From the life they all had planned

Because I can feel every small death
In the sounds of grains of sand

falling away
sigh

A ray of clarity lights up
from within a sky of meaningless clouds
Their moisture stiffened on my breath
elasticity melting on my hands

wholesome
real

If life is a concept
Then perhaps joy can be the incense to burn round it
The light up ball pit of consciousness can be
What I choose
Who I am
Which I lose

A jigsaw of emotion
Want, desire, controlled, due, debt
I needn't let anything control

I'd lose it all if I wished it

Because reality is a waste when filled with musts
Anxiety placed tenderly down to rust in the grave
of oppression and dependency
I have a tendency for un-calm
There's no need for alarm

Mistakes will always be forgotten
As will trophies
Love
Revenge

Everything must have it's end
So don't sweat the small stuff

You needn't have time for that ****
If you don't want it :)

My heart races
As the last traces of
my pulse trickles
away.

I think you'll find
That this is my mind
I'm not your toy
I'll not fall for your ploy
of wiping my brain
You'd not complain if I lost it
I'm not a bit amused
I refus to be abused by
Manipulation
Your ******'s frustration
You'll not **** my soul like Mary's
Don't penetrate my morals with mockeries
I am my own
Who I love will be my choice
my neighbour,
whether girl or boy,
I'll love if I choose.

Wouldn't I be a joy in
your clockwork congregation
Pity, I refuse to turn my fear
of Life into Faith,
in sublimation.

There is anger in your eyes.
Instability
when you look at me
I fear for my safety,
we both know what
you could do.

What you are capable of.

In these moments
your eyes are incapable of
love.
All I can do is look
above me, into
your face
and pray you do
not erase me.

You could.

We both know it.
If it had ever gone to blows,
who knows what
could have happened?
I honestly don't know,
and so, I sunk
low into the ground
when you glared.

I thought I could tame you,
through the rare times you were
scary
and the times in which you
laughed,
it was always a shame when
those moments passed.

Hello Mr Hyde
where is Mr Jeckll?
Allow me to laugh along
as you heckle me
and my family,
stand alongside me
and taunt me.

No one's going to stop you.
What could they do?

They thought me safe,
within your embrace.
The only one in our 'family'
who could calm you,
they all 'knew' that I loved you.

And I did.

You were everything.
Absolutely everything.

After all, you stayed.
You played along with
my childish whims,
you made me grin and laugh,
helped me plan my path
of dependence on you.

I thought that, as I grew,
you'd stay.
I thought you could be constant.
Apparently not.

You helped to start this rot,
began the knot in my stomach.
You took my breath away,
leaving me to choke on air
all too aware of my fragility,
all too incapable of stability.

Every one appears as you.
Everybody new.
Even if I trust them,
I still can't shake the feeling
that they're not going
to hang about.
Always worry they're about
to shout.
Always thinking I'm about to
accidentally shut them out
in panic.

You were far too manic.
Mood changing
rearranging our lives
at the drop of a hat.
Bat us out of the way,
scream until we sway
with your force.

In so many ways, I am lucky for that divorce.

and I'm out in the rain
in the eye of a cloud
I'm afloat and
refreshed and
real

Once again.
It's a storm, and in the
untouchable notes of
power and brightness,
the sky lights
up reality.

I will not share her with you,
and I will not share you with her.

Vulnerable
Drunk
*****

She's sometimes looked

But, how could you
How dare you

Tonight, I feel the hurt
of a ****** again
When I thought your power was over

Nostalgia has slapped me in the face
The words you loved me with recycled
and blowing away

Old Stingy Salts yelling in historical triumph.
Disappointment breathing rankly in my face
As a single paranoid thought circles my mind like a shark

So I lay, every night, in a shirt
that you've given me
Because I want another reminder that although
I'm mad and you're sad
You're still a part of me

And it's going to break my heart when I wash and starch
the sheets that you've touched, where you've touched me

If you think you're not important
then perhaps you haven't met me

I pressed pause on life and look on into a brink
of a new dawn, but you found a way to break in

Life giving water, come down from your cloud
and wash over me, rid yourself of the frown which
you've stapled down to your chin
Lift me, every grin you give me, reminds me not to fear of eternity
You are such a gift.

But once you're in that cloud you block me out,
There is no lift that can take me to your heights
Why do you fight to prevent any help?
You call me, an unbreakable siren SOS,
yet you will not let me in

let me in

I am bare to you
Too aware of you to allow myself
to press a pause
to take a breath
a leap
a wreath of blackened roses
cut into my head

Please, stop acting like you wish you're dead

That's what she said
That's what she said

Be bare to me

and let me in
I allowed that pain of me.

About little tiny things
Flutter round faces
Like tiny beautiful rings
A household in harmony
A past left to sob alone
A kitchen filled with place settings
A world without the word alone
dishcloths on the counter
shoes placed on the stairs
a partner sleeping peacefully
A cat and dog unaware of
grief
A world in which breathing relief
is a staple
Like the dancing pole in the basement
the books on every shelf
and the window in my study,
filled with photos,
paint,
and healthy stress
Nothing more
needed
Nothing Less
again

Because when I look out that window
I'll know that at least
my home
can now be stable

**at last

Work,work,work
Look down
Clutch pen
Cry inside
Lie down
then lie to yourself
"You can turn this around."

Work harder
bound forward
mind is paper
blank
and rank.
Unheeded words,
slurred with drunkeness
of lack of sleep.
Keep going.

Who the **** needs sleep?

Who needs food?
Work through lunch
because when you munch upon food
it magically transforms to paper
Sodden in your mouth, so sour.
They are draining you of your power.

Go on, take my all.

A friend texts you
they wish for help
you try to answer
but are suppressed by your
yelp of self pity.
So you break with people
to prevent
a self exposing
litany.

Work Harder

You must.
Don't dare to trust your mind
your shell
yourself
Whatever you do
don't ask for help

You're weak
Unintellectual
and small.

So what if failed subjects
enthrall you?

That won't get you the grades

You've paid them with your all.

You're still not enough
You'll never be enough

Not tough enough to cut it
too proud/unweak to fall
You're in the midst of
a truely unbreakable brawl

Pen
Paper
Time to write the essay
now
you don't know
how
but, who cares?
Let's catch them unawares
with your ignorance.

"This play was set in florence...?"

(I think)
don't blink
Just Sink

Maybe this time, someone will notice.

Yet then again, maybe not.

I promise not to stop.

and apply Ed Sheeran to the open wound
Then drink peppermint tea
Allowing yourself a chance to
Soothe
The wave of a nightmare turned
**real

Small child, hiding behind a harsh cut fringe
Fans her hand across the window
Feeling the brightness dance underneath
her tiny fingertips
So watchful
So fearful
She stares hungrily within at
the writhing figures incased, suspended
in interaction

Laughter
Anger
Life

The window feels cold, yet
she can sense the warmth within
and it fills her aching bones with promise



The handprints fades from the window
And the door tentatively opens up
The girl breathes a last breath of fortitude
and steps inside, opening her head and heart,
displaying, placing within vulnerability,
Hopeful
Unstoppably hopeful
That there'll be people who like what they see

*I just want them to like me

I danced as though Everyone watched.
Threw myself into movement;
Offered everything up to the God's...
A Human Sacrifice.
I offered them my blood
Flung my arms, my legs,
my head, torso and also
my mind into an
abyss of feeling.
I offered Everything.

The Audience was an opponent,
a challenger waiting
whilst I stood panting in
the wings.
I knew I'd have to fight them
with everything,
my glance retaliation
as I swept past them and
Danced.

Danced on,
danced with everything
Danced.
It was all that mattered.

Everyone was all that mattered.

That small speck of person
that filled an auditorium
with their presence.
Someone to watch,
to understand
the longing reach of
the turned up hand in
my choreography.
Someone who I knew would
feel empathy, because they
knew me.

Because I knew they loved me.

They do love me,
but they didn't come.

Once again Fate, you *******,
won.
The worst thing is, I knew it
would end up like this.
I knew, but for
once I wanted not to end up
Disappointed.

'Something' always comes up,
'Something' always ***** up along
the line, to mean that No-one
turns up on time,

or not at all.

No one saw me, No one at
all.
I danced to empty seats,
danced to the beat of an
absent heart, danced to the
hope that, at the end, the crowd
would part to show me
You

Everyone

But they didn't, and once again
I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.

No point,
My Fate lies in disappointment.

If you hurt him
I will hunt you down
through the ground, dirt, even
to the grave.
There is no rock I would not raise
in search of vengeance,
if you hurt him.

And if you hurt her
There will never be a place
whence you can race to hide.
You'd be safer off with suicide
with your chances of escape.
If you hurt her.

And even then, I'd scrape up
your DNA, clone you, resurrect and
ensure that you pay for your crimes.

My Family
My Friends
My loved one's pain
shall never end with
dissatisfaction.

Hurt someone I love, and
you'll never find freedom again.

You have been warned.

Thunderclouds breathe between my lips as
I place my forehead to your skin to steal the pigment from underneath lazy lids

I'm a dragon I laugh

That you are you smile

And you pull me closer to take the climate I've offered you.
The eye of the storm cosier  
For the warmth of your contentedness

The softness of our skin
Enough to melt the cold
Of a blizzard

Our gentle sin
Always on the tip of thawing out
Yet never quite leaving.

I swear, to fight when you are fought
To provide safety when you are vulnerable
To give comfort where there is hurt
And bring love where there is emptiness

Standing, sword drawn, at the cliff tops
of your mind,
How can I defend you, when the worst
lies within?

I'm such a stupid, ******* ****.
I can't even understand the scraps of bits,
filtered down to me in pointless,
yet so joyful, years.
I am literally straining both my ears,
but nothing seems to work
Instead of elegance, I can only ****
My body on broken strings,
Muscled, contoured body caving in,
with the effort of outside fighting within.
Everything is now designed to aesthetically bounce,
rather than glide, sweat glistening with
shattered pride,
I'm desperate to ride this one way trip again,
Feel it all again
Be me again.

I used to perform with ease
The lightest leaf balancing on the breeze
of a blood layered toe.
No one was to know of injury but
me.
Who seemed to others to be
Perfection
But now all I can see is a tainted reflection
of what I once was.
What I once had.

My elegance is stolen from me,
leaving me littered with normality.
Ballet Dancer no more.
Years of Blood and Gore,
leave nothing but a memory
A grainy DVD
A well preserved shoe.
The art form that I stuck to like skin to super glue
is gone.
And, to be honest, I don't know how to go on without it.
I never truly stopped to doubt it.

Ripped from me
Stripped from me
Leaving me bare,
leaving me confused and scared.

I feel desolate without it.

and I'm right on the top
bang
Going to write my ****** scene
No spelling errors
No cusps of cuts of typos
Lipo of an essay
I'm going to take a textbook bullet
and blow my ******* brains out
Vowels and consonants splattering on the wall
Every ball of ******* up scribbles that
just missed the bin
are going to rise up, like ghosts, and mummify me
within their subtext of muffled screams

It's going to be fantastic

I'm going to drown my calculator in my dreams
Quietly muttering 3s and x's
Asking it if it can guess Y while I press it's buttons
like it happily pressed mine
Sadistic
Sarcastic
Fantastic-*******-tastic

Die

Ins­uperiority complex

Die

Wish to please

Die

The tease of the good mark that won't give out

Die

muffled shout

Bang

Top of the hit list, let's blow my ******* brains out.