I've spent so much time
thinking,
wondering what I'm doing here.

The flowers are blooming in the vase
petals,
so much beauty out of death.

My life is spent in many
colors,
if you ask my favorite color,
I'll always say it is rainbow.

I don't know how long I'll be
here,
I'm sure I'll let a coin toss decide.

I tie dyed these sheets myself
with help,
I'm scared the color will wash out.

I'm scared my color will wash out
dead,
with nothing but a colorful room
with shriveled petals lying around a vase.

You again.
Haunting my thoughts late in the night,
just as every night before this.

I can never keep your poison out of my heart.
You are the disease crippling me.
Forcing me to gasp for air and write terrible poetry.

How many years have I been under your spell?
A lost and hopeless cause,
a dog begging for scraps of affection.

It's been almost a year since I've moved away
and yet you're still swarming my brain in odd evening hours.
I want to hold you in my arms and keep you there forever.
I want you to hold me in yours and want the same.

You will never love me like you love her.
I hate you both for that, but anytime I mention hate around you,
you transform into a three foot green alien
spouting jumbled wisdom occasionally hard to follow.

I wish I could just move on.
I've tried so hard. I did everything you told me to.
Everything you ever asked.
You told me I was the perfect girl for you,
but you just didn't love me.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Why do I give you this hold on me?
I've let you in year after year, and you say I'm in your world too.
Yet the facts point to something else.
You hide from me. You put limits on what we are and what we could be.
You lie. Good intent or ill will has yet to be determined,
however, to me, a lie is a lie. And you know that.

You act as if I'm just a side show in your life.
Something that can be there for your entertainment if the main event isn't what you hoped for.
I'm a distraction.
And I can feel it.

The one willing to do anything for you is the one you want the least.
It's a curse I've put on myself by waiting on you hand and foot for years.
Unnoticed and underappriciated.

The little recognition I get comes few and far between.
You say I'm everything you want,
but actions speak louder than words.
So far, your actions have hurt
a deep soul wrenching pain of questioning inside my heart.
"Why her and not me?
She doesn't treat him well.
She isn't there when he breaks."

But in the end, she is the one he'll run to.
Always.

Oh how I miss the stars,
The ones in the sky that I would often gaze upon,
always thinking of you.

Those stars always made my heart feel heavy.
Made me feel like I was so large, and so small.

Eventually those stars in the sky were replaced by the stars of your eyes,
the little reflection of your glasses, the one's I picked for you.

I stopped going out and looking at stars once winter came.
But that was okay, because I had your stars.
Now it's heating up,
and we're cooling down.

I'll be reunited with my old stars soon,
Just after I've said goodbye to yours.

Coming dangerously close to the edges of humanity.

Eternal life forever questioned.

Look through the darkest hole.

Lazy eyes find nothing at all.

Abundant life lies beneath the surface.

Recurring dreams guide only the willing.

Dominate beings succumb to death.

Openly inviting others to join in.

Optimism gets you nowhere.

Rightful places are never known.

I hate this feeling.
I hate that you, of all people dearest to me, have brought it upon me.
I hate never knowing if we're up or down.

I feel as if you've poisoned our relationship,
And by poisoning our relationship, you've let the poison drip through my veins
I can feel it coursing through my blood.
It's a curse that in the past, I would have thought only you could lift.
Telling me that everything was going to be fine.

But now, I'm finally seeing how much bad you've done to me.
How much bad I've done to myself.

Once I thought you were the most stable position in my life,
Always there for me to lean on.
Now I realize I can only lean on myself.
That's what love does, it chokes you.
It leaves you gasping for air.
Now and then you can get high on the loss of oxygen,
But wait too long and you'll die.

Somewhere deep in my heart a love burns for you,
Still unsettled within my breast,
Longing for a better understanding of your soul.

With a simple gesture,  time and time again, you've swept me off my feet,
Yet somehow with every passing day,
Our fates seem to drift farther from what I have dreamt.
This drift, though small, seems a mass so grand,
I feel as if my only choice is to watch as time runs away.

But as I watch those precious moments trickle by,
I can only marvel at how wonderful you have made my existence.
With every day, you've shown me the wonders of my own soul,
And I am left to wonder what lies inside your own intentions?

And though I may feel as if our time is nearly spent,
I also know from within that fire deep in my breast,
That our paths have not crossed for a final time,
But have only drifted apart,
A missed stitch in a tapestry much more grand than you or I can see.