When I was younger, I used to think I was going to be a Star.
Under a spotlight where everyone knew my name...
I was five.

Now, I want shadows and to be as far away as possible.
Hidden and far from consequence,
And even further from myself.
Where my name is not a name,
But just another word without any true meaning.

When I was younger, I used to think I was going to be a Star.
Now, I want to disappear.

I should have jumped overboard when I had the chance.

It’s mysterious the way the mind works
How your self worth can just
Wither away
And how your will just falters

How looking in the mirror
Can become a thing of fear
And you pick out each
Little flaw, each imperfection
When you can’t see your ribs
- You can never see your ribs -

How helping yourself
Turns into guilt
And how everyone stares
And picks you apart
And judges

But that is not you
It is your mind
Pulling away at you
Blurring the truth
As it rots

Say every year is a step away
From who you once were
And is a step closer
To who you will be

Ten years is ten steps
Ten steps and ten lessons
Ten lessons that shape
Who you will become

In ten years you will be
Ten steps away from now
And ten steps
Closer to then

Say ten years ago you liked fiction
And now, ten years later,
You only read memoirs

Say ten years ago you were angry
An now, ten years later,
You can’t remember why

Say ten years ago your hair was brown
And now, ten years later
Your hair is blonde

Say ten years from now you live
In a big city with loud noises
But now, ten years before,
You live at home and are uncertain

Say ten years ago you
Would never do that
And now, ten years later,
It is all you ever do

Ten years full of growth
Ten years full of lessons
Ten years full of discovering
You and what makes you whole

Say ten years ago you felt alone
And now, ten years later,
You have comfort
In solitude

She wants to love intimately
To feel a mess of hands
Run up and down her back, thighs
And through her hair.
She wants to feel hands rise up
Her shirt and cup her *******
To feel at home in the arms of
Someone new

And yet she lays so very still
Alone in the early hours
With a red face and dry eyes
There is no one by her side
And her thoughts overrun her

She wants to love intimately
And yet she no longer knows
What to feel
No experience, no expectations
Just a mess of hair
And bedsheets
As she lays alone in the dark

(2/21/17 || 12:24 AM)

Wedged somewhere between the aughts
In the early morning hours
What is it you hear?
Scatting of a bird
Or the ticking of the clock
Down the hall

The sun filters in, golden
Through wooden slats
Bitter coffee waits to be made
Sweet with cream and
Drops of maple

Home is slow and silent now
In this residual world
Where you rise and work
Busy yourself with tasks
Waiting to pick up where
Life left off

Spring is still here,
Blooming and cool
Soothing to the nervous spirit
You can still step outdoors,
Breathe in jasmine and fresh air
Humming, meditating, on newness

For now you follow a different routine
Connect, find comfort in what is
Around with new appreciation
Embrace a slow morning
And an easy evening
Sunshine and small escapes

I want
To be free
Of guilt
To extend
My arms
Scream,
And maybe
Lose my mind
In the best way

I have spent too long
Under too-hot water
Frying myself
And trying nothing
But to scrub you
Out from under my
Skin, red and raw

(9/25/17 || 10:00)

Do not give me a
Structure to follow
When you tell me to
Be diverse and myself
In this rigid *******
World

Having a million
Stories to tell
But lacking the
Proper words

Having a
Brilliant vision
But unable to
Paint it

Wanting nothing
More than to create
But the motivation
Is absent

But we try
And we try
Again

maybe i should not
walk towards dark
memories

i should not sit
with a knotted
stomach, not tear
into old wounds
that scabbed over

i should face
forward, and march
on, not pick away
at a thing that
was one so harmful

i shall continue on
and yes, i may
cry, but i will
heal by walking
by learning
by smiling

with my shoulders
back, and my
chin held high
and though my cheeks
will be tear-stained
i shall heal

I want to do
nothing but good.

But when doing it
for me,

There is guilt in
being selfish.

I must not be afraid,
Afraid of being hurt
Physically.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
I must try and allow myself to jump
And if I land, then I land
And if I fall, then I fall
But I must not be afraid
Afraid of trying
Because if I do not try
How else will I know if it is what I want
Or if it is not?

I wonder if you understand how tempting it is
To want to throw yourself in front of a ******* train
Or a car, or a bus, or off a bridge, or out a window
Every ******* day

(9/12/17 || 5:43 PM)