She seems to have lost touch with herself
Drowned in the sorrow that flows within her veins
Tears staining her face once again
Feeling...
Hurt
Numb
Empty
Nothing

Though the thought of being immune to this feeling crossed her mind
She has felt it so many times before
Inflicted upon herself by those she thought would never leave bruises
Inflicted upon herself by herself
Not giving others the opportunity to mar a soul already damaged
And yet it feels brand new every time

So much hurt inside one body
Of memories of forgetting herself
Of feeling searing pain course through her
When he broke her heart
Yet he promised to cherish it
When her father hurt her mother
Forgetting she's reflection of the woman she calls "momma"
Of when her brother imposed between her thighs at such a tender age
Leaving himself in the corner of her mind
And every now and then, he slips from the shadows
Replaying that moment on a continuous loop
Of when she lost herself within herself
And couldn't find  herself in the dark

She should be used to it
But it always feels brand new

I don't need someone to tell me who I am.
I already know myself enough to tell myself who I am.
I don't need someone to point out my flaws and inadequacies.
They were created by lessons learned.
Nobody can tell me who I am because they're not me.
They haven't walked in my shoes...
Nor have they experienced life the way I live it.
Only one person can tell me who I am---me.

The storm of uncertainty clouds the mind
Making thoughts unclear, blurry...
Your conception of right and wrong, obscured...
Ways of which you've learned, forgotten
A face that should be familiar has become a stranger
The deafening sound of silence has driven you to the edge
You wonder when you will fall...
Or will someone come to your rescue, to rescue you from falling...

Marks on my body that ache and burn
Shadows that cover my frame
Cause me pain even when I'm laying still
Fade within a few days
Some stay as if they've found a new home
Upon my marred exterior
A crushing within my chest
A harsh graze against my delicate skin
Leaves a bruise
Another part of the collection

"Why would I wish Death upon my worst enemy when I can just **** them myself?"
- Quoted by me

Never quite felt like this before
This new feeling can't be described
It causes a smile to grace a face that wore a frown
It causes a sparkle in the eyes that shed tears
Laughter spills from a mouth that never uttered a word
Feeling light on feet while dancing
This new feeling I can't quite put my finger on
But I like it
Maybe, I'm finally happy
And just enjoying living in the moment

I miss staring into them there eyes
Those brown eyes that for some reason dance when they land on me
Those eyes I love staring into
That make me forget where I am for a moment
I miss the feeling of your hands
The way they held onto mine and never seem to let go
When you would brush your fingertips against my cheek
I would lean into your touch because it felt like I've been there before
Like I was home
I miss feeling your warmth
Felt like it wrapped me up and surrounded me
Almost like the love you had for me radiated from you
And when you would lay beside me, I dreaded your spot being empty
I miss the little things you do
Like fixing the ******* my shirt because you're OCD about those sort of things
Or when you would ****** off my scarf or pull my hair from the bun it was in because you loved seeing the hair that adorned my head
And the feeling of your lips on me was enough to rattle me from the inside
I miss your voice
Listening to you speak about anything caught my attention
Especially when it would be about something you have a passion for
But mainly, when "I love you" seeped from your lips and into me
I knew you meant it
I just miss you

The love I had for you was boundless, limitless
If you needed more, I would have gave it to you
The love I had for you was unconditional
There was nothing average about it, it wasn't lukewarm
But I guess the love you had for me had bounds and its limits
You gave what you thought I might have needed
I guess it wasn't unconditional because when we ended, it was if the love you had for me no longer held value
But the love I had in me I gave to you
And that was my mistake
Giving unconditional love to someone who can only give me conditional
In you, I found a person that I couldn't live without
But I guess to you I was a person you could live with
I wish there was a way for me to turn off emotions, but I can't
But it seems your emotions turn on and off
One day, I'm your everything
The next, I'm just a friend
And you expect me to accept just being your friend
I loved, no I love you too much to be just your friend
And according to you, we can't be together
So let's just be strangers who shared some memories

If I could speak with the old me
The first thing I would do is give her a hug
No one understands her pain like I do
I would dry her eyes full with tears
She has cried enough due to pain
Only tears that should be shed are of happiness
I would tell her to watch out for a certain guy
He caused a lot of unwanted problems
But she'll make it through
Finally, I would tell her to hold her head up high, her shoulders back
A queen wouldn't want her crown to slip

The multiple monsters of my mind
Each telling me a different thing
Each have a life of their own
The one I call "Heartbreak" says you'll never have love
There's a hole where her heart should be
The one named "Broken" says you'll never be good enough
Pops bitter pills with slits on her wrists
Then, there's the final one
Who I call the "Dark Angel"
Causes the dark swirl of thoughts in my head
She embraces herself with a sinister glint in her eyes
Her smirk full of mischief
All have black eyes
Surrounding the human me

I cried enough for the tears to pool in my eyes
They didn't fall
Until you doubted me
And whether I loved you or not
And how I should be grateful that I have you
But it's you who doesn't understand
If I didn't love you
I wouldn't put up with what comes along with being in a relationship with you
I wouldn't put up with what comes with being with me
I always love even when I don't get the same in return
But then, you say you do love me
Then, can someone explain to me
Why do I feel so worthless

His words caressed my pages
His ink flowed from his pen
Creating sweet poetry upon my blank canvas

You talked a good game
And I believed every word you said
Did you really mean any of it?
Or was I just a convenience for you?
A distraction from the chaos you call life?
Funny how your words mean nothing to me now
And neither do you

Your feet crossed the threshold
And you muttered a quick goodbye
After I told you all my secrets
Bared my soul
Revealed my flaws
Removed the makeup that covered my scars
I guess there was something there you didn't like
So you decided to leave once you knew the real me, my true self
And I peeled the door open, my hand on the ****
Showing you the way out
Why would I need you here if you didn't plan on staying?

Is there a reason why your heart gets broken?
Whether you saw it coming or not, nothing can brace you for the pain you will feel.
At times, you blame yourself for the pain thinking, "Why did I listen to my heart?"
You cry over someone who isn't worth your tears.
Your heart has been gullible, causing you to love and trust too easily.
And it's just sad when you become immune to the hurt.
Getting your heart broken is the downside to love.
The question is...
"Will you allow it to break you?"

My lips are the gun. My smile is the trigger. My kiss is the bullet. Just label me a killer.

I felt everything you ever done to me
Cursed me with the words that fell from your mouth
Nursed the bruises left on my skin by your hands
And every time you spread a woman's legs that weren't my own
I felt that too...
And then even when you did feel me when we were supposed to be sharing those intimate moments
You weren't always gentle
I felt everything you ever done to me
Ignored me when I needed you
Even at night, my silent cries could be heard
Yet you turned your back
As I placed my hand over my mouth, choking back my sobs
Everything you ever did to me
You will soon feel
It's your turn to scream in agony
The same way I did for you
But you won't have me
The same way I didn't have you...

Broken wings
Humming my last song
Trapped in a cage
Abandoned all hope
Of being set free
Free from a prison
A prison I created myself
Never to sprout my wings

Even a man who is the devil while awake, can seem an angel as he sleeps

The eyes are an unusual creation
One's viewpoint on what is seen and what isn't differentiates
Sometimes, they play tricks on you
Other times, things are seen which shouldn't be
Often, they dance when taking sight of something beautiful
Or are cast downward when in pain
Deep in thought, they stare into space
Fill with tears when experiencing hurt
The eyes conceal the innermost secrets
Said to be the windows to the soul
When people stare into them...
What do you think they see?
Eyes seem to have a world of their own

Holy hands make me feel more tainted than I already am

If you called to say you're sorry
You might as well hang up
I've had enough "sorrys" in my life
Why should yours be of any importance?

It may be damaged beyond repair
And have scars that were left by those who were thought to nurture it
It has its cracks and dents
But it's still there
Came close to shattering a few times
Went numb
Almost became nonexistent
But it's still there
I nurture it
I give it medicine, though it may not be effective
I take care of it
As long as it still beats, I'll be fine

See, with people like me
We expect good things to come as a surprise
And bad things to come like clockwork
Isn't that sad
So to the question as to why I don't put faith into anything
Or believe in anyone
There's your answer

She died in that old house
Her soul's probably hiding in her closet, clutching her teddy bear
Or beneath her bed, playing with her toys
In that old house is where she died
You ask me, "What happened to my little girl?"
"She died, Daddy...
and she became me."

Who's to say I break hearts?
Why can't I just make them skip a few beats?

I wonder do you remember
When I would hold your face in my hands
Like some precious jewel I found
And just run my thumbs across your cheeks
Your eyes would crinkle up
Because you would smile
And I would smile
Or gaze into your eyes
And would get lost in what I saw
I wonder did you see how much I loved you then
Because now it seems
You don't love me at all

Welcomed with open arms
Numbness coursing through my body
Eyes flutter before succumbing to darkness
One final breath passes my lips
My soul trailing behind it

My momma raised me just fine
But sometimes, I had to do wrong on my own
How else was I supposed to learn the difference between right and wrong?
Life didn't come with instructions.

I'm sure it hurts the same
When an angel falls from Heaven
And when a demon crawls up from Hell
And us humans being stuck in the middle on Earth
I'm sure it hurts the same

In life, you don't know what cards you're dealt, but make sure you know when to hold and when to fold.

I don't run from my demons
I see them everytime I look in the mirror
Maybe that's why I hate looking at myself so much

Because I see them
And they're a part of me
And there's no hiding it
And I think they like being seen

They show the true darkness that lies in me
That lies within us all

I used to be a damsel in distress until I decided to rescue myself...

I still have those moments where I don't feel anything at all
Just numbness
My head resting on a pillow
My eyes staring blankly at a wall
And then I snap out of it
And I busy myself with doing something to make me feel
I refuse to feel nothing ever again

The soul is like a garden
You plant and water enough
And receive the right amount of sunlight
Something beautiful will grow
Maybe a flower...
I prefer a rose
Or a sunflower

You leave it unkempt
It dies  
or nothing grows
It becomes barren
With weeds sprouting from the earth

Now, which garden would you want?
I would suggest the one full of life and color

There are times where I will sit and think about my life and what has come of it.
How the one wish I've always wanted since I was a child has always remained the same.
My wish is to be happy...
Be happy with myself and who I am despite the mess that I am...
Despite how broken I am.
I always wanted to be happy with myself, be happy being me.
Be happy with someone who is the person that sparks my soul, which is rare to find.
But finding that person will be like staring up at stars at night
You feel so at peace with that person nearby.

How I always wanted to be someone's mother.
I love children, I love babies...
Every time I see a baby I just want to hold them, hug them. I want to experience that. Being a mom.
And if I'm not given that chance, it's going to hurt. I'm going to wonder what's wrong with me. What did I do wrong in my life to not be a mom? But then I can't be upset at that, I made a lot of mistakes and regret some decisions that I made.
But I live with it. I just want to be a mom and if I can't have any children of my own, I'll love someone else's. I can always adopt.

Those are just thoughts I have sometimes...

"I may be almost heartless, but that doesn't mean I don't have a soul..."

I saw something in you
That you probably couldn't see for yourself
I saw who you were
I saw who you are
I saw who you could be
When you were still searching
Trying to find your true self
I simply saw you
And that was enough for me

These are words I have said
Words I have refused to utter
When people walk in and out of my life
Either by invitation or they waltz in
Over time, a bond forms
I become a part of you, you become a part of me
Then, they have to leave
Either because they have to or they want to
I see you leave through that door
With a piece of my heart trailing behind you
I whisper, "Don't leave"

You know the one thing we are guaranteed in life is our death
How ironic
There's no running from it
Or hiding from it
Or bargaining with it
Just when it's your time
It's your time

Love is just a word
Until someone comes along and gives it meaning
Or reiterates that it really is just a word

You said that you would love me for an eternity...but you lied
And now as these tears stain my face...I realize that maybe loving you was a mistake because maybe you never loved me back

I wake up with this body
That has a new ache in a new place
But mainly in the heart and mind
With its bumps and curves in some areas
Spots that won't go away in others
But there's a simplicity to this body of mine
I love every inch of it
My body shows the years that have and haven't been pleasant
Every pound of flesh on my body
I adore
From my thighs and ****
To my gut
My body is my temple
And I shall dwell in it for the rest of my life

The heart is an instrument that falls in love all the time
And sometimes, too easily
But it is rare when the soul falls in love
It needs the right person to set the spark

The devil can lie with a smile on his face
That is so convincing
He'll have you believing it's the truth

You broke me and I fear I can't put myself back together...

I wish I could scrub you from my skin
But your fingerprints have seeped through to my soul
You left smudges, marks
                 on my windows
And now, I think I will never be free of you
You have ruined me for anyone else
I don't shine quite the same
And it's a shame
Because...
I've given so much of myself that now, I'm left with only pieces of who I once was
After you waltzed in
   like the Devil in the pale moonlight
With your promises
as empty as they were
And your "I love you's"
even I knew they were lies as they fell from your lips
But I believed them
And I actually thought you were different
Silly me because I'll be spending a spell
Trying to wipe you away
I refuse to be dirtied by the likes of you

Don't waste time staring at a sunset that you forget your time in the sun

*Feel the warmth of the sun