood sport anyway.
i will fold into you, become a bullet,
cry myself hoarse.
this is the only way i can be close to you.
i could go into the courtyard, if i wanted to, but you're there
and i don't want you to know about me.

What will you say
When he stops breathing
Take the blame
Form a lie
Watch your torn children fall in line
Forget about him
Hide the tragedy
Let your teething guilt eat you alive?

Wait, I forgot mother
Do you ever eat?
Where did you go?
You're what I need
I yearn for a real mom
To tuck me in
To play a game, let me win
I'm a victim of your heartbreaking sin

Your starving toll to death
Became my triumphant downfall
People say I'll be okay
But what was the Devils price to pay?
A slap on the wrist
A depressed kid
Ending his life
Not wishing he never did

She sat in that chair by the window,
Watching as life went by.
Hoping to receive the letter,
The letter that never arrived.

She sat in that chair by the window,
Listening to the sounds of life.
Clutching to the hope of the letter,
The letter that never arrived.

She sat in the chair by the window,
With the light fading from her eyes.
She never gave up the hope of the letter,
The letter that never arrived.

As I sat in that chair by the window,
With a tear running from my eye.
I wished I had sent that letter,
The letter that never arrived.

You are
dreams to me
magical and mystical but fleeting

You are
hope to me
strong and powerful but diminishing

You are
forever to me
continuous and intriguing but pointless

You are
laughter to me
my only thoughts to me
the saviour from my darkest days to me
                                                           twisting changing
Calm down and trust it, they say

Dear Random Strangers,
            
Your sideways glances and whispered remarks have been noticed.
What you think has no effect actually means the world.
I would like to ask you...
No...Beg you...
To please stop judging me because of the marks on my wrist,
Allow me the chance to tell you my story,
Before you put the damaged book in the trash.
I know my corners are dog-ear,
Yes some pages are ripped,
And my cover is torn and scratched.
But looks can be deceiving.

Random Stranger, I know we haven't met
But every time one person disregards me,
It becomes more easy to believe I am trash,
And it makes me want to throw myself away...

Dear Random Stranger,

I don't think you understand,
How much what you did means...
By stopping for a single moment,
And actually caring...
Well it kinda changed me.
I can't fully express my gratitude,
For I have never been great with words...
But that single moment changed my future...

So, although it barely brushes the surface...

**Thank You

Time after time,
I might love you,
Until the time I let go:

Until I die.

Will it be OK when I can't feel my heart anymore?
Could I still love the harsh cries,
The deadly, lovely words
Meant for you?

Would you call it love
If I wrote you
A thousand poems?

Were we meant to be
Tonight,
Alone with only our thoughts
And the knowledge
We did it the same as yesterday?

I can't take anymore.