Mysterious covenants
withdrawn from society
and told not to speak of.
Hidden vouchers of happiness
and a life of wealth
buried among the most
ancient temples in the world.
Never to be spoken of
due to fear of realization
that this world is a mound of
disappointment and ridicule.
No one body be free
and no one soul live comfortably.
Wether in wealth, in mental health
or in streak of stealth.
In realizing all set up for failure
we try and we fall..
We give everything we contain
to fail and to die.

I am anything but disgusted with you.
The way you smiled
or the ridiculous squeak in your laugh.
I am anything but in awe the way you  loved me.
or the way you touched me
with such elegance.
I am anything but upset
with the way you made promises, with the way you broke them.

I know tendencies of humans,
and how it is not so easy to stick around with such an unloving soul.
it is treacherous to breathe the same air
of a person who is broken.
I could never have expected you to.
I could never ask such a thing.

I am not mad that you are gone,
I am mad that I let you stay and destroy the person I once was
for the person you thought I should be.

if one day my skin started to rot
i'd spend the last hours of my life here.


i'd pace back and forth in this familiar
scene with all my wrong-doings on repeat


i'd rewind and rewatch the times i replied
with words i didn't mean and throwing fists i couldn't clench.


I'd reload the entire decade i spent absent
and remind all my friends that i needed them here.


i'd throw myself deeper to stress the recoil
i subjected myself to
and rerun the episodes where i spun around in circles trying to grip the reins on my affliction.


i'll never be able to reconcile the seconds. the days. the years i spent crawling inside of my body looking for a warm place to nest.
in fact i think i'm still searching.


if my skin is starting to decay, the rest of my body will soon.
but i can't stop pacing and the tapes keep playing
for me to reminisce on my remorse.
and all i can think about is how badly i want a redo.

The miracles of your being rest light in my chest
I'm much further along now. I understand why.
The reasons of our departure are justified, and they need rest easy.
It no longer surprises me, and I am not hurt.
You. You and your elegance, the little bit you had.
Calling me back to bed while your lips pressed the words you never spoke.

You built me up. The words you spoke stuck strong, stuck hard.
I could easily lose my mind wondering everything you ever thought.
If your hands were to ever speak they'd tell me to leave.
Not a single bone in your body wanted my company.
Soon enough, you'd give up. Soon enough I'd be gone away.
Soon enough you'd see what you had done to make this fail.

Nothing is as it had been.
I miss your voice like hell.

Been thinking about what went wrong. How everything changed.
And though it makes sense, I don't know what to make of this.
There was no point to our love, we acted off of impulse.
And though it makes sense, I don't want to believe it.

My choices led us to where we are now.
I did what I could to keep myself happy.
I tried. I'm trying.

Come on, love. Watch me fall to pieces.
I'll be where you envisioned I'd always land, deep below your feet.
And the remorse, if any, will **** you alive.
I can only imagine the lack of emotion you're carrying, just as always.
If you'd ever shed a tear, if you'd only let it go.
But now, don't let me be the reason you broke.


You tried, but not much.
You gave the bare minimum. And I believed it.
You let me think the substance was much thicker.
Your lies and deception were all too good to believe.
But now you're gone, and I'll let the memories of us fade.
Because if I don't,
I'll lay in your shadows for eternity.

It's cold on the floor, but my bed is where our memories lie to rest.
So watch me as I sleep in anyone else's bed but mine.
Watch me fill my need for affection with those who give none.
Watch the mindless beings I bring into my life take over my soul.
Watch my obsession of anything other than you, and us, and how we were before.

Nothing makes sense anymore, not that it ever did with you.
But now even less, even more-so of a reason to fall.
I realize the fault in my actions. But you never will.
And that's something I'll have to live with forever.
Rest easy, to something that once was.
Rest easy to everything I ever thought I was.

I let myself get into a mess
only to make you clean it up
and youre sick of it.
I let everything I love
turn to trash
only to pick it up and dust it off.
I let myself get stuck in lies
only to tell myself its everyone elses fault.
I let everyone around me walk all over me
only to see that I deserved it.
All in all
ive let myself down
and everyone else around me.

**c.e.

maybe one day
when the sky is painted black
and the trees fall from the sky
so blissfully the leaves turn gold,
you'll come back, you'll make the decision to love me again.
maybe once
when your mind trickles into the depths of my heart,
when the waves and the air are crisp and cool,
you'll become enticed with the fire in my eyes and remember why we grew those fields in the first place
now, if I knew anything about how to live.
if I took my thoughts and emptied my mind,
I'd let each emotion fly off into infinity.
I'll see how dangerous I am, and how misguided you'll be.
for the rest of your life, without a love like mine.
I'll be the deprived one, and you'll be crazed by where you've taken place.
but that's just your decision.

my whole body
it holds secrets
from head to toe
each scar
each imperfection
holds a different story
and my heart contains
every being
and every hurt ive ever felt
my head pounds
and reminds me
that ive been torn
and ive lived a thousand lies.
everything around me
reminds me that I am only
a person
not a superhero
but that wont stop me
from trying to take on the world
with no regrets or restrictions.
my will power
and the way I think
will lead me to destruction
and that will keep me
from living to my fullest extent
so give me a break
and give me some time
to regret my decisions
and learn from all ive done.

have you ever dreamt
of flames and ignition
to everything you loved
and wondering why it deserved to die
wondering what you've done
and how much pain you've caused
how the world has bestowed hate upon you
why not one soul paid mind to you
and whole hearts burying themselves
because you've been targeted to death
and it has become all you want
have you ever dreamt of death
and of whole heartedly
hurting yourself
because of everything you've done to the world
because you're the problem
and you cannot fix any of it

*(c.m.e.)

don't you ever look at a person
stare deep into their soul
and see the lack of depth they contain?
wondering why that feeling is so familiar
and wondering where you've seen it before.
because you sit to yourself and think
"I could never become that way"
but you find yourself intrigued
you want to know more
why anyone would feel like that.
but you understand
and you get it.
because when you finally realize why
you see that you are a reflection of these people
but you, in a sense are whole.
because you know how you want to be
and in no way is it like this.
now you see what you've become
and how you've dug yourself a hole.
and now you're angry
and now you're punishing yourself
because you finally see
you have broken yourself
and there's no way to regenerate the hope.

white feathered birds-
trees high, mountain tops.
sun sets on the west coast,
and pottery barns filled
with colorful mugs.
paintings with a story
that line the walls of diners-
puffs of a cigarette
on your front porch in summer.
little wonders of life
and questions of common actions.
beautiful questions
asked by the smartest of folk.
because there is nothing
we know all about.

-----

ground poles put
in front of boundaries
and cruel discussions
between man and woman.
golden manes
and good haircuts-
coffee on a Saturday morning.
green grass grown
full and rich
and daisies bloomed in the winter.

-----

reminders of what we all dream for
and what we shoot for.
looking in the future
and loving your current self
breathing techniques
due to anxiety-
calm yourself
be free
and love all you contain

the black and white notebook
perched on your bookshelf
reeks of aged blood
and insincere thoughts

does your mind
no longer prosper
the way you once described it?

you sang sweet lullabies
to the dark isle of trees
beckoning you to
distance yourself once again.

remind me why we
refuse to cry
what happened to the hope?
rejuvenation is scarce

my dear, what has it come to?
*you taught me nothing

The drapes in your skull
and your sunken in eyes,
who has broken you?
-
Collarbones protruding
from your withered chest
and your lungs heave for one breath-
one breath too many.
-
The stress of the days,
and the strawberry blonde boy
you fell in love with
on the countryside.
Your heart is broken.
-
Slumped in the cracked city
you are forced to call home,
and the loved ones who have passed
but whom are not dead.
-
Ridiculing the creeping insects
looking for a home.
*****, gross, worthless
You realize.
That's what they call you
-
Sun setting a forcefully pale orange,
awakening the night.
Time for your dismay to set.
-
Light your cigarette
and ash it on your skin,
amazed by its burn.
Pain? None.
-
An insomniac's racing mind
and all the wonders of the world.
Waiting, time contemplating.
-
Wishfully disappearing
just like your soul did.

Your bones cast a shadow in the depths of your skeleton.
You once took a subtle beating to the skull
and played it off as your hands were wrapped in concrete.
Discovering your own marks and feelings within your body
- unheard truths spoken to the part of your heart
you have not yet discovered.
There your eyes lay to rest on a beautiful being
other than a fantastical collage of the beautiful things in life. Disengaging gruesome faiths to a god you'll never believe in.
Having nothing to grasp leaves your mind wandering
through the dangerous parts of a secret passage in all ends.
Never remembering why you're encouraged to fail
but knowing your fate lies in the hands of an unworthy witch
with a bad head on their shoulders.
With your dues written in stone
trudge along to the sound of your own dismay and sulk
while realizing your worth and your need.

*None of what we are will ever be worth anything that we should be

It would be so easy
to just end it all tonight.
Pills or knives
maybe a gun or alcohol
Because it's become apparent
that living is overrated
and when all else fails
and you cannot find help
nor hope
you find yourself
contemplation
wanting to evaporate
wanting to disappear.
No one cares
no one would notice.
It would be as easy as that
to just go
distraught
relentless control over mind
reckless rampage of body.
none of it seems worth it
so you see
suicide makes you alive.
so you'll forget the world and just go
so you can live.

and now I see that you
waltzed into my life
and took every feeling that I had
and trashed it-
burned it into the ground
and left me with nothing but
sorrowful memories
of all the precious things
I used to love.

i'm in love with the concept of it all.
i love how gentle the world is.
i love how sweet everyone is.


i'm infatuated by you and your words.
the sweet speak that protrudes from your lips,
and the way you look at me so softly.


if i wrote on paper the perfect life,
the perfect hallucination,
this would be it.


i spent so much time creating this
perfect reality,
but it's really not so perfect, and
really not so real.


but a constant state of delusion is comfortable.
it's home.
i'm just here, in my mind,
creating the perfect, not so real, world experience
of a lifetime.


so forgive me for the confusion
forgive my ignorance and forgive my mistakes
i'm not really here.
i'm in my own world, where on paper it looks
a whole lot better than it really is.


i'm exhausted.
im not really here.
forgive me.

It's so hard to continue living
when everything that surrounds you
is a negative implication of what you really are.
Being too ****** up in the head
and having too many internal problems
that you will never be able to fix
is the main factor that
entirely collapses peoples whole beings.
one thing after another
and eventually we'll be done
living for what
we will never understand.

at this point
it has come to my attention
that the one thing I wish I could control,
my body rejects and comes to
a sudden halt.
if there was one thing
I wish I could stop
it would be letting your poison
trickle through my veins
and captivate my mind
like it was the only thing
it knew how to do.
although I am to blame,
I myself have no control over
the things my heart and soul are carving
into my naïve and gullible brain.
Ive learned to live
with the hurt and unsettled wishes.
shattered dreams and scattered thoughts
due to you and your once living heart.
now you're nothing but a devil,
satanic to my life.
but I will keep running back to you
and your troubled self
and that's the fault in me
that I will never forget.

I swear that I feel,
I swear that I hurt.
I swear that I can feel your blood roll through my heart.
I swear that gruesome thoughts raid my inner most fantasies,
my dark, dark thoughts haunt your fame.
I apologize, sincerely.
I have hurt you one too many times.
I have given you no reason to stay,
and still you run back.
How scary, how vile it is
to see how I've intentionally destroyed us all.
My fault, and no remorse be felt.
The fault in myself is one that can never be forgiven.

I face each day
Like I face my reflection.
Teeth baring and stagnant.

Stale and unamused.

I ask

"What do you have for me today?
What adversity must I face?
Am I to walk a thousand miles?
Or think a thousand thoughts?
Will you be easy on me today?
Please?"

He says

"Don't water the plants.
They want to die.
They don't want to bloom."

Take their lives.
**** them off

I'm talking to myself out loud.
I hear my voice
But I don't hear any words.
I hear the disgruntled mumbles
I'm attempting to speak.

In due time,
things will be fine.
In due time,
You'll make sense of it all.
Where do I start?

I ask

"Do these things matter?
Am I supposed to feel?
Where's my guilt?"

He says

"Don't water the plants.
They want to die.
They don't want to bloom"

That's all I get?

He says

"That's all you'll ever get"

As if he was in my head.
As if he heard my thought.

No matter how much I asked,
That's all I ever got.

The flowers.
They don't want to be alive.
They don't want to bloom.

Did the flowers give up too?
Was it their only choice?
The only one they felt they had?

I ask

No I don't. I ask nothing anymore.

So everyday,
I face my tasks like I face my reflection.

Lifeless and dull.
Withering and disintegrating.
Like the flowers i've neglected.
On purpose.
Because I killed them.
I killed them.

I killed my self.
I killed everything I ever was.

every thing about this world is angry.
the way it progressively
hurts and tears its people
and the way we all take it
get used to it
value this hurt.
or the way we get choked up in love.
and caressed by its sharp-clawed intentions.
when we get excited
really excited.
and no one else is there
cheering us on.
or if they are
they care more about
their own victory.
people impress others
to fit in,
or to try and prove something.
but the only thing they prove
is how much of a ****** person
they have become.
this world is full of it.
anger
hate
vile thoughts
and we're trapped.
there is no way out.
not even death can take us away.
so we stay.
and we deal.
and destruct
because that's what the world wants us to do.

when time summons you
and tells you it is your time
you must go.
reluctantly given no warning
and given no space
reluctantly understanding
thoughts you should never
have to understand.
taking precious and valuable
heart space
and shattered soul
you must go.
listen to time
as it knows best
when our minds fail to cease
our darkened thoughts
and we become violent
listen to time.
listen to its boundaries
and when it tells you to leave.
your heart, nor your head
are substitutions for time.
and if it is not your time
you will know.
forcefully or gently
time will grab you
and remove you from
the place you thought
you should be.
but don't act against it.
you will only come to a place of regret.

The constant feeling of drowning
suffocation.
No regeneration, and no hope.
Waving goodbye to dreams and prospering amenities.
Nothing can hurt you anymore,
you've felt it all before.
Nothing in this ******* world gives you chills
upsets you, or scares you
the way it did the first time
your problems bluntly ripped off your skin,
exposed your skeleton and poisoned
your organs,
exposing the hurt you
expressed in the little journal that fit in your pillowcase.
You no longer have fear that tomorrow you wont wake-
it's become more of a dream than anything.
Wishing that you wake up with your loved one
by your side
but wondering who would care
so much as to comfort you... scarcity?
Addicted to the brain washing pills,
or the hurt one inflicts on you.
You feel good about your poor decisions,
and with no direction, take the path to hell.
but that's normal, that's all you know.
and its not your fault,
though fully aware of your mistakes.
Twisted destinies among the greatest of people,
who knows where we'll end up.

when given chances
we often learn to run
to avoid  casualties
amongst our fears.
we turn and scatter
never forgetting
to erase all trace
of our mistakes
whether they have full impact
or none at all
but one thing
we must never forget
is to live beyond our fears
and move forward
through every wrong turn we take.
we must never falter.
we must never give up
even when it seems impossible not to.

there are a lot of things in life
that I am not familiar with
a lot of people I do not know
and a lot of places ive never seen.
unfortunately ive seen the open road
and the highway to heartbreak.
discussed the fatal dues
and the darkened reality of life.
ive seen the devil himself
telling me to betray
and helping me hurt.
im used to the underground
and the unheard of stories
that ive lived through.
unfamiliarity has made normality a scarcity
but I am no longer scared
of what I don't know.

I know for a fact
that if we aren't in it for the love
we're in it for the lust
and I know that when we're together
we can either be love
or we can define lust.
im in absolute awe
I don't know what to do
when you seem not to care
I need someone with more soul
and more feeling.
you've stripped me of comfort
and made me numb to others.
I have been stuck on your love
and you've stuck in my mind.
2 years later we're inseparable
and I have found no other soul
capable of making mine whole.
so I've found myself stuck here
not knowing what to do
and waiting for you to make up your mind
on whether or not you're done confusing mine
but it's sad i'll still be here
until you know.
because I love you

For as long as I can remember
I've been trapped within a world where my soul does not belong.
I've been seeing black and white amongst sceneries full of color
and I can't stand knowing I am not valuing anything
I am surrounded by.
Messages spit left and right telling me to open my eyes and see the light of day, but I'm not even sure I know what to look for.
And when did it become okay to not value your own life?
When did it become normal to feel like the weight of the world sits on your shoulders and your feet stand concrete in the ground with every inability to make any movement?
If I've ever been given any opportunity to make myself happy, I've lost the ability to stray from the path and experience the things that I once loved.
Now the absence of my healthy state of mind has taught me to be dependent on substances that make each day more and more bearable while I wither away into something I thought I'd want to be.
The days I've spent hoping for a change have made me realize nothing other than the fact that I have no place in this world amongst people who are thriving.
My hands will never be clean but I will still carry this burden and drag it through the hell I call my existence.

Stripped, and barefoot.
Intentional faults.
Intentional hurt.
The things I dream haunt me.
---
You will never prosper
Try to run, but I will see.
The impossible nature
of all the things I long for.
---
Distanced love,
I will wait for nothing.
Irrational thoughts I will never stop.
All the dangerous thoughts I will think.
---
But you will still dance on my skull.
You will still flow through my blood.
You will remind me of possibilities,
the ones I will never see.
You will scare me into my own skin.
You will be the one to burn me.
But you will be the one to care.
---
You will give all I need
you will be my entirety.
And through the drought
you will be my storm.
You will be the one to love me
when it becomes impossible to love myself.

you smile at a blank wall
and write some more meaningless
words on the poem you started last week.
take another sip of your tea
and remind yourself that
not only are you alone
but you are not wanted.
your phone doesn't ring
and your "friends" never speak
but you're used to the scarcity
of attention you receive.
digging yourself a hole
in your heart
because any attention is pushed away
due to "they'll all leave in the end"
becoming a hermit
and finding yourself hiding
behind your journal and pen
because not one person
has paid any mind to you in weeks.
*you're unloved. unwanted. so my dear, stop trying

tapered feelings taught you to be alone
what are you afraid of?
are you sheltered from all the reality of this world?
move closer to me, dear.
are you scared?

this is nothing you would have expected,
never a way to live.
you're living ultimately unprepared
for the destruction the world brings.

the pillow speaks back nothing to your screams.
your window remains open
while the wind drags your blood through the streets.
nothing will save you this time.
isn't that depressing?
you lose yourself in nightmares and tears,
but the nostalgia never leaves your mind.

How bad did he hurt you?
did he crush your withered soul?
was that the last thing you remember?
what memories did he leave you with?
but none of that matters anymore.
that's all over now,
because you're almost dead.
when life became a contradiction to you,
it was no longer who you were,
but what you lived for.
which was not much, love.
so lets not worry.
the end is near.
you've almost defeated the war.

where your heart lies
is a selfish set of gray
and blue thoughts
within a sheltered façade from the outside world
and given none too many windows
of opportunity to prove itself.
what you breathe
is the fire
of a thousand lies
and a million tears from my body.
your meaning
will forever be a sorrowful
reflection of how you wanted to be
and nothing
in its entirety will ever be the same.

Drag your feet against the pavement,
bleed your heels some more
Value the hurt
and that you feel pain.
Retract your strings
and put  boundaries on yourself.
Don't run free
you'll only be caught.
Continue to fill yourself with hope
that the most miserable of things
will fill you with joy.
Try to wrap your heart around a love
that is anything but true.
Open one door
to find a black hole in the other
and step into a dimension of
trust issues, self harm, hate for the world.
Forget all your responsibilities
and drop all respect
to dig a grave for your future.
Position yourself for a smooth road
and crumble when it bumps.
Remember your hard times
and relive all your hell.
And never forget
bring all the hurt to yourself.

Your words
left a temple in my body.
I heard you fence off your mind
and I heard you'll make it out just fine.
~~~
You never did like the cold
so ill hold you closer than ever.
Your words whisper sweetly in the moonlight
and shine come daytime.
~~~
You're reliving sweet heartbreaks
and soaking your heart in the blood stains you made.
But that's okay because you're hands
fit right into mine.
~~~
And when beauty is no longer physical
where will we stand?
Is your love unconditional? Can I speak my mind?
~~~
Ive got a shoebox filled with memories of stained childhood
and ive got your soul on my mind
so baby please don't replace me
with a love unworthy of your life.

for the first night in a while
I have felt an overwhelming sense
something more than a worth
something less than nothing
that makes me feel less than alive
all else has failed
and I've done so much wrong
In such little time
and no faults will be forgotten
so I am done
and I will fail
because of my own mistakes and washes.
I can no longer do what's right
it has become exhausting
for me to prevail
and be who they need me to be
so I give up
and I will fall
even when I am expected to rise

share your love with me
the same way your soul
shines amongst the crowd
and drowns my heart
in the abyss in your eyes.

feed your life to me
with a silver spoon
encrusted with all of the
sweet words that made me
fall in love with you.

trap all of my worries
with your blood stricken hands
that once burned the broken skin
on my body...
the skin that now glows
bright as the smile upon your face.

dream all the future
you'll live to see,
all the wonders and all the love
you will encounter
by the ones who deserve
to hold your heart.

expect all the love
and all the best
given to you.
given to the most beautiful
person to ever walk
on the face of this earth.

drag your words a bit more, darling.
have you come across a higher feeling?
is there anything in this world you fear?
the beginning of destruction
and the need to break
shapes your being
into the weak man you are.
spit some more thoughts.
watch the ratio
between not caring
and realization
evaporate into thin air.
do you think youre inspirational?
give me something more than that.
nothing you say will affect
any persons life.
you will never make an impact
  so don't get ahead of yourself.
reminders that you are inferior
race through your mind.
I know.
pretend you are better
try and prove your worth.
but there is none
because you are yet
another insecure soul
looking for a shoulder to cry on.

knowing that you
are put in a place
and given the world
without doing anything to deserve it
makes you realize
that you are worthless
and completely
and utterly
ignored.
knowing that no one
has given you a chance
to prove yourself
prove your worth.
you can tell
no one cares
no one wants to give you
the time of day
or a second to speak
and you feel
overwhelming regret
swoop above you
and grab you by the shoulders
take you to a place
where you can be happy
and alone.
and although you are alone
you are not
unwanted.

portraits of your blackening soul dance around my mind like daisies whilst your heartbeat seems to disintegrate into nonetheless craters of hatred and disgust. Ashless remains of your once flourished mind rest in my hair as a reminder that you were once whole. as if you are of any worth to the drought that rests inside of me. you still contain all that I once dreamt of. but you will never amount to the expectations I have of the person you should be.

and even when she knew she had nothing
you still shone the brightest light
on all hope for happiness.
she knew she had you
which was the only stable thing in her life
and she took it and ran
because she knew how it would treat her.
forever grateful will she be
knowing you are there
and can nothing stand between
the gratuity and love she will pay to you
for your upmost warmth and loyalty.

infliction-
pain
could I have asked for any different?
your pierced skin and deviled eyes
rippled tears
drag across the blood on your skin
its over.
where are your scars?
you've done too much damage
or so you say-
naïve thoughts
you implanted false lies
floating in mind space.
did you think of how you would die?
your purpose
and your prose
what has it all come down to?
give me more than a reason
to spare your shriveled self
prove your worth.
but there is nothing.