I think I'm starting to wake up now--
the nightmares have finally stopped
and memories of before
come flooding in--
I used to have a good life
(way back when)
before the monster came
and stole me away
from the one who loved me true
I didn't realize then
what all leaving would put us through--
I let lies and deceit
take the place of my love for you
and found out too late that I was being used
to fill his needs to spew out his hate
to be someone that he lived to abuse--
he had such charm in the beginning
making me feel like a queen, a divine love
but then when the slightest thing went wrong
he would hit, push and shove
and tear into me like an animal after his prey
and if I dared to leave afterwards
he'd always find a way
to lure me back in and beguile me again
til finally one day, beaten and bruised
I knew I couldn't let him win--
I ran far far away and started life anew
and I wanted so much to find you again
and beg forgiveness from you--
but when finally I did make that call
to let you know I was now free
you told me that it was too late--
you no longer want me.
So, I sit here now knowing above all
that this life lesson I've learned
is like the world's worst wake up call...

There is something magical
yet frightening
about awakening
to a new day--
on the one hand
I'm alive
and ready to
go in search of a way
to make it through
to live
to survive
until tomorrow
finally comes
but on the other hand
I ache at times
to just hear
the beating, the rhythm
of the death toll drums--

why am I here?
keeps droning on and on
through my soul
and everywhere I look
I search others' eyes
hoping that if they know
they will fill me in,
give me a clue
so that perhaps one day
something will come through
instead of dread and fear
whenever I look off in the distance
or even gaze at what's near--
perhaps today life will give to me
a brand new way
to open my eyes and really see?
by Ami Shae

So painfully aware of being apart
from that which gives me my breath
helps to maintain the rhythmic beating
of my swollen heart--

So horribly bereft at having said goodbye
to one who has always kept me here
who has cradled me, held me tight
through every moment of my every sigh--

So hauntingly sure I will not survive
that life will have no meaning
with you not here to hold, to guard,
to keep me alive--

And so forlornly looking as you saunter away
your laugh, your jokes, your smiles and gentle heart
all that gave me reason to wake up
and live another god-forsaken day--

But so determined this time to carry on
to make it through without you here
to somehow hold myself together without you
and to just make it until the break of dawn...
©Amy Shae 2015

spent and worn and
tattered and torn
is what i feel
this particular day.
i hope and wish
and mourn
that my muse
has temporarily
gone away...
wondering when
if ever (I hope)
i will feel like
writing it all out
once again
hoping soon
my words will come back
and that the silence
and darkness
will not win.

Seems every time I come here I see
another change to my beloved HP--
oh well, I guess I'll try to stick around
and hope my writes don't sink or drown
in this abyss of the unknown --
(which seems to be the here and now) --
I hope all my peeps are still here somehow
and hope too that everyone knows I still care
it's just so disconcerting to come here and stare
and wonder what the heck is going on here
Perhaps in time it will all become clear?# Ami