I secretly hope
on the long nights when it feels like the sun will never beam on your face again
that
you'll think of me softly
I pray you'll imagine me reaching for your fingertips
lacing them with my own
maybe you'll remember
me grazing your cheek with the soft part of my small hands
scooping away the tears with my fingertips
doing my best to take all your sadness into my own palms
or my quiet kisses on your delicate cheek
the soft whispers of " I love you"'s and "don't give up on me"'s
the words that you didn't hear with your ears
the words that traveled in a straight shot to the inner workings of your brilliant heart
I hope on these nights
you remember who loves you most in this world
who always will
I hope for the better part of forever, I'm there with you
reminding you someone out there wants the same things you do
My last hope, is believing
that I can still keep you safe
that I'm still your refuge
when the air turns bitter

1
You were my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first grown up moment
older, seemily sophisticated
you had this idea that the world was lucky to have you in it
a god complex like no other
and let me tell you, you had 15 year old me,
convinced
I felt lucky
I felt old and sophisticated
and although
you were just a bump in my road
I'm thankful I knew someone like you
I think of you from time to time
I remember you with giggles
and innocence
as well as with ice cream and tears
oh how sweet and naive a 15 year old can be
#2
You've always been my favorite.
stood tall, sweet
you thought I was the best thing that ever happened to you
I swear you would've tried to move those mountains
just to see me dance with a smile
you loved me with pure intentions
and a sparkle in your eye
I'm sorry I ruined that love story for you
you deserve a great love story more than any of us
to the first boy I ever loved,
it felt like magic. didn't it?
heart flutters and forehead kisses
faded all too quickly
I think of you from time to time
I hope you find the girl who holds your great love story in the palm of her hands
oh how sweet a first love can be
#3
I call you the lion in poems
you took whatever innocence I had left in my fragile frame
I never had seem evil with my own two eyes until I met yours
you gave me a pit in my stomach and a fear in my heart
you showed me some actions can never earn forgiveness
and some people are so ugly
they don't deserve love
I think of you from time to time
especially in the nightmares
I hope you shutter at the thought of my name
thanks for teaching me how to bring a power hungry man to his ******* knees
I won't forget that lesson
oh how sweet a corrupt man can be
#4
my muse
you have been the subject of my words since the day I laid eyes on you
brilliant, brave and bold
you are the root of any and all
of my inspiration
how could anyone not fall for you
no one ever warned me about the sad brown eyes
and the sulky smile
no one ever told me the greatest loves
make for the most epic heartbreaks
you are a wicked man my love
but if there's anything this heart of mine beats for
it's a troubled boy begging for a home
I let you in, no trouble at all
it's getting you out, thats been a little more difficult
I think of you all the time
days on end, minutes on high
my mind is polluted with the images you left for me to find
I hope you know,
my baby is you. till the end of time
oh how troubling a life saving love
can be

Can you believe it only costs $4.17 for a 10-pack of razor blades?
Free if you pocket them.
But after paying for every mistake I own, it seems so wrong for suicide to be so free.

There is a pit that has made a home in my stomach
it's been living there, growing there
since the day you laid your hands on me
the day you slid your hands to places they had no right to be
the night you took advantage of the position
you knew you had
ever since then there are words that make my head foggy
and there are boys who can put me **** close to cardiac arrest
just by looking
for a little too long
you called it miscommunication
you called it regret
you called it asking for it
I call it assault
I call it waking up at 3 AM every morning
in a cold sweat, another nightmare
I call it scrubbing myself raw every night in the shower
trying to rid of the skin cells your fingers grazed
I call it jumping whenever my kind boy reaches for my hand
out of love
you are a man made of dirt
you are a lion
so why are you preying on butterflies
I don't know when I allowed you to tear off my wings but I am reclaiming them
today.

I've always been afraid to be ******
Never wanted to be a raging hormonal beast
Loving her parts but not her whole
Perverse thoughts staining my soul

But wanting her skin AND mind is fine
An appreciation that ages like wine
Thinking of your body while feeling your light
Wanting to make love then hold you tight

To please is to love
Learned that from above
Your comfort is a priority
*** is wanted but part of the minority

No scheme or plan
Coming before you a bare man
Offering the radiant tangible feelings in my hand
Fighting to stay when other ran

Drowning in the depth of her essence
Overcome by your totality
Unable to exist with you in reality
Hence why he's the latest fatality

But I'm here on demand
Trust me, I'm your biggest fan
Don't worry, it'll be alright
I'll be here when you greet the morning light

Oh how you'll never know how much I miss you
I should have held you a little longer every night we shared
I should have snuck a bottle of your cologne to spray through all my clothes
I should have let you kiss me when we were fighting
I should have hugged you tighter
I should have hugged you tight
our ribs connected so we could never part.
I should have gone to war for you
that night
I should have turned you around
made you stay
Why'd you leave lover?
Now theres a permanent icy spot
on the left side of my bed
on the left side of my heart
& you my love
you were my right hand
all the better parts of me
are intertwined in my mess of loving you
no one comes close lover
no one comes close

On cold mornings
I always take a few minutes out of everyday to picture what it would feel like if you were still here
I imagine you laying next to me
holding my hand
kissing my forehead
on really cold mornings I swear I can still feel your touch
but when the minutes are up
I open my eyes
& you're there
& I'm here
its heartwrenching and horrendous
but that is the reality of this fairytale

one night you asked me if I remembered what it was like to be in love with you
I laughed to myself because
baby
how could I forget?
you standing there, hands in your pockets
the smile whenever you laid your eyes on me
the t-shirt you wore under your clothes, everyday,
because it was once your fathers
the scar behind your left ear
that appeared after fighting for your sister
How could I forget?
dancing barefoot on the cold kitchen tiles
laughing so hard we could feel it in our hearts
smoking in your car, blasting music
making future plans to run away
I knew then I had it all
I know now, forgetting will never be an option for us
How could I forget you?
I could've sworn you put the sun in the sky and the stars in my eyes
there's no forgetting a love like ours

It took me seven years
to realise
the words in my mind
were too deep for
my mouth to dig up
I thought it was easier
to open my skin
and let the truth
pour down my arms

It took me seven years
to realise
nobody should be allowed
to touch parts
of your home
or hold pieces  
of your heart
that you don't yet understand

It took me seven years
to realise
I will wear these scars
forever
I'll carry them
through every smile
every kiss
every concerned gaze
I'll carry them
to my grave

It took me seven years
to realise
the pain carved
into the walls
of my castle
etchings of
attempting to disappear
are not a story of weakness
but a tale of
how I survived

The hand that written have
become frozen.
Words have become
meaningless.
The paper is just an empty
blank space.
The love story is never
the same.

How can I say I love you,
when a poet died
and words are no more a word for love?
But instead, words have become a hurtful way
to **** somebody soul,
Like the poet.