Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
chris Jul 31
Recently, I haven’t been feeling myself.
I feel like I’ve lost myself over the years.  

There are more times of me feeling hollow, empty than of me being happy.  I don’t know how to explain it.  Nor do I even know how to fill that hole.  

People say that it’ll get better.  
                            What will? When? Why did it happen?

People say that things will change.
                            For better?  No. You don’t know that.

Often, I look out the window and imagine an alternate world.  Some place where I would be smarter.  Prettier.  Liked more.  Better.  

That wish might overlap with some people.

Being a Marvel fan, I always wanted to have Spider-Man powers.  And maybe a piece or fragment of Tony Stark’s intelligence and creativity.  

Creativity that I had lost over the years.  Intelligence that I never had to begin with.  Powers or abilities to make me proud of who I am.  Now I have none of those and the only thing that is left of me is the empty shell and the mask that I wear to hide.. me.

-

I’m not proud of myself.  Nor are my parents.  Not even my friends.  If they were to know who I was.  I hide behind smiles and jokes.  I use your humor as a way of keeping people at a distance.  

No, my parents aren’t divorced.  No, I’m not disabled.  
Yes, I attend a fairly good school.  Yes, I have good people around me.  

Despite all the good things I have, I can’t stop feeling. Useless. Worthless. Not enough.  I don’t feel motivated to do anything.  I feel like the part of me that wants everything to end is taking over me day by day.  I sometimes want to jump out of the window but I fear pain.  I’m weak.  I want to buy pills and swallow the whole bottle but I don’t know what pills to buy.  It’s hard to get ahold on them here in Japan.  Should I burn everything I own before I die?  Or disappear after selling everything?  

I feel the need to do so so that my parents don’t have anything to look back on.  So they wouldn’t have to feel so ashamed about having me as a daughter.  I cry often now.  My father tells me that I did this to myself.  Bad grades.  Bad friendships.  No motivation.  I’ve disappointed many people in my life.  I cry feeling sorry for myself even though I have dug my own grave.  

I somehow never seem to learn.  I think there’s something wrong with me.  I’ve been telling my parents there’s something wrong with me but they just tell me I’m making up things.  Excusing myself from the reality that I am a disappointment.  That I messed up.  That I am dumb.  Useless.  I will never amount to anything.  I am hollow.  I am but a shadow of everyone else that used to be friends with me.  

I am not writing this for hope that I will change.  I just feel the need to put this out there.  Not for help.  I don’t seek help anymore.  Nothing will ever change.  

Some say, “Not with that attitude” but I’m tired of hearing those words.  I’ve already made and broken so many promises that I am not worthy of change.  Or a miracle.  I sometimes wish that whenever I go out to buy groceries, a car or truck will hit me.  I wish for an accident to happen so that I will die.  Or that something drastic would happen to me so that I will be away from everything.  Possibly in a hospital bed.  Possibly dying on the side of the road.  Possibly giving me a disability so that I could finally have an excuse of being who I am.  

I’ve imagined people at my funeral.  Not many will be there.  And even those who attend, will have never known the real me.  My true feelings.  About my friends, parents, education—everything and anything.  

I am writing this because I can’t tell anyone about this.  I understand that it doesn’t make sense.  Don’t worry about posting comments on this.  I will be glad that it has been read.  Although it was long.  I don’t know who you are or what you have been through.  I apologize for taking up your time.  

I don’t know what I am.  Who I am.  What I will be in the future.  I know nothing.
I don’t know who I am.  I wish someone would just take over me.  Maybe change things for the better.  Or maybe I have to end me for someone to live better.  I know nothing
Zack Ripley Mar 7
The wind howls louder
than a wolf to the moon.
But don't worry.
Spring is coming soon
and will stay until June.
Zack Ripley Mar 22
For the first time,
I'm not sure what to say.
I can't tell you it will be okay
Because I don't fully believe it myself yet.
I can't tell you not to worry
Because we come from different worlds.
But they say it's times like these
You find out who your friends are.
So let me be clear.
For what it's worth,
You've got a friend in me.
Zack Ripley Sep 2019
You can't see the light because you are the light. So don't worry about your scars.
They'll heal as you fly across the sky like a shooting star.
Don't forget the night doesn't last forever even in the land of the midnight sun. As long as you show up half the battle has been won
Mel Mar 17
Moon of Venus
Moon of Osiris
I’ve been thinking
Of Corona Virus

Get Some
Chocolate
Get Some
Coca cola

Play some
My Sharona
It may be
Over Soon
And You Know
I love you
To the moon and back.
Thorns Mar 2019
Some days it's just like AAAAAHHH!!!

"But don't worry because life goes on..."
Panic! At the Disco 2005
Timber Dec 2018
Revenge is a absolute *****.
You were poison to my life,
an absolute glitch;
but i love you.

I'm so sorry for everything,
please forgive me,
everything will be okay in the end
i know.
i know i'm sorry okay….
i know.

Stay out of my life.
You ate my mac and cheese.
A small work for my Honars American Comp. and Lit Class.
Amy Duckworth Apr 2018
It may hurt you
But it helps more in the long run
Even if it hurts you its the truth you can't change it try to accept it the best you can
Its ok if you can't
It was hard for me too
Dont worry
Theholycrow Mar 2017
And if I make it til tomorrow, I'll let you knock me down to size. I'll stop this ugly petty show. I won't ask you to empathize.

And if tomorrow comes for me, I won't be so self absorbed, I'll do more for you and them, I won't leave you so ignored.

And if I make it til tomorrow, I'll tell my Dad it's not his fault. I'll take the blame for my side of things, I'll be more grateful for what he brought.

And if tomorrow comes for me, I'll fight the urge to rediscover what that needle's all about, I'll leave that up to another.

(and I won't have to write that note apologizing to my mother.)

And if I make it til tomorrow, I'll take the time to treat you right. I'll back off when you are tired, I'll back you up in the fight.

But today is no good, there's nothing left, I'm all alone. I burned each bridge back to life, I've blocked the route to hope and love. So, so long, goodbye tomorrow, I wont be there if you come. Tonight, I'm here, freeing you, as I become a setting sun. Just like that stupid song that was sang by Neil Young.
m i a Aug 2016
i know you may feel a little blue sometimes,
but just remember that the sun will rise and so will you.
things are going to get better. you're going to get better. eventually. <3
Next page