The things you could have done.
The places you could go.
Out studying or having fun.
But now we’ll never know.

The things you should have done.
Found new friends, kept us close.
Fallen in love with someone.
But now you’re just a ghost.

I thought that God was real.
Until they found you’d gone.
But the pain that we all feel.
Is proof that I was wrong.

I have to believe that heaven.
Is where you are today.
Your 19th Birthday come and gone.
We’ll see you again, I pray.

12 Months
Spent trying to make you love me
For me.
The way I loved you,
For you.

12 Months.
You ignored me, and left me alone.
By myself.
The way I wouldn't,
Leave you be.

8 Months.
You've apologised for treating me,
So badly.
When I showed you the good
In yourself.

8 Months
Is 8 Months too late.
For me to forgive
The harsh words,
You threw at me

20 Months
Of hurt and heart ache
On both sides

So just leave me alone,
before I can admit
to you

and myself

That I still need to know you're ok.

The day that we lost you we lost it,
The day that you left us we cried,
I tried to forget, I remember,
I tried to forget you, I lied.

I lied when I said that I missed you,
I lied when I said that I lied,
I wished and I wished that I’d fixed you
I missed you the day that you died.

I always remember November
That day you were taken away
But we shed a tear for every year,
When the skies were crying and grey.

4 Years gone, we miss you. xxxxx

Today,
Is the last day I saw you.
We walked home together,
for the last time.

I felt close
to you again.
We said goodbye,
for the last time.

5 years ago today,
I saw your smile,
I heard your voice,
for the last time.

It scares me,
when I can't hear your voice,
or remember your face,
or close my eyes and hear you laugh.
You are gone, fading from my memory.

5 years ago,
I watched you walk away,
never to return again,
for the last, the very last time.

Tonight
There was only darkness
around us
There were no stars
in the sky
There were clouds
engulfing the countryside
There were thoughts
you'd said good bye
                There was no moon
                            to lead us home
                There was no light
                            shining through the black
                 There was no hope
                            to guide us there
And now we're never
coming back.

Do you remember the summer we played,
we stood up with  guitars on stage?
At the time it was a mess,
but I look back and must confess.

We started playing, I start to sing,
my voice came out a hoarse croaking,
she threw the drumstick through a door,
we were laughing on the floor.

Hot and stuffy we sat in the dark,
waiting for our smallest part.
The guitars went badly out of tune,
a wolf howling up at the moon.

I regret not trying to play once more,
before your soul went up to war,
the time we spent in the music hut,
freed me from my deadly rut,

Do you remember the day you died?
we heard about it, we cried we cried,
a darkness fell forever more,
never lifted, filled with regret, angry at god, us, us, the darkness tore.

I used to fear
the walk down the path.

Passing the graves,
passing the church gates

Seeing where you will lie,
forever, forever and ever and ever

Forever and a day,
I long to see you, speak your name.

But today I saw your grave, peaceful, happy, colourful, alive.
You were there, happy, smiling, alive.

Unforgotten in a yard of hurt,
a glowing symbol of the light you left behind, you left for us, a light to find you.

On your birthday, we celebrate your life,
You would be 20, you will always be 15, you will always be smiling, you will always be alive. Forever.

I like the way
you say care
and laugh at my jokes
and stroke my hair

You touch my body
call me your amor
and tell me I'm pretty
when I answer the door

But then.

Your phone starts beeping
I'm no longer yours
Your hands wrapped around it
Yours eyes on the floor

Transfixed by its beauty
It's body you touch
You laugh and you answer
You smile far too much

It sits on the table
Between you and me
A small metal barrier,
which past you can't see

When it goes off again
and you reach for that phone
You let go of my hand
Absorbed on your own

I get up, I leave
I'm not second best
To texting and cheating, and lying and tweeting
You inconsiderate idiot, your life's a mess

We walked, we walked out of the gates and up the rocky hill.
We listened to that song you loved, I hated, hate it still.
The 4 of us we laughed and climbed, and at the end I said goodbye.
You smiled I smiled, I never thought that last goodbye would be goodbye.

If I knew it was the last day that we would be having fun.
Perhaps I would have spoken more, spoken less, listened more, said something meaningful.
I could have said I’d missed us growing far apart.
I could have tried instead, to heal your head and not just heal your heart.

If I knew what was to happen, I would have said it properly.
Not just goodbye, regretful ‘goodbye’, goodbye’s now haunting me.

Goodbye, goodbye it taunts me, in my dreams I say goodbye.
And then they leave, they disappear, they go, you go.
You die.

I was scared we wouldn’t find you in the dark,
I’d only seen you there one time before.
I hoped that there would be a glowing mark,
That would lead us without fear towards your door.

She was scared because she didn’t like the place,
She promised that she would be calm and strong.
I took her hand and held on just in case,
But she knew it was not scary all along.

I thought she’d be the one who would remember,
It hurt when I found out she forgot.
She said that she thought it was November,
As she stood there and lied we were distraught.

But when I saw the candle glowing brightly,
The fear and hurt and pain all went away.
It guided us and lit your grave so lightly,
We wished you well on your 19th birthday.

2011 wasn't the year I lost you,
2012, it is here.
They said you wouldn't make it as far as you did,
Is it really a happy new year?

You made through Christmas and Birthdays,
You tried to make it alright.
You strive for holiday perfection,
We know that each day was a fight.

And now I have come to terms with,
the fact that you;re leaving this year.
I don't want to turn round and face it,
and fake all this holiday cheer.

I hope that your year will be better,
than mine promises to be,
Read this and know that I wish you,
a far better new year than me.

If this is love,
Love is not enough.

I want to love you
But your skin is too tough
But if this is all love is,
Love is not enough.

I want more for you.
You've been knocked-down before,
I'm willing to pick you,
Right up off the floor

You won't let me in,
and you won't let me out
We have a connection
You might be better without

Because love may not exist,
But if you don't let love in
If you continue to resist,
You won't let it begin.

And we will both waste our years
Wondering
Why love felt so similar to fear

I tried to write you a rhythm,
I tried to write you a song,
I tried to write you a poem
About how much I’d loved you all along.

But I can’t find the words that describe you,
My mind is buzzing and numb.
The words do not rhyme and that’s not you,
It’s me, I just can’t find the one.

I feel ill and so constantly haunted,
by thoughts and not by your soul,
To see you again would be wanted,
to see you back when you were whole.

So all I can say is I miss you,
that I never managed to hide,
I said that I’d see you in heaven,
and about that I never lied.

Love does not exist,
not for me.

I can see, why some think it does,
but all good apples go bad.

Pick a place, I'd be there,
Near or far, I don't care
You pick the wine, and we share
Cheers to us

May you find a love forever,
I hope she's kinder than me.

We're a long way from summer,
In some ways we're still there,
I etched our names in a pub one day
and left our lust to wander round there

We'll never stop fighting,
But leaving's not an option now,
I can't remember the last time you stayed
Love does not exist

We sat huddled in the hallway,
we were muddled in the mud,
we were cuddled in the corridor,
we were flooded by the flood.

We were crying in the courtyard,
we were staring at the sky,
we were praying you were peaceful,
we were feeling you would fly.

We hoped you went to heaven,
we were children of the Lord,
we were losing faith so quickly,
our faith never was restored.

You can't believe in Jesus,
when he takes your friend away,
but you must believe that heaven
is where you friend will stay.

Or can you have it both ways?
Think she's moved up to the sky,
but the devine power that led her there,
also made her die?

My faith was never very strong,
this secured my disbelief,
there's no god watching over us
who filled our lives with greif.

We were enemies in childhood,
I didn't comprehend,
a little sister wasn't cool
who followed you no end.

You were my shining beacon,
my shiny golden light,
until the day I grew up,
and you ceased to shine so bright.

You thought I was a ******,
I considered you a bore,
we barely spoke for decades
shut behind our door.

But now you are so lonely,
and I can learn to bend,
you cannot choose your family,
but I consider you, my friend.

Spring time, spend some time
Turning over new leaves
With your footsteps
As you leave

Making my heart drift through the sky
And land on the grass.
As if you needed more to do
Leave me be

Come the Autumn, leaves turn red to brown.
Those leaves have fallen away
The wasted years spent alone in your room
Working for paper
Days we could have spent
Falling in love
Kicking up leaves

I sit in the same place
as I always do.
My toys around me
surrounding me with warmth.
Toys you bought for me
when I was your baby

Forever More
Nevermore

You would rock me in your arms
until I slept
safely in your glass world
but it broke
it always breaks
and the pieces lie around me
on the floor

We used to sit and laugh
together forever
bound by blood
blood now spilled
on this floor
where I will stay

Forever more

In silence we stood and watched you arrive.
In silence they drove you to the door.
In silence we stood, all three of us alive.
In silence we let the silence roar.

We stood, we sat, we prayed, we cried.
We were close for the last time.
The silence tried, but there was nowhere to hide.
The bells, so loud they chimed.  

We walked around to the back of the yard.
We saw you lowered down.
The earth was soft, the rain was hard.
We thought your soul would drown.

As I gaze now upon that spot.
Filled with beauty and pain.
The world, it knows that we will rot.
Only memories remain.

You were beautiful in all you tried.
You were taken far too soon.
Our living lives, are filled with pride,
And bitterness and gloom.

I miss you.

Everyone has their own path, a light to guide them through the dark,
We've all gone our separate ways, our futures falter, our past stays.
Although a lot of things have changed, I knew they'd change they had to change, and our whole life was rearranged, 5 long years I would exchange.

Our little group was torn apart, some with ripped and broken heart,
some moved on to better things, some just let their life begin,
Although a lot of things must end, they had to end, I knew they'd end, and our whole life will break and bend, but 5 long years I wish would mend.

Now our number's down to three, some at university,
a few got jobs or moved away, some are here but refuse to stay.
Now the most important one, who left and left the world undone, you were so young, we were so young, 15 years is far too young.

We all have to die one day, but you were snatched and led away,
your brain and heart they disagreed about how the flow of blood should be,
You left and left us in the dark, the never, never fading mark, no goodbyes, no second tries, done, gone, lost, dark.

Will you remember this day,
as I remember this day?
The leaves falling like snow,
the air fresh and crisp.

Children running down the river,
through the iron gates to the park.

Wearing thick gloves, I can see the coffee rising from your cold lips
The autumn air shakes the trees, and my hands.
I see you, we walk and talk,
but we don't feel the same.

But will she remember, and will he remember, and will we remember,
the same day, This Day.

I don't know how you feel
But I know I like to hear the trains passing
As I lie in bed

I like to think you could love me
Raw and exposed
Like I've never been before

I can dream
And fall asleep knowing you won't leave me in the night
And get on the train I love
And I'll listen as you leave

My life is full
Of hollow wood
And 4 strings

My ukelele
Is a better cure for depression
Than any drug

You've taught me to sing
You've taught me to laugh
You've taught me to be alone
And not to be lonely

You hear all of my bad thoughts
And hide them away from me
Where they stay
Forever trapped as I play

Every scratch
Every dent
Every broken string
Every note off key
Has changed me
And fixed me
And restrung me
And painted me

Until I'm like new

Each time I climb into your car,
there is that same feeling of dread,
the same feeling that your hand
will be the one that extinguishes my flame.

You are not stupid,
but a show off,
you drive fast so we won't see
you are vulnerable outside your metal coffin.

I finally understand speed limits,
to stop maniacs like you from
killing everyone
in your vehicle

You are in control,
you say
until the day
you're not.

I would love you so much more,
if you would value your life,
slow down when you drive,
keep yourself alive

So they taught us,
a valuable lesson in school,
drinking and driving
destroys your car, your life, your friendships, your family. Everything.

If I could see what you see when you look into my eyes,
I think I'd see a person that I really would despise.

I'm not much of a talker, but I often talk too much,
I always think the worst of you, and judge you at first touch.

I always try to smile more but I'm often looking sad,
disgruntled, just plain angry, or lost in thought and mad.

I try to think of others, be sensitive and kind,
but then you learn that loving people get pushed and shoved aside.

I'm not much of a looker, as I was often told,
my face is very wonky and my nose is far to bold.

As much as we try and fight it, good looking people reign ,
but beauty is subjective, no eyes are the same.

I'd like to be a leader, but I'd rather follow on,
I'd like to be more confident but it all just seems so wrong.

I try to be myself because we're taught that's what you'll love,
but I don't think my brain knows me nearly well enough
I think what I'm saying is that who I want to be,
is someone different, someone else, anyone but me!

I missed out on that young love
the love that is new and exciting,
growing up in the world full of hope

Thinking you'll be together forever
I was always thinking how I'd be on my own
At such a young age. Love never appealed to me

It's too late for young love
I'm old and haunted, by a feeling I never felt
This heart beating in my chest, goes unused

Stay together forever, school sweet-hearts
I believe in you,
I believe in your love