i haven't been able to say it
but,
i hate the way you made me feel
the way you made me feel unconfident
the way you made me feel numb
and
the way you made me feel hatred,
against myself

i really
really
hate
the way you made me
lost myself.

the grey sky snapped the most beautiful lights yet terrible sounds that my soul has ever experienced. and I’ve never loved lightning as much as I did on that afternoon.

I get attracted easily by simple beautiful things in this beautiful universe. but the lightning, oh, yes the lightning has taught me that loving something means accepting it all. I love its beautiful flash but I also have to love its awful rhythm.

I love your cheesy laugh but I also have to love your anger. I love your maturity but I also have to love your ego. and oh, I love your beautiful soul but I also have to love your flaws.


— mi amor,
everything everything everything.

the sweet breath of the north wind
the frosty air on my skin
the sunshine is hiding
the bird isn't there to sing
the leaves are wet
the raindrops are falling through these grey clouds


— today's weather isn't friendly,
but your smile warms me up.

forgive me, when I make my own chaos. forgive me when I'm thinking of some things that I shouldn't think about at all. forgive me when I overthink over a little stupid thing. forgive me when my anxiety attacks. I need you to wrap your arms around my exhausted soul.

forgive me, when I'm being stubborn. forgive me when I don't want to go to sleep early because I do miss you. forgive me when I don't listen to you to stop eating ice cream. I need you to wipe those ice cream around my lips because you know I can't eat them properly.

forgive me, when I'm being annoying. forgive me when I'm staring at your brown eyes but get mad a few seconds later because you stare back at mine. forgive me when I can't stop pinching your cheeks until my fingers paint red on them. I need you to kiss my forehead and I'll be quiet for a little while.

forgive me, when my worries get a little too much. forgive me when I double text you because you take a few minutes longer to get home more than usual. forgive me when I'm asking about how your day was. I need your smile and laugh to share warmth on a cold night.

— forgive me,
when I can't give you the world,
because you are my world.

i'm sorry
i'm so sorry that
i haven't love you enough
i've been forcing you too hard

i'm sorry
i've been mean to you
i haven't been making you as a priority

i'm sorry
i should've recognize your worth
i shouldn't have taken you for granted

i'm sorry,
dear myself.

I go out every night hoping the moonlight guide me to you
but it’s too dark outside
for a dark soul
whose light was stolen

I tried to walk alone
but it’s too heavy
for an empty soul
whose blood was rinsed

no darling
you didn’t break me
you ****** the oxygen out of me
until like I didn’t even exist

it was hard for me
to love a reflection in the mirror
to embrace myself in the light

it was easier for me
to stop looking in the mirror
to keep the light off

but i don't understand
how could you be more confident
with my self,
with my body
more than i do?

baby, how deep is your love?
how much do you love me?

is it deep enough to drown me in tears?

is it deep enough for us to swim out of joy?

are you worth the pain?

I never knew
that the sound of those raindrops
on my window
the scent of wet soil
after rain
the melodies of these songs
on my spotify playlist
could remind me of you

remind me of the sound of
your lovely laughter
remind me of the scent of
your sweet perfume
remind me of the sound of
your sleepy voice

— I never knew
that missing you
could be this tough.

our relationship is like
you force the sun to stay on such a gloomy, rainy day
because you need her to warm your soul up
no, she couldn't shine as bright as usual

but you asked the sun to leave at night
because there is a moon
there is a constellation of stars
there are citylights
they brighten up your dark soul

and suddenly you like cold weather

and suddenly you miss a warm morning

and suddenly you don't wanna be interupted by her light

and suddenly you miss her flame


— and

all
of
the
sudden
become
a
bad
habit

I was laying on my bed
          staring at blanks
and I just realized one thing

Nothing is eternal. I wouldn’t be able to turn back time even if I really want to. Mistakes are mistakes. Blessings are blessings. At the moment.

I have to cherish moments. There’s no forever. Nothing is gonna lasts forever. I have to appreciate moments. I wouldn’t be able to stop time. But whenever we’re together, it feels like the world is ours. It feels like the time has stopped. But it’s not.

Time is spinning. I can’t stop it. and I can’t turn it back.

you are changing
i am changing
we are changing
and it's none of our fault,
is it?

we could've just run away
but both of us don’t
want to give up

both of us
still hold on
to something
i could never
understand

you made words and phrases
arrange themselves fluently into
a constellation of words

but it scares me, really
it scares me because
that means
you also have the energy
to describe myself
with
my
own
poems

do I love you or do I love the other version of you that I built on my delusion?

the appearance of yourself that I make up in bed before I go to sleep. who always does silly things just to see me laughing whatever mood I'm in.

the appearance of yourself that complete my boyfriend material expectations. well, maybe that's the reason why I don't enjoy watching romance movies. not just because the way they always talk about happily ever after that bores me, but also because those movies established my expectation on you become higher and higher.

so I treat you as well as I could because the other version of you treats me as if I'm the luckiest ******* the planet. but I still love you the same, tho.


— so darling,
I guess I'm in love with a fantasy.

“babe you’re so fragile”

I know am

sharp edges
and pointed parts
might shatter me

and I’ll still crash myself more
to avoid me from dragging you too

but you’ll have me
wrapped around your warm arms
whispering me that
“everything’s gonna be alright”


— time can’t heal,
your existence recovers.

there's still a grey line
between we lost us
and we found ourself

despite all the pain,
heartbreaks,
and mental traumas..

there was also butterflies,
beautiful things,
and fluttery feelings.

I have never loved my flaws
                  my tiger stripes
                  my large forehead
                  my imperfect skin
                  my unsymmetrical bones

But he loves them
       he admires them

He told me that I don’t have to be perfect
                     I don’t have to be insecure

He makes me feel the beauty of loving and be loved
He makes me admire myself.

as much as you give
to other people
still
it won't be enough

you're not here
to please them

you're here
to please yourself

they don't own you
you own yourself

put faith in yourself

it might took me a little while
to realize
my self worth
my self value
and how you took me for granted.

there is
no escape
and
what we had
wasn't real,
was it?

I remember you asked me a hard question.

No it wasn’t about algorithms, it wasn’t about physical chemistry, it was about..

“Why do you love me?”

Ah, how can I answer this?

Maybe it was because of your goofy smile at the hall
Maybe it was because of the way your gaze always remain soft everytime you stare at me
Maybe it was because the way you sweep your sweat in the middle of the day
Maybe it was because how your ears got red when you’re happy.

But, no. Not at all. You were just being you.

“It’s because of who you are when you’re with me.”

when you choose to fall in love,
make sure you know that there will be
heartache
tears
argue
drama.

when you choose to have string attached,
make sure that your wasted time
will be precious.

when you choose someone to fall for,
make sure that person is
worth
the
pain.

you asked me to follow you

it's a tough road,
but we will get through this together,
you said.

i walk
i run

but baby,
running after you is like chasing the clouds.

Matahari bersembunyi dibalik langit kelabu dan tergantikan oleh awan mendung. Angin berhembus horizontal, mencium kulitku, dan meninggalkannya gemetar. Atmosfir yang hangat dan dekorasi cakrawala biru seketika berubah menjadi udara dingin yang mencekam. Melodi rintik air hujan dan kilatan petir mengambil alih langit kelabu kala itu.

Aroma tanah yang terhantam rintik air hujan sedaritadi terus mengingatkanku terhadap apa yang telah aku lalui bersama hujan. Terdapat lagu dalam melodi rintik air hujan, akan terasa jika kamu sedang merindukan sesuatu.

Kemeja milikmu masih aku kenakan. Bertanding dengan dinginnya atmosfir kala itu. Kamu menang. Aku hangat.

Aku bisikkan beribu-ribu harapan dan rahasia kepada cakrawala mendung nan kelabu.

Sampaikan pada hujan, aku berterimakasih.

sharp edges
and pointed parts
might shatter me

a single sentence
could hurt me for days
a single name
could tear me for a couple nights


— words are knives
i’m a glass
threat me to the edge
and i’ll crash

moon, oh dear moon
I wanna discuss about my feelings to you tonight.
I'll explain my pain,
I'll spill out the tea,
I'll whisper those secrets,
I'll break my commits,
I'll pour my tears,
I'll tell you everything, tonight. just tonight.

so listen. listen carefully.

listen to my words and phrases. listen to my cracking voice. listen to my worries. listen to my untold ever stories. listen to my insecurities. listen to me.

you don't need to answer, I just need you to listen.


— moon oh dear moon,
if only I could lean on your shoulder.

I was drowning
and you were the raindrops

but somehow
you were also the air
that I needed to breath

how it is
I’ll never understand

it was such a cold night with the frosty air kissed my skin and left it trembled. I was staring at the stars and whispered them how much I adore your mesmerizing smile as they promised me to take care of yourself,
"he is the Sirius, we know."
"he is," I giggled "so keep him safe."

then I danced under the moonlight with our playlist as the soundtrack. the moon giggled and shaked its head,
"it's getting late, you better go to bed than dance like an idiot."
"but, will you promise me to give him a goodnight kiss with your light?"
"anything you want, princess."

the city lights kindly guided me and my unicorn home safely without getting lost, although I closed my eyes along the road because I am a sleepyhead.

"goodnight, my Sirius."


— baby I'm living on my own fantasy,
will you still take me as I am?