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Sep 2021 · 162
The Ship and the Waves
andTilly Sep 2021
My ship has sailed, but has it really?
There’s too much, too many of uncertain feelings
And the storm in the robes of a lamb

What is missed, does wet mean pleased?
Four-leaved clover, it’s over

My ship has sailed, I’m lost at sea
Or am I the sea, too large to see me..?

I wanted to care but I cared way too much
The way to nowhere, the rays you can touch
Burning bright, burning, burned over with grace

Bear with me, I’ll carry thee

You’ll be the ship
And I’ll be the waves
The waves, the waves

The protector of the commotion
Humor me, human slow as the wide oceans
Blue in the face that never gets too green
Inhuman remains hidden behind screens

Protective smoke and the mirrors
Mirrored to never get clearer

I wanted to be there, I was way too much
Getting there, got nowhere, the whole world to watch
The bright star to follow to forget starts

But bear with me, I’ll carry thee

You’ll be the ship
And I’ll be the waves
The waves, the waves

The ship, the waves, the golden shore views
The ship, the waves, the forever cruise

I wanted to care but I cared way too much
The way to nowhere, the rays you can touch
Burning bright, burning, burned over with grace

Bear with me, I’ll carry thee

You’ll be the ship
And I’ll be the waves
The waves, the waves

Bear with me, I’ll carry thee

Until you’ll be the ship
Until I’ll be the waves
Carry me always
Lately, most of my poems turn to songs, songs to pictures, and pictures to dust :)
Apr 2021 · 165
a purgatory memory
andTilly Apr 2021
this is a memory
I will never have
the memorable story
happening to someone where
the memory of glories
one would truly miss if their
existence, not amiss, were
to be and were all there

this is a memory
of sorts, not meant to last
the cornerstone theory
theoretically almost passed
I'd treasure such a moment
if the treasure could be found
instead, I'll bow deep down
in purgatory, safe and sound
Feb 2021 · 73
andTilly Feb 2021
feel the bitter
it’s all I have to offer
all I’ve left at home

rainbows taste like copper
and raindrops much like chrome
andTilly Jan 2021
I know as much of nothing as you do.
does that make a failure of you?
and one of me...
who is the winner among the losers?
the losing to be
when all it is is to be found lost?
the host
drained, ****** in all the rumours,
feeding the know-it-all ghosts
sitting on the shoulders.
nothings weighing more than largest boulders
in four arms, mess,
two infinities of nothingness
got married.
Jan 2021 · 229
andTilly Jan 2021
nettle once brittle
kneels on burning snow
dandelion grove
breathing ashes bitter

an elephant-like hole in the ground
don’t look in on the strangers
eyes wide from the danger
disappeared with all the sound

a doll holding a hand
hands sleeping in, tight
in their hold, no fight
just dance with the twirling sand

nettle once brittle
kneels on empty plane
once nest’s now a grave
full of ashes bitter
This poem got to be a song in the end. Describing a post-war ambience, it is influenced by Middle Ages, LOTR & similar movies, Fallout game series... not to forget this almost after-war-ish covid situation, deaths & lockdowns... Its feeling also corresponds to the moment, when Disney's Mulan enters a burned-out village.

You can listen to it on

Jan 2021 · 104
andTilly Jan 2021
I woke up repeatedly
and twice
I was dead

so how are these being written
if the life conditions
have not been met?

can the Death be sleeping
lively dreaming
can Life be dead?

dreaming of life
living the death
I woke up repeatedly, yet...
Jan 2021 · 190
andTilly Jan 2021
the happiest step into your New Year
and each and every fear that feels near
let it just step into the light and disappear

happy New Year’s
Dec 2020 · 227
and... wet wipes rules
andTilly Dec 2020
the thing you learn, when a child enters your world
is pain, and suffering out of your control
also, laugh and smile for things bigger than yourself
and how you missed, needed that one thing, friend -
wet wipes…

mostly, one of the thousand uncontrollable misfortunes’ birth
the moment when the first spoon of avocado needed to end up on your shirt
Dec 2020 · 352
merry & bright
andTilly Dec 2020
merry christmas to you all
be merry
think bright
try not to fall
merry christmas & all
that’s right
Dec 2020 · 173
andTilly Dec 2020
every yesterday
was a tomorrow
and so we move
from any sorrow
and so we smile
give, and borrow
every yesterday
was a tomorrow
Dec 2020 · 48
tones and you
andTilly Dec 2020
cleverly unsure, slowly through it
giving me a few low-ish tones
if not too much thinking how to to do it
I find myself floating through those moans

provide more of those little gems
stopping the thinking and starting the deed
if you don’t know it, there’s a chance
that in-toning is an optional need

hum and breathe
with the shy sound of strings
groan and sheath
the strong blading of the wind
loving it all
makes you big in that small
Dec 2020 · 133
le soleil couchant
andTilly Dec 2020
au revoir, les prés, les petits morceaux de vert
pourquoi, pourquoi je me fais chier
quand je ne touche jamais ce clé?
au revoir, le souffle de l’air jamais pesé
pourquoi je fais de la peine, peiné
en brûlant le vent par les deux bouts de blé?

adieu, l’embrasse de la mer légèrement dorée
où de la tête je ne pouvais pas donner
c’est pourquoi c’est quand même pire
un peu d’amertume dans chacun de sourires
combien de temps je vais mourir
se réveillant, on ne peut pas dire…
the setting sun

goodbye, meadows, the little green shards
why do I bother, why
when I’ll never touch this key?
goodbye, the air’s breath never weighed
why do I hurt, pained
burning the wind on both ends of wheat?

farewell, embrace of the softly golden sea
where I cannot ever fold my head in need
that is why it’s even worse
the slight bitterness in each of my smiles
I can’t even say how many more times
I’ll die in the awakening curse

Dec 2020 · 88
the far-away star
andTilly Dec 2020
you’re a star
a far-away star I see at night
I remember through my days
I needed a guiding light
still, even if I walk by myself
with or without pace
even if I found some help
you’re the star, my grace
watching over from that far
the far-away star I pray
will never fade away
Dec 2020 · 213
make me a berry
andTilly Dec 2020
make me a berry
I’ll fill you
make you very
Dec 2020 · 55
that is
andTilly Dec 2020
and that is how I found
my finding out is missing
I am only searching
without having found

and that is how I came
to coming out with ease, too
from the start I came true
with my coming being wane

and that is how I lost
all that’s not worth losing
lost in thought I’m choosing
to lose all that counts and costs

and that is where I am
being all I ever was
nothing I am, to be cross
with everyting I never tend to be
Dec 2020 · 55
andTilly Dec 2020
I’ll shoot you
with a glue gun
the velcroed soul to die cast me
I’ll shoot you
to make you one
half-person with half monster to be fine

a monsoon, dewdrops, washed over a lightning bug
fires fly over
the sour plums with icrecreamfries and smokedcheeserice
I’ll eat you, brother, to hold you in my ice
melt me with your hug

redeem the will
to be and still
to love and ill
squeezed in the undersized
and lost in the odd squares of skin
grinding, grinding the holy bill
before grinded by God’s mill

shame to go and not alone
shame to stay and be alone
so go and stay and be and not
shame alone, shame alone
a poem of two souls, two hearts talking about secret memories

Dec 2020 · 80
forgive me
andTilly Dec 2020
please, forgive me
for what I did
for what I'll do
for what I'm doing to you
Dec 2020 · 51
andTilly Dec 2020
unimportant to make somebody feel bad
unimportant to even feel that sad
I am, I’ll be, I always was,
I just didn't realize that I’m so close

un-importing the way to live
thinking of better ways to give
I wanted, and I always tried
with those wings too small to fly

so important to realize my own
unimportance of finding one’s own home
un-import all of my basic needs
to see the bigger picture, plant the seeds

import the unimportant in my soul
make me remember to forget all life’s goals
life’s hard and complicated, no?
things worth something tend to be so
Nov 2020 · 356
Lola [haiku]
andTilly Nov 2020
my name was Lola
as LOve, as my-self LOathing
I’ve always worn pink
andTilly Nov 2020
well done
very rare
Nov 2020 · 197
the me in red
andTilly Nov 2020
the me in red
misses those cheeks
the breaths too deep
and the sweat

the me in red
shivers in need
shaking, can’t breathe
needing to forget

the me in red
the me of all trades
that me’s smiling face
is that me dead?
Nov 2020 · 158
andTilly Nov 2020
what a strange, wrinkly space
full of wet memories
it may sound strange, this
but - what a nice home armpits make

I’ll curl in, take
me or leave me, please
Nov 2020 · 83
could we be friends?
andTilly Nov 2020
I know I was further
but could we be just friends?
I don’t seem to be able to ******
all our wells and ends
Nov 2020 · 236
Kelsey O’nara
andTilly Nov 2020
Kelsey O’nara
a girl with eyes so green
you find yourself lost in that what could seem
like the green pastures of forever to hold

just say, say her name to call her again
say, say: O’nara, my dearest friend

Kelsey O’nara
a girl of thousand faces
you need to caress her to know how the changes
go through to get, get you through

just say, say her name to learn a few new ways
say, say: O’nara, I loved and I’ll love those days

Kelsey O’nara
a girl of the purest smiles
you’ll want to smile back for her to know that you tried
finding yourself grown over by a warm hug

just say, say her name to feel the calm, calm happy
say, say: O’nara, yourself I just might need

Kelsey O’nara
a girl of the last goodbyes
you don’t know how to say or how to make last
you try anyway since the future is to pass

so say, say her name with a one last bow
say, say: O’nara, take my hand, and let’s go

take my hand, and let’s go
Kelsey O'nara is about many things, but first and foremost about embracing death (death doesn't mean a bad thing to be scraed of, you know) - represented by the beautiful girl Kelsey. This song started out as a poem, and was "songified" later on:

Say: O'nara, sayōnara.

Nov 2020 · 293
we don’t
andTilly Nov 2020
it’s waiting
just like us
waiting to be saved
from the world’s lust

and we did
all those joys
remember the deed
each of all our toys

the souvenirs
we carry
waking our dreams
slumbers deeply buried

on the way
we could’ve
forgotten the lists
forgotten we should’ve

now we don’t
we did but
we don’t
written plunged in sadness and red wine

Nov 2020 · 158
a vow
andTilly Nov 2020
making a vow
not to vow
wishing to live in nows
and wow
strings-detaching claws

upping my game
losing a name
to find a bunch of elses
in vain
naming the rain, wane sense

vowing my name away
not needing bays
boys don’t cry, lay
new ways
of lays, neighing

vowing to never vow
wowed I wish to bind
myself to you in
now to ever,
love, I vow, never-

don’t let go, kind
thought from my mind
nevermind my kind
I swear, love
not to swear you off
Nov 2020 · 105
andTilly Nov 2020
I silenced myself
myself and others
lovers to brothers
I made them deaf

I silenced my voice
and voices of mothers
my sisters’ covens and covers
of the never ending choice

I stepped in silence
to not have to answer
what and why and why her
and what happened to my lens

Silence for my eyes
that need not to see it all
silence to my ears dull
and my mouth full of honest lies

I want and will be silent
to those who do not wait
to those who wait I may
whisper part-truths of repent

Where’s the reason for my silent
(do not) ask, I do not know
under pressure, I bend and bow
guilt of hope lost makes me violent

Wounds I don’t see, silent there
I wish to draw, thousand lines
smelling iron, liquor and pines
caring enough not to care

Silence, voices, winds and hums
so loud that I cannot breathe
deafening so that I flee
feeling my fleet running past

A last drumroll, silence dear
to be honored, to get big
I’ll switch gears, clothes, wear a wig
tongue on the floor, silent fear

Silently dripping, drooling red
silence clicking, rhythm lost
for the silence, hidden costs
here I’ll sit down, sound is dead
Nov 2020 · 60
la fête dans ma tête
andTilly Nov 2020
j’ai fait une fête
sautant comme un lapin,
perdant ma tête
- on la perd le matin

abîmé, j’ai fêté
un couloir de losanges
et ce qu’on ne m’a pas embêté
en réparant des dommages

j’ai vieilli, la veille
fêtant une abeille
prenant mon sommeil
tout ça à peu près pareil

j’ai fait une fête
je l’ai faite dans ma tête
Nov 2020 · 193
to all mine
andTilly Nov 2020
dearest son
did you know
I come undone
your small hand
closed in mine
forever and

and I’ll
always love you
and always pray
for your health
I’m sure
I’ll always love you
and forever stay
in your chest

daughter missed
did you know
I never did
forget your
sweet sweet smile
that never came
to be mine

and I’ll
always love you
and always pray
for your soul
I’m sure
I’ll always love you
and forever think
of something more

and I’ll
always love you
and part of me
‘ll be always with
I know
I’ll always love you
and sorry for my
missing it

all of mine
I’ll always love you
always love you
this poem made it to a tranquil song:

Nov 2020 · 49
I wanted to be me
andTilly Nov 2020
so glad to have found
you, the other me
so wrong to hide true
truths that never came to be

until next time, or anytime at all
I’ll look around in need
until next round (or not)
I’ll run around, too free

I wanted to be me
I wanted to go out
I got lost

I wanted to be me
though, I never found out
who that was
Nov 2020 · 168
bathed in blood
andTilly Nov 2020
they died
or they helped the dying
become a puzzle, to not merge
they cried
and run to protect
their own life on the thinnest verge
then hid
up there, the wooden cabin
over the trees, schoolhouse of rust
of scary, of their own hands
bathed in blood and strange lust
a deep fall
a Noah wronging no arc
and love that ends up in the dust
I’m lost
in so much red and darkness
kneeling with them, kneading past
at five
I’m leaving, it was hard
how to clean up a soul in mud?
Oct 2020 · 391
a hand holding a foot
andTilly Oct 2020
curved, curvy in the pose
foot risen
bent in them bones
wet in layers
wet in sweat
making the small world
bigger than bed

sitting, sleeping in the chair
a sleepy day
closing like eyelids
creating ripples
making waves
a fiddle
making the small world
little less brittle

close, closer than breath
nothing to see
breathing in dreams
heavy as the planet
to see the small world
getting tired

silent, silence pouring over
glueing ears shut
swimming in sea
of four-leafed clovers
four lean mes
to see the small world
from inside out
Oct 2020 · 87
a new today
andTilly Oct 2020
today I opened my eyes
and fell into the skies
as the sky, so bright
skid into my mind
falling into pieces to be found

today I poured out a well
and realized I fell
saw myself down below
knowing there’s only one road
up and up we go

today I was gifted
a small jewel lifted
up out of the ground
not knowing what I found
I gave it back, making earth more round

today I truly know
how low is too low
how high the height gets
how much it costs to make a mess
and where it all went left

right in being left
Oct 2020 · 234
daily love
andTilly Oct 2020
my love, daily,
my daily bread,
falls on my
down daily

my love, daily
my daily dish,
pour over my
flimsy flats
for that I wish, daily

my love, daily,
my daily dial,
pick me mine
pricked up ears
the line is deaf, daily
Oct 2020 · 97
andTilly Oct 2020
the feeling when one knows-
is certain, and even though
he asks for a treat, a service, a thought
it never will come the way he hopes

the moment when one says please
even when knowing there is nothing
for him, nothing that could be coming
and he’ll never become a part of these

virtual things or others’ plight
without a way to get to meet
other than other’s giving need
but no real right to feel their might

cannaloo, I say goodbye to you
while saying hello, please come back
while falsely hoping for someone’s track
of music I just cannot hear, cannaloo


if I can do more cannaloo,
I'll just ask you
not to lie-
for your unknowing, well-meant lies
make me birth more self-lies
and those I hate
no lying, mate
the word 'cannaloo is a product of my mind. it means to wish for something knowing you won't get it/or you won't get it the way you need it to be

Oct 2020 · 2.1k
andTilly Oct 2020
the flowers growing on your lips
make it hard to remember
is this a part of me or a pretender?
do I fight this or do I surrender?
I’ll see, with a kiss
from there I’ll go
ohayō, lips
Oct 2020 · 277
it just is II.
andTilly Oct 2020
it’s just this
it just is
Oct 2020 · 53
it just is
andTilly Oct 2020
no wonder there’s no wonders
the dirt that somehow shines
wandering in every other corner
the green gleaming on thorny cactus’ sides

it isn’t bad, why search for a cause to frown on
it happens just as any good thing does
who else to blame for the war if not the cannon
how else to cope - with loudness and bold cries

the wrong that isn’t negative
the thought that did not ****
the cheater righteous, ready to leave
the sickness calling for a bitter pill
it positively
Oct 2020 · 55
glass castles
andTilly Oct 2020
to tell a hope aloud
a truth we’d love to be
but isn’t
is bringing other needs
needs not nurtured,
needs all drizzled
to get warm
and bite and warn
of others waking up
and making up
a cloudy castle
that sweetly chimes and hustles,
come to life
a life so fragile, so unsure
that realizing it’s not true
breaks it into millions of pieces
of glass
that, I wish, would cut my throat
or at least my tongue out

ever slept on broken bottles?
Oct 2020 · 58
strangers’ tree
andTilly Oct 2020
in me, in you, in all of them
the people we know and never can

get in
wrap our head around
cause in truth we’re all alone and mad

that we feel so dearly about
that we give ourselves a right to pout

to, chat
step in their life’s wisdom’s walk
even if it’s an empty, irrelevant talk

to you, to me, all of us, strange
unknown in the light of today’s change

so, although
you cannot see
my complex lil’ tree
isn’t so strong
how can we make the other
feel the me
this poem is also a tree in the visual form
Oct 2020 · 64
to honor an honor
andTilly Oct 2020
my little two sided sword
not anymore sharp enough to slay
don’t be afraid of the horde
that fear is melting away

my dearest broken down shield
don’t take that role much too far
in the end I’ll want to yield
put you face down on the ground

my old, gold armor of rust
protect me just those few steps
fall down with one final blast
the last thing to do is to rest
Oct 2020 · 96
andTilly Oct 2020
Killian, bells in need
chime like the music box
singing in mist, the fox
makes a good dancing lead

Killian, love’s a deed
just like your helping is
however small in this
stories are made to read

Killian’s precious hands
hugging so slow, so hard
hug more, boy, without that
I might be losing pants

Killian, salutes three
for my three treasures lost
on such note, lovely host
****-me-and make me free
Oct 2020 · 138
dandelion life
andTilly Oct 2020
a dandelion stands proud
in the sun, whilst at night not out

a dandelion gets dry and old
to make new, to be more

how to live a dandelion life?
how to be a dandelion wife?
Oct 2020 · 416
andTilly Oct 2020
I win every day
when in that to-day
I don’t lose my ‘to-dos’ and my way

...and the victor is...
Oct 2020 · 746
awesome people
andTilly Oct 2020
awesome people are usually the broken ones
is the broken the most colorful glass?
awesome people get in the way
annoying as hell but making others say

new, strange, unexpected things
making them blushed, tingling in their cheeks
or simply inspire to do life differently
comfortable changes to curious inherently

change me by making me want to change,
awesome people, why do you live so out of range
I am closer to you than you think, however
awesomeness can be found anywhere, together

'awesome', just an awesome way to say
‘I admire you in a very special way’
‘wherever you are, a me is in there too’
‘I LOVE YOU, brave little soul - I am you’
Oct 2020 · 316
andTilly Oct 2020
virtually everything
virtual spacing out
black light
rainbows in reality

hurting yourself hurting others
doing the opposite of what we know that bothers
the fathers
of our want
just don’t

virtually everyone
literal meaning
of might
black skies
rain drops off our pity

virtues making so much sense
vinted features made variously fenced
in a sense
of our need
we bleed

rainbow reality
a black cell
rain blows virtuality

maybe this world is another planet’s hell
this started as a poem and ended up a haunting song:
Oct 2020 · 149
I cannot rain.
andTilly Oct 2020
the non-people are never sure.
they endure
in silence, or more loud
the staccato of the empty sound.
then they get full of dust,
and see
the dust dusting their ***** non-needs.
smiles and lists
getting guilty, one flees.

the non-people are never brave.
they cave
in every moment of doubt
because doubting is an activity close to the ground.
their lips would get stung
by the ants and bees and wasps;
flowery fields,
lavenders smelling so strong it’d hurt.
missing grasps
of truths so crude.

the non-people are not, no more.
they never were
just forgot to be there, where
others are humming like drops of rain.
stormy sides
but main
would be that what isn’t.
forgotten bars of an empty prison.
hum and groan
for any life is just a loan.
Oct 2020 · 244
the cheapest doll there was
andTilly Oct 2020
she was and she wasn’t
is she déjà vue?
the doll that wished to happen
so she wished
to do

she was doing, done
all that was long due
the doll that asked for owning
paid all that
she knew

she did all she longed for
empty, seeming full
the doll that lived, all smiling
to be missing

twinkling in the sunlight
a piece in pieces, paced
the cheapest doll there was
cups all over
Oct 2020 · 190
andTilly Oct 2020
one word, a clutch
to hope, to wish, to tell
to not worry too
everything’s gonna be good
everything’s gonna end well
Nankurunaisa, an ancient Japanese (Okinawan) saying. The original meaning was: "Never forget where you are and live for today and for tomorrow; never forget to smile and, however bad your day has been, remember that the next day the sun will receive you with a big smile, so do the same yourself".

Oct 2020 · 142
andTilly Oct 2020
the beautiful
in the broken

the beautiful
is broken



the speckles of light
there in the shards
the smartest, most colorful, most interesting people are usually not ok, did you notice? ...and a rainbow needs rain to be
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