expectations are steady creeping
everyday smiles all a praise
oh what a day what a day
and then another goes by
how long can i stick with this facade
skipping stones inside my own mirage
now sobriety reminds my I started in the first place
it was to maybe find a way to get away yet still
Seasons pass feelings remain ever-last
Regret I wasted her time and put doubt in her mind
About love and whats the meaning
Lonely men weep themselves because we see so clear
Move along theres nothing to see here
God what a fear have I begun
Its almost like I knew it'd begin again
Nothing can stop the inevitable
I've been delaying this for far too long
I just wanted to make a change for myself
But now I see that has only gotten me more disgusted
So now I fold throw my hands up like there was room to be bold
Who would of ever known
The person who smiles away everyday
Had such a burden to pay
Just let go

whispering shadows lean in for a hear
a little whimper as down falls a tear
why do people constantly **** on me
are they searching for something more
beyond the green pastures of safety
do they see something i had missed
i feel comfort in myself
that it causes others to seek discomfort
am i so in self tuned that it makes me
seem so out of equalibrium
i dont blame people who are mean to me

a toliet is made to be **** in
a punching bag gets punched
a soccer ball gets kicked
a staircase gets stepped on
a door is made to be closed
if i wasnt so busy opening the door
maybe one day ill know to close it
time to flush the toliet

People say to me life is short
but then they say to me
what do you want to be
how many kids will you have
do you know where youre going?

people say live life to the fullest
then they waste my time
monday through friday
6am till 3pm
then afterwards they want me to spend hours doing more work

life's precious we say
another cigarette away
reject another dream of ours
put a posionringed bottle to my lips
its not okay until im 21 because then
is when life is no longer as precious as before.
so we arrest our dreams and trap them
daily inside our most basic routines
let the precious time dwindle away
just so we can look back and say
lifes short
so lets spend our priceless seconds and hours and value them at 12$ an hour
because it is so precious to us

what is it that fills you with malice
the fact that you will die alone and afraid
or
the fact that you lived alone and afraid

you bring me down
i could of been a bald eagle who
spread his wings wide over the globe
laid down his wings and took the earth
grasp it in my slick talons and swing it
then let it go and watch it fly like an egg
but you brought me down and now
im a cracked egg spilled on a
cracked sidewalk scattered by love
picked at walked on chewed up beat down burnt up by the unjust sun cooked sunnyside up with my yolk filling in the cracks becoming the ground that you walk on.
exactly where i belong
its too late for me im already insane
already in love with being alone
yet you still sit there on a cracked sidewalk remoreless with fork and knife slowly dissecting my love for myself eating it up and ******* it back out just to take something beautiful and make it ugly its in our nature
it is who we are we cannot run from it
only embrace it and learn to love the ****

i put the world on a ring on her finger
she turned to me and said
the neighbor has a galaxy of stars on her finger
so i picked up the peices
to my shattered little china heart
put them on a ring and gave it to her

take a long look at the last blue house
see the broken shutters litter the light
inside remains the beauty of all hope
trapped forever in the wishing well
no penny will ever reverse this pain
wishes are only granted for the worthy
it is time to tear down the blue house
and feel the sorrow of the beautiful

the cup is filled to the brim of blood
the silver chalice lies in her hands
hear the drip droning from the enslaved
licks the perimeter once for good luck
the skin of the devil crawls
as she takes your cup and with her
black skinned sunglasses hisses down
your blood
licking the stains of life
slowly her tongue probes from her lips
the scorpion tipped tongue crawls around
slowly everlastingly she scuffles the chalice
the bottomless serenade swept aside
that scorpion tipped tongue glances
and the fearless devil shrinks down a size
a new empress slithers into the throne
forever enshrined and hailed
as she licks the slivers of your blood
from the plush thorn-bush lips of love
with her black skinned sunglasses hissing

we just grew apart
i was never enough for her
she will tell me how wrong i am
that i filled her cracks with cement
in reality i was a thin plastic
on a bridge that demands steel
demands a good unselfish man
the cracks in my plastic snapped
underneath the pressure of desire
you and i are not the same
we tried
we tried
in the end she wanted a love from me
too powerful for me
too emotional for me
a love she gave and hoped for in return
hopefully she waited a year
and the more she fell in love
the more i drifted apart
i could only give a skimp excuse
it really is not her fault it is mine
she believed in me put her faith inside
and i never returned the favor
she wanted a real love
passionate
fulfilling
enduring
i am none but a false sense
i am the eye of the hurricane
you will not hear me roar until
i am gone

Mediocrity moans the ******* pleasure
Spurring melting love drips from its lips
Amateur hour whisking the air away
Volcanic ash filling the punctured lungs
Lifelessness pours downwards onto the *******
Nothing left between us
Just death and memories of the better days

The birds call keeps punching me till I'm sleeping
Maybe one day I'll just keep on dreaming
About the roses and how they glisten glazed in the sun
On and on petals leap till noones left breathing
Lie awake listen your mind to the tweeting
Call again and suddenly I'm standing bleeding
Out of the words to describe this feeling
My minds set on moving forward into the bleak end
I hear your call whisper my name
from the poison ivy black lips
Listen to the whizzing of the hissing snake between your teeth
As the phone screams its time to stay awake
Never too much to take away
I made my own bed of rose petals now tell me is it time yet
The bleak end never seemed so clean
Another lost soul latches onto another rose
The lights of the past blind the eyes of the future
Please pick up the phone the birds are calling
Don't you want it all to slither away?
We all missed you today
Will you ever be okay
I brought you a rose from my garden
Can you ever accept what I am giving
The birds are calling are you listening?
There are no roses left in the dreamland
Never before had **** smelled so sweet
Come and lie in this wasteland

ghosts lined up on the wall
no waiting now just be ready for the fall
for the beginning of it all
a dream colliding into a new light
the old ghosts fight the never-ending fight
the wall buckles under the pressure of it all
no more ghosts lined up on the wall
the life of the dead leave an empty rattle
the worlds most silent battle
step left march right the beat of the drum
the new sound makes the ghosts reminisce
of the worlds most silent battle
the new chime awakes the heaviest
There Is No Escape Not Even In Death

Lost in a hidden dim light
Keeping hold of what is right
Transfixed in the lights ways
Soon I will shatter the lights mesmerizing rays
Free the inner nature of darkness
A true form of self happiness
It's all that I want
It's all that I need
The only problem is what I do
Hurts the people that I love

From a cold breeze blows
Unforgiving of the little flower
Catching hold strangling the life
Keeping abreeze
Evermore alone
Drifting seamlessly endlessly

Understanding the flower will never be again enrooted
P*ieces slowly fall and the cold breeze blows it all away

Creeping in the crannies of every corner
Slowly casting its shadow onto me
Taking control in every aspect
A self doubt holds onto the reins of my life
Refusing to let me be me
Forming a shell around what was me
It is my enemy and yet it fools me into friendship
Either I will realize that we are enemies
Or I will be stuck in the seductive trance of a friend

I love to stare at clouds
Not because of the fact that they can be
Whatever suits me
When you stare at them

My love for clouds is because they are
Such a cliche metaphoric version of me
Clouds are made up of little things
Always running from their past

But eventually they will make life hell
With words of rain they spit onto you
Strike you down with lightening
Only then do they realize what damage
And despair
They had caused the innocent
And much like me the clouds
Disappear into the thin air

Sitting and drinking drinking drinking
Take a sip of lonesomeness here
A sip of shyness there
Drinking drinking drinking

Standing alone and drinking drinking drinking
Taking gulps of not being good enough here
Gulps of failure there
Drinking drinking drinking

Running from every shadow and drinking drinking drinking
Chugging a 40 oz of death here
Chugging what happens beyond death there
Drinking drinking drinking

Drunk on my own fears
Haven't drank a single beer
Every fear prevents something great from happening to me
An alcoholic is what I am

Eyes like ravens of the sun
Lips that beat my heart
Body finer then all of the diamonds
Hair that tempted Lucifer from heaven to touch

A Laugh that the birds could not compete
Even her cute little one dimple makes you want to
wage a war in her name
I have never believed in love but if anyone could make me believe,
It would be her


But what drives you most crazy about this woman is her soul
Deep within the bones melted inside of the city of her
Is just so perfect like when you find a 100 dollar
Bill unexpectedly and you just

Can't

Stop

Smiling

Learn to focus on the book
Chris whats that you are looking for
Focusing on the worlds big hook
Time to look for a different door

Knocking knocking all day long
Chris its time to go for a walk
Always knocking on the wrong
Walk and walk but nobody wants to talk

Every door every mistake
Chris you are so smart don't you see
Nothing left here to take
Blind is what I may be

If I could just get over myself
And put effort in everything else
Maybe then I wouldn't want to wall up
And scream until the hair under my arms spit
Venom into my lungs to make me afraid
Afraid of the fear of going away from the insanity
That lays inside my brain

Touch the spoils of me
Such few feel left
kids in africa have a worse life then you so quit CRYING
The verbal knives she throws into me
Seemed to have bore all the fun away
Why don't you LOVE me anymore
she asks me in such a tone sending guilt through the hair on my toes
meanwhile she denounces me at every corner
this is NOT good enough
it never was good enough not even the straight As
the hours I spent trying to make her happy again were never good enough
you are so LAZY just like your father
those words have stinged my teeth and wrapped braces of anger around
its not my fault I was born like him
Chris what is WRONG with you
I cannot figure this out mom as to why im so different
maybe i was born wrong god had chose me to live beyond understanding
stop playing the VICTIM oh poor chris his life is terrible
i grew up the victim of your disgrace and tears
the victim is the only thing I know I am
stop crying and be a MAN
only existing knowing words of my failures none of my successes
how else is a 15 year old supposed respond
you don't have any FRIENDS
mom i had reinvented myself for you
and yet you cannot even think of me
I am just a terrible MOTHER
no mom you are not terrible
its all my fault

My soul needs saving
Mary come close and
Grab hold of my heart
Purify it whole

Save me from what my future holds
Keep me from straying
Stop all these evil people coming in close
I need you to protect me
To keep me warm and to prevent me
From turning cold

Pull out the dread from my intestines
Save my soul or am I
too late
My devil demands that I throw you up
He wants to purify you from my heart
but  
My heart is empty
and he won't let me fill it up


Oh mother mary come and save me before I am gone

living just to impress,
cannot choose how to dress
without somebody patching their own cloth onto mine
and no matter what i cannot seem to unsew the demon in my skin
all i wanted was to wear my **** self and yet nobody could give this to me
a joy that i will forever be seeking
wondering what it will bring

closer and closer she comes for me
not even the ****** mary could help me now
i've tucked myself into the floodgates of my mother
and now i live to fear the wrath behind those closed gates
suddenly, mary closes my leg onto the gate and i knew
that my time of reckoning had come
holding onto the belief of resurrection,
and then the gates of my mother have implored themselves upon me
leaving with my skin and soul
yet the worse is to come as the insides creep forward
and the sins inside of myself pour down from the inside of her
burning the corpse of what i will be and what i was
all that remains is the perfect son
and i am gone.

living in places with no real faces
nothing but the pavement and similar races
houses cloud the judgment and create such a facade
that no one man can see straight at what glares obviously
at how this town really is

living in places with picket fences and fake smiles
nothing but the pavement and the smell of lawns waning
houses cloud what really lies underneath all these people
that they are all broken china dolls

living in places that are pieced together by the backbone
nothing but pavement and sweat trying to impress
houses cloud opinions making them constantly redress
tired of redressing i live with a plan to strive away from this place.

Living on the edge that exists on my reality alone
With no thing bearing me to the world known
Waiting to be lifted to the lands above
However no god could show that kind of love

Oh momma momma momma

How I am slipping away,
Lost from the path of my very own way
I am slipping on the idea of loving my father
and
I am slipping on the idea of being your son
but most of all
I am slipping on the idea of losing her faith in me

Now I have slipped to the bottom of the iceberg that is this cold world

Just know if I die today
I was never meant to stay,
Gone away to a land no religion can define
Into a world of my own divine.

Oh how I see it
When the sun kisses the land before going to bed
Oh how I hear it
When the birds sing their sweet melody entrancing the peace
Oh how I feel it
When the snow makes the hair on my skin nervous
Oh how I smell it
When the ink dries itself off on paper
Oh how I taste it
When the cinnamon bun melts the icy icing on its skin
But yet I refuse to believe in it

If I were a glass jar
I would overflow with a shyness
Such a shyness that stunts my growth
Blocking the sun never letting me blossom
From the tiny seed I am,
Into a large oak tree that towers over the shyness
Like a cockroach never dying always dismaying
I will always remain the tiny seed inside that glass jar
Until the seed dehydrates into death
And the jar shatters

She walks on water as if land wasn't enough
Sometimes she stops breathing due to oxygen being afraid
Afraid of the natural breathtaking beauty that is hers
Something so rare and sought out for by every girl
She possesses in every step that can make any boy
Want to become her knight in shining armour
But all she wanted was a boy who never changed
Never altered themselves for her
What she wanted was for someone to simply be real
To be everything they are even if it doesn't compare to her
This curse never came undone
And she lived life a beauty with no one.

You sit here telling me I am to emotional
You sit here telling me I give you shame
You sit here telling me I am nothing
You sit here telling me about your awful life
You sit here telling me to stop playing the victim
You sit here telling me you were a straight A student
You sit here telling me that this house is all you have left
You sit here telling me that I am going to end up like my father
A lier, theif, crook, and a bad husband

However you, mom are were I get my emotions from
However you, mom bring shame to the name
However you, mom aren't even important to me
However you, mom have made your own mistakes
However you, mom cry about how you're always the victim
However you, mom dropped college and is now struggling
However you, mom don't even realize that once had me
However you, mom make me choose him over you

You mom bring tears to my eyes
You mom are overprotective and crazy
You mom yell at me for doing nothing
       When you sit here yelling at me that I am nothing
You mom could have changed your life forever with me
You mom are the victim of yourself
You mom are underpaid and dropped out of college
        Look at where those all important grades got you
You mom were once the color of my life
         And now you are out of my crayon box
You mom took me away from you, when you chose a house over me
You mom are the sole reason that I want to be my father

I would rather be a bad husband and a good father
Then be a ******* dad and a good husband.

The entirety of my short life has been dedicated to finding
A way to save the wicked from falling
Trying to save a life within a statement
A statement that can spur imagination in the most vacant
More importantly one that can take your sinning,
Narrow soul and broaden its boundaries to new beginnings
Opening the gates of learning the soul of others and their company of good faith in which you both live to share.
I search for something that I have already seen
The answer lies inside of every human being
This answer is not spoken but is in reaction
To each others infrastructural abstractions

In front of me always lies a patch of black ice
And whenever I take the chance and step forward
I end up sliding backwards
Even further then where I started

Adapting everlastingly I stopped going forward
However even when I stood still it seemed I go back
Everyone would look at me and say why so afraid
Why so shy why so lazy why why and why
That's when I realized that I had never stopped going forward
That in doing nothing I really ran further then before
And now I have slipped on that familiar feeling ice
When I look at the ice all I see is the monster that holds me down
And when I look at my reflection in the ice
I stare and let myself become trapped in the ice, in the monster
The only way to go forward
Is to break the ice, the monster; myself
The only thing that blocks me from being free is me

Whenever something terrible would happen in my life
I would scream to the heavens
Asking why God, why me
And he would never answer
That's when I lost my faith in God

Before I would believe that it was my destiny
My way my path was driven on pain
Then I realized that I was not chosen
That God was wrong, even God made mistakes
And even God lost faith in my too.
That's when I lost my faith in myself.

"You are so unappreciative of what you have"
She screams at me as I lay in a bunk bed
My mattress is from 1982
With my feet dangling over the side
And my soleless shoes lay dead on the floor
My blanket filled with holes
My closet with my clothes from last year all over the floor
All hand-me-downs
My Christmas list half filled
The two presents I really did need
Never came
And not once did I beg for anything more

Little does she know that the school kids
Have a king temperpedic matress
Their five pairs of shoes wore once underneath
Their wool blankets to keep warm
Bran new year brand new clothes
Hand-me-downs I think no
Their Christmas list complete and more
With presents they did not use or care for
And all I can hear from them is more more more

Like a piece of wood floating
I feel I am drifting
Drifting on a sea of expectation
And like the wood I have easy ignition
Now I am burning of disappointment
In a deep sea full of judgment
Down and down I go deeper
And the fire burns darker
Until the sea is dried
And the wood has died

The sun hides away
And she comes out to play

She spins me on a wheel
Always going to fast, to slow

She grips my very skin and shakes it
Until it is lost

And now I am everywhere
All at once I fall

falling falling

Every bit of me is out and she takes me
Rekindling me with stitches that
Give away on the moment she wants
She controls me and worse of all

I am her and she is me

Feel my light, feel my pain
Feel my darkness feel without vain
I am a creature that lures in my dark,
Around my head like tree with new bark

Feel my light, feel my pain
Feel my darkness feel without vain
Every night a new nightmare
Nothing good can compare

People are partying away
As the clock moves closer to my day
My dying day that draws near
Nearer and nearer on every new year
Until one year the clock falls asleep
And the clock takes my soul to keep

I gave her my teddy bear.
A bear that had loyally guarded my side for 3916 nights
Fighting off the face of darkness with honor and courage
He was a friend to me when no one else heard me cry
He heard me weep and always was there my little teddy bear
As mom boarded up her car and began to live a new life
Without me
I gave her my teddy bear
Now nobody can save me from the dark for only could
My little teddy bear

-GoCe

A fools paradise
I can feel myself slowly edging towards the sensation
The sensation that so many in my spot has felt
A rush that makes you feel alive even though it may be fatal

When I butter my bread
Cut the veggies and onions
Slice the tomatos
Crack a hole in the ketchup seal
My mind drifts to it
Wanting to feel it so bad
But knowing the consequences
I have always thought of it as a false paradise
A place where the nearly dead find a way to get closer to death
But feel as if they have gone further away from it


A fools paradise

-rae